Should I get out while I am still young enough to meet someone else?

[abby1022]

I met my husband 4 years ago, we've been married for almost 3 years. We had kind of a shotgun wedding bc we found out I was pregnant. I'm 31 and he's 38. I agreed to marry him if he tried to further his career so that we could have weekends off together and have a better quality of life. He was a bartender and moved up to management. Since then he has had 6 jobs. I know the hospitality industry has high turnover, but we are never able to get ahead bc we have to keep filing unemployment.
Before and during our marriage there have been odd texts hes received from women and a few he accidentally sent me but meant to go to someone else, one saying "we can play tarzan and jane", another, "fuzzy pink handcuffs and crotchless panties". He swore these were between him and his buddy joking about something. Last summer I found several emails to women he knows on linkedin, one saying how he's so miserable being married to me and a few others with . I freaked everytime these things popped up, but I keep staying for our 2 year old. My husband is a great father and I feel like my son needs him. But I want more kids and the clock is ticking, so I am afraid between the job issues and the trust issues that I am wasting my time. Any advice? He denies ever cheating but I feel like there were so many weird instances, and now I wonder if he'll ever find a stable job.

[Wakeup]

I met my husband 4 years ago, we've been married for almost 3 years. We had kind of a shotgun wedding bc we found out I was pregnant. I'm 31 and he's 38. I agreed to marry him if he tried to further his career so that we could have weekends off together and have a better quality of life. He was a bartender and moved up to management. Since then he has had 6 jobs. I know the hospitality industry has high turnover, but we are never able to get ahead bc we have to keep filing unemployment.
Before and during our marriage there have been odd texts hes received from women and a few he accidentally sent me but meant to go to someone else, one saying "we can play tarzan and jane", another, "fuzzy pink handcuffs and crotchless panties". He swore these were between him and his buddy joking about something. Last summer I found several emails to women he knows on linkedin, one saying how he's so miserable being married to me and a few others with . I freaked everytime these things popped up, but I keep staying for our 2 year old. My husband is a great father and I feel like my son needs him. But I want more kids and the clock is ticking, so I am afraid between the job issues and the trust issues that I am wasting my time. Any advice? He denies ever cheating but I feel like there were so many weird instances, and now I wonder if he'll ever find a stable job.

Do you have a job? Could you afford another child should you and your husband break up? Could you afford another child if you don't? If you break up, your son will not lose a father... so don't use that you feel like your son needs him as an excuse to remain in something that you're not really happy in.

I think if you stay that you need to form some mutually agreed to relationship boundaries with him regarding his interaction with other women and if you can't do that together then a third party mediator (like a couples counsellor) would do your union a world of good.

Good luck.

[abby1022]

I do work, I've actually had the same job for 6 years which is what makes me even more frustrated that my husband has had so many jobs. I work from home and make ok money, so I could afford another child if we stay together, and could afford to go out on my own. The hardest thing is we don't fight besides the issues I explained, he is a good dad, helps around the house. I'm just not sure if I'll ever know if he cheated on me, if I can trust him, and if we will ever have a stable life.

[Wakeup]

I do work, I've actually had the same job for 6 years which is what makes me even more frustrated that my husband has had so many jobs. I work from home and make ok money, so I could afford another child if we stay together, and could afford to go out on my own. The hardest thing is we don't fight besides the issues I explained, he is a good dad, helps around the house. I'm just not sure if I'll ever know if he cheated on me, if I can trust him, and if we will ever have a stable life.

Then I repeat:

I think if you stay that you need to form some mutually agreed to relationship boundaries with him regarding his interaction with other women and if you can't do that together then a third party mediator (like a couples counsellor) would do your union a world of good.

If you don't then I think you can safely assume that, No, you will never have a "stable" life. You currently enable him to be who he is by supporting him and by continuously forgiving him for going back time and time again to his habit or addiction to chatting (or worse) with other women via the internet. Why would he change when he enjoys things the way they are... the way you enable?

YOU need to change how you handle this by being with strong personal boundaries and by not letting him cross them and if he does... then you need to end the pattern by leaving him. If you don't do that then you will just keep getting what you've always gotten so you best learn to be able to accept that this is all there is and be happy doing it.

[abby1022]

I think that my problem is that I forgive him because I never know for sure what the truth is since he always denies doing anything wrong. The LinkedIn issue I think made me realize there is a bigger problem and made me think back to all the texts that I forgave, and made me wonder if I was stupid to believe him. But I do agree either counseling or leaving are my options. But how will I ever know if he stops since he is doing it behind my back?

[Wakeup]

Well, both you and he will know that if he does it again it will be a deal breaker and the straw that breaks the camels back wherein you sever the relationship and get yourself a lawyer to figure out what your rights and obligations are.

Think about it: If he does it again knowing that it will cause the end of his marriage then he'll certainly being showing you how little he values your union.

