Simple stuff that seems overly complex, just need advice.

[PigoftheIsle]

So yeah... just need advice and am hiding behind the invisibility of the internet. I am 21 and met a lady who is 17 online through games. We have all gotten pretty close. In fact we quit playing some games and stayed close enough to move on to others and talk outside games.

The problem being, despite it being clear on both sides we have something between us. I live in IN and might be moving to LA soon but hope not to be there long. She lives in VA. I am studying to get my ged after a horrible homeschooling and am taking care of my mother. She is about to graduate and will be moving onto collage. She studies to the point she over does but what little time she does have, she spends online with me.

We are extremely close, oddly so for the 4 months we've known each other. She will get close or get embarrassed and back off sometimes and I think I know why. She knows we really need to know each other in real life before anything more can be for sure. I am smart enough to know she is right and fixing my life as well as waiting for her to be 18 are all fine with me. But all this points towards a year before anything will move forward at all. Let alone moving over there.

I am good friends with her brother as well, meeting him through her and when she does her backing off she hides behind him. Once getting embarrassed and telling her mother, I was his friend rather than hers.

But what scares me, is that this wont work out. It may take awhile for me to move closer, if she starts collage her time is going to be studying and i worry that, that means she wont have time for me. And while there is the possibility we could meet and not think it would work, I am pretty sure we are alike/not alike enough that its a good balance. Plus, while we email and skype a lot of our relationship is also based on that we play the same games and I pretty much play what it is she wants to and have no problem with that. But if she should get out of games, that could hurt us. We both like to read and can talk books as well as movies.

Part of me lately has started to wonder if I should back away. Because I think we might be hurting each other and if it doesnt work, we may hurt each other more so. Yet both of us have let the other into our lives and thats not something I have had with anyone else online or real life and I believe it is the same on her end. She is very much the leader and probably the smarter one but if this is just going to hurt her, that is more than a reason for me to back off, let alone what hurt I am going through.

Am I being impatient? I dont think I can really let her just vanish from my life or push her away since she has been my best friend... There has been some talk of taking a vacation over to see her but I am scared that will hurt much much more, cause the need to stay close and have at least my friend close by would be all the more real. Yet it would give us a real idea of each other. And if by that point we arent anything more thats ok.

Would be lying if I didnt add I am also scared that we will loose what we have. The fact that we could be more... that could be lost but worse case I loose my friend.

[smackie9]

Romance over the net like this gives you unrealistic expectations.....expectations that will never be fulfilled. You are putting yourself into a position where you will find yourself in a world of hurt. I totally understand that desire has brought you to this point. You were so blinded by desire you never stopped to think how unrealistic this is. It would have been different if you both were adults, established in your lives, with good fiances, then you both could proceed to relocate and date properly, but as it stands, it ain't happening.

Sorry bro but you are living a fantasy. It's true this won't work out. Eventually she will grow out of this LDR and move onto dating boys in college. It would be wise of you to back it off a bit, just be close friends and nothing more. I doubt very highly she would actually go through with meeting you. She is just a kid looking for attention she just never gets in real life. That sir is the reality.

[PigoftheIsle]

-_- may I add that she has had no problem with meeting me? But your post kinda reflects my more negative feelings on this. Though you make me sound more like one of those crazy people who get married online and what not. Anyone care to post something encouraging?

But allow me to clarify

I wouldn't call what we have a romance in any way. Despite our connection, we are both realistic enough that we are not declaring our love for each other over the net or anything like that. We both basically admit, yes we are very close and that if we met up it might lead to more but allow it to drop. Yeah, realistically we both are just people who are seeking some attention we don't find in real life. But that has been helpful to both of us. Expectations... I would be more worried about her expectations from me rather than reverse. Cause really all she has to be is good friend in real life.

Really as it stands, my mindset is if our friendship last the year and we both are as close I feel that is a good sign. Idk am not brash or in a hurry. Just looking for advice?

[pcmaster]

I think these feelings are new for you and you newer experienced something strong like this. I understand your fear but I think most pain wont come from failure but from fear itself. Like being afraid to hurt each other you might hurt each other even more. So be brave and stay friends with the girl but don't take it too seriously because putting all your eggs in one basket is not smart thing to do. Basically don't risk with what you cant afford to lose. Play it safe.

You know you can like girls from other states but it doesn't mean you will meet them. I understand that you want to and think about it but theres much more chance to meet local girls. Try to hit on some chicks from your town. You don't own anyone anything and are free to do whatever. Except of course if you choose to put yourself in voluntary made prison. Basically at this age you are so lonely as you want/choose to be.

