What if my needs aren't compatible with my marriage?

[Wakeup]

He doesn't want to cheat - he was very clear about that. He thought my strap-on idea might work. Have the rest of you no ideas on how this desire can be met within the marriage? Now, if his wife is vanilla it could be a problem - but don't assume the only way forward must be cheating.

Getting his needs met doesn't mean that he has to look outside the marriage.

You mean getting his "wants" met doesn't mean that he has to look outside the marriage.

His desire to have sex with a man can also be met within the marriage by having a wife that is okay with having a MMF threesome. That would mean that SHE would be expected to give up the vow to forsake all others and share her husband when she didn't sign up for that. They could also resolve this within the marriage by him continuing to speak to his therapist about mind over matter. A strap-on will work to simulate the feeling of a penis... it will not work for to satiate his "urge" to be with a man though... the urge is what he needs to exercise his mind so that that urge no longer matters. If he does that, then he'll be honoring his decision to go mono with a woman when he married his wife.

Adding: ANYone that has had to quit smoking knows that you can do the mental work you need to do to get over the urge and the want to smoke.

[basilandthyme]

You mean getting his "wants" met doesn't mean that he has to look outside the marriage.

His desire to have sex with a man can also be met within the marriage by having a wife that is okay with having a MMF threesome. That would mean that SHE would be expected to give up the vow to forsake all others and share her husband when she didn't sign up for that. They could also resolve this within the marriage by him continuing to speak to his therapist about mind over matter. A strap-on will work to simulate the feeling of a penis... it will not work for to satiate his "urge" to be with a man though... the urge is what he needs to exercise his mind so that that urge no longer matters. If he does that, then he'll be honoring his decision to go mono with a woman when he married his wife.

Adding: ANYone that has had to quit smoking knows that you can do the mental work you need to do to get over the urge and the want to smoke.

You say a strap-on will not satisfy his urge to be with a man. As I said earlier, I have a friend who this DOES work for. While he'd like to experience the real thing, role play is sufficient for him. Yes, he's a sample of one - but he's proof that it *could* be a solution. Not saying that it *will be* a solution, but it's not as impossible as you're making out.

This person has talked about a MMF threesome and while the wife would be up for it, they decided that it's too risky and won't persue the idea. Being bi can be compatible with marriage and doesn't need to be swept under the carpet. Of course, whether or not to suggest a threesome would also depend on knowing how kinky one's partner is - and it's certainly not something which would be commonly taken on board in a marriage. However, it's not wrong to acknowledge one's feelings and discuss them with a partner with a goal of meeting everyone's needs.

As for exercising his mind so that the sexual urge no longer matters, how is this different to a gay person exercising away their same sex urges? Perhaps a lot of failed marriages where there was one gay partner would still be intact if they'd just controlled those pesky gay instincts. (sarcasm)

I also disagree that addiction to smoking can be compared to sexual orientation. One is substance based - the other is born that way.

[Wakeup]

You say a strap-on will not satisfy his urge to be with a man. As I said earlier, I have a friend who this DOES work for. While he'd like to experience the real thing, role play is sufficient for him. Yes, he's a sample of one - but he's proof that it *could* be a solution. Not saying that it *will be* a solution, but it's not as impossible as you're making out.

I'm not making it out to seem impossible. What I'm trying to make it (it being sex with a man) out as is unnecessary. It's not a need. It's a desire, a want that he chose to let go of when he decided to be in a monogamous, hetrosexual relationship with the woman he married. I'll assume that he told her that he was bi-sexual when they became a couple and discussed that he chose to be in a hetrosexual relationship with her which means he doesn't dwell on his want to be with a man and gets on with his life being with his woman.

This person has talked about a MMF threesome and while the wife would be up for it, they decided that it's too risky and won't persue the idea.

Yes... just mentioned it because it is a "solution" to satiating his wants and urges.... certainly not hers however I was simply answering to your "do you people not have any solutions to remedy within the marriage" (not verbatim)

Being bi can be compatible with marriage and doesn't need to be swept under the carpet.

