He can be so mean to me, is the hurt and feeling worthless worth staying?

[hunterprincess]

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years, he actually started living with my parents and me not even three months into the relationship. The relationship has never been easy, but especially since we moved into a house with three other roommates I have been feeling trapped in the relationship. It has gotten to the point when he calls me that he is off work I dread him coming home, because I know he will be mean to me. Today for instance, I was using my wireless keyboard to type up a midterm essay, he usually uses it for gaming. When I said I needed it he got mad yelled and stormed out of room. When he came back in and I told him I was upset he said "he didn't ****ing care and I need to get over it." Lately his response to when I say I have something I am upset about is "I don't care," or whatever," or "get over it." We just moved less than a month ago, so I expect some growing pains especially because he is frustrated. Though I know it doesn't make it okay for him to be mean to me. I know this sounds petty. I just don't know what to do. I tried to tell him the other day that I feel like he doesn't find me attractive any more and he says that I have so many insecuritis in my head that there isn't even a point in trying to compliment me or make an effort. We are 22 years old and he never wants to have sex and when we do I have to beg him to do something to make me feel good during. When we are as young as we are and my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me I can't help but feel like he doesn't find me attractive, hell half of the time all he talks about is me getting a boob job someday. I know my relationship sounds awful, but he has been with me during a severe depression tailspin when I went practically comatose for 3 months and helped me start working through an eating disorder. He is the first person that hasn't left me. I just think he has become complacent in the relationship and thinks he can treat me like crap, but I will never leave him. Thoughts? Advice?

[TablesandChairs]

I'm not sure what advice can be given, since you insist you're never going to leave him.

I get that he stuck by you through some shitty times...but the way he treats you is pretty gross - actually, it's abusive. Now, if you said your had kids and a mortgage, I'd understand your hesitation...but you're 22, in college...why you would accept this, in my view, comes down to your lack of self worth and low self-esteem.

How can you change him? You can't. He knows he's being an arsehole to you.

[hunterprincess]

I agree that myself worth and self esteem issues are an issue. The relationship wasn't always like this, it just seems like he has more self confidence issues than me and I think he is super insecure. I am not making excuses for him, though it sure sounds like it. I am just trying to see what options are out there save breaking up.

[pcmaster]

You need some time apart. It could strengthen your relationship. Seems like its got worse since you moved in together. Maybe you shouldn't live together.

[hunterprincess]

If only it were that simple. Thank you for posting. We have essentially lived together 24 months out of a 27 month relationship. When he was living with my mom, step dad and me he didn't have to worry about bills. When we moved into our first place out of parents, his roommate moved out. We lived there for 6 months. His dad bought him and his sister a house. We now live with 3 other roommates and 2 dogs, including his sister and her fiance. My boyfriend is a mechanical engineer student taking 17 units and working 40 ours a week. I work about 20-25 hours a week and I am taking 15 units. We have a lot on our plates. He is gone all day Monday and Wednesday, while I am gone all day Tuesday and Thursday. Friday through Sunday we work opposite schedules, I open he closes.

[pcmaster]

Maybe hes just depressed and thinks your life is much easier and you worry about little things while hes dealing with big problems on his own and want you to do the same.

[hunterprincess]

In all honesty, he has a lot more on his plate than I could ever handle. He tells me that my problems are his problems and his are his. Though I rarely tell him my problems, because he either tries to parent me or be little me, at least that's how I feel. I have one rule I will do all the house stuff, just don't criticize me. Yeah it sucks doing the laundry, cooking, dishes and anything cleaning related with no help, but I do it because it makes his life easier and I don't have to wait with baited breath for over a month for something to get done. All of his free time, he spends playing video games. It's hard for me because I do the best I can and its never good enough, I always forget to do something or didn't finish it before he gets home. When we first moved in to the place we are living now, less than a month ago, he yelled at me for unpacking my things and not his.

