Am I pretending to be happy in this relationship? I'm not even sure!

[krustykrab]

First, I'd just like to apologise in advance for getting carried away with how much I'm about to share.

I've lost count of the number of dates, hookups and flings I've had in the last few years, to the point I even developed a reputation among my friends as the guy who changes girls like underwear. In truth, all I've always wanted was a proper relationship with someone I could commit to, but bad luck has a way of finding me all the wrong girls.

I finally found a girl who wants what I want, and ever since the first day we started dating, we haven't spent a night apart. In just 6 weeks of dating, we pretty much already live together, her parents constantly make the effort to get to know me, and she'll be traveling overseas with my family and I next month. This is my first ever relationship, or at least the first girl that can be considered a "girlfriend" so I'm still not familiar with what I should expect. As much as she brings me a lot of happiness, there're a couple of issues that I can't seem to get over my head.

FINANCE
I'm very ambitious and am fairly successful for a 22 year old, being able to afford a Sportscar and support myself comfortably. However, she's a dropout from Uni and is unemployed due to her anxiety and depression which is somehow considered a medical condition to the point she gets a disability pension from the government. This also means that she's mostly broke, leaving me to pay for all the meals and most expenses. As much as I care about her, she's just my girlfriend not my wife. It frustrates me that I work my arse off at work all week, while she sits home and does nothing, and even spends what money she has on pointless things she likes, while she could be contributing financially too. I've reassured her several times that if she decides to get a part-time/casual job, she'll have my full support in every way, but she still insists that her psychiatrist doesn't recommend her working at all. Friends and family will always ask what someone's partner does for a living, and it's not the nicest thing to say when I have to tell them my girlfriend does absolutely nothing!

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
She's a gorgeous girl and I always reassure her of that, but she is somewhat overweight. I know this is a very controversial topic but I don't see anything wrong in wanting your partner to look their very best. Even despite working 10-11 hours a day, I still make time to go to the gym to keep myself physically healthy and attractive for her. She has very little motivation to do anything about her weight eventhough she has all the time in the world. This is affecting our sex life a little because it's hard to be content knowing that I'm more sexually attracted to most of my female friends than my own girlfriend.

MENTAL INSTABILITY
I've had my fair share of life experiences and I did suffer from suicidal depression in the past, but I eventually got out of it stronger and am always optimistic about life now. She's on a daily dose of anti-depressants, and gets the occasional moodswings where she cries for no apparent reason. It takes a lot out of me when I come home from a stressful day of work, and I end up having to be the one to cheer her up. I just wish she could be a happier person because it does bring me down at times too. I know it's not her fault but I don't know for sure if this will ever change in future.


Of course we do have our good times, she's got a good heart and she cares alot about me. It's just those 3 things that make me a little unhappy in this relationship whenever I think about them. I've spoken to my 2 best friends about this and I got 2 different opinions about this. Since this is still in the early stages of the relationship, one side says "Get out early while I can if I don't think she's the right one for me, and it will hurt less"; another side says "It's too soon to tell, and how would I know if I don't give this relationship a proper chance?".


I hope you guys will be able to see this from a neutral perspective because I do need some advice/opinions on this. What should I do? How should I handle this?
Thanks so much for reading!

[TablesandChairs]

If she's depressed enough to be on the DSP - which is not actually that easy to get - then expecting her to be Miss Fitness Oz is...stupid. Anti depressants make you gain weight; I was on them for anxiety and boy, did I bloat up like a puffer fish.

Anyway - this is her. Now, women have occasional mood swings even in the absence of a mental illness so I guess the fact that she cries for no reason every so often is probably not dissimilar to a woman who has PMS.

Depression is an illness - it's nature, duration, symptoms, degree of severity will vary from person to person. Difficult to predict what the future holds.

But if she's not meeting your expectations - then you're free to do what you need to do. You've dated around enough to know what's available to you out there.

[pcmaster]

So you are dating this fat, lazy, crazy chick who have good heart. Agree with TablesandChairs antidepressants makes you gain weight but it doesnt mean she cant go to gym with you to make it better. In my country you have to be depressed for half a year with medical treatment without improvements to get government pension but thats not even enough to survive and disability makes it harder to find a job. Part time job could be good for her and if it gets worse she could quit. Thing is her doctor dont want her to work because job can be stressful and get her even deeper in depression.

