wishing wife would step up

[pigpen672]

Hello,

I'm a working full-time (11 hours a day out of house, Monday through Friday) husband. Some days, sometimes twice a week I am gone about 19 hours. These are the days I work OT, leaving in the morning at 5 a.m. for the train and not returning until midnight. I do this because I am the sole income for our home and my wife is a stay at home mom to our two boys.

Why I'm here messaging is the fact that I feel like I cannot talk to her any plainer about what I believe she should do in her capacity as a homemaker and mother here.

We waste a lot of money eating out because she doesn't like to cook, and in turn we eat home probably once a week. There is no regular/routine cleaning or tidying done. What I mean is that dishes will sit for days in the sink, no regular dusting, straightening, purging. There are always things around, on top of surfaces, counters, etc.

Laundry is done, I usually always have clean clothes, but I think for a family of four every other day should cut it. It piles up too sometimes.

Food shopping isn't too regular and we have too much junk food here for the kids. Plus, if it's here WE eat it, ha! While there are a lot of things in their place here, the house is still disorganized and or too much things are here, i.e. toys, one or two closets full of stuff.

Like clockwork she will call her mother every day, but I don't get why she can't get herself going and just think of homemaker of what it is, and treat it like HER job. For the good of our kids, at least. I tell her this. Very often she has excuse after excuse, or fights me about it. If one doesn't know how to do something, there are plenty of resources out there to find out. If I need to fix something in the house, I find out.

I don't run around on her, don't go out to bars, stay away from home on purpose, etc. I'm a good and involved dad and husband. I try my best to talk to her, figure out things, and suggest solutions.
Also, a biggie is she seems to always be sick or ailing. I see that she doesn't take care of herself (health-wise, exercise, eat better, etc.). Doctor visits perhaps?

I love her very very much and she is a good person, but this could be a breaking point with us. Any questions, help, advice?

[basilandthyme]

Pigpen, you will have to look at WHY she's this way.

If she was a slob, poor eater, messy etc when you met her, there's no reason to expect that she would change. You married a lazy woman and she's still lazy. It's not going to change. I guess you could try marriage counselling, but it's very hard for a leopard to change it's spots.

However, if her housekeeping is on a downward trajectory, I'm wondering if she's dealing with depression (or other mental illness). The lack of motivation to cook and do the domestic things you describe could easily be due to a psychological issue.

Perhaps she's resentful about being a stay at home mom and would rather work? If so, perhaps she'd better off working and having a housekeeper.

Anyway, if things have gotten worse progressively, you need to ask her about it. When you do ask, you need to avoid the question of "why?" As in "why didn't you do X?" Instead, talk about how she's feeling about motherhood and domestics. Thing is, it's often very hard to know why we do something - but it's much easier to identify how we feel about it. If she tells you how she feels (overwhelmed/bored/isolated/depressed/etc/etc) DON'T argue with how she feels. Her feelings are legitimate even if you don't agree or understand. Acknowledge how she feels and use those feelings to try and figure out a way forward. Those feelings will give you a clue as to what kind of help to seek.

- - - Updated - - -

Hmm...I fired off that answer too quickly.

Some more questions:

When you speak about this with her, what do you say? And what does she say back to you?

When you get home from work, what do you do during the evening?

Does she know how to cook healthy meals? What was her role modelling growing up?

Also, I noticed that you mentioned about the dishes being left unwashed for days. So it would seem to me that you're not at all pro active about saying "hey, let's go and do the dishes together". Now, I'm also a stay at home mum too, but my husband would always come and help me clear the kitchen. It's a rotten job and is much more pleasant if we do it together. Likewise, if he's in the room when I'm making the bed, he will always help me. If he's watching the cricket on TV, he might offer to do a load of ironing for me. Or if I'm making a meal our son won't eat, he may cook for our son so that I don't have to do two meals. In short, how do you help out at home?

Also, I'm guessing your sex life is non-existent. Would I be right?

[woody]

B&T pegged on everything I was wondering and I couldn't add more really.

I do believe she needs to see a Dr. This does sound like depression of sorts.

I'll also say, if your two boys are fairly messy or in their teens or approaching them, that'll create allot of instant messes hard to keep on top of.

I'll also say get a dishwasher if you don't already have one.

Massage. Rub that woman's back. Sounds like she needs it.

The 4 of you have a grand opportunity here. If balance can be found.