Need Advice

[jcc1234]

I'm not sure where to start..... Some background I guess. I'm 28, married 1.5 years and have a baby on the way. I have been with my wife for about 6 years. We were attracted towards each other and we're good friends. Things have gone downhill since marriage. By downhill I mean limited taking to each other and physical activity. Have been working at my current job for 5 years and love working there. I am considered the "popular/go to" guy in the office and a lot of people look up to me (I feel like a douche saying that, but it's true) and have me make most of the social events.*

My dilemma is love... and not with my wife. I fell in love with a coworker over the course of a few years. We immediately hit it off and a strong connection has been developed over the past few years. We both make each other laugh, stare into each other's eyes and have that intangible factor. I am unbelievably attracted to her and think about her A LOT. Although we have had a strong connection over the years, I tend to take breaks speaking to her due to depression I have given my current situation (feeling empty, bad, sad and knowing it can't go anywhere). I am almost positive that she knows that I have very strong feelings for her just by the way we speak and I look at her (I hit on her occasionally just to hammer home the point).*

The twist: Not only am I in love with someone other than my wife, she has a boyfriend. On top of this, another friend of mine, who is also a coworker and her friend, basically said he had feelings for her too. He told her recently and it didn't really go to we'll for him I think. I have tried to keep it cordial with her and tried to set up dinner dates with me, my wife, her and her boyfriend but she keeps blowing me off even though we are close at work.*

My problem is that I have gotten to a point in my life where I don't want to live with regret and be happy. I am miserable most of the day even though I act carefree/happy and I enjoy my job. This is because of my rocky marriage and my feelings for someone I work with.

I need advice. I am considering just telling her how I fell and leaving my job just because I can't deal with the emotions.*

[basilandthyme]

I think that leaving your job is actually a very good idea. Not only leave your job, but stop all contact with her. Then, work on your marriage and give your child and wife the best future you can.

Give marriage counselling a try.

[Wakeup]

Do you know what you do when you find yourself crushing on someone when you're already in a committed union? You DON'T HANG OUT WITH THEM. Not only that, you don't have anything to do with them that is not professional and worked related.

Obviously this chick is putting out inappropriate vibes to members of the opposite sex if guys are falling all over themselves to be hers. Stop being her sap.

Put the focus that you give this chippie onto your wife and perhaps you'll get back what you invest.

Start rehabbing from this crush tomorrow and help yourself through the withdrawl by taking your wife out to dinner and flirting with her as if she were someone you worked with.

[TheEvilJester]

You are married. Not only that, she has a boyfriend. I don't think that situation could scream DO NOT PROCEED any more obviously.

I think you need to distance yourself from this woman. Do you leave your job? Maybe, maybe not. You have a child on the way, so I kind of lean towards saying no, you should not leave your job. Honestly, I am personally of the opinion that you should pretty much never leave your job until you have another one, unless there really are some specific circumstances where it really would not be in your best interest NOT to leave. I would not consider this a circumstance where you should just up and leave your job without having another lined up. At least unless maybe you work too closely with this gal to be able to successfully avoid her for the most part.

Now, as for your love situation, you need to do some serious soul searching and see if you can determine exactly why you and your wife are no longer getting along so well. Is it due to things that are fixable? If there is even a possibility they are fixable, then you owe it to your wife, you owe it to your soon to be child, and you even owe it to yourself to try to fix them. Do not just throw away a real relationship and your newly forming family because you don't even want to put in some effort to try. You could try only to learn that you two really just are not meant to be together. Then, that is fine. At least you tried.

If the things that have made you grow apart are not fixable, then it would be best to end the marriage. Preferably as amicably as possible. Yes, it would be valiant to try to stay together so the wee one can have a happy family. The thing is, if you two are NOT happy together, then a child would be much better off with two parents who are happy but no longer together than two parents who are together, but absolutely miserable.

So, you need to seriously decide if your problems as a couple can be fixed. If they honestly cannot, or you try and it just doesn't work, then end your marriage, sure. But, even then I would highly recommend you do not pursue this other woman, or anybody yet. You need to take time to heal, learn to be yourself again, contemplate what you may have done wrong and what your wife may have done wrong and how you can avoid that in a future relationship, etc. If we do not learn from our past, we are doomed to repeat it.

Good luck to you. I don't mean my advice to come off harsh, so I hope it did not. I understand it isn't like you asked to fall out a bit with your wife, nor did you ask to suddenly develop such feelings for somebody else. It's just that it is pretty clear what the right thing is to do here. I hope you figure all of this out and are able to find your happiness.

[jcc1234]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I'm not sure what I'll do yet and it's driving me crazy. But I do appreciate your responses.

[TablesandChairs]

Your option is to divorce your wife, plan out some sort of settlement and make arrangements for your child - who she/she lives with, how much $ is payable, visitation times and so forth. This can take some time (and money) if you don't do it cordially. But that's life.

At which point, you'll be free to pursue this work colleague...who has a boyfriend. Obviously the risk is that while she might not mind some office flirtation/attention, she's not going to leave her partner. But that's the chance you have to take.

[jcc1234]

To everyone responding I appreciate it; however I don't feel like quitting is the best scenario right now since I have a little one on the way. I have kept my distance and it has made everything awkward.

[woody]

Well everyones stated it all in a nutshell so i'll just add this.

If this office woman is giving off the come hither vibes (which I assure you, to some degree she is because your picking up on it), well then, your not the only one she's giving it off to and if she is a o.tt flirt/cheater in training, she'll always be a o.t.t flirt/ cheater. If she flirts with other men while having a boyfriend, it's in her to do so..

