What's going on with him? friends with benefits confusing me...

[mojones1990]

I originally posted in ask guy, but I though I could use everyone's advice lol. I thought we were just FWB but now I'm confused by how he's acting. Okay so he kind of wanted to date me but I screwed up now he says he doesn't want anything with me but he now he's acting weird. I live 2 hrs away FYI. He asks for me to spend the night quite a bit lately.He was going through something and asked me to come over to keep his mind off of things and we just chilled while he laid in my lap and I rubbed his head, no sex, he tried I said no, then later I tried then he told me no so I just slept over. I left the next morning, he calls that night to ask me to come back I said no but I'd let him know when I would be back in town. Days later before I get a chance to even talk to him he calls and ask me when I'm coming back said I wasn't sure and but then he asked, then insisted that I come that night.

He is supposed to go out but instead for whatever reason stays in with me and we fall asleep cuddling, me sleeping on his chest. I stay until 4 pm the next day, leave and hours later he calls me and asks me to come back and see him before he goes out. He goes out that night he texts me drunk and says "come to me" then starts calling me to come over I say no then he starts saying how I need to come over "because I just want to hold you as I fall asleep" then asked "wait, are you with that guy right now. I'm getting pissed, you're my girl" then said that he wanted me to go to church with him the next day and is still asking for me to come see him but I still couldn't come over. The next morning he texts me saying he wants me to go to church with him so I go (first time going with him) afterwards I say that I'm leaving and he pretty much starts begging me to stay saying he didn't want me to hang out just for 30 min just for me to leave and for me to stay. He says "I thought you wanted to spend more time together, I'm trying to and now you don't that's f*cked up". He tells me not to leave but to but do my work there instead so I could spend the night so I stay for a bit and he makes dinner, he tries to have sex I say no because I kind of was in a funky mood all day and he just asking me what was wrong said he wanted to know and that he could talk to me and then pulled me to him and he held me for a while and he kept asking me to spend the night again.

I'm confused, this doesn't seem like typical fwb behavior at least to me it doesn't. He gets jealous of other guys that I talk to. He keeps asking about this one guy in particular, tries to look into my phone, got mad because I was sending another guy a Snapchat while he was there, said "hmm you have a lot of guy friends". We even held hands (even though he was drunk) but he doesn't like to kiss much anymore which is throwing me off. My friends say they would never ask their fwb to go go to church with them, or ask their fwb to come over when they're down, and keep asking to see so much. He wants to know when I'm quitting my job (I'm trying to move up there).Even asked when he comes to my city do I want for him to see me (I said no because I just wasn't feeling how things were with us at the moment) They think he wants to be with me but is just being guarded right now because of how I kind of messed up things before and he doesn't trust me (when were initially dating a few months in, not exclusively, he found out that I was seeing 3 other guys in addition to him *not sleeping just dating* then backed off quite a bit), so he's proceeding with caution should I say. Does he truly see me as fwb or does he want more just not trying to get attached/being guarded? What's up with the lack of kissing thing? What's this guys deal?


**we met in November but I didn't have sex with him until this month**

[Wakeup]

What do you want with this guy? You're on and on about what he does yet you've said very little (if anything) on what you want with him.

If you don't want a relationship of the committed and EXCLUSIVE kind then quit crossing fvck buddy dynamics with him like sleeping over/cuddling/doing things that confuse the two of you.

If you want to be his exclusive and committed g/f then for goodness sakes talk to him next time he feels the need to whine to get you to come to him. If you don't want to be a fk buddy then don't be one. Get it settled WITH HIM because WE strangers can't decipher what he's thinking... we can only guess which won't help you with whatever it is you're trying to figure out.

First thing you need to do is figure out what you want and then go from there. Seems at this point, you don't know what that is.

[drleo]

it like this guy enjoys your company so much but first ask him or talk to him about the all situation he may be going in a direction were you want to go or not and you did not mention how you feel about his actions now so if you can tell us

[TheEvilJester]

To be perfectly honest with you, going just based on what you have shared with us, my first instinct would be to tell you to end this relationship and do not look back. The guy kind of sounds like a psycho to me. BUT, take that with a grain of salt. That is only going based on what you have told us, and I am sure it isn't like you have shared every single little detail. Without being him or you, I don't think any of us could necessarily tell you what to do, but we can at least offer our thoughts and advice.

As Wakeup points out, you've left out one pretty majorly important detail..... What do you want with this guy? Do you want to remain as just "friends with benefits" or do you want to potentially take the relationship more seriously? If you really have no interest in becoming more serious (or at least not now) and wish to remain "FWB," then you should probably end things. Maybe it is just me, but it definitely does NOT sound like he just wants to be your friend with benefits. I would agree that a lot of the stuff you have told us sounds to me more like he likes you and wants a more serious relationship. If that IS the case, he needs to man up and just say so. Maybe you'll want that, maybe you won't, but he can't keep acting like a child and not being up front about what he wants. If you ARE just FWB, then he has no right to bug you about what you may or may not do with other men, women, or whatever you are into.

By the way, unless there are also further details you didn't mention, I fail to see how you "messed up" at all. If you and he were only really dating at the time, and not at all exclusive, then how does he have any right to begrudge you for dating another guy, two other guys, three other guys, heck even 300 other guys at the time? If there was no implied and/or directly stated exclusivity, then there is nothing saying you can't do just that.

