Love triangle? Am I a fool?

[illsendit]

Hi folks,

I will try and keep this short - but truly it's quite a long story - so thank you in advance for reading! I'm 26 years old, and she's a few years older.

Our story:

I started casually dating a girl I work with around 8 months ago. We did a lot of fun, active things and we suddenly realised that we were extremely compatible. Our relationship from then on moved extremely fast - we stayed together for weeks at a time and the big L word came out after only a few months. Suddenly, out of the blue - her ex boyfriend traveled across half of the world to win her back. That weekend, she ditched me for him - for the first time. I was extremely hurt and disrespected, but soon after, we got back together - we had so much in common (and work together!) that we naturally started spending more time together again. She told me that they were completely over, had spent the weekend arguing and crying.

We soon fell into the same old happy pattern - except something changed - they started texting a lot. Fast forward three months of probably the best relationship I've ever had, to the Christmas period. She went abroad to see her family and somehow it turned out that her ex was also going to visit that city. She told me a couple of weeks before she left. We argued a lot in that period. I couldn't understand. We went through a phase of me ending things with her, and her coming crying back almost daily. She explained that she still had some feelings for this person, which she didn't fully understand. She wasn't sure if it was anger, resentment, affection, habit - and she didn't think it fair to keep our relationship growing until she was clear on her feelings.

Their story:

They had been dating for the past four years. During that period, he was in a rocky marriage...the whole time. He kept promising divorce but failed to pursue the relevant action. The whole time, she had extremely deep emotions and feelings with this man (her words). They had been on and off, the whole time. A few months after they broke up *for good*, he got his divorce. This coincides with his impromptu visit to win her back.

Now

During her trip away, we had kept in significant contact. We didn't fight. Until around Christmas day - where for the past few days, she's been extremely distant. She is arriving back tomorrow - he is flying with her, to catch another flight a few days later back home. I suppose I'll find out a lot more when I see her. I don't know if they are planning to stay together when they get back - I don't know what the deal is.

I don't want to act rash - I've put myself through this, and only have myself to blame. She has told me that they haven't been intimate in any shape or form, but at this point, I don't know what to believe (obviously!). She mentions that she feels extremely close to me, has very deep feelings for me and that she simply had to face him and the internal damage he has caused her for the last time. On the one-hand, if she had underlying feelings for this person - I'm happy that she's sorting them out. At the same time, I can't help but feel betrayed - especially the last few days. At the end of the day, I know how hard it is to find the good parts of this relationship - we are seriously similar and I don't want to just dump that because of her past. I also feel from past experience, that you really need to go through very tough moments to get close to someone, however, this feels different, this feels like betrayal.

Thank you for reading my soap opera. Any advice, even if it's critical, I would be grateful for. At the end of the day, I know what my brain is telling me - but my gut is telling me to trust this woman and see what happens, because honestly, I've never felt this way before.

[smackie9]

I have one word for you...... REBOUND.

- - - Updated - - -

[url=http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201309/rebound-relationships]"Rebound" Relationships | Psychology Today[/url]

[Wakeup]

Their story:

They had been dating for the past four years. During that period, he was in a rocky marriage...the whole time. He kept promising divorce but failed to pursue the relevant action. The whole time, she had extremely deep emotions and feelings with this man (her words). They had been on and off, the whole time. A few months after they broke up *for good*, he got his divorce. This coincides with his impromptu visit to win her back.

You do realise that this girl is incapable of doing the right thing, right? First she was with a guy that was still married and helping him to cheat. Now she is with you and cheating on you with him. How does that sound like a good catch to you?

She isn't a choice for life partner that I'd pick. Why are you allowing her to cheat on you? Have more respect for yourself then waiting around for someone like her. There are better women out there that actually are free of ex baggage and wouldn't dream of leaving you hanging while they played with an ex and knew he was in a relationship but fkd him anyway.

Sorry, but you shouldn't want more for yourself then some chick who is convenient because you work with her. She's a promiscuous, confused, lacking in integrity and cruel to you.

[smackie9]

Love triangle? Am I a fool? .....the answer is yes.

[illsendit]

I have one word for you...... REBOUND.

- - - Updated - - -

[url=http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201309/rebound-relationships]"Rebound" Relationships | Psychology Today[/url]

Thanks for your input. I enjoyed that small article, actually. I do agree that to some extent rebound relationships are 'natural' and aren't necessarily the worst thing in the world. I don't want it to sound like I'm disregarding your advice - it's just that I really care for this person and from what I feel, we have a serious connection. I don't simply think that I'm being used to get over an ex, I believe there are feelings there.

Since she's coming back tomorrow. I don't see the point in taking drastic action *right now*. With regards to your hypothesis, are there any questions I should ask her - or are you suggesting I simply run for the hills?

[illsendit]

You do realise that this girl is incapable of doing the right thing, right? First she was with a guy that was still married and helping him to cheat. Now she is with you and cheating on you with him. How does that sound like a good catch to you?

She isn't a choice for life partner that I'd pick. Why are you allowing her to cheat on you? Have more respect for yourself then waiting around for someone like her. There are better women out there that actually are free of ex baggage and wouldn't dream of leaving you hanging while they played with an ex and knew he was in a relationship but fkd him anyway.

Sorry, but you shouldn't want more for yourself then some chick who is convenient because you work with her. She's a promiscuous, confused, lacking in integrity and cruel to you.

Thank you, I will try and answer each point you make.