[smackie9]

Dude it's always easier to say "I want to meet you" "you are my forever" etc....they are just words that people say in the moment and she is no different. When it comes time to actually do it, they get feared, and disappear. That's the reality of it. It's just a thing you both have on line to fill your loneliness, it's fluff. She's a young girl, in time eventually she is going to flip flop on you, the novelty has worn off and she moves on. And you bet she won't have time when she's in college. She will be busy having a social life there with people, in person! You are way too emotionally invested that's why you don't want to hear the truth...you are the one that's hurting himself, by living in this fantasy that some romance will blossom out of this. You are just looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear, you are only fooling yourself even more by doing this. You asked for advice, and you got it, your fears are valid.

[PigoftheIsle]

Umm ok Smackie, I knew my fears are valid. If I didnt think they were I wouldnt be asking around. I do value the fact you are being blunt and all. I do have to agree you are saying what I am not wanting to hear, I am smart enough to see that. I am to emotionally invested in things but thats just me as a whole.

Its just between basically being begged to come live closer by both her and her brother, the fact we share a lot in common, idk. Umm, I hope that I am not just a novelty to her, not meaning romantically, I would hope that our friendship if nothing more than the raw time spent together is worth something on some level. Because its not a thing where we whisper sweet talk to each other, we just talk a lot and invite the other into things we are doing. I mean she hints things sometimes but we have both been very real with each other. If it wont work that's totally fine, I'd hope as friends we would still get in touch...

Another situation posed to me, lets say I moved over there and she goes off to collage and we lose what we do have, which is our friendship. Me and her brother are good friends, it still would be nice to hang out with him. But as a whole I see the problems there.

I hope you see I am not being defensive or anything, I just meant anyone see anything good in this cause; well that would be nice and all.

[michelle23]

It would be insane to give up your family, friends, college and career to move to a different city for a stranger you met online. All the odds are against this. Getting to know someone in real life is completely different to getting to know them online. You have no idea whether you two will be compatible once together

Honestly you would be giving up too much for something that likely wont work. Most early stage dating lasts less than a month, a lot of relationships last less than 2years.. its hard to meet someone you are willing to commit to properly who ticks all the boxes and i don't recommend trying to meet that special person online-not to mention long distance..

Look up infatuation and learn the difference between that and love

[smackie9]

You are getting an outside perspective, someone that is not emotionally involved. That is the best view you can get with this. I'm not driven by desire, you are. You are going into this with blind ambition. There's an expression :when fools rush in......

Look up infatuation and learn the difference between that and love

Michelle hit it on the head....right there the key word "infatuation".

Being all intellectual, all knowing with us, telling us you got it under control, down playing your expectations, seriously we're not dumb, and little hints she gives you are supposed to be some kind of proof that she has a possible undying love for you which it's only your imagination fooling you.....she's a naive, inexperienced immature girl that grew up on bedtime stories of princess fairytales. Your attention is just fueling her fantasy, like she is fueling yours. Many have come here before you with the same story. Those who did make the trek, or attempted to, one of two things happened. A, the girl backed out at the last minute, got weird and ditched the poor bastard, or B, the meeting was awkward and were completely ignored.

But hey there is no point in discussing this TBH, you already have a plan set in your mind. Best of luck, and keep us up dated when anything actually changes, good or bad.

[PigoftheIsle]

Hey, I am not half as crazy as you think. If fact what you said has really made me back off for the most part. I will hold out that if we are as close once she is in collage and I'm in a more a place to move up there "a yearish" then yeah I'll give it a chance. Might even meet her and her brother as friends... unless of course she backs out but her brother wont XD

Thats why I asked around, I knew it wasnt likely to work, just wanted advice. Both telling me what I knew and if someone had any real advice on ways to help it work. The only reason I even thought about this is we had so much in common thought wise, yet had a lot to learn from the other.

Another part of me doesn't really want a girlfriend, just we have helped each other and all, if I were to want one, then it would be someone I was close to and she is probbley the closest thing to that, and as I said if we got along as well in real life itd be great. Thanks for the advice, I am trying to show you I am reasonable.

To Michelle, my family moves around a lot and in the process of a very big move so I am not very attached to places sadly.

[pcmaster]

Well Pig then good luck with your personal life and merry Christmas !

[smackie9]

Well it's no wonder you cling onto this girl. Moving around so much has never given you any real opportunity to establish a physical social life. That must really suck. Oh well once you get out on your own, working and establishing your own residence, you can make roots and get all that rewarding stuff ie: friends, relationships, independence.