Steps to take when you suspect cheating

[Quest30]

I had a woman call me from my boyfriend's phone wanting to know why I was in contact with her fiance. She said they've been dating for 4 months and were engaged during Feb. She said his family is well aware of it. She wanted to know if I were having sex with him before she threw a fit at him. I told her that since she was going to confess to finding me in his phone then she was welcome to stay on the phone with me as she confronted him. She said she had to go and would call me back.

I asked one of my boyfriend's friends who this woman was and she said that it is one of the many women that he is sleeping with. She said that she is silly to think he is going to settle down with her because he wasn't going to leave me or any of the other women alone. She added that he even had a pregnant woman.

When I spoke to my boyfriend about the woman that called, he said it's someone he has been friends with since he was a kid. He said he hung out with her and forgot his phone at her house. He said he was at work when she called me, not in her bed. When he picked up his phone - he had messages from a lot of people that she had contacted. He said that what she did was unacceptable and he ended the friendship with her.

I haven't said anything to him about what his friend said yet. I don't know her well enough, she asked me not to tell him where the information came from, she is a hard drug addict & she speaks a lot about people being jealous of her and my boyfriend's friendship. ?

[basilandthyme]

Oh, how awful for you.

For the sake of argument, let's pretend that he isn't engaged to her and that this whole thing was a lie she's concocted. How then would you explain the fact that your boyfriend's mate told you that he's sleeping with a number of other women?

Does your boyfriend have a lot of unexplained absenses? How often do you see him? Has he told you that he's exclusively with you?

[Wakeup]

How long have you been with this guy?

[Quest30]

Oh, how awful for you.

For the sake of argument, let's pretend that he isn't engaged to her and that this whole thing was a lie she's concocted. How then would you explain the fact that your boyfriend's mate told you that he's sleeping with a number of other women?

Does your boyfriend have a lot of unexplained absenses? How often do you see him? Has he told you that he's exclusively with you?

I dont have an answer for that.

We work different shifts and yes we are supposed to be exclusive. Ive been with him for 4 years

[basilandthyme]

So, he does have time to be philandering- this is worrying. As is not being able to explain why his mate said that your guy is sleeping around.

The the code of mateship should dictate that the mate keeps your guy's secrets. So either the mate is really fed up with your guy's behaviour or he's being subversive and trying to break you up. Have you had any problems with the mate before?

For what it's worth - between this woman's call, your opposite shifts, your boyfriend having been at her house and a mate saying he's sleeping around, I'd be laying my money on him being a cheater. But I'm giving the other options to help you sift through all the 'what ifs' while you get your head around it.

[Quest30]

His mate hasn't personally caused me problems but she has caused his family problem. It was something she did that left his sister hurt and disgusted and no longer welcomed them in her house.

I think it is natural to not want to believe the worse.

The mate always speaks on how jealous people are of her friendship with my boyfriend. She is also a fiend to cocaine powder. I don't know if that matters

[basilandthyme]

ooohh, the mate is female....that completely changes the dynamic of 'mateship'. And on cocaine and possibly unstable.

Does your boyfriend have many unsavoury friends?

I still don't know what to tell you about cheating, but his friendship choices seem dubious to say the least.

[roku1]

What I've learned in life, in relation to this is:

1) If you want a straight up answer, ask a straight up question... don't beat about the bush; hit the nail on the head and gauge reaction, if the other person is spouting a load of BS it's often quite easy to spot.

2) Drugs make people craaaaazy!! I have known people into all sorts of recreational drug use, from pot heads (from my student days) through to hard-drug users (though they were never 'friends' per se). You can't trust nor believe these 'hard drug' addicts, rationality is not a constant. I would err on the side of caution when evaluation any facts learnt from a person who is actively 'using'!

As for the cheating malarkey, my call would be to go with option 1 and then follow up with what his other 'friend' said.

Crappy situation, sorry but good luck!!

[bcgirl]

Why does your be have all these girlfriends anyways?