Booty Call

[Zeni]

I figured out I was some sort of weird booty call. For the past 4 years I have been involved in a strong flirtation with a guy I went to high school with. Whenever we weren’t flirting, we’d usually have very decent fun conversations to the point where I thought we were friends. We’d go a couple of months without talking and then either he or I would text the other and we’d pick up right where we left. The last couple of conversations the flirting escalated to the point where he asked if I wanted to have sex with him. Because he would mess around a lot it thought he was joking and just moved the conversation along. A couple of months later we were talking again and it came back to the previous conversation, at which point I told him I thought he was joking and he said he was being serious. I was honestly very interested and thought “sure why not”, so I said yes. Between this conversation and the previous one I had moved out of town for a bit, so I wouldn’t be able to see him for a couple of weeks. I was excited, in my mind this was 4 years in the making, that was until I began to go through our conversations and I realized that he’d only text me when he had nothing better to do. The situation when from being a “friends with benefits” to a “booty call”, albeit a strange one as we never really had sex. I asked him if I was his booty call and he didn’t deny it. I haven’t spoken to him since and yet I can’t get over it. I was fine with being a friend with benefits because in that type of relationship I believe that there is at least some mutual respect between the two parties. I think a big part of the hurt I’m feeling comes from realizing that he never considered me a friend. I feel betrayed even though I should have seen it sooner. I feel so stupid and the fact that I still want to talk to him and hope that he in some way considers me his friend just borders on pathetic. One of my closest friends is also a very good friend of his and I think this just adds more salt to my wound seeing as I introduced them. I feel very inadequate; I often wonder what she has that makes her a candidate to be his friend that I don’t. I think it’s that typical thing where if someone doesn’t like you, you wish you could make them like you even though it’s not healthy. I don’t know how to get rid of these feelings of inadequacy or how to stop wanting to call him. I hate that I have somehow allowed him to turn me into this needy insecure person. I have tried to explain these feelings to my friends but they don’t seem to understand me. How do I stop? How do I go back to the person I was before?

[Wakeup]

How can you say you were his "booty call" if you never actually had sex? What? He came over and you blew him? Maybe you can clear that up.

... And don't feel bad about him being your friends, friend and not yours... I suspect that as soon as he asks her to blow him (?) she'll be placed on the same shelf he's placed you.

There is a valuable life lesson gleaned from your experience with this douche you are mis-placed pining away for in that you now know that having uncommitted sex with someone who flirts with you is NO WAY to garner your self worth. Unfortunately right now, you are letting your ego take a hit by erroneously thinking that the attention of this clown (or any other clown just like him) is where you have been gauging the value of yourself. Well, stop doing that. Stop thinking that he's so god-damned important that it makes you feel like shit when he takes away his attention. He's just a twatty boy who you did sex stuff (??) with or flirted with you in superficial ways. He's not anything for you to punish yourself over.

First thing you need to do to change your mind-set is to stop considering yourself as having been "betrayed" or some kind of victim because you are not. You volunteered for everything you did with this guy and if you wanted only his friendship then you should have told him to cut out the bullshit, that friends don't **** one another or flirt or even ask to ****. If you wanted more then just ****ing him, if you had thoughts of romantic feelings for him then you should have told him that before you got involved more then being platonic friends.

Those are lessons learned. (even if you had to have them pointed out to you). Now, stop the victimhood, shake yourself off, take him down off the pedestal and get on with your life and always remember: If you don't want to be just booty, THEN DON'T BE JUST BOOTY.

... And for fk sakes stop the thought process that being a FWB is a step up from FB.
In both cases is just about the sex and you've just found out that you can't successfully compartmentalize sex as just being sex. Stop thinking that it is a sign that someone values you. When a guy values you, he'd never ask you to get sexually involved with him without courting you first and showing you in action that you mean something more then the act to him. Wait for a guy to show you.

Now. Forgive yourself and stop all contact with him and about him so that you can more quickly get to the stage of indifference to him and anything about him. He's just a boy.

[lissa]

Wakeup - AMEN. Great post. Zeni - read and reread that post over and over until it sinks in.

[SummerNight]

I think that the term "booty call" is not right. You are still somebody he likes talking to. You talked for FOUR years and you never had sex. If he was treating you like a "booty call" well.. this is way too much time to bury to have sex in the end. I think he likes talking to you and thought that maybe the sex would also be awesome.

You even agreed to it. There is no difference between "booty call" and "**** buddy". It's a person who you have sex with. You have been way better than both these terms because you have been his friend. Some friendships are different than others. I have also a female friend with who I get a long really well but we also talk for some periods and then nothing for months.

I think you should tell him that all these "booty call" thing made you confused and talk it through with him. The possibility that you got mixed up by terminology is huge in this case.

[Wakeup]

^^^^ ^^^ You make zero sense. However, I'll wait to confirm that "zero sense" until op comes back and verifies whether or not they did sexual things with one another and then he would disappear for awhile.

[Zeni]

With regards to the booty call, I didn't mean it precisely in the very strict sense of the word. Rather I meant that it was sort of like he would just contact me whenever he had absolutely nothing to do and he remembered I was there. I was a convenience to him rather than a true friend. I have gone long periods of time without talking to friends but it is typically due to school and work, whereas with him it was more of whenever he wasn't going out. I feel like the last two attempts to initiate sex were just his way of turning it into a full booty call. [MENTION=52694]Wakeup[/MENTION], I appreciate the brutal honesty and I really did take your advice seriously, although I think the hardest thing will be to forgive myself. It is really hard to accept that you lied to yourself and learn to get past that but I am going to work on it.