[pcmaster]

Well video games don't do good for him. Thats where much stress and ignorance comes from. In his free time he lives as a kid. Hes used that everything is done for him. But you are not his mother and you are not married. Maybe you should give him break from it so he can learn appreciate what you did.

[dontaskme]

Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you like walking on eggshells? If you answered YES to both questions, then stay with the jerky piece of shit boyfriend of yours. You complement each other.

[dickriculous]

I just think he has become complacent in the relationship and thinks he can treat me like crap, but I will never leave him.

The second part of this sentence is exactly why the first part of this sentence is happening. Your total lack of willingness to walk away dooms you to being taken for granted.

I'm generally against being high maintenance beyond a certain threshold but up to that threshold your bf has to know that he can lose you if he treats you poorly.

To address your later question about what your options are other than breaking up...keep letting yourself be abused. That's it, those are your two options. Sorry but this relationship is beyond salvation, nor does it deserve salvation.

Moreover he needs a wakeup call. Hopefully you leaving him would be an indicator that he just can't treat people like this and expect anything good to come of it. If so then it would steer him a step in the right direction toward personal growth.

[hunterprincess]

I never really thought of it that way, I just saw as him blowing off steam and relaxing. Like I do by going for a run, reading a good book, or watching a movie. I would just stop cleaning and doing everything, I know it's not my job to mother him and I never saw cleaning and cooking as mothering, but for some reason I cannot stand a mess these days. My boyfriend will say he will dol something and three weeks later it's not done and I take the heat for it from either the person he told or he forgot he said he would do it and get cranky with me.

[dontaskme]

He is an abuser and you like being abused. You give one excuse after another to defend this douchebag. Stay with him. You deserve him.

[hunterprincess]

I 'hear' what you are saying. One of my fallacies, is that I give someone "a million second chances." It is not that I refuse to leave him or am afraid to, I just see the relationship potential and I don't want to throw away a good thing. Has the banana started to rot or is it just bruised?

[dontaskme]

Most poster posting on this forum think like you, that their "present" love is "the one", and that they can save their "love ones" from all their troubles and problems. Guess what? Sometimes you can't and the best you can do for yourself is to walk away from a "bruised" or "rotten" banana.

Why settle for a shitty banana when you can get a perfect yellow one?

[Wakeup]

Why DO you stay with him. What awesomeness does he bring you that keeps you there taking his disrespect, his indifference, his apathy, his lack of empathy, his selfishness, his depression, (yes he's depressed), his lack of wanting to change?

It's clear why he stays and that's because he's getting his meals made, his clothes washed, his home kept tidy and he gets to abuse you which you make seem less despicable to yourself by describing it as "blowing off steam."

Hunter, you are horrendously codependent to the point that you trivialize his verbal abuse so that it gives you less reason to have to sever the relationship.

Did you have an upbringing by an alcoholic or drug addicted parent or one with mental issues? Were you forced to be a caretaker (which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiver) to an adult when you were a child? It seems you're still doing that and you're doing it to the point that you've lost all ability to be you and have now just become an extension of him and how you can please him instead of living a full life filled with things and people that make an already happy, independent you stay that way.

I think you'd do well to read the following link so that you realize how important personal boundaries are to your self-worth. Right now you allow him to cross all of the personal boundaries that someone who loves themselves have in place.

[url=http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html]Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish Them[/url]

If you're not going to leave him then you better learn and maintain your personal boundaries so that he's well aware that you will not tolerate disrespect and all of the other ill ways he coincides with you won't be bounced off you anymore either.

You would do well to also read all you can on "condependency" and therefore learn what ails you. Once you know what ya got, then you can take the necessary steps you need to take to overcome it.
Here's a link to codependency information. Google it and "the importance of personal boundaries" get reading if you're not going leave because you need to regain yourself back from this turd you're addicted to.

[url=http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/what_is_coda-really.htm]What is Codependency, Really? Online Counseling Therapy for Codependency with a Licensed Therapist[/url]

Good luck. You may also get benefit from anything written by Melody Beatie who writes the bible on codependency and how to overcome.

Good luck.