Need help: GF doesn't want to spend time with my family. Hurts myself and my family!

[alnsucks1]

Hello there!



25 yo, been with my SO (she's 23) for 1½ years. Love her very much, can't see myself with any other woman; i'm in for the long haul if she is (which she tells me she is).

We're currently experiencing some problems thought.
First of all, she's not a very social person - like me, she's shy/introvert, has some trust/anxiety/self-worth issues from being treated bad by family/friends/BF's earlier in her life. We're working on those issues; she tells me that being with me has helped enormously (which i can definitely tell).

Some things still make her feel bad - one of them being in a family-type setting. I have a quite large family (6 siblings and 15 nephews/nieces, yikes). They're all extremely sweet and welcoming people though - i've always been told by previous GF's & friends that my parents are the sweetest persons on the earth etc..
My GF however hasn't got the best experiences with family - she has a lot of issues with her mother (the mother being partly the reason behind my GF's weak self-confidence and self-worth). Unfortunately, she kinda "projects" her own family onto mine, which makes her fear those kind of situations and generally makes her feel uncomfortable when she has to meet my family. All of that i can understand, and i can live with it to some extent (even though it's not always easy seeing as my family often gets together - everybody gets along perfectly and we all love each other, it's almost too much hehe.

Now, 2 months ago, my parents gave us a free vacation for one month to Thailand (very expensive, and they're not rich at all - middleclass schoolteachers), because they were going themselves, and they like company, so it's a natural thing for them.
I was happy, we went along. Problem was.... we had to spend some time with them (not a lot, i imagine we saw them every 2nd or 3rd day during that month). And my GF ended up hating the vacation, vowing to herselves never to take a free vacation if it meant she had to feel obligated to partake in stuff like that.

And now - my parents have once again asked us to join them and the rest of my family for 2 weeks in France this summer. And my GF wants to say no, even though almost everything (tickets, accomodation, transport, some meals) will be paid for by my parents. Not because she has another alternative, but simply because she doesn't like the thought of maybe having to spend some nights with my family....

And ultimately, it hurts me. All i wish is for her to become part of the family - everybody already knows who she is, she's met them all, and they've all accepted her as a part of the family.
The rejection feels double-sided - not only will my parents get disappointed (they've already asked me before, if she doesn't like them), but nomatter what i choose to do (stay home with GF, or leave) i will get a bad conscience because i will let somebody down.

So... What do i do? Is it wrong of me to try to get her into the family, should i just accept that it's too much for her right now...? Will she ever be fine with it?

Thanks a lot for reading!

- John

[Wakeup]

Your "princess" is an idiot.

If she cant't get along with your very generous parents then you might think twice about who you're considering spending the rest of your life with. What will you do when/if you have children. You'll take them to see your parents on your own while she stays home? Where will you spend all the regular celebrations/holidays? Are you never to spend time with your folks again with her with you?

Will you ever get the opportunity to see the parts of the world your parents are giving you the opportunity to see and pay for it all yourselves?

You may love her but she's not very bright. What is her problem with spending two or three days out of 7 with them. Were you not able to sleep in the same bed and that is why she's so adamant about not wanting experience travelling the world with them?

Will she ever be fine with it? Not if you start enabling her NOT TO BE.

I suggest you explain to her what an opportunity you've both been given and that between the two of you supporting one another she should be happy to go on a free vacation and how important it is for her to learn to get along and be happy in their company if you two are going to be LIFEmates.

[alnsucks1]

You've got a lot of great points Wakeup (not the one about her being an idiot; although i sometimes disagree with her, that's a lille harsh ;-) )

I can't help thinking, that maybe i pushed her too hard? I didn't mention - the trip to France would be the 3rd she's been on with my parents, there was another one a year ago.
She has anxiety issues; she doesn't really like spending a lot of time with people she hardly knows, especially not family (she feels like she's being judged and can't live up to peoples expectations).

So maybe it's wrong of me to just assume she'll be perfectly fine with joining my family for 2 weeks again, even if it's free. I mean, somehow i do understand her - if I myself hated family get-togethers, another 2 weeks of that might not seem so great.

Argh, i feel bad about it. To make matters worse, she's now mad at me for pushing her - i tried explaining how sad and disappointed it would make me and my parents if she didn't came along, and she told me that making people disappointed was the thing she was most afraid of, and that i had hurt her by saying that :S

[TablesandChairs]

Hi OP,

I can relate to your girlfriend some what. My family consists of 4 people only since my parents migrated. So, most celebrations or family get-togethers have been low-key. We're not dysfunctional as such, but we're definitely not the Brady Bunch. To say I wasn't used to big family gatherings of the sort my partner has (his family is huge) is an under-statement. I remember being pretty overwhelmed/exhausted during the first family Xmas I spent with his family...so many people, so many questions...

But I made the best of it because they were so welcoming - his parents like me (genuinely) and that's a great thing. I also didn't want to be the anti-social girlfriend who never shows up to anything or is so stand-offish that even the most welcoming family would start disliking me.

That said - long periods of time, confined with family members...nowhere to escape to...that can be hell for someone with her issues so...while I would personally try to make the best of it, it's possible that at this time, she hasn't gotten to 'that' stage yet.

So, in my opinion, it's okay to go without her. Reassure her that no one is judging and that her being invited is simply a case of your family wanting to ensure she is included as part of the family. Awesome. But if she's not going to enjoy it and it's going to affect her...let it be for now.

[Wakeup]

You've got a lot of great points Wakeup (not the one about her being an idiot; although i sometimes disagree with her, that's a lille harsh ;-) )

I can't help thinking, that maybe i pushed her too hard? I didn't mention - the trip to France would be the 3rd she's been on with my parents, there was another one a year ago.
She has anxiety issues; she doesn't really like spending a lot of time with people she hardly knows, especially not family (she feels like she's being judged and can't live up to peoples expectations).

So maybe it's wrong of me to just assume she'll be perfectly fine with joining my family for 2 weeks again, even if it's free. I mean, somehow i do understand her - if I myself hated family get-togethers, another 2 weeks of that might not seem so great.

Argh, i feel bad about it. To make matters worse, she's now mad at me for pushing her - i tried explaining how sad and disappointed it would make me and my parents if she didn't came along, and she told me that making people disappointed was the thing she was most afraid of, and that i had hurt her by saying that :S

You're with the wrong woman. Like I said, if you marry this girl are you going to retire to a hermit-like existence consisting of only you and her she wants you to climatize yourself to because she has anxiety and social angst?

I say don't let yourself fall into a habit of enabling her to not accompany you when it means the venue is going to entail more then just you and her.

Its not like you had to spend ALL your vacation time with your parents. You said you only had to a couple of days out of the week.

I bet that if you tell her you'll go alone and she shouldn't feel obligated... she'll give you a hard time for leaving her.

She may not be an idiot but she's has issues that you are going to soon get tired of when you have to EXPECT a lifetime of it.