Help needed, dealing with his sister and jealousy issues

[AmIJealous]

Ok, here goes...

I have been with my boyfriend for about 9-10 months and we have been living together since July.

He has a relatively small family circle by comparison to mine. His mum sadly passed away 2 years ago and he isn't particularly close to his dad,

He has an older sister who lives close by who has two children of her own.

When I first met his sister I felt that we got on well and I recall him saying that of all the relationships he'd ever had I was the first girl she had liked and got on with.

After I moved in a few things cropped up that I wasn't particularly happy about with regards to her having a key to his house - she once let herself in when we were in the middle of an argument for example and has always been able to come and go as she pleases when he isn't in if for example she wanted to collect something.

He once mentioned she had been upstairs and commented on the mess of the bedroom.

I raised these points but I was quickly shot down and reminded that it is difficult for her given that it was her mums house previously - which I tried to be understanding about. We agreed that in future she would knock first.

Fast forward a month or two and we had another row which resulted in my leaving for the night to stay at my mum and dads. The next morning I came home to find she had been over and helped him pack up all of my clothes and belongings. A week later he is asking me to come back and saying he was wrong to let her take control but that she was doing it to protect him as in the past an ex made an allegation against him that nearly cost him his job

Since then she has asked him not to let me be around her kids when we are volatile together and has not invited me to any family get togethers. A huge row was caused on xmas eve when he decided to spend christmas & boxing day without seeing me at all. A week later once again he wanted me back.

I have tried to explain to him that I am not jealous of her but that I feel that I will never be as important to him as her as in my eyes she relies on him very heavily to do odd jobs around the house, fix her car, babysit etc.

Maybe I wouldn't be so bothered about the time he does spend if I didn't think that she would be in his ear about us so much but even he has said that she 'hates my guts'.

It was also never an issue before when I was involved in things to but I feel like this will be an ongoing issue and im not sure I want to be involved in it.

I love and care about my boyfriend but I'm at a loss as to what to do with regards to this situation as he sees it as me being jealous of his sister, and not having good family values in that I dont want him helping her out - which is not the case at all.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[woody]

OH yeah, I have thoughts and opinions here dear lady.

Your not Jealous of his sister, your pissed (and have every right) at him for not defending his ladies (YOU) honor. It may be their Mother's old house but it is now 'your' and his home. I've never seen a situation where there are 'two' ladies of a house without a power struggle and the fact she has a key and points fingers at dust bunnies is poor form on her part. I would imagine she's feeling protective yet honestly, she's taking it too far. And your man saying things like "she hates your guts" well, poor form on his part. What the heck.

If he can't figure out how to stand up to his sister and protect you and the home you and he are trying to establish, well, what a shame.
If talking with him and explaining things doesn't work, well then, you know what you need to do.
The fact he helped her pack your things after that 'row' was ridiculous. The fact he allowed her to dictate is foolish

He needs to stand up to his sister and tell her to back off, cut you some slack and spread allot more respect your way and if she cannot, then he would appreciate the keys back and some courteous space. Your his Lady, and she needs to earn back your trust and if she can't and he doesn't stand up for you, then he isn't working with a full spine.

You sound clever. You know what to do.

[smackie9]

Sorry but family is thicker than a GF. He is quite happy with the way things are with his sister so your only option is....if you don't like it, get out!

- - - Updated - - -

Tip: don't move in with someone you barely know...you can't possibly really know someone after 3 or 4 months....this is a prime example. You should always take your time getting to know someone, express your expectations, and set relationship "boundaries" before even moving in with them.

[TablesandChairs]

Heavy arguments this early on is not a good thing; I'm not sure if you're arguing over other things or his sister in particular? Firstly, though - he needs to stop hiding behind his sister like she's his 'protector' - I'm guessing he's a grown man. You staying over at yours parents' for a night (or two) is not justification for having your stuff packed up by his sibling. It's not unusual for two siblings to rely heavily on each other when they don't have parents around - they become each others' only family. I get that. But his over-reliance on her (and her over-meddling) can never set the grounds for a healthy couple relationship between him and you or him and any other woman. He's mentioned his sister has never liked any of his girlfriends - but she doesn't have to. It's not her relationship.

Maybe this might be more trouble than it's worth for you - blood is thicker than water, as they say - and unless he can set some boundaries, you'll forever be enemy number 1.

[woody]

Sorry but family is thicker than a GF. He is quite happy with the way things are with his sister so your only option is....if you don't like it, get out!

- - - Updated - - -

Tip: don't move in with someone you barely know...you can't possibly really know someone after 3 or 4 months....this is a prime example. You should always take your time getting to know someone, express your expectations, and set relationship "boundaries" before even moving in with them.

Hey WakeUp, ok okay ok. I gots to say, GF, BF's become husbands and wives (hence, become Family). Do you honestly think his sisters not a little overly uber protective? She hasn't liked any of her bro's gf's. This present one , (the O.P) has known him for nearly a year and living together for 6 months. True, true, not allot time but its been done before and not all end up in the crapper.
Do you honestly think he should do nothing regarding his sis?