You found out about the other times he's been doing it behind your back so you'll certainly find out again if he continues to do it.

- - - Updated - - -

Good Luck, Abby. I hope he's a smart man that will be up to helping you both get back the emotional connection.

[abby1022]

Thank you...I have an idea of where to start now and I really appreciate your advice and feedback

[Illusional]

have you ever tried asking him for the truth?


raverboy

[abby1022]

I have several times, he denies it every time. But he also knows its over if he tells me the truth. Just seems if something fishy happened many times then he has to be lying.

[michelle23]

You have only been married four years and these issues have been there throughout your whole relationship. This is who he is and you are not happy. Why are you settling? A relationship full of doubts and trust issues is my personal opinion of hell.

[bcgirl]

The utmost important thing is to have a stable environment for your child. Think about your childhood. How were your parents relationship? This plays a HUGE part in children's development and ultimately how they will become when they are adults and have families of their own.

Financial stability is important as we know because money issues is one of the main reasons for divorce. You already resent him for not being able to provide his family, think how much more you would resent him if you brought another child into the mix. Of course you can not change another person if they are unwilling to change for themselves and it's really quite hard for a 38 yr old to change the way he Views his finances.
As much as you are contemplating a divorce, I'm sure he is equally unhappy. You have even found proof that he sent to other women about his unhappy marriage. I'd say to go to couples therapy but I don't think you are in the position to be able to afford couples therapy. I would get a divorce now while you are still semi-young. Get your child at age 2 out of a toxic marriage before he starts to be able to understand mommy and daddy's fights.

[abby1022]

[MENTION=48120]bcgirl[/MENTION] that's the thing, we never fight except when those infedility issues come up or money issues. We actually get along really well. He still denies every cheating and swears that the Linkedin messages were bc we weren't talking when we had issues. We never really fight or argue especially in front of our child and actually are a good team as parents. That's why this is so difficult. If we fought a lot and he wasn't such a good dad I'd be long gone. But I am scared to be a single mom and have to miss seeing my kid when he has him. Its a very hard decision even with the trust and financial issues. And I want more kids so the idea of dating and finding a decent guy scares me.

[bcgirl]

Abby, the trust is broken between you two. You both should go through couples therapy to start repairing what has already been broken years ago when you had cheated on him. The building blocks for trust has to be honesty so he needs to open up and be completely honest to you and he needs to stop his lying and cheating and stop stashing nude photos of other girls. This will take lots of work on both your parts. As for the financial part, he's got to find the motivation in himself to want to make more money and more stable job. You can't do it for him. If he is unwilling, then you'll have to just come to terms with that and cope with it without resentment (easier said than done) but maybe it would mean you would have to step up and make more money to be able to have the lifestyle for your family that you want.

[abby1022]

[MENTION=48120]bcgirl[/MENTION] I think you may have combined my situation with another post also. I never cheated on my husband and there has never been nude photos involved. I've also thought about looking for a better paying job, but I make good money now which also allows me to work from home and avoid paying daycare fees. I'm not asking for a lavish lifestyle or huge house, just to be able to pay the bills and take a vacation once a year would be fine. I also don't want to leave a job I've been at for 6 years for an uncertain job starting at the bottom with all of this going on. I'm just trying to sort out whether it's stupid to stay in this marriage with the issues but with someone who is a good dad, or to go on my own and try to eventually find someone. My goal in life was to have a nice family and at 31 my time is ticking.

[bcgirl]

Abby, I did mix up your post with another. My apologies.
As women, we are naturally wired to want security. Security once upon a time when humans had it real rough was an abundance of food. The men that were able to provide that were the ones that mated and had offsprings. Survival of the fittest. In modern times, this equates to money. The more successful a man is, the more he is seen as secure/safe to provide a nice life for the woman and children. Even though in modern times, women are in the workforce and can almost do most things men can do... There is still a biological predisposition in women that wants safety and security. Struggling financially day after day, stressed about the unknown whether you are able to feed and cloth your babies is not stable/secure and safe. Most women in your shoes when having or thinking about having children will want their man to step up to the plate and "man up". But, we are living in survival of the fittest world and there needs to be a low class in order to have a high class. There needs to be the lazy, unmotivated, non-driven to make way for the over-achievers, power hungry, A-type personalities. Unfortunately you have married the under-achiever.

if you have already forgiven your husband for his flirty behaviours and he is a good father, then try to work in your relationship with open communication and honesty. He needs to win your trust back. You will just have to wait to see how this marriage turns out before even considering another child. You can very well divorce your husband, find the next guy that comes your way and then find yourself pregnant and have this whole scenario play out yet again.

Stay at your job, perhaps save up money slowly to upgrade your education at night/weekends. Seek the drive within yourself, maybe your husband will want to follow your determination.