This hurts but why?

[pinkplush]

Met this guy in the spring of this year online. His profile said he was single and looking for marriage, which I soon found to be a lie. We met in person and talked over the phone and texted several times then he disappeared...just stopped responding to my messages. He reappeared a while later and disappeared again so by this time I kinda told him off. When I did he let on that someone was living with him and he was "supporting" her because she has no job and he said they argued a lot, he didn't trust her, her kids were disrespectful to him in his house, his son didn't like her, etc. He never came right and said " I have a girlfriend"...I mean who does this if they are so in love?

Well the day after Thanksgiving he calls me pissed at her that she was talking to him rudely in his house and asked me what he should do? I'm like I can't tell u that is your decision but no on should make u uncomfortable in your own house. so an hour later he calls back and said the police came and escorted her away. so while she is gone he wants to spend time with me and we did.

after we met earlier this year and talked I really liked his personality, he was funny, and nice so I agreed to spend time with him and I felt drawn to him more. I was on my way to visit him sunday and he calls and says its not a good idea. He appeared very upset as he said he had feelings for me and didn't know what to do. I was devastated and asked why and after a while he said he was still in love with her and he moved her back in yesterday. He says he has "equity" in her so they should work it out. I find this to be bs because someone that leans on him financially, has been in and out, and has only been around for less than a year is not equitable. Hell equity doesn't stop people from divorcing and splitting.
I feel like he is weak and this woman who has nothing makes him feel like a man like he needs a weaker pArtner and that i intimidate him because i work, have my own house and no kids. I feel his relationship is toxic and he didn't trust her from the get go and I don't get why he cannot see this. He wants to stay in touch but right now I have him blocked,...should I keep it that way? Its hard because I really liked this guy. AND he still is active in his online profile...if he is so in love why would he be online using a paid site saying he is looking for marriage??? Any advice

[lovebroken]

Be happy to be rid of this player and obvious asshole, pinkplush. You have love to give someone, and you want to give it to man worthy of it, this man(player) isn't. I know it hurts, because when you open your heart and let another in to love them it kills you when they seemingly stomp on that love without a care. Please do not take him back another time, let him go on and use another woman, don't let him and his types jade your experience of what love really should be. Also, you do not know if all he tells you is even 100 percent truthful. Protect you and let go, heal and find a real man to love you.

[pinkplush]

Be happy to be rid of this player and obvious asshole, pinkplush. You have love to give someone, and you want to give it to man worthy of it, this man(player) isn't. I know it hurts, because when you open your heart and let another in to love them it kills you when they seemingly stomp on that love without a care. Please do not take him back another time, let him go on and use another woman, don't let him and his types jade your experience of what love really should be. Also, you do not know if all he tells you is even 100 percent truthful. Protect you and let go, heal and find a real man to love you.

I understand, I just think I've been making poor choices every since I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago. That guy cheated on me and I felt like it was my fault and now I have allowed myself to catch feelings for a lousy player.

[Wakeup]

I understand, I just think I've been making poor choices every since I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago. That guy cheated on me and I felt like it was my fault and now I have allowed myself to catch feelings for a lousy player.

Well stop making poor choices if that is what you think the problem is. You should be very happy to dump a guy that clearly is showing you that he does not value if he disappears on you. Any man that was free to be with you and wanted to be with you freely would NEVER do something like that and take a chance on you finding someone else. If you stick around for someone that does that to you then you're telling that guy that you don't have a good set of personal boundaries and you'd settle for someone that can disrespect you and even when they show you they don't value you. Never give a guy that disappears a second chance because 99.99999% of the time it means they have someone else they are tending to at the moment and need to keep them hooked on their bullshit.

Stay out of dating until you have the confidence and self-worth to stop seeing someone that disrespects you... You don't give those the chance to do it again.

[pinkplush]

Well stop making poor choices if that is what you think the problem is. You should be very happy to dump a guy that clearly is showing you that he does not value if he disappears on you. Any man that was free to be with you and wanted to be with you freely would NEVER do something like that and take a chance on you finding someone else. If you stick around for someone that does that to you then you're telling that guy that you don't have a good set of personal boundaries and you'd settle for someone that can disrespect you and even when they show you they don't value you. Never give a guy that disappears a second chance because 99.99999% of the time it means they have someone else they are tending to at the moment and need to keep them hooked on their bullshit.

Stay out of dating until you have the confidence and self-worth to stop seeing someone that disrespects you... You don't give those the chance to do it again.

Trust me i'm don't plan to date again anytime soon. Thanks for the advice and you are right about him keeping someone else hooked on his BS. He even had the nerve to tell me he loved me and was confused. Funny how people abuse the word love. I have blocked his number but may have to consider changing my number. When he disappeared the other times i had blocked him but he would call from a different number, drop pre paid phones are his middle name. I suppose he does this so the gf won't pick up on it. He's had about 10 different numbers since april...