[Wakeup]

Hey WakeUp, ok okay ok. I gots to say, GF, BF's become husbands and wives (hence, become Family). Do you honestly think his sisters not a little overly uber protective? She hasn't liked any of her bro's gf's. This present one , (the O.P) has known him for nearly a year and living together for 6 months. True, true, not allot time but its been done before and not all end up in the crapper.
Do you honestly think he should do nothing regarding his sis?

Well, it was Smackie you were quoting but you've asked me so I'll respond with my opinion.

Which is:

A huge row was caused on xmas eve when he decided to spend christmas & boxing day without seeing me at all. A week later once again he wanted me back.

Op: Your problem is that you let him dismiss you only to go back to him once he starts to miss you being in his life. I think the reason that his sister is so involved in his life is because he has mental issues (kicking you out, wanting you back, unable to make his own decisions etc) and she feels responsible for his best interests.

The bottom line isn't that the sis is doing wrong but rather that your bf, her brother is an immature twit who hasn't yet grown up and has allowed his sister to control him, his life in general and his romantic life in particular. This is not going to change and I think that you'd do well to NOT LET HIM HOOVER YOU back in to more of the same. She "hates your guts" and he is not man enough to tell her to fvck off and leave you alone.

Get out while the getting is good before the two of them whittle away at any self respect you may have left.

Now, that being said, IMO Smackie also has a good point. (although I don't think blood being thicker then water (or a gf) is it) You didn't even know this man when you moved in with him. You're finding out and you don't like who you've discovered he is. In future, don't cause yourself to have to pack up and move and pay first and last month's security deposits over and over again... Instead, wait to move in with who you're infatuated with until after the honeymoon period is over and you've found you DO like who you're with before you make that leap.

It was also never an issue before when I was involved in things to but I feel like this will be an ongoing issue and im not sure I want to be involved in it.

Repeating: Your gut is telling you what you need to do so start looking for another place to live and bid him and his sister adeu.

Woody asks:

Do you honestly think he should do nothing regarding his sis?

Yes, he should do something regarding is sis... he allows her too much influence in his life but like I said, he's got issues and at least one is clear: He's not mature enough or man enough to tell his sister to leave his so called "life partner" alone and be nice. That is good reason enough for the Op to vamoose and stay gone even if he calls for her to come back. pffft.

[woody]

Hey WakeUp, ok okay ok. I gots to say, GF, BF's become husbands and wives (hence, become Family). Do you honestly think his sisters not a little overly uber protective? She hasn't liked any of her bro's gf's. This present one , (the O.P) has known him for nearly a year and living together for 6 months. True, true, not allot time but its been done before and not all end up in the crapper.
Do you honestly think he should do nothing regarding his sis?

^^^sorry wakeup, and smackie for that matter. foggy me. woops.

To o.p, in lue of what wakeup says, concur most of it. He definitely needs to man up. Whether he's completely spineless or not is something only you can tell. But oh yeah, he needs to stand up to his big sister who may be putting on the older protective sister realm a little too thick.
Makes me wonder if she be doing this due to Mom being gone. Yet he ought see a pattern in her. No gf past or present does she like. If he doesn't stand up to her, she'll dictate his life and no self respecting woman will come within 10 feet of him.

[Wakeup]

Doesn't really matter what he "needs" to do, He's not doing it and he's not got the Op's back so Op needs to leave him and his sister to one another and get herself away from them both.

[woody]

fair nuff. What a drag though. Hope she does alright
again wakeup, sorry for the confusion on my part,hope you be well

[TablesandChairs]

In-laws can significantly affect relationships between couples; especially when they don't know their place and even more so when the person in question doesn't have the courage to set boundaries or stick up for his relationship when required. Compounding the issue is that his sister is all the family he's got. There may come a time (after several failed relationships) when he wisens up and tells his sister to back off...but right now, he seems to be like play dough to her suggestions. If your partner is the type to keep his relationship sheltered from the opinions of others, then family approval isn't that important...but when he isn't that type, it can be hell and the stress is heavy.

[smackie9]

fair nuff. What a drag though. Hope she does alright
again wakeup, sorry for the confusion on my part,hope you be well

We are both from Canada, old(er), strong minded, think the same....ya I can see why you would get us two mixed up lol.

[woody]

Yes there's nothing quite like a strong beautifully Canadian lady.

and to the O.P: I once long long ago had a dealing with one of my bf's older sisters. I didn't know if she wanted to shoot me or cook me up. Needless to say I had to wonder, how could this be the right fit. Surely when it is the right fit, things would feel at least, safe.
When your in a relationship, one that's right, one must look at all the surrounding vibes, situations and feelings if you will and if something feels out of place, chances are it is and so are you.
When it is right, you will know.

[milk&honey]

He's your boyfriend and he needs to care about how you feel. You two need to sort this out and come to a solution for this. The situation's just going to get worse if this continues on.