In a real crappy spot..

[dprelz]

This is hard to explain but I will do the best I can.

I dated this girl for around 3 years. We met at college (shes 25 im 24) and she had a crush on me for a while. I finally pursued her and it was the greatest 3 years of my life. We were unbelievably happy and spent almost all our time together. I was completely and utterly convinced that she was the one for me.

Last month she breaks up with me, citing a number of different reasons that ended up changing over time.
a) the satisfaction of making me happy was no longer enough
b) she felt dead and couldn’t open up to me because she felt I didn’t understand her (and she admitted that she didn’t tell me anything. So I guess I am supposed to be physic mind reader and know she is feeling bad?)
c) she wants to know what she wants in life before devoting herself to someone

After analyzing it non stop for a month I came up with about a million different theories and things that I did wrong or that I couldn't see. I apologized and tried everything in my power to get her back even though each day without her hurt so ****ing bad. Basically what it boiled down to was she wants to explore the world and doesn't know what she wants yet. She wants to experience other guys and go out to clubs with her friends and have freedom, etc. She likes to travel and thinks that I don't (i don’t travel much since I was saving $25k to put a down payment on apt i just bought a couple days ago).

I scarified my entire life and my friends and devoted 100% of myself to her. I never lied to her once and I continue to stay loyal and devoted even though I know she's making a mistake. I stayed around for a month explaining and telling her that she won't find someone this pure and that loves her as much as me.

She is really quite and that is one of the reasons why it was such a shock. I had no idea there was a problem and I know that is her fault.. But the thing is I would forgive her in a second.. Bottom line is I don’t care who’s fault it was I am loyal to her.

I found out that she was (could be still?) seeing another guy after she left me within a couple days. I was totally crushed but still stayed and pleaded.

Every second of the day is like hell without her and I know she's making a mistake and will regret it later on in life. But by then it might be too late. I want to forgive her if she did make a mistake but I don’t want to wait around for her because that’s not fair.

Every conversation we've had for the past week has been a circle of shit. I feel like she rejected me and I did something to make her leave. But she keeps repeating that we both have to find out what we want in life individually without each other. Then I tell her I know want her, and she feels like I am forcing her to come back.. controlling her... exactly what she DOESN'T want.

The no contact (I started it) has been one for a couple of days and I am going crazy. I got a million answers from her and I'm even more confused. How can I trust someone again if the only person I loved betrayed me like that? How can she be so selfish and let me handle all the shit by myself without telling me and giving me a chance? Like I feel she needs to get her shit together and then date again.. but that is not fair to me because I fell in love with her now. In the month she’s been gone I didn’t talk bad about her once and always put her above me. I tried to understand everything from her point of view and did everything I could to make her see. Obviously it didn’t work and now I’m a spot with absolutely no control and missing her terribly to the point where I STILL can’t work or eat or enjoy anything.

I’ve read the sticky on breakups several times and tried to follow it but I really really can’t see myself happy with anyone but her. If I go to the mall no other girl is pretty to me and I loved everything about her. The only negative thing is that she is quite and maybe she was just living a lie….

Does that make sense to any of you guys?

[TAVS]

It makes complete sence to me. Yet another post I feel I can relate to 100%. I have a similar situation with my ex whom I dated and lived with for over 4yrs. We were planning on getting married and one day she just snapped. For the past 4 months, she's been giving me the, "I don't know what I want" speach. I'm sure it is very similar to the "freedom" speach. But yea, I've been through all that stuff in the past 4 months....Blaming myself, over-analyzing everything, trying to win her back yet give her space......yada yada. About the only thing I cant relate to is the other guy story. Fortunately, I dont have to face that. Those who know my story on here know that my ex is finally moving away so here in a couple weeks I'll be forced to give up entirely. As with you, I believe she is making a mistake that she will regret, but I have to move on. Please don't blame yourself. It's not easy but you can't do that. You and I could have done things better, but since our women didn't tell us there was a problem, we get screwed. Life goes on and you should too.

[Ellynn]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened......

The thing is though...is that SHE wants out. Sad thing is if one person wants out....then the relationship is over. You have tried changing her mind....but obviously she wasn't as happy as you were....or that you thought she was. You cannot change how she feels... She is moving on....

Its important you move on too. I know you cannot imagine life without her now...since the breakup is kinda fresh.....yet. But in time......try 6 months.....you should feel better. Things will eventually go back to normal. Try focusing on other stuff in the meantime. The more you try to get her back....the more shes gonna pull away....

There are other women...and in time....you may find one that you can eventually love.

[dprelz]

thanks for the replies, I appreciate your help.