[Wakeup]

Trust me i'm don't plan to date again anytime soon. Thanks for the advice and you are right about him keeping someone else hooked on his BS. He even had the nerve to tell me he loved me and was confused. Funny how people abuse the word love. I have blocked his number but may have to consider changing my number. When he disappeared the other times i had blocked him but he would call from a different number, drop pre paid phones are his middle name. I suppose he does this so the gf won't pick up on it. He's had about 10 different numbers since april...

Well he's vile. That's been established. The important thing is: What have you learned from this debacle?

[tayhei]

What the frig does this guy think when he has friggin "equity" in a woman...people aren't like a house. This guy is a relationship hopper and used you as an emotional crutch to get over his problems he had with his ex. Next time, if a guy says he's involved with another woman in any way, drop him like a hat. Female friends are fine, roommates are another, but he was supporting her. A guy only does this if they have an inappropriate attachment to her who's trying to get into another relationship.

Stay no contact for sure. State that you don't want him to contact you anymore and if he does then tell him you'll call the police for harassment. And do it if he contacts you again. You don't need anymore of his BS.

He's still online saying he's looking for marriage because he's finding it hard to move on from his ex. He's looking for someone to help him move on from her to lessen the blow. In other words, he's trying to use women for his own benefit and doesn't care about their feelings. Only his own.

It hurts because he baited you to develop feelings for him, probably because he was trying to act nice towards you, so he could use you to get over his ex. He was leading you on and you followed him. Next time, don't get emotionally involved with someone who is emotionally involved with someone else. Because emotionally unavailable people will only end up hurting you. Look for the signs, as it was clear at the beginning of your involvement with him.

[pinkplush]

Well stop making poor choices if that is what you think the problem is. You should be very happy to dump a guy that clearly is showing you that he does not value if he disappears on you. Any man that was free to be with you and wanted to be with you freely would NEVER do something like that and take a chance on you finding someone else. If you stick around for someone that does that to you then you're telling that guy that you don't have a good set of personal boundaries and you'd settle for someone that can disrespect you and even when they show you they don't value you. Never give a guy that disappears a second chance because 99.99999% of the time it means they have someone else they are tending to at the moment and need to keep them hooked on their bullshit.

Stay out of dating until you have the confidence and self-worth to stop seeing someone that disrespects you... You don't give those the chance to do it again.

Well he's vile. That's been established. The important thing is: What have you learned from this debacle?

To stop ignoring the obvious red flags that were there.

- - - Updated - - -

What the frig does this guy think when he has friggin "equity" in a woman...people aren't like a house. This guy is a relationship hopper and used you as an emotional crutch to get over his problems he had with his ex. Next time, if a guy says he's involved with another woman in any way, drop him like a hat. Female friends are fine, roommates are another, but he was supporting her. A guy only does this if they have an inappropriate attachment to her who's trying to get into another relationship.

Stay no contact for sure. State that you don't want him to contact you anymore and if he does then tell him you'll call the police for harassment. And do it if he contacts you again. You don't need anymore of his BS.

He's still online saying he's looking for marriage because he's finding it hard to move on from his ex. He's looking for someone to help him move on from her to lessen the blow. In other words, he's trying to use women for his own benefit and doesn't care about their feelings. Only his own.

It hurts because he baited you to develop feelings for him, probably because he was trying to act nice towards you, so he could use you to get over his ex. He was leading you on and you followed him. Next time, don't get emotionally involved with someone who is emotionally involved with someone else. Because emotionally unavailable people will only end up hurting you. Look for the signs, as it was clear at the beginning of your involvement with him.

Yeah just sounded like he's afraid to move on or start over so its easier to have problems and drama. I feel stupid because he used me during their time apart and now all of a sudden i feel like he's gonna be a changed man for her he hasn't been online in a week and he hid his facebook page, but really he's done that before its part of his disappearing and probable when she pisses him off again he'll be back online. He said he loved me and i was more of wife material than she was, funny how he abuses the word love. I think its a control thing with him also he had me thinking she was jobless but i think he made her quit the job because he didnt trust her because people told him she was talking to other men.

[Wakeup]

It does not sound like he's afraid to move on. It sounds like he's a premeditated cheater who fills in a profile with nothing but lies to reel in women who jump into sex with him too soon for their own good. ~ Before they know anything about him or have them to his home.


This guy is a liar and he lied about everything about himself and her. He's still with her because he wants to be. He tells you he doesn't want to be to keep you and women like you at his beck and call. He's a player, a womanizer, a liar and a chronic cheater and and totally untrustworthy (he still has an active profile, correct?)

You are right when you say that you've learned to not ignore red flags. I trust you've also learned that you leave people who are waving them at you. Trust is earned. Make them earn it by showing you that they value and subsequently treat you respectfully and are attentive with more actions then just sex.

Lesson learned.

