Depression and Anxiety: Should I stay?

[uncertain1]

Hello, I really need some helpful advice. I have never talked to anyone not even my best friends about this so I really hope I can get some help.

I have been dating my boyfriend for just under two years I am 25 and he is 30. We have a great relationship for the most part but there are some things that have been niggling away at the back of my mind and I feel lately they are coming to the forefront. After a few months of us dating I learnt that my partner suffered from extreme depression and anxiety. I was the most supportive I could be as I had also suffered from depression. At the time I felt very stable and that I was finally in a really positive place mentally. I did not want to reject him (as other girlfriend's had) or make him feel vulnerable when he told me how he felt. I wanted to nurture him. I could see a really amazing person in front of me, who loved me and still does so much.

Almost two years down the line a lot has changed. We have had our ups and downs and even a near break up. His depression began to bring me down and started to make me feel how I used to. For the most part I am a very strong and independent person, so I had to battle most days to constantly encourage him and keep myself positive. I have never told my friends or family of his depression or anxiety. I didn't want them to judge him or to think 'what the hell are you with him for?'.
Sadly most people today still have massive stigma attached to mental health. I was so determined to make him happy, as I had had success with myself. It seemed to work for a while and then he got really bad again and went on anti-depressants. I found this really hard to accept, I think because I wanted to believe there was some way of healing him without medication. Or that taking medication made the depression even more real. I wanted him to be able to manage his depression by himself and when he felt better her could fully claim that as his own doing. I stayed, it was rocky at first but I stayed.

These things seem so normal to me now, the reason I write though is for a different reason (this is just background). With me he is so full of life,laughter and love. He loves me so entirely, I can really see I am his life. He is supportive, thinks i'm really clever and beautiful and empowered. We get on really well, have a great sex life and his core beliefs match mine. When I first met his family I saw an entirely different person. He was dead silent. I knew he had strained relations with his family but I had never seen anything like it. Meeting the parents for most people is nerve racking, I get a little if not very anxious about stuff like this, but when I get there I step up and come across very friendly. Which is what I did, I chatted away asked lots of questions and his family are so lovely. All this time I have never wanted to make him feel bad about himself, I don't think pointing out peoples flaws helps them when they are trying to grow. So I acted like it was ok at first. Later when we were on the verge of breaking up, he asked why I didn't want to see his family more and I had to say it was because I feel so abandoned when we are there like I have to fend for myself. It's just so odd.

Then it got worse as he then meet my family pretty early on and he was so quite. I don't even think the word 'shy' even illustrates just how silent he was. I could tell my parents thought he was nice and they see how we get on. But I just feel no one is gushing about how amazing he is. Right now I feel almost embarrassed to introduce him to people, he has only met my best friend in the two years we have been together, which to most people seems odd. She is very confident, none judgemental and friendly and she did not rave about him either. I'm not sure if their expectations are too high or what. But you would think meeting someone you would have some opinion!?

I got so tired of friends asking to meet him that I have recently been avoiding seeing them because i hate making up excuses or them commenting that he 'must be imaginary'. Last weekend I started to feel my depression creeping back in, I feel isolated, trapped and so bored with all aspects of my life. Which is crazy since if you take a step back my life looks successful. This resulted in a heated argument with my boyfriend. It was my birthday and we celebrated it by going away (just us two). The following week I wanted to go clubbing with mates (a reduced number so I didn't freak him out) and he didn't come. He only let me know 3 hours before I was going out. I cried so much by myself before I had to put on a smile and go out, the evening was ruined because it confirmed something for me. My relationship doesn't work when other people are involved.

In this heated conversation I tried to tell him how sad I felt, that I was worried that we don't work outside of us, that I was trying to protect him by not meeting potentially judgmental friends. He was really angry saying that it made him feel like an idiot or that I was embarrassed of him. He hadn't even been given a chance to meet them and I was already writing him off. He also thought that it should not matter at all what other people think. I hear this phrase a lot from people but in real life you do care how others see you and you want them to be happy for you. I see where he was coming from but felt like it was overly harsh and that he was robbing me of my emotions. So many nights and days I have poured all my energy into helping him but when I have concerns he always out upsets me so then I end up being the one cheering him up! I just see my life in two paths. I could break up with him and tread that path. Or I could open myself to judgement and see how it goes. I just have visions of me being in my 40s with kids and having to support a crumbling man. I really don't want this to sound harsh. I really love him so so much, so much so I have remained silent and never told a single soul the truth. I am so bad at letting go of people I love. Please help, should I stick it out and just take the plunge or should I call it quits?