Something of course he should have dealt with with his wife before they got married and before he chose someone that thinks MMF is too risky. He made a choice and now he has another to make which is to give up wanting to be with a man with the help of his therapist and carry on having a wonderful marriage to his woman who he enjoys a good sex life with or leave her and delve into something with someone who is more like himself and will be open to experimentation with both men and women or, talk her into doing something she is uncomfortable with and to which I'll once again assume was discussed before they married. If it wasn't, then I'd like to know why his being bi wasn't disclosed.

Of course, whether or not to suggest a threesome would also depend on knowing how kinky one's partner is - and it's certainly not something which would be commonly taken on board in a marriage. However, it's not wrong to acknowledge one's feelings and discuss them with a partner with a goal of meeting everyone's needs.

Well he's discussed his wants with his wife and she's not jiggy with him going outside the marriage and he's not either, really if they both think it's too risky.

He's a good candidate to continue on in therapy and work on getting over the urges to be with a man just like anyone who is contemplating wanting to be with another person then their monogamous partner would be a good candidate to get into personal therapy as well as couples therapy.

As for exercising his mind so that the sexual urge no longer matters, how is this different to a gay person exercising away their same sex urges? Perhaps a lot of failed marriages where there was one gay partner would still be intact if they'd just controlled those pesky gay instincts. (sarcasm)

Like you said, he's not gay. Like he said, he is in a good marriage which includes a satisfying hetro sex life which he chose to commit to.

I also disagree that addiction to smoking can be compared to sexual orientation. One is substance based - the other is born that way.

If they are gay, of course I can see your point. However; He's not gay and he's quite happy and satisfied with his marriage, his partner and the love making with her so it's definitely not the same thing as being gay and hating every moment in the marriage bed.

Anyway... good luck to you AND your wife, OP.

[bcgirl]

I think the OP is thinking about cheating on his wife with a man

[Wakeup]

Well, if he is then and he actually does, then he's given himself an excuse in that he was fulfilling a need.

I'm going to put the kybosh on that line of thinking though and continue to advise that you get therapy to help you overcome your desire, your want, your urge to experiment with a male. If after a while you still feel the same then leave the woman and seek out the man.

[woody]

oh f f sakes.

O.P,
Basil&Time has met this with the most compassion. I agree with the idea of role playing. Yet you are a bi sexual man and through this not being met it is sure to leave you feeling suspended even though you are in a good and loving relationship with your wife, this runs a little deeper than an average heterosexual couple feeling the pangs of attraction towards opposite gender folk now and then be them married or not.
You chose a woman, have a family with her.
But your bisexual. Of course starving one is going to affect you.

I must say, I applaud the open communication you and yours have.
I do not know what kind of advice to offer you.
I can only say keep the lines of communication open with your lady, keep her in the loop.

I would imagine all of us at some point in our marriages or unions meet someone at some point that we find interesting. What we do with that however is the true test of our individual character be it man to man, woman to woman or man to woman.

Keep therapy going with someone you get along with and isn't judgemental.

everything will be alright.

[bcgirl]

Should I feel sorry for the man I married because he doesn't know that I fantasize about me being a cheating addict? That in a perfect world I'd want to be with not just him, but at least 10 gorgeous guys with HUGE dicks? To tell you the truth, my husband found my forum of me saying this. Am I a WHORE? I wonder what I would think if the tables where turned.

[eve.ashley]

OK, i have dated bisexual men before and my current partner is bi.

first of all, let me say, you sound like a great guy, she is lucky, your wife.

now darling, you can't say my NEED is to sleep with other people, that is everyone's NEED, lol we all like someone else at some point, the whole point of a relationship is to not sleep with other people.

if your NEED to sleep with other people, is stronger than your NEED for your relationships, you need to break it off.

sorry, i find it silly that people are arguing over semantics.


you can, however, say, my need is to be acknowledged as a bisexual man.
which may include, but is not limited to:

guy on guy porn, anal toys for you not her, prostate play, pegging, role play in which she gets to be the guy and you girl...

or whatever else you might want and NEED sexually

same as any partner is responsible for meeting the emotional and sexual needs of their SO, your wife is too, providing that it doesn't make her very uncomfortable...

so, there will be some negotiation, as with every couple, but she cannot completely ignore half of your sexuality, that is neither loving nor healthy...

if she will do that, she should give you a free pass to sleep with men, but darling, that is a road to divorce, coz you seem romantically bisexual as well, and could fall in love with a guy and leave her...

a guy ready to be a girl for you sometimes, and honor your sexual needs the way she refused to...

so, wifey better get with the program...


i also agree, you seem to have a healthy marriage and good communication and, let me add, you are a guy with loads of integrity and character...

i think you and your wife will navigate this well, and meeting all of your needs will be fulfilling for both of you, and turn out a good thing...

aw, BTW, if you never slept with a man, if you were my husband, and you said you were absolutely curious to try, i would give you a free pass.

