Feeling Hopeless. Advice Appreciated.

[Begin Again]

This is a very long story that spans over a period of 18 months, but I will do my best to recreate the Readers Digest Version in the essence of time.

I had what I believed was my happily ever after. Although we did not have a whole lot in common, the love appeared pure, we enjoyed one another's company, we spoke it every chance we got, and sent gifts and cards to symbolize each month we knew each other. In all of 18 months, we never got into one argument. There were times I had said things that I felt could have been perceived wrong, but to my best guess, nothing was taken to heart.

Everything went awry about 3 weeks ago. We had a long distance relationship, which I realize statistically does not work well, but I was doing my best to make it work and vice versa.

We would talk on average 2 times a day and exchange text messages until we saw one another.

One day my messages went unanswered, but I paid it no mind because she works in an extremely busy profession, and sometimes life does that to us. This graduated to 2 days or so. Finally I was informed via text that she was completely miserable (with her life) and didn't know how to fix the situation but admitted that she just wanted to be alone and was unable to commit to the normal frequency that we talked.

This devastated me and I tried my best to be supportive. I sent encouraging texts, flowers, cards, etc.. All were acknowledged but the situation did not appear to get better.

Finally I got her on the phone because I was sick of the ongoing text messages and I didn't really get a good answer why she was doing what she was doing, but I tried my best, and I finally told her that I could not have intermittent messages via text because it hurt too much and as far as I was concerned, the relationship was on the rocks and both of us needed a break.

She told me she loved me. I could not reciprocate and I know that had to hurt but I was hurting too. I took an unhealthy route of drinking pretty heavy to mask my pain and then out of nowhere I appeared to recover. We had a nice conversation this weekend as I was volunteering and despite nothing changing per say, I felt comfortable in my own skin.

This changed within 24 hrs as I suddenly started to build resentments. I was getting more texts about trivial shit in her life, and I just didn't feel like acknowledging it. I knew it wouldn't end but I told her I had to keep my side of the street clean because I knew she couldn't be there for me. She was very apologetic the whole time and stated it had nothing to do with me or what I did, but I was angry that despite all this, she was unwilling to get help, whether it was someone to talk to or medication.

Every day has been a struggle. I try to stay busy by exercising, meditating, and keeping the mind active, but the thoughts are still there.

Today she texted me unsure of if I wanted to speak and wondered if I was ok. In the whole time this has gone on, I have bent over backwards to ensure she was ok, and this was the first time she acknowledged me. I didn't respond back. I know that's an asshole thing to do but I am just numb to the whole situation.

My trust is out the window and she knew how hard my past was with letting people in, and the one thing I thought was so pure, went to shit like everything else in my life. Its apparent she isn't ready to walk away yet, but I don't know how to salvage this or even if I want to. A part of me wants her to suffer like the 3 weeks she put me through. Any advice would be appreciated.

[dontaskme]

Man that's too much drama for a relationship. Dump her already and move on. Life is too short to waste it on unnecessary man made crisis for the love of "drama".

[basilandthyme]

Have you ever met her face to face?

[Begin Again]

Have you ever met her face to face?

Yes, we met. The only thing unconventional is we couldn't see each other every day. I was trying my best to make it work. I'm not so emotionally attached that I need to be with someone every waking moment, but not having what little I did had, made me realize how much of an investment and sacrifice I was making.

[Photog]

Begin again,

After reading your post, I felt compelled to register so I could offer a word or 2 about your situation.

After 18 months, and without notice, she suddenly says she is completely miserable with her life, and can no longer commit to the frequency of contact you've become used to.

It seems to me that something happened in her life. Something tragic, certainly unexpected. Was there any indication that something was going wrong during the previous month or two? Major changes life changes like new job, moving, death in family?

If the two of you were doing fine, love was building and being nurtured, something must have happened that you don't know about. Now I know that you're hurting right now, and it's a painful and dark place to be. That being said, I certainly don't wish to add to the pain you're experiencing, but is there a possibility that there is a third party involved here, that is, maybe she met someone else. Relationships that suddenly end usually have a cause. In this case, she's not saying what that is. Why is that?

I am curious, you mentioned that this has been a long distance relationship. Did you meet online? Match.c0m or similar? It seems that relationships which start there are prone to sudden change when one or both parties are still receiving emails and promos that showcase new members, daily matches, etc?

I'd recommend you put her on the spot, in person if possible, at least by telephone, and ask point blank if there is a third part involved. Tell her that the truth, regardless, is most important.

If a third party is not the case, then you have to take a closer look at why this sudden change occurred. If you have been building a healthy relationship over 18 months, whatever is causing her misery is something that should be shared with the man she loves. Why has she chosen to exclude you? Regardless of the reason, are you going to be happy long term with someone that excludes you in time of trouble, not allowing you to be there? Would she expect you to bear your own woes, without having her to lean on? Lovers in healthy relationships are there for one another, sharing both the ups and downs.

You deserve to know what's really going on that has suddenly precluded you from her life and it's challenges.

Hey, we're men. We want to roll our sleeves up and jump in to fix, help, warm, comfort when our women are in need. And we feel good when we can. Why is she not letting you?

I'd also like to say that you're doing all the right things, my friend. Sending the cards and flowers is a caring touch that clearly shows your care and concern. You are trying to be there for her. However you have a right to know what happened.

Continue with the exercise, meditation and staying busy. Sitting inactive and ruminating only produces more pain. You've anguished enough. Stay busy. The grief will pass with time because it is a process, not a single event. If you are a man of faith, confide in your pastor, just tell him you hurt. There's always relief there.

