Cheat, Divorce or Sexless Marriage - it has come down to this....

[DH1968]

I'm new to the forum and I think this is more of venting on my part, but I do have a question at the end. So my wife and I have been married now for 15 years and we are both 45 years old. For many years we tried to have children, but unfortunately that didn't happen. It was a blow to both of us, but there wasn't much more that we could do about it. I will say that I love my wife and that she is my best friend. But at this point, that is all we really are. Just friends.

So we're both realizing that children were not in our future when my wife started to have unusual pain and bleeding. The end result was that she quickly had a hysterectomy. While doing that they found her womb, ovaries and bladder were covered in endometiosis. They removed as much as they could, but the end result is that she has residual pain and that sex is painful for her. Our last attempt at sex was painful to her and she started to cry within a few minutes and we stopped. That was over two years ago. Since that time we've talked about different things we can do, but my wife was never big on experimentation in this area and while we do talk nothing every materializes

I'm only 45 and not ready to be in a sexless relationship for life. So I thought that cheating might be the answer. I even went so far as to sign up on Ashley Madison and started talking to a few ladies who were in the same boat as me. One lady in particular has my attention. The email and conversations we had were very exciting to say the least. More exciting then I was expecting and we had a rendezvous for later this afternoon. I say had, because something unexpected happened overnight. I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep so I just watched the snow falling outside and thought about my clandestine meeting with this stranger. My wife lay sleeping next to me with her arm across my chest and I realized that I couldn't do this to her. Until that moment I didn't realize I had these morals and a line I wouldn't cross. Flirting online and actually going through with it were two entirely different things.

As I write this I'm also thinking my choices through. I do love my wife and I don't want to hurt her. Is no sex really a good reason to get divorced? I don't want to get a divorce. But without cheating or a divorce I just end up being in a very frustrating sexless marriage. This leaves me with a bunch of internal questions. Will my "morals" still be the same in another two years? Is it fair to her to be thinking about being with other women like this? How will she ever find another guy if she can't have sex? And on and on and on.....

I'm frustrated, confused and ultimately at a loss. As to my question, is there anyone else going through this and if so, what choices have you made?

[Wakeup]

First question:
Has your wife gone to her doctor to discuss the pain she is experiencing during intercourse? If she has not, why not.

Second question:
If your wife cannot or will not have sex or sexual intimacy with you (there are other things besides intercourse that will get you off.) then why not talk to her about you having her permission to have sex with other women. It will be interesting to see if she's selfish enough to deny you a sex life. Just because she doesn't want to doesn't mean that you should have to go without.

Third question:
Is my memory serving me well? I do believe you started this shit storm of a thread with this situation a while back?

[DH1968]

Not sure about the shit storm you're indicating as I just joined today. I didn't even know this forum existed until I searched for it earlier. Not trying to cause a storm on the forum. This is a marriage forum and figured this would be a good place to ask. If you want to PM me the link to that I'll go through it and see if it brings up some answers for me. I tried searching first but didn't find anything that seemed to fit right.

As to your questions, we have gone to a Dr and they given her creams to try and their advice was to use a thin dildo to stretch out the vagina. We tried, but that didn't work and the pain for here is still there.

As to your second question, I've asked if introducing a third person with us would be OK. Lets just say that didn't go over very well. She's Catholic and well, religion and all.

[Wakeup]

I didn't mean that you introduce a third into your sex life with your wife. She doesn't want to have sex period so that would be a useless thing to introduce her to. I meant that she allow you to have casual sexual hook ups (never the same person twice so that you don't bond with them). There are plenty of women who just want sex and nothing more who go home to their own frigid husbands to accommodate you.

Another question: Does she enjoy you giving her oral sex or masturbating?

"Catholic?" Then she should be talking to her priest or a psychiatrist about her inability to perform her wifely duties... No?

If she's not going to let you get your sex from another source then the least she can do is get the therapy she needs to over-come her current condition which sounds very much like "vaginismus"

[url=http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/guide/female-pain-during-sex]Female Pain During Sexual Intercourse: Causes & Treatments[/url]

If the creams or the small dildo recommendation isn't working then she needs to get herself back to the doctor for further evaluation and referrals if necessary. You're both too young to be allowing this to continue on unaddressed.

As for the other thread... I'll try to do a search for it... although it's really not worth it because it just turned into a shit storm about opening up vs not opening up their relationship to casual sex outside the marriage (for him... she was just frigid)

[DH1968]

Yeah, I know you didn't say that. I did. Judging by her reaction to it I'm pretty positive about the "other woman" suggestion as well.

You're right though in that another trip to the doctor might be in order. The cream and thin dildo thing didn't work, so maybe they have other options.

As to oral, we very much enjoyed that. But in her current situation she'd convinced herself mentally that everything below the waist, no matter what, is broken and useless. It's really a sad thing to see her talk about it.

Thanks

[basilandthyme]

As she's had a hysterectomy, you also have to add menopause side effects into the mix here. Without those hormones, her libido is likely to be suffering and there is also likely to be the added issue of dry vagina. Yes, things can indeed feel broken. Has she tried hormone replacement therapy? It can help the lost libido.

When I went through menopause, my libido and sexual response was also very much affected. I found that getting fit made a big difference. Is your wife fit and healthy? Does she eat and sleep well? These things can really help

[Wakeup]

Yeah, I know you didn't say that. I did. Judging by her reaction to it I'm pretty positive about the "other woman" suggestion as well.

You're right though in that another trip to the doctor might be in order. The cream and thin dildo thing didn't work, so maybe they have other options.

