He keeps a friend who tries to destroy our relationship

[NotChristy]

When my boyfriend and I met a couple years ago he was staying at a friend’s house. As we started getting to know each other he kept telling me how his friend’s wife (Krystal) would come into his room at night and try to get him to sleep with her. He also said that she was known for picking fights with any girl he dated and that his ex-wife actually had a restraining order on her because of all the trouble she had caused them when they were together. The more he time he and I spent together the more drama Krystal caused for us, starting with throwing his phone in the toilet when he was talking to me, trying to get my sister to come to her house to be involved in an orgy that he would be forced in to (of course my sister and my bf were not having any of that craziness), and finally ending with banning him from contacting me while living under her roof. Eventually he believed me that she was just too much drama and he moved out. I made it clear to him that if we were to start dating I did not want Krystal to be involved in our lives. He insisted that she was a good friend and that he didn’t want to lose her. Since I obviously can’t tell him who he can/can’t be friends with, I asked him to promise that she will never be told anything else about me, my life, or our relationship. He made that promise and we started dating.

Over the last 2 years we have been together issues with Krystal have continued to surface. He still keeps in contact with her on a pretty constant basis. I can’t say exactly how much but I do know that they text, email, Facebook, and call enough that she seems to always know what’s going on in our lives, if we’re fighting, and what we’re fighting about. She always has something to say about it, and her advice to him is always along the lines of convincing him I’m evil and he needs to break up with me ASAP (preferably to be with her). He plays games with her online, talking through the headset and used to Skype her until a time that my kids ran into the room and I overheard her criticizing my parenting, at which point I asked my bf to not Skype her when me or my kids were home. Early on in the relationship I had to express my concern about him going to her house, but because he’s friends with her husband there wasn’t much I could do about it. Luckily he and his friend don’t get together too often and he’s only been over there a handful of times. I did have to take a stance against her being at any of our social outings because I don’t want to be around her, and he said he understood why it would be really inappropriate for him to be anywhere with her when me and/or her husband weren’t there.

Most recently I had come to a point a few months ago where I was so fed up with her sticking her nose in our business and my bf’s lack of control when it came to sharing about our private lives, that I asked him to tell her to back off and not contact him. Not to say that he had to end their friendship but I wanted to know that there would be a lot less communicating. He fought me long and hard and when it came down to me asking why he was holding on to her so much that he would allow it to drive a wedge between us, he agreed that it wasn’t worth it. He promised that the next time he talked to her he would tell her not to contact him anymore. Sadly, every time he would accidentally mention her to me and I asked why he hadn’t told her to back off yet, he would say “I can’t do it in text, maybe I’ll email her” or “I can’t just write her an email, maybe I’ll tell her next time she’s online” “I can’t do it online, I’ll have to do it over the phone” “she called but it wasn’t the right time”…

Anyways, to the current situation: The other day when I came home from work my boyfriend was home early. That happens sometimes, and as usual he was in front of the TV playing a video game and eating. I asked him why he was home early and he said that he was sent home at 3pm because there was a lack of work to do and there were no doctors there (he’s a pharmacy tech and the doctors make the work for them to do). He said “so I’ve just been binging on games and fries”. I thought nothing of it and went about my business. Later that evening he got a phone call from one of the doctors at his work asking him why he requested to leave early, my bf told him that he asked to leave so he could go home and work on some court paperwork (child support stuff, believable). When he hung up I asked why he told me he was sent home but the doctor said that he requested to leave. He said that actually he just asked his boss if he could go home because there were no doctors there. But then I asked how the doctor that just called knew he left if he wasn’t there, and why he had said that they were super busy after he left. He got all defensive and started accusing me of saying pharmacists aren’t doctors or something confusing and off topic like that. I figured he was just being weird because he didn’t want to admit to me that he just wanted to come home early to play video games because he was bored at work. I shrugged it off and left it alone.

Then later I was on Facebook and saw that he was tagged in a post saying he was at a sushi restaurant for lunch on the other side of town with old friends, including Krystal (and not her husband). At first I thought it might have just been a ‘wishful thinking’ kind of post, since it did say something about reminiscing about old times. But, just out of curiosity I asked him if he wanted to tell me about anything else he might have done that day. His immediate response was “I’m guessing you just went through my phone”. I told him that actually I just saw the Facebook post he was tagged in and that I don’t appreciate being lied to. He went back to playing video games without saying anything else. I went back to the bedroom and saw that his phone was in there so I looked at his texts to see what it was that he thought I had seen. Turns out he had made the original plans early in the morning to go out to the bar at noon with just Krystal, which turned into a sushi restaurant with another one of his friends (that we agreed he would not go out drinking with anymore). So pretty much he lied to me about asking to leave work at lunch so that he could go to the bar with people he promised me he wouldn’t be hanging out with.

