Is it the relationship, or is it me?

[rockthefaces]

I don't know if this will help me, but it's an outlet to talk, and I'm hoping someone might have some insight, similar experiences to share, etc.

Background: I've been in a relationship with a woman for about a year and nine months. It has, for the most part, been at the least OK - we have one long-standing and continuing issue in that she has a real problem with the fact that I play in a band with the woman I was with before her, even though I was the one who initiated that breakup, I was up front about it from the beginning, and my ex and I are on strictly platonic terms, with boundaries that are respected by both of us. We've fought about that for literally over a year. Anyway. Other than that, we get along fine, can generally have a good time together, our sex life is healthy, etc.

But I am thinking about ending the relationship. She wants to move in together in a few months, and that potential event has me evaluating the whole thing. There's nothing *wrong* with her, per se - I mean, there are things she does that drive me crazy (she's a hypochondriac and catastrophizer, she's much more dependent in the relationship than I am, she can be fairly negative, and has some big insecurity issues), but I don't know if they're necessarily deal breakers, and I'm sure there are plenty of things about me that bug her - and she is, at heart, a kind, caring person who obviously loves me a great deal. At the same time, I find myself feeling restless and uncomfortable. I daydream about being single - not because I want to go out and sleep with a bunch of women, but because of the independence of it, the lack of responsibility for someone else's happiness. My girlfriend has told me she'd be "devastated" if we ever broke up and has used phrases like "You're my world" as terms of affection, and both freak me out because the idea that I have that much power to affect someone's emotional well-being is terrifying to me.

So, OK...end it, right? But I worry. I worry because this is something of a pattern with me. I acknowledge that I have a fear of commitment. Philosophically, I love the idea of finding my person, the one who I'll want to spend my life with...but in reality, I've never been able to reconcile that desire with the need for independence and self-determination that feel so much a part of me, both of which are, if we're speaking realistically, unavoidably at least partially diminished in a committed, long-term relationship. I am constantly questioning if there might be someone out there better suited to me - I mean, I acknowledge that every relationship has issues and problems and nobody's perfect, but I can't shake that feeling. But I can *never* shake that feeling, in any relationship.

I don't know. Have you read the book (or seen the movie) High Fidelity? The main character in that has to deal with the fact that he's unable to be happy with what he has, and comes to realize that jumping from rock to rock isn't the way to go. He has the classic line, "I've been thinking with my guts since I was fourteen years old, and frankly speaking, between you and me, I have come to the conclusion that my guts have **** for brains." And I feel that's true. My gut is telling me to leave but, over the course of my romantic life, my gut has led me to bad decision after bad decision. I don't trust myself. And I don't know whether the problems I'm having with this relationship are due to that, or due to the relationship actually not being one in which I should be taking the steps we're talking about taking.

How do I figure that out? How do I know if this is something I just need to work on within myself, or if the relationship, as adequate as it's been, is truly not one I should be taking to these next levels? I'm so torn over this. Breaking up with my girlfriend would crush her - I'm not an egoist, but she's flat-out told me it would, and the thought of causing her that pain fills me with dread and sadness, because I do love her and hate the idea of breaking her heart. And I'd rather not go down that road if this is a matter of me learning to be happy with what's in front of me, learning to be able to commit, learning to accept the loss of certain independence in exchange for other benefits. But if the problems are real enough for it to matter, then trying to make it work, taking the step to move in together, would be a HUGE mistake.

I have to decide this so soon, and it's killing me. Help.

[basilandthyme]

hmmm....tough one. And I understand the concern about crushing her because this was the decision I faced when I left my ex-husband many years ago.

For what it's worth, I've known many guys who have 'commitment issues'. And every.single.one of them has suddenly found those commitment issues blow away when they meet their Ms Right. All those niggly concerns seem to disappear when they meet the woman who is right for him. I'm not saying that you *will* be like these guys, but I reckon there's a damn good chance that you're simply with the wrong woman.