With the chance of sounding like I'm defending her behaviour. During the first year of their relationship she had no idea about the marriage. With the situation I'm in, where as suggested by smackie9, I have been a fool - is it unfair of me not to at least try to understand that what she went to was probably just as, if not more difficult for her than it is for me?

While it is probably the realistic suspicion (that she is cheating on me) - I have no way of knowing this for sure, without asking her. I'm confident that she wouldn't lie to me, especially face-to-face. I also don't want to make assumptions as to what exactly is taking place. Obviously, if she has cheated on me, then this is a deal-breaker (one of many, I suppose).

With regards to your last paragraph. I think it would be silly of me to disagree. I do indeed feel betrayed and that she has been cruel. However, I am not with her because it is convenient that we work together. In fact, this was a major blocker to us getting together in the first place.

From what has happened, I can almost certainly assume that she is not *the one*. But, I don't think it's easy to find someone so compatible. I don't want to simply throw things away. I feel that I am an extremely loyal person and I won't give up on any relationships (friends, family included) at the first high hurdle I pass by.

As mentioned previously, she is coming back tomorrow. Would you suggest talking about this with her, or simply putting my foot down? Appreciate your post

[Wakeup]

Are you that desperate for a woman in your life that you would take someone like her?

If he lied to her about being married then the very fact that she would ignore that and continue on with him says a lot about her and none of it is good. He lied about his marital status and those that do that are good for one thing and one thing only if you've gotten involved with them... that's as "filler" until a good person comes along. Depending on your personal boundaries, to some even they're not good for that. But her? She goes back to him for even more of the same lying, cheating guy while ignoring the fact shes in a relationship with you.. Why are you not seeing how lacking she is in all that is good?

Stop making excuses for her vileness and just get rid of her. I'm losing respect for you the more you post and make excuse to YOURSELF why you should be with her. FFS.

She's weak in character, moral standards and personal boundaries. She's showing you who she is and you don't stick around people like that and hope they're going to change their very fundamental ways. They NEVER will.. not for you and not for anyone even if you're married to them.

[illsendit]

I am not desperate for a woman in my life. I'm fit, healthy, love my job and have an amazing family around me - I'm happy. A woman came into my life, and I happened to fall in love with her. I thank you for your opinion. But frankly, no offence, I'm not really bothered if you respect me or not. I am having a hard time dealing with what's going on and posted here for support/advice on how to deal with my situation - not for a self-evaluation.

Believe it or not, I do see where you are coming from, appreciate & agree with the vast majority of it and am taking it in. I'm a logical person and I like to understand things before making big decisions. Getting rid of someone that you care deeply about is a big decision for me, but I appreciate that might be easier for someone like you

[Wakeup]

No one said it would be "easy" (it never is) the point of the strong delivery is you continue to make excuses as to why you should stay and give her another chance instead of simply thinking on it and doing what is obvious albeit painful thing to do.

LOVE is NEVER enough glue to keep a relationship together or without dysfunction. You can clearly see how dysfunctional her relationship with her (then) married lover was dysfunctional and based on a foundation of lies yet she is so lacking in integrity, self-love and respect of self that she continues to give him the time of day and the attention of a clandestine lover. That is the essence that is her and you talking to her isn't going to change her, even if she leaves him out of her life for good... there will always be another guy giving her attention that she won't shut down and she certainly doesn't have the boundaries in place to keep herself on the straight and narrow.

I don't care that you don't care if I am feeling disrespect for you either... The point there is that if I, a stranger is feeling disrespect then how do you think someone you are supposed to be in a monogamous relationship would be disrespecting you for accepting her in your life? Subconciously, she will, without a doubt be wondering why you would put up with her.

Its up to you, (always is) but think on what you'll be accepting as supposedly a "good" partner in life before you actually do accept her.

Sorry she is putting you through this.

[illsendit]

Hmmm...my long reply seems to have been lost. Oh well...starting over!

I do appreciate what you're saying, I really do. I will never simply take her back - she's destroyed my trust in 'us'. I know what you and others have said & suggested is probably for the best.

At the same time, personally, I don't think it's right to question someones integrity based on that person trying to make things work - in obviously very difficult circumstances. For example, who am I to question her integrity when I am essentially making the same silly mistakes she did?

Thank you for the support. I am supposed to see her tomorrow. I'll update the thread with any discussions that we had, if anyone's interested in learning if I managed to steal my balls back, or if I really am a fool Good night!

[Wakeup]

At the same time, personally, I don't think it's right to question someones integrity based on that person trying to make things work - in obviously very difficult circumstances. For example, who am I to question her integrity when I am essentially making the same silly mistakes she did?

Two wrongs don't make a right and a "people in glass houses shouldn't thrown stones" mentality is no reason to dismiss one protecting their own emotional best interests. I have to say that if you haven't learned any lessons about this then you too are not a good lifemate at this point in your life.
She, through her actions has showed you clearly that she's learned nothing from her mistakes. Why would you take an emotional chance on someone like that?

Here's to your strength and the ability to maintain your good personal boundaries.

[smackie9]

De-nial is not just a river in Egypt....

[illsendit]

Thanks for your deep insight smakie, as usual! Funnily enough, I am a quarter Egyptian - take from that what you will!

@Wakie - she's now changed her flight to Monday, so nothing to update on that front really. In other news - she text me the following: 'I know this is all my fault and I have hurt you. I have to close this chapter in order to be clear in the future. I will get you back eventually.'. I simply replied 'We'll see.' I know that the odds of us now ever working out are minuscule...if it even exists. I've already waiting it out for a while - what difference will two days make?

[daisy123]

I think if you really think their is some one else in your love story then, you should quit and move ahead in your life.