[TablesandChairs]

You love him for a reason - I'm guessing that aside from his faults, there are things about him you really find valuable. So, that's a good thing.

You say you wish he didn't take anti-depressants, like somehow that's a sign of personal failure that reflects badly on you. Put it this way, though. If he had cancer, would you feel insulted that you couldn't cure him with love? Would you feel like he was weak for seeking chemotherapy? No. So why then, when it comes to depression - which is an illness - do you think your love is enough to cure him? You can't compare your experience with depression to his - these things vary greatly - in severity, duration, nature...if he's seeking help/treatment, that's a good sign. I've been depressed, as has my partner (before we met each other). He de dealt with his depression with exercise - he ran like a maniac. Not a bad thing, it led to him becoming very fit. I, on the other hand, could barely get out of bed. Same diagnosis, very different reactions.

He's not good socially, that much is obvious. Depression/anxiety can make you uncomfortable around people who you aren't that close to. But this is something you can work on through communicating properly. You're right in saying that it's not okay for him to completely de-validate how you feel so explain that this is something you would like him to put more effort into when possible. By all means, it can be awkward when your other half doesn't talk during social situation.

You say no one is 'gushing' about how great he is. I guess we all enjoy a bit of external validation regarding our relationships; we want people to almost envy the amazing relationship we have. I used to be like that. My ex was amazing socially - people adored him. My mother thought he was Prince Charming. Well, he was an asshole behind closed doors when no one else was watching.

We can't really presume that he's going to be a 'crumbling' man forever but you have every right to think about the future and what it might hold. If you truly think there's not going to be enough improvement and that you'll end up needing to mother him in the future...then yes, you may as well consider breaking up. But maybe you're jumping the gun, I dunno how severe his depression is or how much it affects his day to day functioning.

[TheEvilJester]

This is often a tricky situation. Never an easy answer here. I can tell you this, though, your story sounds A LOT like mine with one big exception.... it sounds like this guy is actually good to you. I had a very similar situation. I, myself, have always battled with depression, and been lucky enough to always come out on top. I met a girl who had been through much of the same, and acted as though she too had come out on top. It wasn't until later in the relationship that she started to reveal how deeply she still battled with it.

And the thing is, that is understandable. It is NOT an easy battle, and I know that first-hand. So I tried for SO long to be there to help her.... the difference from your story, though, is she didn't appreciate it one bit. She never treated me with the respect I deserve, and it took me way too long to finally realize it and free myself of the situation.

So, your story sounds a little different in that at least he treats you with the respect you deserve. The honest truth, though, is it doesn't necessarily change the end result. It COULD. If he is honestly fighting to find his way out of this, then perhaps you do your best to be there to support him. BUT, that has to mean he is ACTUALLY trying to better himself. With my ex, she was not at all. She'd act as though she would, but then would refuse to put in any of the actual effort. She pretended she wanted to build a life and a future with me, but just refused to do any of the work it takes, or do anything to get herself the help she needed. Instead, she chose to just give in to it all.

If he is not going to fight to get better, then you cannot let him drag you down. Especially not after you have fought so hard to get yourself out of the same dark place he seems to be dragging you back into once more. It may sound a tad heartless, but it really is not. When it comes right down to it, you can support somebody to a degree, but when it becomes unhealthy for you, you need to worry about yourself as well.

My past relationship turned me into a person I did not like, and that is another thing I didn't really see until I was out of it. I know you want to be there for him, and that is great. If he does fight to get better, then maybe continue to give him a chance if you can. But, if he does not do anything to get the help he needs, then you cannot let yourself be dragged back into a dark place you fought so hard to free yourself of before.

I can even relate to him about meeting new people. Here's a quick question for you.... Have you tried specifically engaging him together with the group when you are with your friends or family? Again, I can speak from experience. With my ex, whenever I was with my family, my friends, my co-workers or whatever and she was with me, I would make sure to include her as part of the group to help her feel comfortable. On the other side, it if was her friends, her family, etc. she'd practically act like I wasn't there. She knew I was crazy shy (and I always do my best to get over that on my own anyway) but instead of being my partner, she'd just abandon me and then act like there was something wrong with me when I wasn't Mr. Social.