I think you don't owe her anything. You already showed her time of the day and she should be grateful for that. Of course if you believe in her and believe she can get better you can stick for longer but you are not married so no obligation to stay with her if you don't.
I suggest you give her some time to improve and if it don't happen in time you given to her then keep looking for other girls. If you dated so much that means you are good looking and theres shouldn't be problems for yo to find love. The fact that you even considered chick like that means you have good heart aswell. Jeez you are only 22 no need to settle for second best, have a whole life ahead of you.

[Boisdevie]

It's not working. So dump the lump.

[Wakeup]

So you are dating this fat, lazy, crazy chick who have good heart.

That sums it up pretty well.

Seems you had a lot of options. Why are you settling for someone who is so dependent and needy? Don't fall into the White Knight syndrome or the caretaker roll. It will soon get old and you'll feel you're stuck because you have become such a crutch/enabler to her and you'll mistakenly think that she can't live without you taking care of her due to her issues.

[krustykrab]

Wow, I honestly wasn't expecting all the responses to be about dumping her. I feel bad for making her sound so bad, I'm just so confused at the moment.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see over the next weeks and see how it goes.

[Wakeup]

You "guess" you'll just have to wait and see over the next weeks and see how it goes?" You think she's going to all of a sudden be the person you were hoping she was when you first me her and you were blinded to the true her by lust and infatuation? pffft.

You've discovered who she is by getting to know her over time. Don't be a white knight, settler who stays with someone they know is going to cause them to be a caretaker.

She's not changing anytime soon and she never will with you enabling her to be the "fat, lazy, and crazy chick that she is. She has zero reason to change when you accept her in her less-then-par state.

[fearoflove]

What are the chances of you getting someone better? No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. You have to consider things from all angles here. She sounds like a loser but a loser who cares about you. So, the value she is bringing to this relationship is love and companionship. She isn't likely to be bringing in high monetary and physical benefits. I know everyone wants it all. But not everyone gets it. You have to decide whether it is worth the risk of losing her for a chance to find someone better.

Is she so bad and you are so above her that you can find someone else who is better for sure? This depends on a lot of factors: the current "mating marketplace" at your specific location and luck. Maybe if you unhook this fish, you might be able to find someone better on a physical and/or monetary level but not be able to find someone who would love you or care for you as much as her. It makes sense to want someone on the same level but some people just don't have the luck.

If there is love, I think it is worth trying ways to motivate her than to just dump her right away.

[snoopy1983]

I think, from experience, that this girl is going to cause you a lot of problems in the long run.

I am a woman myself, so I don't 100% agree on love has to be perfect (or you have to have the perfect car or size), but I think she is not a healthy person and this will cause you a lot of pain in the future if you are a stable person. Yes, she is depressed (I don't know the underlying reason), but I'm not sure if sitting home all day without any interests taking anti-depressants is going to solve that problem. I think she'd be much happier taking on some work (or even other activities if she is really unable to work, that would at least be better than sitting at home all day, especially activities where she comes in contact with other people and makes friends). So I think that if you really love her, eventually you will have to put her in front of this choice or make a decision. There will always be an opportunity to find someone else who wants the same things that you do.

I don't believe "size" is the only factor that determines if sex is good. If you feel your sex life isn't good, than this is probably also due to the attraction not being built in a proper way or that you are not really in love with her. If you are really in love with her, it will not matter as much what she looks like, as there are other factors into play, and this attraction will come naturally. It sounds a little that you want to settle down just because you've had it trying out other partners, but that she is not the right person for you.

[derroa]

I have been in this situation so many times - and I am sure others can relate - where your relationship is absolutely amazing, except for that one little thing that's bugging you. IF only that little thing changed, it would be perfect.

Then we spend so much time trying to change the other person and get them to do that one little thing that's important to us.

We continue relationships thinking that we can get them to change that little thing.

And we often get disappointed.

The question you need to ask yourself is, do you want to be with this person exactly the way she is, or do you want to be with her for what she could be? Do you think that in the long run you will be able to accept and be ok with her depression and lack of motivation to get fit or is this a deal breaker?

The answer to these questions is the answer to your problem.

You need to think whether you are going to accept this situation unconditionally and be able to deal with it, or move on. Of course, you can offer her all the support you want, but remember that this doesn't mean she will change.

[Boisdevie]

OP clealy deserves something much better. After all, he does have a sportscar (gaspnof admiration here).

[Wakeup]

What are the chances of you getting someone better? No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. You have to consider things from all angles here. She sounds like a loser but a loser who cares about you. So, the value she is bringing to this relationship is love and companionship.