1 month of gay bar hook ups, only sex, no real names or phone numbers....

that's just me, and also coz when you see what's it like to be single again, you will appreciate your loving relationship more.

i would not feel good that you are bisexual and never will find out what sex with an actual man is like...

so you can ask about this, but understand also that she might say no, out of fear of losing you....

maybe then ask again in some time....

this is only if you never had sex with a man...

this is not for you to try and hurt her, or cheat...

this is you figuring out who you are...

it also does not have to be 4 weeks, it can be one or two guys, and one week, just so you don't idealize sex with men, or wonder what it is like...

no sex with a man you really like and know, that will unravel your current relationship, but seems like you already know that, and have a good head on your shoulders...

good luck and let me go back to reading this thread, it is very interesting...

ignore wakeup, she is nuts and doesn't understand that a bisexual person does not turn hetero in a "hetero relationship", or that a woman and a bi man is not a hetero relationship, since at least one of you is NOT hetero, lol

- - - Updated - - -

It's harder than it seems to find what you really Need versus what you just want. The more I go through this process, the more I think that one of my needs is to have sex with men.

darling, this is not a fair statement. we could all say the same after 15 years of marriage, whether we are bi or not...

again, if your need for other people is stronger than your need for your relationship, then you should be single...

you can try opening things up a bit, but again that is just postponing the disintegration of a relationship...or closing it back up...

can you imagine if your wife said, well my need is to sleep with other people...

doesn't sound too loving...

i am the first person that would want to give my partner freedom to sleep with other people, especially men, but i can't!

aw, lol, one last thing, jack, i found with my previous partners who were bisexual, that simply being acknowledged and accepted as a bisexual man, by his partner, was very satisfying.

what i mean is, the freedom that my partner had, to say, hot damn, when we see a gorgeous man, or my harmless jealousy if i notice some man is his type...

things like this made a huge difference to his relationship with women who expected him to chop would all day long, and never mention he has had sex with men, so to say...

BTW, my bf can totally chop would all day long, he just doesn't want to.

ok that's it, enjoy the beauty of your being...

[jak123]

I have to have posted 15 times to be able to send PMs, so I apologize for the spam. I haven't checked this thread since the last time I posted, and I was alerted to it today, so I'll be on later this week to give you all an update. Stuff has changed.

- - - Updated - - -

Well nevermind, it won't let me make posts. I understand why they wouldn't want me to make PMs if I'm new here, but if someone PMs me, I should be able to reply. Sigh.

To the person who PMd me, can you PM me your email or some other way to get you a message? Otherwise, once I get to 15 posts I'll reply.

[eve.ashley]

I have to have posted 15 times to be able to send PMs, so I apologize for the spam. I haven't checked this thread since the last time I posted, and I was alerted to it today, so I'll be on later this week to give you all an update. Stuff has changed.

- - - Updated - - -

Well nevermind, it won't let me make posts. I understand why they wouldn't want me to make PMs if I'm new here, but if someone PMs me, I should be able to reply. Sigh.

To the person who PMd me, can you PM me your email or some other way to get you a message? Otherwise, once I get to 15 posts I'll reply.

wait, changed for the good or bad?

[jak123]

Wouldn't you like to know?

Haha, just kidding, I'll explain it all when I have time to type it out.

[eve.ashley]

Wouldn't you like to know?

Haha, just kidding, I'll explain it all when I have time to type it out.

dude, lol, i'm dying to know...

hehe! what can i say, this hits really close to home for me.

[IndiReloaded]

According to your own statement, your wife meets your sexual needs; anything more is just a desire, NOT a "need".

I agree with Vash and Wakeup. Your situation is no different from any committed straight person. The fact you are bi has nothing to do with your decision to remain committed to your marriage (or not) except your menu options are potentially broader.

[jak123]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to post some of the items you all posted with my thoughts or clarifications.