I know there are other women, and maybe I will find another girl like her but I feel like I owe it to both of us to make this one work. I know she's making a mistake, and I can see her fall into the mistake and I'm trying to help her but it just makes her go faster. I don't want her to ever feel regret or her to cry and feel bad because of what she did to me and what she did to our relationship. That's why I tried to take the pain for both of us the last month and hold out until she could see what she was doing..

If she doesn't communicate her problems in a relationship how is she ever gonna be happy? There is no problem to big to solve if you have commitement and loyalty. The things I offered her are somethng no other guy can ;\

[TAVS]

I feel for you pal. As I explained, I know exactly what you're going through. Do what you can but you can't be expected to put the weight of the world on your shoulders. No matter how much you believe in the relationship, she may never see what you see. For example, what makes you so special that "no other guy" can provide what you can? I have a similar thought about my girlfriend, won't bore you with details, but that's just not a logical argument. It sucks, but you've got to move on. If she comes back, then great, try again, but in the mean-time you have to look after yourself and your own well-being.

[Ellynn]

Her lack of communicating is something she is gonna have to learn(that its bad) on her own. I mean I know you want to be the one to be there for her etc....but honestly its not fair to you to wait on her forever....where in the end she may find someone else and never be with you.

Move on.......and let her come to you. IF she doesn't.then obviously she never had plans to get back with you.

[dprelz]

Well loyalty, honesty, understanding and security is what I can offer.. Nobody will love her as much as me dude.. I love her more then I love myself :\
When she left I didn't hate her and take the easy way out I took double the pain and tried to understand her even though it was her fault I didn't understand her to begin with! Now that I do understand she didn't even give me a second chance or anything but more excuses and reasons that won't make sense as more time passes by.

Ellynn, that's exactly what I'm going to try to do.. If she's the one she will come back, if she's not then I will find the one for me.. I just hope that she isn't scared to come back because she feels she doesn't want to hurt me anymore OR that if she does come back that we will NEVER get what we had before!

[Ellynn]

Thats the sad thing.....there are no guarantees and we do not know what the future holds. So basically we have to worry about the present.

You have to let her do her thing. Let her know that even though your not ok with it.......you respect it. Tell her that if she changes her mind.....she knows your number and where to reach you.... Let her know that you are open to something in the future possibly....but your not gonna wait around. Then break off all contact until she decides to call you....

In the meantime.....move on. Keep your options open. Meet other people. Because you know she will be doing the same thing. SO you need to do this for yourself. That way if things end up never working out....then at least you didn't dwell on it. You just left it up to her.

[dprelz]

Yeah that is exactly what I've been doing for the last while. It's been 2 days of "non contact" and she still phones me and texts me... Either she is really ignorant to my feelings or she is just manupulative and is trying to make me think about her.

[Ellynn]

Yeah that is exactly what I've been doing for the last while. It's been 2 days of "non contact" and she still phones me and texts me... Either she is really ignorant to my feelings or she is just manupulative and is trying to make me think about her.

Yeah I hate people like that. THey sit there and say how they DONT want a relationship and then keep buggin you...making it harder to move on. But you need to PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Let her know she cannot just request freedom and then come in and out of your life when she chooses. Be strong.....

[dprelz]

Well freedom was one of her reasons and she has a new guy now(i think..) so nothing makes sense anyways. Bottom line is she ****ed me because of her retarded emotional intellegience and it sucks because I loved the girl

[Chlorine]

dprelz----"She likes to travel and thinks that I don't (i don’t travel much since I was saving $25k to put a down payment on apt i just bought a couple days ago)."

Well, for whatever it's worth, you didn't get the girl....but at least you own your own apartment now. That counts for something. You have control over your own life (just not hers).

[dprelz]

Thanks for trying to cheer me up but I guess I'm not an optimist.. I actually have my own car, a degree and apartment and I'm 24 but I would trade all that in for 1 more day with her ;\

It's supposed to get better with time but everyday it feels worse and worse.

[TAVS]

Hey dude, do something fun and different. Pickup a new hobby or something. Do you have money? I had a bunch of money saved up as I was hoping to help my Ex with grad school. I went out and bought a 78 Firebird to restore and it's helped here and there. I also went out and bought some new 'festive' clothes. I can't tell you how much brighter my days are when wearing them....especially on a Friday.

[dprelz]

Well I am even more confused now. She phoned me 2 days ago about 20 times and I didn't answer any of them. Then yesterday she stopped and now I want to phone her but I didn't. I know she is crying and Is missing me but she tries very very hard not to show it. But if she is doing that doesn't that mean we should be together... ? She almost acts like she hurt me so bad that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore.. but that is the stupidiest thing I've ever heard!

I go a couple of hours without thinking of life without her but then when I sleep my bed feels so damn empty!