What now?

[Troy]

So my ex gf and I dated for about 2 years and broke up about 2 months ago. I initiated the break up rashly then regretted it immediately and wanted her back but she didn't. I'm only in town on weekends and move back for good in May so she said she wanted to wait til then to try again and see how she feels then. She just didn't want a relationship right now. We still frequently talk and she's been initiating texts more frequently so I decided to ask her if she wanted to meet up.

Last night we met up for drinks at a bar that was suppose to be one drink but lasted about 2 and a half hours. Things went really well and casual for the most part. She asked about my dating life and I said good and she gave the same reply. At first things were more like friends and she didn't seem all there, maybe a little disinterested?, but as the night progressed we became closer to where we had playful touching and got closer to one another. Towards the end she gave me looks like she use to and asked what I was doing after drinks then she started to speak but stopped. She asked me to walk her to her car where she hugged me tightly for half a minute or so then we said our goodbyes and left.

It was really more friendly at first but became more like a date towards the end and she even mentioned that it looked like we were on a date at the end. I don't know exactly how she perceived it though and don't want to scare her off so from here I'm sort of wondering where do I go? Should I take it as a date or a friendly meeting? For the next 6 weeks I'm only in town on weekends so it's not like I can really push things too fast, but next weekend should I try to get her to meet up again or should I let her decide if things progress?

[basilandthyme]

Troy at this point you need to ask her how she feels about getting back together. If she says that she's open to the idea, then make a plan together on how to move forward.

If she says that she's happy dating and has no intention of trying again, you need to respect that and walk away.

[Troy]

I was mostly the reason for the break up, and she thought I didn't care about making us work towards the end. I don't want to be too forward and pushy and she's told me she wanted to take it slow whenever we started again. I just sort of want to know where anyone thinks she's at personally right now and how I should proceed

[basilandthyme]

Last time you had a conversation about this, she said that if she was to get back together she didn't want to do it until May when you return and then see how she feels.

If you don't want to start a new conversation, then you must work on the idea that ^^^ this is what she wants. Thing is, one post breakup get together doesn't give enough information to make any other conclusions.

[Troy]

Well May was more of the cut off point to where if it hadn't happened yet it would. She said she wanted it to be organic didn't really give specifics on the actual time. So I don't know what to really make of this "date" and don't know how forward I should be in trying to go on another one. So that's sort of where I'm at right now.

[basilandthyme]

I'd ask her if she wants another date. If she says yes, then that's great. If she says no, then accept it graciously.

[Troy]

So I asked her if she wanted to get drinks but she couldn't really do that when I was available so she asked if I wanted to help her study instead, which I agreed to. Based on our last encounter and her willingness to see me again does this seem to be heading in a positive direction for getting her back or does it seem like she sees this more as friends?

[hunterprincess]

I would set up a group thing, like getting a group together of friends to go bowling, mini golfing,etc. I have been in the situation of being dumped and getting back together with the guy, since he dumped me, I didn't trust him to stay when and if things got rough again, I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just something to think about. I think that you should take things from square one, get to know her again and date her all over again. Start with friends, I wouldn't ask too much, but I would definitely make and effort to hang out with each other.

[Troy]

I definitely think she has her guard up with me. During the break up she said a lot of things about me not truly caring for her and not having the same commitment for us as she did, I was admittedly withholding towards the end, and only wanting to be with her physically, which I can't really believe she thought. I think the longer the time that's past since the break up the more she will see I genuinely I want to be with her, and I am committed to making this work. She use to talk about our future together and genuinely thought we would last so I believe in her heart she wants this but her head doesn't know of it is ready to trust me again. She can be a bit proud; so I think us being together around her friends right now might rush things a bit because it would seem to her she is admitting she made a mistake. But as a woman based on the knowledge of how our last date went and some of our history and her willingness to see me, where do you think I stand right now in her mind? Do you think this is her gradually giving me another chance?

[Wakeup]

I was mostly the reason for the break up, and she thought I didn't care about making us work towards the end. I don't want to be too forward and pushy and she's told me she wanted to take it slow whenever we started again. I just sort of want to know where anyone thinks she's at personally right now and how I should proceed

I think you should continue to stay single and not try and push her into anything until May like she said. You can shoot her a text telling her that you enjoyed the evening together and then get on with your life and dating until May. If she's wanting you back, then give her the prerogative to change her mind about waiting until May and allow her to contact you next.

Of course, you'll probably not do that (unless you have the tools to squelch a need for instant gratification) but I think it's in your best interests to do that. At least give it a bit of time before you push her with dialogues of reconciling when she's already told you not till at least May.

[Troy]

I don't plan on pushing her one way or the other when we hang out, if something happens, it happens. If not, I believe I'm going in the right direction. I plan on allowing her to control the speed of things. I didn't really push to see her last weekend she was off work one night, she usually works nights, and she told me it was originally because of plans with me so I told her we still could hangout if she wanted and we did.

I didn't really push her this weekend either, I asked if she wanted to get drinks, because she sort of brought it up, and then she told me what she had going on then I told her it's ok if you're too busy. She then offered the option of helping her study instead which I agreed to.

I may have worded it wrong in the original post but May wasn't the end all date to start things up, it was more of a deadline to where if things hadn't happened we'd try and see how we felt. That's why I'm wondering if this is sort of her signaling she's ready to entertain the idea or not?

She's also said she wants to take things slow like we're first starting out so that's why I don't want to ask her if she's ready for a relationship again because I think that would turn her off to anything.

[basilandthyme]

How about this idea: just chill out. It's either going to happen or it's not - but trying to analyse what's going on isn't going to help matters. If anything, it will only make you anxious and second guess everything - and this will show through as desperation (no matter how hard you try to hide it).

She needs to want to just go with the flow. So follow what she needs.

All that being said, we're only giving guesses. The only person who actually knows what she's thinking is the girl herself.

[Troy]

I just think it is theupeutic to say everything I'm thinking here to even myself out. I'm not this way in public or around her. I appreciate all the responses I do want a quick fix but I know that's not realistic. I just thought maybe if I gave you some insight you could have an idea what she's thinking because I honestly have no idea.

[Wakeup]

You want to know where she's at right now and how you should proceed? You're going to do what you are jonesing to do ~ it's human nature it seems to go after our goals so just do what you feel is what you should be doing and let the chips fall where they may. After all, if she actually wants to be with you, she will be and she won't let any "strategy" sway her to you or away from you... She, like you will just head towards achieving her goal if you've been clear that you're willing to help her achieve it.

When is the last time you talked to her and who initiated that communication you or her? You MUST for your own emotional health make sure that YOU are not always the one doing the initiating. If she's not dancing with you then you should think about getting yourself another dance partner.

Keep in mind that words and actions need to match and if they are not, then you should be cognizant that words without action backing them up as truths, are just words.

Good luck... keep us updated.

[HadleyK]

sounds to me like she wanted to hook up but not really get back with you