Here's some info about yourself that may also help you. Remember that we love, because we need to love. Losing this relationship, this person doesn't change or destroy that. You're hurting right now because love is lost. Think about it. It isn't just her that your heart pains for, it's love itself. When we practice it, we miss it terribly when it is gone or interrupted. You're hurting because you miss practicing love. She has been a conduit for it, but it is love itself that you're missing.

The shining light of hope comes from your realization that you are capable of loving, that you're a kind and caring guy that jumps fast to get a dozen roses delivered, spend an hour picking out just the right card, being there for the one you love.

Hold your head high, take pride in your ability to love and care like that, because there are millions of women who are willing to give the same, and want to meet you.

Us guys, we're very different from women in so many ways. One of which, when a relationship ends, we want a full autopsy, a complete understanding of what happened. We don't want to be left in the dark with questions left unanswered.

You need to sit down with her, and get answers to your questions. You have a right to this. You invested your heart for 18 months, you earned the right to truth and clarity. After that conversation, you have to made a decision to either stay or go.

Either way, you'll be okay. Hard to see that right now, but you will be.

Get your answers...

Best wishes,
Chris

[Begin Again]

I'm not even going to begin to regurgitate how much bullshit I had to deal with over this girl. As far as I know, she wasn't seeking another man, she's just ****ed up in the head, and she can take solace in knowing she ended it. I can catch a break in knowing I wasted multiple months of my life with someone who wasn't worthy of my love.

Begin again,

After reading your post, I felt compelled to register so I could offer a word or 2 about your situation.

After 18 months, and without notice, she suddenly says she is completely miserable with her life, and can no longer commit to the frequency of contact you've become used to.

It seems to me that something happened in her life. Something tragic, certainly unexpected. Was there any indication that something was going wrong during the previous month or two? Major changes life changes like new job, moving, death in family?

If the two of you were doing fine, love was building and being nurtured, something must have happened that you don't know about. Now I know that you're hurting right now, and it's a painful and dark place to be. That being said, I certainly don't wish to add to the pain you're experiencing, but is there a possibility that there is a third party involved here, that is, maybe she met someone else. Relationships that suddenly end usually have a cause. In this case, she's not saying what that is. Why is that?

I am curious, you mentioned that this has been a long distance relationship. Did you meet online? Match.c0m or similar? It seems that relationships which start there are prone to sudden change when one or both parties are still receiving emails and promos that showcase new members, daily matches, etc?

I'd recommend you put her on the spot, in person if possible, at least by telephone, and ask point blank if there is a third part involved. Tell her that the truth, regardless, is most important.

If a third party is not the case, then you have to take a closer look at why this sudden change occurred. If you have been building a healthy relationship over 18 months, whatever is causing her misery is something that should be shared with the man she loves. Why has she chosen to exclude you? Regardless of the reason, are you going to be happy long term with someone that excludes you in time of trouble, not allowing you to be there? Would she expect you to bear your own woes, without having her to lean on? Lovers in healthy relationships are there for one another, sharing both the ups and downs.

You deserve to know what's really going on that has suddenly precluded you from her life and it's challenges.

Hey, we're men. We want to roll our sleeves up and jump in to fix, help, warm, comfort when our women are in need. And we feel good when we can. Why is she not letting you?

I'd also like to say that you're doing all the right things, my friend. Sending the cards and flowers is a caring touch that clearly shows your care and concern. You are trying to be there for her. However you have a right to know what happened.

Continue with the exercise, meditation and staying busy. Sitting inactive and ruminating only produces more pain. You've anguished enough. Stay busy. The grief will pass with time because it is a process, not a single event. If you are a man of faith, confide in your pastor, just tell him you hurt. There's always relief there.

Here's some info about yourself that may also help you. Remember that we love, because we need to love. Losing this relationship, this person doesn't change or destroy that. You're hurting right now because love is lost. Think about it. It isn't just her that your heart pains for, it's love itself. When we practice it, we miss it terribly when it is gone or interrupted. You're hurting because you miss practicing love. She has been a conduit for it, but it is love itself that you're missing.

The shining light of hope comes from your realization that you are capable of loving, that you're a kind and caring guy that jumps fast to get a dozen roses delivered, spend an hour picking out just the right card, being there for the one you love.

Hold your head high, take pride in your ability to love and care like that, because there are millions of women who are willing to give the same, and want to meet you.

Us guys, we're very different from women in so many ways. One of which, when a relationship ends, we want a full autopsy, a complete understanding of what happened. We don't want to be left in the dark with questions left unanswered.

You need to sit down with her, and get answers to your questions. You have a right to this. You invested your heart for 18 months, you earned the right to truth and clarity. After that conversation, you have to made a decision to either stay or go.

Either way, you'll be okay. Hard to see that right now, but you will be.

Get your answers...

Best wishes,
Chris

[basilandthyme]

I'm not even going to begin to regurgitate how much bullshit I had to deal with over this girl. As far as I know, she wasn't seeking another man, she's just ****ed up in the head, and she can take solace in knowing she ended it. I can catch a break in knowing I wasted multiple months of my life with someone who wasn't worthy of my love.

And this is how you'll grow and learn from this experience. If a relationship is full of bullshit, then it's not pure love. It's just a messy relationship. Learn to walk away from bullshit

[Cathy_N]

I have been there only that the reverse was the case. You guys know how to handle such better than we girls do. Very easy to say "move on or begin again", but it was never easy for me to.
Well, my girlfriend knew my story and introduced me to a voodoo priest who cast a spell on my "would-have-been ex". To make this story short, the guy is head over heals for me today. Here's her email if you need same help [email]cangle259@gmail.com[/email]
Best of luck.