Now, about the woman you are with at present. If she was to graciously accept that you're in a band with your ex, would you be happier with her? Are there any other issues which need to be addressed for you to be happy in this relationship? If so, my strategy would be to tell her that you're reconsidering the relationship because of X & Y issues and see if she's open to change.

For example, the band problem needs to be handed back to her with a discussion along the lines of "I am in a band with my ex. I am going to stay in the band with her. I need you to accept this and not raise this as an issue again - if you cannot do this, then we need to end things". This way, you're giving the make or break decision to her. It won't be you dumping her, but her making a decision about whether or not the relationship suits her.

All in all though, I can imagine that the constant fighting over this would be very wearing. It's OK to stand up for what you need in a relationship. It's OK to let someone know in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is unacceptable to you and will lead to a breakup.

[kp15]

I think it's the relationship. When you find the one that's meant for you, the thought of "being responsible for someone else's happiness" will not terrify you. Being responsible for someone's happiness that you truly love will be something that you want to do.

Also, the issue with you playing in the band with your ex will probably never go away unless you stopped playing in the band. She's insecure about it and I don't think that there is anything that can fix that.

[michelle23]

If you eliminated the ex from your life, would you still have all these issues with your current gf?? Probably not. She is the main reason for the drama and arguments and most people would have an issue with an ex still being in the picture.. if you do leave your gf, your next gf will have an issue with the ex too.. in fact, i would have dumped you as soon as I realized you are still friendly with her.. close female friends are a threat to your relationship, always have been, always will be.. 99% of affairs are either with an ex or a close friend and any woman with a brain would not be okay with this..

so maybe think about what you are putting her through and try to see it from her point of view

[rockthefaces]

I'm sorry, but I fairly strongly disagree with your point of view on this. I have always had a lot of female friends - I have more female platonic friends than male friends - and have never had an affair with any of them. What's more, I was absolutely up front with my girlfriend about this from the moment we started dating (two of her best friends are guys, and I have zero concern over that), as well as the situation with my ex being in the band. She had the option of dumping me for it back then, and every day since. I was in the band with this person prior to our being involved, and it was worth it to us to keep the band going after it was over, but we don't have a close relationship outside of the band - I see her only at band practices (once a week) and shows, we don't hang out or socialize...like I said, there are boundaries in place that are respected by all parties. I just want to continue to play music with this person because I am invested in the band and it is damn hard to find people who'll play for free and with whom one connects, musically.

I understand everyone has different things they're willing and able to deal with. For you, obviously, close female friends or exes make you uncomfortable, and that is your prerogative, of course. But I don't think that's a universal thing. I have several friends whose significant others or spouses have no problem with them having contact with an ex, or working with an ex on artistic projects. All I can do is be open and honest about my situation and hope that someone would be able and willing to trust me, because I have no intention of betraying anybody, particularly with someone with whom I have zero interest in rekindling anything.

[michelle23]

Ok just bear in mind that there are risks involved when you choose to have close friends of the opposite sex even with no intentions and high morals. Relationships hit rough patches, things go wrong.. that makes everyone vulnerable to making a mistake and mistakes happen easier if you choose to lean on one of those opposite sex friends for emotional support. Even if nothing happens, feelings can develop when your relationship is in trouble so if you insist on having female friends, make sure you always have boundaries in place and don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to an emotional affair. Just because it has not happened yet, doesn't mean it never will.

[Wakeup]

Considering that your gf is extremely insecure and jealous of your ex gf/fellow band member then (at least in this case anyway) I think your gut is right to warn you not to move in with her. Unless of course you're willing to fire the ex gf/band member and acquiesce to your girlfriends insecurity.

Find someone who is just as "fear of commitmenty as you are and the two of you can just be friends with benefits like for-evva!

[TablesandChairs]

I'd be pretty offended if my partner referred to our relationship as 'pretty adequate' but if they did, I'd be preparing to move on. Life is too short to be someone's 'adequate'. Have you considered that you're doing this woman a disservice? I have a weird theory that everyone deserves to be more than just adequate in their partners eyes.