Place space, gain perspective.
Baby en route is your priority now.
Sorry you lost some za za zoom with your wife. Could be just a stage. Could just be the old 7 year itch.
There's always going to be candy around, always. Protect your self. Protect your Family

[eve.ashley]

ok. let's break this down.

if you do not love your wife. that means you have to divorce her.
that's actually one of those obvious deal breakers.

living in a loveless marriage and being a miserable, unhappy guy will not be good for your kids.
it is far more damaging for the kids than people want to admit.

this martyr way of staying together for the kids.

kids do not need martyrs, but happy, well adjusted paretns, step paretns etc...

now whether it's going to make you popular, if you leave a pregnant wife, no.
whether you should care what people think, and will it make a bad man, no.

you can also wait and do it after she has had the baby, but if i wanted out of a loveless marriage, i would go even pregnant.

about staying away from your loved one. well if you loved them both. your wife and your co worker, and they both were decent people and loved you back, i'd say pick your wife.

always pick your current partner in such situation.

if you loved them both and one of them was a decent person and the other was abusive, i'd say pick the healthy, decent person....

etc etc...

but i'm not sure why we are even discussing your loved one, she has little to do with the fact that you are in a loveless, which makes it a, bad marriage.

if you are dude, only you know if you still love her or not.

you are a human being and deserve love and happiness as much as your kids do...

most martyrs who stay in bad marriages for the kids end up worse paretns than they would have been if they divorced and perused their own happiness and well being together with their kids...

if and when you are divorced you are then free to peruse or not your loved one.

she might love you back or not, but that is a bridge you will cross when you get to it...

right now you have to deal with the issues that you made a person into a loveless, unhappy marriage, and that it's not a healthy set up for anyone, least of all the kids...

good luck.

i am not telling you to divorce, at all, i am saying forget about the girl you love, analyze you marriage and see if you still love your wife, regardless of the new love. if not get out, if do, quit your job and stay away from the other girl.

i mean you know what to do here, you have know them both for around 5 years.

simply make it clear to yourself that staying in a loveless marriage for the kid is not very constructive or healthy.

also, not divorcing and staying coz your loved one might reject you is not constructive...

you got to give yourself a chance to be a happy man, otherwise what is the point of living.

and how can a deeply unhappy man be a good dad?

[Wakeup]

Op: You have "distanced" yourself how? Please explain what your definition of "distancing yourself" in this instance means.

I think you may need some help with that and knowing exactly what you've attempted so far will help us give you that help.

You know your emotional connection to your wife has steadily gone down hill since you started your emotional affair. I believe that you would not even be considering leaving your wife and your babe if this stupid c**t were not in the picture so get your head off of her and put it back into your wife and your family and if she's lacking in the libido then start doing things with her that you did when you first started dating and couldn't wait to get into her pants and you'll find that you get back what you give.

Don't listen to bullshit about leaving someone you don't love when there is someone else in the picture because you'll be thinking codependently and you'll be thinking on lust. You don't know this woman outside of your fantasy and your obsession with her is ruining what you COULD be having with your LIFEpartner.

You don't have to quit your job. You just have to quit the inappropriate behaviour that has nothing to do with business.

Before you think about leaving you would do well to get some personal counselling to find out why you have allowed this wedge (the Cword of a collegue cross your personal and relationship boundaries) be hammered in between you and your WIFE and family.

- - - Updated - - -

... and certainly ~ trying to "analyse" whether or not you love your wife is a useless exercise if you have someone else interloping into your emotional connection.

How can you give yourself an unbiased answer to "do I love my wife" if you're focused on someone else and what it would be like to be with them?

There is no abuse or lack of compatibility in your marriage. There is a third wheel that has made you THINK that you're not happy so get rid of the third wheel, let your wife know that you're going to refocus on her not by telling her but by showing her in actions by treating her like you did when you were first trying to win her over, by flirting with HER and not the office bimbo by getting yourself the therapy you need and if after doing all that there is no improvement in your happiness then leave. But for fvck sakes, don't do it for the office bimbo. You need to exorcise that addiction. Don't jump from the proverbial frying pan into the fire just to satisfy some lust.

[TheEvilJester]

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here, and I agree with mostly all of it. I think the most important thing right now, as many of us have said, is to get space from this "other woman" and take time to figure out whether you and your wife can make things work. Yes, if you CAN fix the problems and remain in life with each other, then the absolutely, Disney World, ideal solution is to work on it and stay together. The thing is, if the problems between you two CANNOT be fixed, then staying together just for the child is NOT noble, no matter how much people always seem to think it is. Having parents who are miserable because they are "stuck" with each other is so much worse for the child than having two parents who are divorced, but at least happy.

So, your best bet is to start making the motions to try to fix what is broken with your marriage. Get therapy if that may help, couples therapy together would be even better. As others have said, you are making that too hard on yourself when you have this "other woman" clouding your judgment. So, that needs to be set aside. Who knows where life will you lead you in time. Maybe your marriage won't work out after all. Maybe you will find yourself single, and suddenly this other woman will also find herself single at the same time. Maybe you two will be led back together. Or, maybe your marriage will work out after all. Only time will reveal all of that.

For the time being, I would say the way you worded it is definitely good. You shouldn't "quit" for sure. Quitting would mean to give up without a fight. You should try to see if your marriage can be fixed. All the same, though, if you do try, you do all the work, and you two just do not work out, it is NOT quitting to end things. That would be doing the right thing. Doing the best for you, for your wife, and truly the best for the little one as well. I hope you don't have to get to that point, but if you do I would hope you can do the right thing rather than to do something wrong because you may think it is the right thing.

Good luck to you.