Now, mind you if you are doing the same to him, you may just not realize it. Though, from your story I would venture to guess you HAVE tried to include him and it doesn't help. So, then again it goes back to that being his problem and he needs to learn to deal with it. Heck, he needs to learn to deal with it for his own self as much as you. I can absolutely understand social anxiety, but it is yet another situation where you can't get over it if you don't try. If you just give in to it, you will never improve and then how is anybody ever supposed to be okay with that? How could he expect you to be okay with that?

I don't mean to pretend it is easy. I, of all people, know it is not. But, he has to show up to the fight if he ever expects to win. As sad as it may be, if he cannot do that, then no amount of support from you will magically change that, and you cannot let him drag you down. You fought this battle already and won. You deserve to get to be happy. That doesn't HAVE to mean you don't fight for him as well, but he has to be fighting too. If he's not, and he's dragging you down, then it is in your own best interest to get out of the situation. I hope you never have to, but I hope you care about yourself enough to if need be. Good luck to you.

[pcmaster]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] Wow Jester so you had girlfriend already. And I was thinking you are virgin. How old you where when you battled depression and when did you came out of that unhealthy relationship? So you had depression too. How did you win the battle? Are you on meds now or you okay without them?

OP Jester have point about helping engage your BF with your friends when they are together. Maybe he just needs a little help.

[Wakeup]

he didn't come. He only let me know 3 hours before I was going out. I cried so much by myself before I had to put on a smile and go out, the evening was ruined because it confirmed something for me. My relationship doesn't work when other people are involved. [] I cried so hard by myself... [] I feel isolated, trapped and so bored with all aspects of my life.

You have discovered, as time went on and you learned who your boyfriend really is that a life with him would not be tolerable... If you stay with him, well... Welcome to the rest of your life.

I think you have to stop thinking that this guy can't live without you and instead start thinking about yourself and how you CAN'T live with him.

Sorry if I missed it but is he getting therapy for his social anxiety disorder?

[uncertain1]

Thank you for such a lovely message. I wish you hadn't had a similar experience, but it is a comfort that I am not alone in experiencing it. The thing that upsets me the most is that is is such a wonderful person behind closed doors/when it is just us two, just he shuts down when anyone else is involved. I am a very conscious personal and always make sure to include and make people feel welcome. Mostly because I know how nerve wracking it can be. I know this sounds incredible selfish/self preserving but I just feel I have spent too long feeling down that I just want to be really happy for a long time. I know all we really can ask for is contentment, but I just want a bit of my life however short that may be not thinking about depression. I don't mean to sound disrespectful as I full understand it is an illness and people react to it differently. It is just exhausting. Thank you very much for reading what I wrote I really appreciate your words. I have a lot of thinking to do and hard conversation ahead I think. But I feel I may have a similar experience to you, that it is only when I am out of it will I realise just how different I have become.

Thank you, take care.
Wishing you all the best!

- - - Updated - - -

He had therapy when we have younger and more recently. It seemed to help him for a bit but then he slowly slipped back into feeling like life had no purpose. He is such a wonderful person to be on this planet that I want to tell him every day how amazing he is. But sadly it's not so easy to make someone feel it. He discover he had thyroid issues too, which made him very tired. On the medication and anti-depressants he is a lot better, but there are times when we will be having such a nice time and he will suddenly switch to feeling sad. One time he would not talk to me at all and I had to stop him and ask why he began to cry and say he felt angry at me (for something he thought trivial - putting dishes in the dishwasher ha) and I said that it's ok to feel pissed off at me... that's what humans do when they live together, things that shouldn't matter at all piss you off ha. So yeh we don't really argue ever because he hates to be angry at me. Sorry that totally went into a ramble there!

I could recommend therapy again although it is very expensive and he is on a tight budget. I think it must be hard for him because I seem to cope well with things i'm an ambitious person but i an anxious of the inside. It may just be one of those things when you might be great people just not great together. Sometimes I feel like in a way it may be good that we are together as we can understand each others depression, but can two depressives together ever make happy people?

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you so much for your response I really appreciate it!
All the best to you too.

[michelle23]

In one way you say you want him to make an effort socially but then you are afraid what people will think if he does.. a lot of people are shy or anxious socially but he will manage and survive if you let him. He may open up socially one on one if you give him the chance. My bf is quite and doesn't do well in groups but he will find a corner and some bloke he can talk about sports or something with. He has gotten much better at socializing over the years and now feels more comfortable around my family and friends..

My bf may be shy and quite but I have never heard anyone judge him or speak badly of him. Compared to other men I know, he is a saint and my family/friends speak highly of him. So maybe you need to stop worrying what others will think. Being shy is not a crime.

