Okay my crush and I were talking

[ldawg616]

So I've been out of starte for the past year and my crush and I have gotten really really close lately, we confide in eachother and talk for hours all the time. She was going through some trouble and stuff tonight so I told her I didnt want to lose her to something she is dealing with. I told her my feelings before but she gave me the generic i dont want a relationship right now. but now that were closer I found out the truth. She told me that she loves me in a friend way so I told her to call me later and to talk and told her that I really really like her and want to be with her and want her to be honest with me. She said she wants to have sex with me but doesn't want a relationship because and doesnt want to hurt me and said maybe we shouldn't talk anymore

SOOOO i got her to tell me the real truth and she says that she thinks im controlling due to some issues with her eating disorder. I was telling her to eat today because she was eating a very low calorie amount and she thinks that I dont believe her about stuff like if she really went to a party she thinks I thought tat she was out getting high and she says that she doesnt think that I believe that her issues are as bad as they are. I was like wtf I dont think that at all! I know yu struggle and i can feel your pain and totally validate the fact that she has issues and i told her that I did belive she as at a party but it was just hard because she just got out of the hospital. After validating her and stuff she said she felt better. She said that shes also worried about dating a fellow recovering drug addict because one of us could relapse. I told her many people in recovery go out and have great relationships and she was like yah thats true. She said she would be worried about dating me because if she moved in with me she may depend on me emotionally and be the only one she talked too. I told her it wouldn't be like that because I wouldnt want her to just depend on me because thats unhealthy and I care about her so much i couldnt have the heart to do that. I told her that a relationshop over the phone is a lot differnt than in person and everything could be so much better and it could work out between us and she said yah or it couldn't. And I said you know its better to just find out when I move back in a couple weeks and she agreed with me. She said that we should probably go to therapy with eachother and talk to my mom and her mom about this. At the end of the conversation I asked her if her view on this has changed and she said that she felt so much better about this. She told me things like that she always talks about me and her friends tease her about me coming back and stuff.

So my question is, does this sound like we have a better chance of dating now than we did before now that we clarified so much stuff together?

[smackie9]

Dating and needing to go to therapy is a bad mix. You are not seeing the big picture here. Dating will create an environment for co-dependency. That's why she is trying to keep her distance because she knows how unhealthy a relationship will get when one or both become emotionally dependent. My advice is for you both NOT to go forward with this, not until she gets her disorder and emotional issues in check. As for you, how long is your sobriety so far? and are you continuing counseling?

[ldawg616]

Well I've been sober now for almost 13 months and go yo therapy twice a week and go to as meetings. She and I talked about the codependency thing and I was telling her that I wouldn't want her living with me right away for that reason and wouldn't want to hurt her like that. She and I were saying we should wait until I'm home and in person definitely b4 making a desicion. She asked me if she could talk to her friends about this and I said I'd like them yo get to know me first but do what u want. She said that we should talk to my mom about this to see what she thinks. I'm just worried that she's gonna let her friends influence her before I come home and meet them. I love this girl so much I want to call her tomorrow and have a friendly conversation that doesn't involve this issue but don't know if I should give her space

[smackie9]

Yes but her friends are not emotionally involved and they know her best....they are going to have the best perspective over you and her. What we desire is not always what is best for us.

[ldawg616]

But don't you think they should at least meet me first? She says she doesn't want to hurt me so why would she let them influence her without knowing me especially if I'm moving back in a few weeks. Should I tell her that?

[smackie9]

What is on the table is you and hers ability to cope through tough situations. This is why they do not recommend being romantically involved with someone going through sobriety or therapy. It causes distraction from treatment, and people tend to fall back on the old ways of coping, like drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. destroying any chance of getting better and resurrecting their lives.

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But don't you think they should at least meet me first? She says she doesn't want to hurt me so why would she let them influence her without knowing me especially if I'm moving back in a few weeks. Should I tell her that?

This all on her....she needs to put on her big girl panties on and deal with it on her own and take responsibility.

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This is the big test....you let her do what she's feels what she needs to do. You should have confidence in yourself not to have to go out of your way to influence the decision.