If you want to be independent - be independent. Realise that it's not possible to be 100% independent in a relationship. Couples don't work like that. But then, no one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to commit to relationships. If it's not for you, then have enough self insight to make peace with that fact and make the appropriate choices.

[drleo]

she is wright about being insecure if it was you what will you feel or think people get back together every day with their ex how can she trust you when your ever near your ex ,any way you have to talk to her tell of things you don't like than just dumping her if you don't want her to move in tell her give her even the reason why because she love you and you know that fix your relationship and fix your self

[lissa]

End it. The way you talk about her shows that you are not into her enough. Either you have some issues to work out on your own and should be single for a while and maybe try therapy (your post comes across as pretty anxious and like you’re one to overanalyze, and let's call it what it is - the main character in High Fidelity is extremely neurotic) or like others have said you just haven’t found the right person yet.

Also, I always tell my girlfriends that you give yourself way too much credit when you assume you have the power to destroy someone’s life by dumping them. You don’t. If you had that power, then that only means that she has a problem with not being a whole and complete person without you, and that’s not your problem really. Not to be harsh to her at all. It’s just that if you don’t want to be in a relationship with her, you aren’t doing her any favors by staying with her. In fact, it's pretty awful to assume that she would be better off settling for a guy who doesn't actually like her that much, instead of having the chance to go out and find the love of her life.

[rockthefaces]

For what it's worth, I am in therapy. I am trying. Maybe I come off as a jerk - maybe I am a jerk - but I don't want to be and am really trying not to be. I do care about this person a lot. And, believe me, I don't think I'm God's gift - quite the opposite, actually. I wouldn't be saying that she'd be devastated by me ending it if that weren't exactly what she has said to me would happen if we broke up ("I'd be devastated and probably leave town" was the direct quote). I know that is not my problem, ultimately, but it's just very hard for me to contemplate doing something that will have that effect on someone.

Also, I have to say that I'm genuinely surprised by the number of people who think exes should never be a part of one's life. I don't know; maybe it's the circles I run in, but I know more than a few people who are either friends with their exes, or work with them, or have a business or artistic project with them. But, I guess, I'm in the minority on that. Interesting to know.

[lissa]

I didn't mean to imply you are a jerk! Maybe my post sounded harsh but was just trying to make a point. I just think you are overanalyzing things when it seems pretty clear you aren't super into her and most people would simply move on. I'm glad you are in therapy, I am in therapy too so I know that sometimes you just have to get to a certain point before you are ready to be in a real relationship where you are happy. I'm not sure if you are not there yet. Only you know that. But glad you are working on yourself.

And when I say you give yourself way too much credit, it is not to say you are full of yourself, but a way to remove some responsibility from your shoulders. She is telling you she'd be devastated, but as mean as it sounds, it's not your responsibility if she can't live without you. I know it's hard, but you need to think of it as it simply being your responsibility to do what is best for you, which will be what is best for the relationship (and thereby also best for her, in the long run). The fallout might suck, but people move on, she'll get over it, and you'll both be free to find the love of your lives instead of settling for each other.

Even if you decide to stay with her, it's just good to remember that that sparing her feelings over a breakup shouldn't be factored into that decision.

[michelle23]

I don't know anyone in a committed, happy relationship who keep exes around or close friends of the opposite sex. I know couples who do and there relationships are full of drama, trust issues and BS like yours.. there has also been infidelity in some of these relationships. I am with my bf over 6 years and we have never had any sort of trust issues. It works for us by being each others best friend, emotional support, shoulder to lean on and putting each others feelings first. We have plenty of acquintances, colleagues and friends but none of the opposite sex that we are "too close" to or that cause any sort of insecurity or jealousy. Boundaries are there for a reason and I don't know any long term healthy couple who cross them. To me its just common sense and to him. Its never even needed to be discussed coz I don't feel like I need a bunch of male friends and hes never had close female friends..