You need to decide what is more important to you and think "is the grass really greener".. you could find a guy who is a social butterfly, the life and soul of the party but who drinks too much and causes a scene or flirts with your best friend or gets into fights.. thats what these social, exciting types are like.

What really matters is how he treats you, how happy you are together, can you achieve what you want to in life together and motivate each other to do better and be better.. is he holding you back? Are you holding him back or are you both still achieving your goals and doing well together?

As for depression, I get that is really difficult to deal with but sometimes anti-depressants are the only thing that can help. He could have a chemical imbalance which causes the depression and unfortunately meds are the only answer to that.

Do you know what caused his depression? Was it triggered by a traumatic event or did it just happen for no reason? Therapy will help if something triggered it but if not then meds are the solution here.. sometimes both are needed together.. sometimes he could be wrongly diagnosed and taking the wrong meds so again therapy is needed..

I know you have a lot to think about and some difficult decisions to make. The best advice I can give you is don't end it unless you are sure that is what you want.

[TheEvilJester]

I would definitely agree with a lot of what Michelle had to say above. Deciding to leave somebody is never an easy decision to make, especially not when there are still many aspects in which they make you happy. Again, my situation was perhaps a tad a-typical, but by the time I finally woke the Hell up and got myself out of that situation, there were seriously absolutely no redeeming qualities remaining in the person I THOUGHT I knew. Made it pretty darn easy for me to turn around and says to myself "Self.... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!"

Your situation isn't quite so cut and dry. By your own admission, he is a good dude. He's just battling with some deep personal issues with depression and anxiety. That, alone, is certainly not a reason to leave somebody. But, again, it's also not a reason to NOT leave them in and of itself. In other words, he doesn't just get a free pass on being broken up with because he's already so depressed. The fact is he needs to do something to fight for himself, and fight for whatever future he may want to have, which hopefully could include you.

So, certainly you don't take ending the relationship lightly. Yet, at the same time, it should still be an option. Let me correct you on one thing....

It is NOT selfish to be thinking about leaving him if his depression is starting to run the danger of pulling you back into your own. Especially if he is not trying to fight his way out of his own, which it sounds like he is not. It would suck, sure, but when it comes right down to it, you need to worry about your own health and well-being as well. You didn't fight so hard to pull yourself out of your depression just to have somebody else pull you back into it.

I am sure he is in no way intending to pull you down with him, but it does have that affect all the same. So, you are NOT selfish to want to just get to be happy for once. If you WERE selfish, you wouldn't even think twice. You'd have left him without a second thought so as not to jeopardize your own happiness. You have tried to be there for him. You have tried to fight for him. If he was showing up to the fight as well, then I'd say perhaps you keep fighting, keep supporting him. To be honest, though, even if he was it could possibly still be too much for you. That would be sad, but it would still NOT be selfish.

Again, I hope you don't HAVE to make that decision. I hope he starts fighting for himself and gets the help he needs. Heck, even if you two wind up not working out, I hope he at least gets the help he needs for his own self. But, the bottom line is that if you are being put in danger of being dragged back into your own dark abyss, then perhaps it is not worth it. I know how you feel. I thought that it was almost destiny because I had been through my own Hell and won, so I could be part of helping somebody else do it as well. The thing is, they have to be helping the fight. You can't forcibly drag somebody up into the Heavens with you, and if they start dragging you down into Hell then, good person or not, you need to take care of your own self.

Good luck to you.

P.S. [MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION]

No, I am not a virgin. LOL! Honestly.... sometimes considering my ex I sort of wish I still were. Yes, I had a girlfriend/fiance/wife at one point. I was with somebody who pretended to be a completely different person, not really revealing the full truth until we were married.

I've battled with some level of depression pretty much my whole life, but it was the absolute worst in my teen years. I've never really sought out therapy, nor medication, which I DO NOT at all suggest. I probably SHOULD have. I probably could have conquered my demons so much more quickly and suffered so much less. But, I was bad off enough that I didn't CARE to seek out help. So, I fought a battle alone that I never should have had to fight alone. Thankfully, it was a battle I won, but I would NEVER suggest my methods to anybody else. I would urge anybody suffering from similar issues to seek out help. It is NOT a sign of weakness to seek out help when you need it. Nor would I say it is a sign of weakness to fight the battle alone, but it is just very unwise.