I told him that what he did really changed the way I felt about him, and that I would now feel like I have to second guess what he tells me because I won’t know if it’s the truth. He apologized and told me he understood why I would feel that way and told me that he would never do something like that again. I accepted the unfortunate fact that I had lost trust in him and spent the next couple weeks trying to move past it and get on with our lives as normal. There were a couple of times that I really did have to second guess and wondered if he had done it again (him being home early, not mentioning where he had been, etc.).

Then, the other day I was looking at some pictures he had posted on his Facebook page and ended up back at that post of him being at the Sushi restaurant. I thought about it for a while and decided that I would like to make it known to his friends that were also tagged that what had happened wasn’t okay (they both know that he had to sneak out to be with him that day) and that it won’t be happening in the future. I just mentioned that I hope the next time he wants to go out he won’t feel the need to lie to me about it. His friends laughed it up, telling me that they have to kidnap him like that because I don’t let him hang out. It was then that I realized Krystal had blocked me and was also commenting on the post, rudely voicing her opinion about how crazy I was to think that I had a right to be told about the things my bf does without me. (I later saw this through a friends account). When my bf saw the conversation he went through and ‘liked’ all the insulting comments and then posted “I don’t have to lie to kick it”. When he got home he showed me that “somebody” (Krystal) had emailed him a screenshot of the conversation while he was at work. He then told me that he was angry that I had said anything to his friends and that I implied he wouldn’t be going out with them again.

What?!?

Things have been really rough the past few days, I feel like he’s just never going to be on my team. The way he acts makes me feel like we’re working against each other. He keeps making these promises that he has no intention of following through on and I don’t know if I can live without those promises being upheld. I’m feeling like I can’t stay with him while he continues his friendship with Krystal, but at the same time I can’t ask him to end it. Even if I did ask and he complied, it would only be because I said to. He would definitely tell her something like “My gf says we can’t be friends” and really, how would I ever trust that he’s not sneaking around talking to her behind my back? I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. How can we fix this?

[basilandthyme]

He hasn't gotten rid of her because he doesn't want to. You may well be able to give an ultimatum and it could work, he will resent you for it and it will cause ongoing issues in the relationship. And yes, because he doesn't see a problem he will most certainly tell her that it's your fault that they are ending things.

Other than accepting her or leaving him, I see no answers. But ask yourself this: do you really still want to be dealing with this shit in 5 years?

[TablesandChairs]

I'm sorry - what is this craziness? Krystal is married to your boyfriends FRIEND yet she comes onto him (pretty strongly)? What kind of friend is your boyfriend exactly? This isn't about 'Krystal' - you're not dating her and sure, she sounds like a trashy loon but that's neither here nor there - your boyfriend has a choice in how often he interacts with her. He could just say 'Hey, you mention my girlfriend again in a negative light and we're done'. But he doesn't. He bitches to her about you. She knows about YOUR private life. She tells other people you're possessive. Has anyone thought about telling her husband about her exploits?

Anyway. I'd have dumped him a while ago. It's not an appropriate friendship and there's a weird 'them' vs. 'you' vibe that shouldn't really be happening.

Are you sure you can't do better?

[woody]

Get out while you still can. Nut jobs, both of them.
Hey, if your man can't stand up for you, why the heck are you with him.??

[pcmaster]

He and Krystal should be together lol. He have broke his promise, you shouldn't be together with him anymore. You eventually can become crazy just like them if you stay and tolerate this.

[Wakeup]

I made it clear to him that if we were to start dating I did not want Krystal to be involved in our lives. He insisted that she was a good friend and that he didn’t want to lose her. Since I obviously can’t tell him who he can/can’t be friends with

You made it clear to him that she couldn't be a part of your life if you dated and then you go onto say why she is a part of your lives while you are dating.

Did you even realize what a contradiction that is?

You deserve this boyfriend that enjoys the inappropriate attention from his "friend" and her particular brand of crazy because I think it's quite obvious to him that you're not going anywhere no matter how inappropriate his interaction with her is or how disrespectful to you she becomes.

Next time you make an ultimatum you might want to actually be able to follow through on the rule(s) you've stipulated.

[basilandthyme]

Excellent points Wakeup.