In love with a girl who's in a relationship

[Abitapprehensiv]

She called me in tears yesterday because she was packing up and it got too hard for her to deal with, and asked me to come over with food and to help her out. In spite of the advice I've been given, I decided to go over, helped her finish packing, and then we watched a bunch of videos on youtube. I don't think getting that involved automatically friend-zones me, as she is leaving tomorrow and just won't be around after that. Then tonight we got together with another coworker for drinks and to say goodbye, and when we left we hugged and I told her to keep in touch. Her response told me she had every intention to already, and in general I feel like a genuine connection is there.

I guess the kind of advice I'm looking for now is along the lines of developing a long distance relationship, as that is something I've never done before. I intend to keep our communication light for now, check in when she arrives and maybe once a week ask how things are going. I'm not sure what to look for to know when she's past the breakup and possibly ready to move on, and I have a feeling with her I'm going to have to deal with hints at that time and I am just not good at picking up on those.

Thanks for everything so far, I don't think she'd feel the same way now if I did what I thought about doing from the start. In fact, I'd probably be the creepy guy that crossed some boundaries and made a bad time worse for her, so again, thanks.

[smackie9]

She is still only looking for emotional support, not romance. Like I said she is dealing with a lot in her life, and romance is the last thing she is thinking about. A lot of guys see emotional attachment as romantic interest...this situation is no different. It's your feelings that are misinterpreting what is truly there.

btw women do not hint if they have an interest, they let you know. If the signals seem fuzzy, that's because they are not signals.

I'm not sure why you want to have a relationship with her when you both live apart. Are you willing to move to her?

[lissa]

Agree with Smackie and the others. I don't think this will go anywhere and forcing it will make things worse. I actually cringed reading your last post because when I was young and cute, I used guys for emotional support in a similar way many times. It's not a cool thing to do, but it's very common. Just move on. The more you try here, the worse things will get.

[Mark Luis]

manage your relationship and take over your responsibility and enjoy happy life.

good luck

[Abitapprehensiv]

Young and cute? I'm not sure I mentioned our ages, she's 29 and I'm 26, if that changes the perspective. If not, well, then I guess I fell for it. But I do intend to find out eventually.

And I think I would like to see things through, even move out there if it got to that point. I don't really have much where I am, had to move back home last year and trying to get out anyway, and my company could possibly transfer me in the future.

I don't know, you're all probably right, but my denial is pretty strong right now and I'm going to have to see it to believe it, I guess. I just feel like I'd hate myself and live in a pile of regret if I gave up right now.

[woody]

WEll follow your gut. WE're just a bunch of anonymous folks offering our two bits from our own experiences; your the one in your life, not us.

Though I agree with many others on some of their points, like, take it slow, don't place pressure, all that yada yada I am also a firm believer that many special ladies, while not wanting to get bombarded by suitors, would still very much appreciate a young man who places his intentions like a gentleman and without pressure or need for response, just puts it out there, no games, no b.s. a gentleman approach just like the olden days.

She is moving away. She is fragile at this stage. I would imagine she knows full well your feeling the 'za' towards her. I see no issue in (at the very least) making your intentions to eventually 'woo' her clear. This could happen in a glance, in a quiet word spoken a certain way; lots of options

It could be you and her continue your friendship, she moves, you stay for now, she eventually dates someone, has that rebound that everyone seems worried about and then Poof, there you are after the dust settles and she's single again. Who knows.
Just play no games, Not all young women enjoy the whole "If I like her, i'll avoid her completely" approach too many young men have these days.

anyway, good luck man.

[Abitapprehensiv]

I guess I meant to ask for positive reinforcement and a place to vent rather than seek advice, because that just made my day a little easier. Also, that's what I'm doing now, I still welcome the criticisms and commentary, but pretty much I'm only going to come here from this point on to get my thoughts into words and see what other people have to say about it. Because, really, you're right: No matter what you randomfolk tell me, I'm going to do what I want to do, as I'm all too aware that there are just too many factors at play for anyone to know exactly what my situation is and what exactly is the best option. I guess this all fell into my "prepare for the worst" area of my plans, and hearing the negative is what I needed before, but not so much anymore. I'm still keeping a grasp on the possibility that I've already seen her for the last time, but I can't focus on it because I'll start to believe that it's the truth long before anything has a chance to happen.

But that right there helped me, and is exactly what I needed (wanted?) to hear, so thank you, woody. I've been dwelling on the negative "what ifs" and it's been bogging me down, and no matter how this all ends up, that is not healthy for me. Going to do my best to keep busy for the next few weeks/months, maybe even try to meet other people to see if I'm REALLY that hung up on her or if it's just the "she's going away and this is it!" sort of panic that I've been feeling since she first told me she was moving back.

