I just can't read him..

[Csca]

Hi all,

Might as well start from the beginning.. I was with my ex partner for 3.5 years and we were engaged, I went through a terrible time last summer and was suffering with depression and ended up calling off our wedding and leaving him, feeling like I needed to concentrate on fixing myself. In September, I started getting close to a work colleague, we started to see each other on a casual dating basis, go out for dinner, cinema etc. and of course having sex. I just wanted someone initially to spend some time with as I was feeling so lonely and he was amazing, there for me and listened to me ranting on about my problems and I did the same for him. He admitted to me from the start he wasn't looking for anything exclusive and he wasn't over his ex girlfriend whom he was with for 4 years, they had only split up due to her going travelling for a year and she was returning at Xmas and he wasn't sure how that was going to pan out. I accepted this and understood things between us weren't going to last and I was happy to settle back into being just friends... unfortunately, (as life is a bitch) I, of course, fell for him.. hard. I am completely in love him, and writing that here is the first time I have truly told myself that. I have never felt so intensely about someone in my life. At Xmas, his ex returned, they met up and spoke, decided they weren't getting back together but it was obvious that he still wasn't fully letting go and they still chat now..
This brings me up to the present day.. 7 months later and we are still in this limbo relationship, sometimes things are so natural and great between us, we see each other a few times a week and stay at each others houses, we've met each others family and we're good together. But then other times he likes to point out that we're not a couple and he will go days without responding to me and its as if when we're not with each other, he forgets I even exist. But because we're not in a proper committed relationship I feel I have no place to complain about the lack of communication. He has told me he has feelings for me but I don't believe he loves me, it feels a one sided effort. I do so much for him yet I don't get a lot in return. I'd also understand if it was just all about the sex, but he's not even like that and occasionally he'll turn down my propositions and just want to cuddle.
Seriously.. what is going on in his head? I've never had such difficulty in reading a guy before but I just can't get him and its tearing me up inside.

[basilandthyme]

Csca, at best we can only guess what's going on in his head.

Here's my guess: You're not The One. He likes your company, he likes sex with you and he likes cuddles with you....but not enough to commit to you. I've lost count of the number of guys who won't commit, won't give their girlfriend (or FWB) significance in their lives, who say they won't get married etc etc. And then they find The One and next thing you know, you they've turned their lives around to accommodate this new woman.

You need to ask yourself how much longer you're willing to accept this. How long will you give away all this effort for nought in return? And most importantly, why invest your time in someone you can't read? If we can't read a person, they are a poor fit for our future plans.

Time to close up and move on. Work out what you want in a relationship and don't settle for less.

[Csca]

Thank you for your reply basilandtyme.
I read over it several times and everything you have wrote makes sense and I know deep down I need to let him go as I really don't see it moving forward and all I'm getting is more hurt. It's just so difficult when he's suddenly become the most important person in my life and I think I would now find it impossible to just be his friend, and the thought of losing him completely terrifies me.
****ing hate feelings!

[Jffs24]

You need to tell him you want more, you want to be a real couple and you love him -- and see his reaction to all this [ it won't come to a surprise to him unless he is dense as **** ] and if he can't feel the same or want the same as you, cut him loose and find a guy who does want the same things as you.

[Wakeup]

But then other times he likes to point out that we're not a couple and he will go days without responding to me

That's when he's spending time with his so called "ex."

My guess is that she's still very much in the picture and he is juggling the two of you. Or if not the ex then other chick(s).

I suggest (no matter if he is or isn't still doing her or anyone else while keeping doing you) that you stop pursuing him and start getting a little closer emotionally to the dynamic he clearly spelled out to you in the beginning which is Fvck Buddy.

You may want to talk to him first and tell him what it is you would like to see happen with you and he and see if he is on board with what you want. if he's not, well then wouldn't you be a total dummy to stick around and be a warm wet place to masturbate while you become sicker and sicker from not being valued the way you feel you should be.

NEVER and I repeat NEVER make someone "the most important person in your life" when they are obviously just considering you an option. That is a sure fire way to destroy your self-worth, your confidence and strip away at the essence that is you.

Cold turkey withdrawl if he's not willing to go exclusive with you and be as attentive as any boyfriend should be when he's not got a harem he's rotating.

[Csca]

Cheers for the replies guys...
Yeah I have definitely questioned the idea of him still sleeping with his ex, I know for a fact he still sees her due to them both being in a same 'social circle'... And I have received a message from him today; 'having a bit of a freak out and need a little space, sorry'... guess the 'chat' is coming soon without me needing to initiate it. I think I will just be honest and put my heart on the line, if I get ****ed over maybe it'll be the sense of karma I may need and I can lick my wounds and move forward finally. Wish me luck hey..

[eve.ashley]

Csca, at best we can only guess what's going on in his head.

Here's my guess: You're not The One. He likes your company, he likes sex with you and he likes cuddles with you....but not enough to commit to you. I've lost count of the number of guys who won't commit, won't give their girlfriend (or FWB) significance in their lives, who say they won't get married etc etc. And then they find The One and next thing you know, you they've turned their lives around to accommodate this new woman.

You need to ask yourself how much longer you're willing to accept this. How long will you give away all this effort for nought in return? And most importantly, why invest your time in someone you can't read? If we can't read a person, they are a poor fit for our future plans.

Time to close up and move on. Work out what you want in a relationship and don't settle for less.

sad to say, but i second.

[Boisdevie]

There's nothing to read here. He told you exactly how it was for him. You weren't listening and fell in love with him knowing full well this wasn't on his agenda. Now it's crap and who'se fault? - Yours because he told you straight and you didn't listen.