As to oral, we very much enjoyed that. But in her current situation she'd convinced herself mentally that everything below the waist, no matter what, is broken and useless. It's really a sad thing to see her talk about it.

Thanks

Sounds very much like she needs psycho-therapy to get over this. I would imagine that not being able to have children has a lot to do with her now not being able to enjoy sex.

Good luck. Hopefully she'll be open to getting therapy to overcome what very much appears to be a psychological block.

[michelle23]

I think you should try everything to overcome this issue together and do whatever is necessary to fix your sex life-doctor, counselor, sex therapist, even hypnotherapy.. marriage is about working together to get through whatever bumps in the road happen and patience/understanding is required..

Imagine if you needed your prostate or testicles removed and the situation was reversed. Should she just cheat or divorce you??

Forget cheating. It doesn't solve anything.. it will only cause more problems in the long run. Talk to your wife, tell her how you feel and suggest fixing this together even if it takes time..

If she refuses to try then I would suggest separation as you cannot fix this alone. It takes both of you

And none of this is her fault. She has been through a LOT. The pain of not being able to concieve, life changing operation that she needs to grieve after and come to terms with, loss of sex drive due to lack of hormones and pain/discomfort during sex as well as depression and now the added anxiety of a dis-satisfied husband who has basically asked permission to sleep with someone else.. how does she get out of bed in the morning?

Honestly I understand your frustration and I do empathize but I also think you have been a selfish bastard to betray your wife while she is going through so much. And planning to cheat/chatting online/arranging a hook up is just as bad as doing it IMO. Even though I am glad you changed your mind in the end..

anyway my point is relationships have ups and downs, good and bad times, dry spells with sex, the spark can fade but you work on it.. not turn your attention elsewhere

[vashti]

If I were your wife, and after exploring all other options, I truly felt I could not have sex, I would allow you to see prostitutes (if I wanted to stay married) or give you a divorce if I didn't.

I would NOT be happy about one night stands... too much risk of you becoming emotionally attached to someone else.

[DH1968]

And none of this is her fault. She has been through a LOT. The pain of not being able to concieve, life changing operation that she needs to grieve after and come to terms with, loss of sex drive due to lack of hormones and pain/discomfort during sex as well as depression and now the added anxiety of a dis-satisfied husband who has basically asked permission to sleep with someone else.. how does she get out of bed in the morning?

Honestly I understand your frustration and I do empathize but I also think you have been a selfish bastard to betray your wife while she is going through so much. And planning to cheat/chatting online/arranging a hook up is just as bad as doing it IMO. Even though I am glad you changed your mind in the end..

Just like your signature says, don't ask a question if you can't handle the answer! You are right, I am being a selfish bastard. That's been in the back of my brain as soon as I joined Ashley Madison. But, I am/was frustrated and just looking for a temporary out. Still a bastard though, even if I couldn't go through with it.

Just a note for clarification, she does not know I'm this frustrated. I know this is hard on her and beside the question of a threesome, which I passed off as a joke (albeit a very bad one) I've been there for her. That's why I thought cheating once in a while might be the answer.

So now I have to find a way to get her back to a doctor or therapist without a huge amount of drama. I think I'll keep this whole AM to myself though and take it to the grave. The more I think about it the more nothing good could come out of her knowing.

[michelle23]

It is a really difficult situation. I get that. Why not suggest marriage counselling and have that third person there to clarify your feelings if your afraid she will take it the wrong way or it will cause drama? A counsellor can help put things in words she understands and it may help you both understand each other better.. then once its all on the table, you can discuss compromises and solutions.

I wish you luck and I hope you find an answer that has a good outcome for both of you.

[basilandthyme]

No, you're not a selfish bastard. Your only mistake is in not discussing your needs with her. She does need to know how you're feeling. While sex may be the last thing on her mind right now, relationships do involve recognising each other's needs.

Why do you say that discussing the idea of looking for an answer to this problem together could cause a huge amount of drama? How have your conversations in the past gone down?

[DH1968]

Why do you say that discussing the idea of looking for an answer to this problem together could cause a huge amount of drama? How have your conversations in the past gone down?

I'm just going by previous discussions we've had on this. The last one had her bawling and saying that I was going to leave her. The time before that she became very angry stating it wasn't her fault, which I agreed with. It ended up being a big fight that went in every direction except what we started to talk about. Talking about it always ends up going in a very bad direction.

[woody]

I'm sorry your both going through this. This is a tough one to say the least. I'm sorry but I don't know what you can do about this. Therapy? Sure, might help..
Your poor lady, what a doozy series of events to take place. That's got to be hard on both of you.
I am stumped.
but you got allot of insight from others. Talk to her about it, get into some sessions, boost that woman's libido and try to remedy the pain; make her happy again.
If you and her do get into some sessions and the notion of ever having sex again is exhausted and she understands you have needs, I agree with hiring a pro; not some woman you met online through some dating site.
What I wonder about though is, what about her pleasures. Your wifes? I can't imagine a life without deep orgasm. I really feel for your lady and I hope you two find a way back into eachother in every way.... good luck to you and yours

[basilandthyme]

I'm just going by previous discussions we've had on this. The last one had her bawling and saying that I was going to leave her. The time before that she became very angry stating it wasn't her fault, which I agreed with. It ended up being a big fight that went in every direction except what we started to talk about. Talking about it always ends up going in a very bad direction.

Out of curiousity, what wording do you use when you raise this issue? You seem to be fairly sensitive, so I'm assuming you're not being a bastard to her...but I'm just wondering if we could tweak your wording a little.

If you are already doing this in the nicest possible way, then marriage counselling is the only way forward for the two of you.

Edited to add: what was her sex drive like before all these problems?