And yes, him wanting to have sex with a man is just that, a "want". He's already getting sexual satisfaction from his wife, anything else is simply an "extra" he wants as a side dish.

This is not a relationship "need" though. It is a selfish desire that excludes his wife and goes directly against his vows to forsake all others.

it's a WANT not a need.

You're all right. In the 6 weeks I've had since I last posted, I have had a maturation of my understand of events and of myself, and I know that "I think I need to sleep with men" was my genitals talking.

His desire to have sex with a man can also be met within the marriage by having a wife that is okay with having a MMF threesome. A strap-on will work to simulate the feeling of a penis... it will not work for to satiate his "urge" to be with a man though...

You hit the nail on the head. It' won't satisfy my need because my need is not sex, my need is to be desired physically. But I'm getting ahead of my self.

My wife is vanilla. A threesome is not something she would be open to, and putting her in the position where she felt pressured to do that gives me the same stomach-turning feeling as cheating.

He doesn't want to cheat - he was very clear about that. He thought my strap-on idea might work. Have the rest of you no ideas on how this desire can be met within the marriage? Now, if his wife is vanilla it could be a problem - but don't assume the only way forward must be cheating.

Getting his needs met doesn't mean that he has to look outside the marriage.

The more I thought about it, the more I knew that she wouldn't be into strap ons or gender roleplay. She would sympathize with me but not be able to carry it out, and if she tried it wouldn't be exciting it would be awkard. But you're right that the only way forward need not be cheating. As I said before, one of few options that isn't on the table is cheating.

I'll assume that he told her that he was bi-sexual when they became a couple
Like you said, he's not gay. Like he said, he is in a good marriage which includes a satisfying hetro sex life which he chose to commit to.

If they are gay, of course I can see your point. However; He's not gay and he's quite happy and satisfied with his marriage, his partner and the love making with her so it's definitely not the same thing as being gay and hating every moment in the marriage bed.

I now understand that my sex life is not satisfying, that is the core issue. But again, getting ahead of myself.

I think the OP is thinking about cheating on his wife with a man

You my friend, have not read my OP close enough.

I'm going to put the kybosh on that line of thinking though and continue to advise that you get therapy to help you overcome your desire, your want, your urge to experiment with a male.

It's not experimentation. I have been with both genders before I was with my wife.

now darling, you can't say my NEED is to sleep with other people, that is everyone's NEED, lol we all like someone else at some point, the whole point of a relationship is to not sleep with other people.

if your NEED to sleep with other people, is stronger than your NEED for your relationships, you need to break it off.

Yep.

darling, this is not a fair statement. we could all say the same after 15 years of marriage, whether we are bi or not...

can you imagine if your wife said, well my need is to sleep with other people...

doesn't sound too loving...

Yep.


So, in the 6 weeks since my OP, I realized that my Need wasn't to sleep with men. That was just my libido talking. My Need, the thing that I'm not getting, is to be desired physically. My sex life is not as good as I thought it was. My wife and I have a long-standing arrangement that I thought met my needs, and maybe it did. But in the last year I've lost over 80 pounds through diet and exercise, and it has done wonders for my confidence and my libido. That set the stage for me to no longer be satisfied with the amount of physical attention I am getting, and the final straw was starting to think about my needs. It led me to realize that I have been putting the needs of others before mine for so long that I didn't even know what my needs were anymore.

My wife is at the tail-end of tax season and working 60-hour weeks, and so it's not the right time to bring it up to her. We've talked and she knows that something big is going on with me, and once tax season is done we are going to sit down and I'll tell her everything. I've written and rewritten how I will explain it to her, and have scratched multiple approaches because they were me-centric instead of us-centric. I am determined to get my needs met, but I want her and I to come up with solutions together.

Thoughts?

[eve.ashley]

i've got nothing i can work a strap on, like a pro.

kidding. kidding about having nothing.

so, she doesn't want to be kinky, but she doesn't want to divorce and neither do you?

hmmm...

you guys have to open the relationship up then, i see no other way.

anyone else?

is she sure she isn't a bit kinky?

she doesn't have to start with pegging....there is so much kinky, sexy stuff...

i'm being silly if she was kinky it would come up in 15 years....

so you guys are opening thing up?

wow, huge step!

*rocky 5 soundtrack music* me singing *go for it*