P.S. Block and delete him and quit creeping his social networking and trying to see what else you can find out about THEM. It just keeps you in your victim mode instead of concentrating on yourself and what you should have done to avoid getting involved with someone like him. Hindsight... look into it so you don't let this type of thing happen to you again. If all you do is consider yourself a victim then it WILL, without a doubt happen to you again. He's an asshole but you were not looking out for your own emotional best interests when you ignored the disappearing and his entire schpeel about her just to carry on with him.

[pinkplush]

It does not sound like he's afraid to move on. It sounds like he's a premeditated cheater who fills in a profile with nothing but lies to reel in women who jump into sex with him too soon for their own good. ~ Before they know anything about him or have them to his home.


This guy is a liar and he lied about everything about himself and her. He's still with her because he wants to be. He tells you he doesn't want to be to keep you and women like you at his beck and call. He's a player, a womanizer, a liar and a chronic cheater and and totally untrustworthy (he still has an active profile, correct?)

You are right when you say that you've learned to not ignore red flags. I trust you've also learned that you leave people who are waving them at you. Trust is earned. Make them earn it by showing you that they value and subsequently treat you respectfully and are attentive with more actions then just sex.

Lesson learned.

P.S. Block and delete him and quit creeping his social networking and trying to see what else you can find out about THEM. It just keeps you in your victim mode instead of concentrating on yourself and what you should have done to avoid getting involved with someone like him. Hindsight... look into it so you don't let this type of thing happen to you again. If all you do is consider yourself a victim then it WILL, without a doubt happen to you again. He's an asshole but you were not looking out for your own emotional best interests when you ignored the disappearing and his entire schpeel about her just to carry on with him.

I understand about the red flags and gut feelings. I honestly cursed him out over the summer when he did a re-appear and I told him if he could not stay without disappearing to just leave me the hell alone and stop it!! I even blocked him at that time but he found ways like calling me from different numbers and he knew I was looking for a relationship I made that clear several times but i guess he was just a persistent dog. I carried on with my life throughout the months when he did this and dated other people but it just seemed like I let my guard down the day after thanksgiving when he told me about all of this drama and i fell for it. I'm not sure what went on that night but i do know the police got involved because i overheard his neighbors asking why the police were there. who knows i just hope i forget about it soon.

[smackie9]

We learn, we grow, we move on. It's a valuable lesson you have learned. Good for you, you got out of this mess. Best of luck to you.

[lovebroken]

Pinkplush, just take a break off dating and focus on you, you need to remove all these toxic men coming into your life and the only way to purge them is to work on yourself, and put you first and hopefully a good man will enter the picture when you are ready for him. This man you told us about isn't worth your time or effort, and if you feel something isn't right with someone, your instincts are usually right, because your gut instincts are protecting you.

[pinkplush]

Pinkplush, just take a break off dating and focus on you, you need to remove all these toxic men coming into your life and the only way to purge them is to work on yourself, and put you first and hopefully a good man will enter the picture when you are ready for him. This man you told us about isn't worth your time or effort, and if you feel something isn't right with someone, your instincts are usually right, because your gut instincts are protecting you.

You are right, you all are telling this about this guy and so are ALLL of my friends male and female. The idea of dating right now makes me sick so I know I am taking time to focus on something else. I went to see my therapist today and she used the term serial cheater and possibly mentally ill to describe this guy and this really disgusted me because it seems so true. Here I am down and thinking this woman he is with is better than me but maybe I should feel bad for her and happy for me that I don't have to deal with him in that way. He changes his home landline number soooo many times and I don't get why she does not question this; I would.

[tayhei]

The woman he's with is not better than you, sweety. He has been reluctant to move on from his toxic relationship and continues it for the wrong reasons (aka the stupid "equity" thing). Yes, be relieved to get rid of this man who continues to try to force a relationship with a woman who's probably cheating on him as well, talking to these other men. These people will not last, or will forever be miserable together. They don't work at all as a couple and are wasting their time together.

Focus on your good points, you're wife material, you don't cheat, want a commitment, but just got into a relationship with a bad candidate. Work on trying to move on from this and meet a guy who wants to commit to you. Don't settle for just dating if that's what you don't want. By the time about a month goes by of dating, and you want a commitment, this is enough time for the guy to decide to make you exclusive.

[Wakeup]

I disagree. He doesn't move on from his current relationship because he doesn't want to. It's that simple. Like your therapist said, Pink... he's a serial cheater. He uses the "equity thing" on vulnerable women who need to hone their personal boundaries so they don't fall for bullshit lines like that one.

The online dating world is filled with premeditating cheaters. That's why if you want better odds of finding a good man that isn't there just to score then you'd do well to set up a profile on a pay site. Married and otherwise taken men (serial cheaters) and players more often then not don't want to pay to get laid and therefore frequent the free sites for their next "mark"

When you're ready to date again, when you've worked on your personal boundaries (do talk to your therapist about those as they are very important to have) try a paid site.