Maybe it will be good just to be away from the emotional cyclone the past two weeks of my life have been, to know she's gone and take a step back to look at everything, and make my decisions with a clear head.

So again, thank you.

[woody]

Good on you and you are most welcome

[Mark Luis]

In many cases we have seen that couples in a relationship have to live separately in order to meet the challenges at the professional front. It happens when both the partners are working and if their geographical area of work is different than they are forced to live in different cities. In the beginning it seems that both will be able to manage the issue of distance separating them but after sometime many small issues start getting piled up and result in bigger problems. This happens if one or both partners start keeping their feelings to themselves. Sometimes it happens that one or other partner doesn’t feel comfortable in sharing feelings on phone or on any other electronic device. There could be communication issues too which could lead to misunderstandings and mistrust.

It is very unfortunate to see that distance is taking a toll on a relationship which both partners have nurtured with so much of love, care and trust. The problem they start to face could be in the form of frequent fights, loneliness, boredom, doubts, missing the company of one another, jealousy, physical absence and many more. Even when both of them feel affectionate to each other, these issues start creating a gap between them. At such times if proper steps not taken at correct time, than it could even lead to ending of a relationship.

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[daisy123]

Hello,

I think you must talk with in dept about your feelings she will understand.

[TablesandChairs]

You don't have to give; it's not some set-in-stone response you have to have to this situation. Forcing yourself isn't going to work. Instead, consider some factors:

a) She's 29, not 18 - if she thought you were a potential, you'd get clearer signals - the type that don't leave room for doubt. At that age, you're not going to let someone you're interested in slip away so easily so even if you weren't 100% sure (say, because you're moving or because of a recent break-up) you would at least say 'Hey, it sucks that we met under these circumstances but I'd really like to get to know you better...'. Something like that.

b) The fact that she has moved away makes it even more difficult; she wasn't giving you anything even remotely concrete when she was in your area...so that won't be made any easier.

On the other hand, if you dismiss it completely, you might wander 'what if' for a long time...so, keep in touch by all means. Try to keep communication open when possible...but don't misread signals because these things don't really require scientific analysis. And don't go putting your life on hold because this is very much something that may lead to nothing.

[Abitapprehensiv]

We've talked a few times via text over the past few weeks since she left, but I can't tell for sure if she's still in recovery mode or moved on yet. I was starting to think I was strictly an emotional vent to her, which got me down for a bit, but the last two times we talked it was less "woe is me" and more just random bullshitting and chit chat. Which is good, she can talk to me without holding a pity party, and we still have that connection I've felt since the beginning.

I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into this part, but I don't want to miss out on a potential signal: One of the last things she said was along the lines of "I don't know why I can't be without someone, I hate feeling alone all the time," or something like that. Is that just emotional venting over her breakup still, or is she fishing for me to say something? She's previously mentioned that she's never really had time to herself outside of a relationship, for at least seven years between her last two boyfriends as far as I can tell, and that she wants to take this time to do some soul searching, and with that in mind I've been keeping my feelings out of topic. But, I'm wondering if she's changing her view already, and trying to confirm a suspicion that I feel the way I do before putting herself out there.

Seems pretty optimistic on my end, I know, but I'd rather keep an eye out for something that may not come than miss out on something that does, even if I get hurt a little more in the process. She also mentioned only sticking around in her area for another three months, but didn't say what after that, so maybe she's considering coming back to my area? Maybe not here, but closer at least, I can hope.

[smackie9]

I hate to be a party pooper but that sounds like she's just confiding in a good friend. If she had interest she would be asking silly stuff like "do you find me attractive?" or "Would you ever date someone like me?" or "I think I might move back..." that right there is putting it out there. No she is just still recovering, adjusting, re-evaluating, and feeling uncertain.

You need to let her be single, and date others for a little while so she can sort herself out emotionally. You definitly don't want to end up a rebound.

[woody]

Okay, well here; I'm thinking about your situation and the positives are this: She is comfortable confiding in you. Yes, a very friend oriented base line but good none the less.
She has been unsingle for a long long time and I agree this girl needs to do some soul searching before jumping inwards again with another person.
Is she testing the waters out your way? Sounds a little like it.
You know, there is no harm done in sharing a little of how your feeling towards her without pushing too hard. Chances are she already fully knows how your feeling and is enjoying getting to know you better without the added pressure of placing labels on what you and her are.
At this stage, you are developing your friendship. Don't forget, many of the greatest love stories in the history of mankind began with a great friendship.....