As for that mistake of a relationship, I've been out of it for a couple years now. Since then, I've been through good times and bad, but I can still look back and feel a twinge of happiness when I remember the fact that I could die miserable and alone and still be a million times better off than I was in that relationship. I've begun to come to realize that I AM going to die alone, but I've been miserable long enough, so that part AIN'T happening. I may die alone, but I'm going to be happy, because damn it, I've earned it.

[Wakeup]

You need to decide what is more important to you and think "is the grass really greener".. you could find a guy who is a social butterfly, the life and soul of the party but who drinks too much and causes a scene or flirts with your best friend or gets into fights.. thats what these social, exciting types are like.

Maybe the Irish social types that are "social butterflies" may be that way but I doubt every single person who is outgoing and social will be like that.

If you find you're with a drunken social type, op then that would be your clue to stop seeing him. You sometimes have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. The key is to realize quickly that who you are with it not going to change or is doing NOTHING to help himself change and then get yourself out of that situation.

It is one thing to stay with someone who is helping himself and making an attempt to change, it is quite another when they are not getting help or at the very least trying to acclimatize themselves to be more compatible, social and less anxiety ridden.

Don't stay with him unless he is willing to continue therapy and get to a point in his life where his medication is helping him to be the best him that he can be for himself and then subsequently his new improved self with show itself to you as well.

Repeated for good measure:

Said "EvilJester:" somebody else do it as well. The thing is, they have to be helping the fight. You can't forcibly drag somebody up into the Heavens with you, and if they start dragging you down into Hell then, good person or not, you need to take care of your own self.

[TablesandChairs]

I dated a guy who was amazing socially - everyone loved him. But he was a needy, critical, selfish jerk behind closed doors. The decision to break up with someone like that is fairly easy because the jerk-ness is directed towards you. But when it's directed towards others...?

Well, it's still shitty. There's a saying - 'Pay attention to how someone treats the waiter, not just how they treat you'. His isolationist/people hating ways is going to grate on your nerves - bit by bit, you'll become less social, you'll pull away from others as a means of not wanting to deal with people asking you the dreaded 'Does he hate us? How come he never talks to us? He seems really unfriendly'. I don't think you're expecting him to become Mr. Party - but you're expecting a base level of politeness and friendliness. You don't just stare at your shoes when you meet someone's parents, for example - or when you introduce them to yours. A bit of effort, even if you don't feel like it, is necessary.

A lot of people are introverted, but I think this crosses the territory towards being anti-social or just rude. He's 30 - depression and anxiety aside, he should know by now that no healthy relationship can exist in a hermit-like vacuum where your entire world revolves around the one person.

Think about it - if he can manage to pull out the charm and laughter when it's just you two - couldn't he put in a bit of effort around family and friends as not to put you in an awkward situation? Just for a few hours? You know him - do you think that base-level of polite interaction is so beyond him as a result of his illness? Or does he just choose to make no effort because it's not important to him?

You say 'I can see that I'm his whole world'. Not actually a great thing - it's one thing to be the most important person in his life...and another to be the only person in his life.

[TheEvilJester]

Good points, all. I'd also like to add that I realize I kind of forgot all about the medication issue. So, to the OP...

I can understand feeling a little iffy about medication. Heck, I've heard horror stories from people about meds. Things like the meds only making matters worse. Things like a particular med making them feel nothing, feel kind of empty and robotic, rather than making them feel better balanced. Or doctors who just try to throw medications at the problem and they wind up on a cocktail of crap that doesn't help.

The thing is, any good professional will work with their patient on these sort of things. They won't just throw medications at the problem, but will use them when they actually do have a chance of helping. Not only that, but they will work with each individual patient to determine which medication(s) work best for them.

So, I can definitely understand having a bit of a stigma about him taking medication, but you really must do your best to dissuade yourself of that. It is entirely possible that some or all of his issue has to do with a chemical imbalance, or some other clinical cause, and if that is the case then medication would be the only thing that could help. If that happens to be the case for him, then simply dealing with the specific issues making him depressed may help to a degree, and may help temporarily, but he'll never completely get over it without dealing with the medical issue.

On the reverse side of the coin, if the issue are strictly emotional/mental and not at all due to any medical reasons, then medications likely won't help, or at least won't help enough without him dealing with the issues.`But, that is not really for you to determine. That is his task to figure out, preferably with the help of a trained professional who can help him develop the tools he needs to battle these demons and come out on top.

(Perhaps he needs to obtain the services of Sam and Dean Winchester. ...Cuz... .demons.... Get it? ....Yeah, that was pretty bad even for me. :-P I think I should go back to bed.)