Now, FoLove... you know that "love" is NEVER enough to keep a relationship happy and functioning so that it lasts a LIFEtime. Companionship? Well he can get that from his platonic friends or a faithful black Labrador retrieve for fk sakes.

She isn't likely to be bringing in high monetary and physical benefits. I know everyone wants it all. But not everyone gets it. You have to decide whether it is worth the risk of losing her for a chance to find someone better.

Op: I don't even know you but from what you describe, I think we'll all agree (except perhaps someone who is having a psychotic episode, that you can do better then this.

Is she so bad and you are so above her that you can find someone else who is better for sure?

Yes, yes he is. Because anyone can do better then having to be the caretaker to someone who has mental issue (well, maynot not you, Fearoflove? But this Op certainly can.

This depends on a lot of factors: the current "mating marketplace" at your specific location and luck. Maybe if you unhook this fish, you might be able to find someone better on a physical and/or monetary level but not be able to find someone who would love you or care for you as much as her.

Sure you will be able to because you have realized, op, that you don't want to be someone's whipping boy as she goes in and out of her mental deficiencies.

It makes sense to want someone on the same level but some people just don't have the luck.

"Luck" has nothing to do with it. Having good personal boundaries will help you to find someone who doesn't need caretaking through life. That caretaking shit gets old fast once the honeymoon stage is over as you're finding out.

If there is love, I think it is worth trying ways to motivate her than to just dump her right away.

You can't change her. You only have the ability to change yourself. You can't "motivate" someone, they have to want to have goals and aspirations of their own that hopefully will be compatible to your own.

FearofLove has had much trouble finding someone that would accommodate her particular "ism" and that is why she is inclined to tell YOU to settle for less then what you deserve in a mate.

Any mother would tell her son to not settle for someone that is issued. Perhaps if FOL has a child one day she won't be so quick to encourage less then what her child deserves in life.

[jenniferaniston]

Hi krustykrab

It's better to just talk to someone and get your anger or sadness sorted out.Bottling up emotions is not good for your health. It might be a sign of strength initially but after doing it too long, it's a bad habit that is hard to break because you've convinced yourself that being a martyr or suffering is noble. It isn't; you deserve better. Ultimately, a strong person ceases to pretend. A lot of unhappy feelings come from feeling overwhelmed about all the things you have to get done. Thinking about them doesn't get them done, so try getting stuck into the things bothering you and in the doing, you will likely start to feel better.

[krustykrab]

Hi guys,

Thanks alot of for all the responses. Yea I do agree with you guys on most parts. I've even spoken to a few very close friends about it, and the advice I've been getting isn't very different from what I've been getting here.

To be downright honest, I'm not confident I'll be able to find someone new who could be more affectionate towards me than my current girlfriend. We've had our hurdles, but nothing has shaken how she feels about me at all.
I don't know how or why we planned a holiday together at such an early stage of the relationship, and we'll be flying overseas within the next few weeks (not a good time for a breakup!). I suppose I'm still somewhat convinced that if she wants to be with me that much, she'd be willing to change, I just need to sit down with her and get everything out of my chest. I guess everyone deserves a chance to change?

[Wakeup]

Hi guys,

Thanks alot of for all the responses. Yea I do agree with you guys on most parts. I've even spoken to a few very close friends about it, and the advice I've been getting isn't very different from what I've been getting here.

To be downright honest, I'm not confident I'll be able to find someone new who could be more affectionate towards me than my current girlfriend. We've had our hurdles, but nothing has shaken how she feels about me at all.
I don't know how or why we planned a holiday together at such an early stage of the relationship, and we'll be flying overseas within the next few weeks (not a good time for a breakup!). I suppose I'm still somewhat convinced that if she wants to be with me that much, she'd be willing to change, I just need to sit down with her and get everything out of my chest. I guess everyone deserves a chance to change?

Certainly everyone deserves a chance to change so talk to her and tell her everything you shared with us and if after giving her a chance to remedy she doesn't change a thing or she changes for a time but reverts back to her issued self then THAT IS YOUR CLUE TO GET AWAY FROM HER AND NOT SETTLE. Listen to the advise you've been given that is harder to hear then the fluff that you've been given that is easy and tells you what you want to hear. You came here because you're not happy and because your gut is telling you something...

She has mental issues that YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HELP HER FIX and... She will bring you down long before you'll EVER be able to raise her up. As you give her this "chance" ensure that your personal boundaries remain at their strongest and you keep your White Knight Syndrome at bay.