Anyways, again, only you can really know what is best in this situation. I hope we were able to help at least a little bit, though. Even if just to offer a different person's perspective, and a little of our own thoughts and advice. Good luck to you.

[mojones1990]

To be perfectly honest with you, going just based on what you have shared with us, my first instinct would be to tell you to end this relationship and do not look back. The guy kind of sounds like a psycho to me. BUT, take that with a grain of salt. That is only going based on what you have told us, and I am sure it isn't like you have shared every single little detail. Without being him or you, I don't think any of us could necessarily tell you what to do, but we can at least offer our thoughts and advice.

As Wakeup points out, you've left out one pretty majorly important detail..... What do you want with this guy? Do you want to remain as just "friends with benefits" or do you want to potentially take the relationship more seriously? If you really have no interest in becoming more serious (or at least not now) and wish to remain "FWB," then you should probably end things. Maybe it is just me, but it definitely does NOT sound like he just wants to be your friend with benefits. I would agree that a lot of the stuff you have told us sounds to me more like he likes you and wants a more serious relationship. If that IS the case, he needs to man up and just say so. Maybe you'll want that, maybe you won't, but he can't keep acting like a child and not being up front about what he wants. If you ARE just FWB, then he has no right to bug you about what you may or may not do with other men, women, or whatever you are into.

By the way, unless there are also further details you didn't mention, I fail to see how you "messed up" at all. If you and he were only really dating at the time, and not at all exclusive, then how does he have any right to begrudge you for dating another guy, two other guys, three other guys, heck even 300 other guys at the time? If there was no implied and/or directly stated exclusivity, then there is nothing saying you can't do just that.

Anyways, again, only you can really know what is best in this situation. I hope we were able to help at least a little bit, though. Even if just to offer a different person's perspective, and a little of our own thoughts and advice. Good luck to you.

Well I'm not too sure now. Sunday he kept asking me to spend the night then he looked into my phone saw that my gut friend wanted me to come over and asked if I was going to see him. I said I might, then he asked if I was going to spend the night with him and I said I might but probably not, to which he said well you can come back and spend the night if you want. I said no I'm just going to go then I left.*


I didn't hear from all week which was weird. Finally called him yesterday . Finally talked to him and he tells me he doesn't want me to get attached. What the heck? Why in the world would he think that when he did all that stuff from the first post that I mentioned (kept asking to see me, getting upset about other guys, etc.)? Like it just doesn't make sense lol, so much so that I think he's lying because he knows that he's attached and doesn't think I want what he wants. Really how does he not want me to get attached when HE was doing all that stuff? Then he says "yea I just feel bad using you for sex", again what in the world? You just use me for sex but I go home two hours away, but you ask for me to come back that same night just for sex? Want to hold me in your arms as you fall asleep because it was just sex? Being almost clingy because it's just sex? Correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like he did too much for it to be just sex. Then I say how are you using me if we're both on the same page on what we do and don't want?

Then here comes the kicker, he said well there's someone else. I said oh when did you meet her, he said in December (we met in November). So I ask so was she out of town last weekend or something? Because remember before I even got a chance to let him know when I was coming back he called me at 3:30 that afternoon saying he wanted me to come up there, stayed there until 4 pm the next day, then he asked me to come over again only a few hours later then calls me again to come back spend the night, then wants to go to church the next morning, and tells me he's trying to work on spending more time together, tells me to do my work there so that I can spend the night. Any who he says the other girl conveniently to a wedding that weekend. Then I asked why didn't he ask her over the week before when he was feeling down instead of me to which he replies "oh I think she was busy", again how convenient. I asked, "you think how do you not know?" The person you supposedly want is conveniently busy so you ask your booty call instead of waiting for the girl you want? I know he has a best gf then why not ask her next instead of your fwb? Again I think he's just lying.

Also where was this girl the week before then when I spent the night the Saturday, Sunday, and he wanted me to come back that Monday and then begged to see me again days later? Then I mentioned the other guy that I had a date with a few weeks ago then he proceeds to ask me, "have you had sex with him? Did you blow him, did you kiss him?" If you really have this girl then what do you care?*

I really do think he's lying. I know it seems crazy lol but I really do. I think he got hurt, chalked it up in his head that I don't want him and now he's trying to push me away and make me feel bad. Really based off my other post did that seem like a girl who was getting attached? Lol Even you mentioned how my behavior came off a certain way. Also I feel like if you truly had someone else you wouldn't care what your fwb is doing. I don't know I could definitely be wrong but I really do think he's lying.

[Wakeup]

Who gives a fk about all that?


What Do YOU want? Know that and then ask for it and if he doesn't want the same thing then NEXT him.

No wonder he confuses you. He knows he can because it's not hard to confuse someone that doesn't know what they're end goal is.

[mojones1990]

Thought about it and I do want more. Just don't want to look like an idiot after all of that....

[Wakeup]

You'll not look like an idiot. You'll look like a confident woman who knows what she wants and if it's not forthcoming then she ends the filler and gets on with trying to find a man that wants what she does.

You look more like an idiot now letting him act like an idiot while he still gets to do you. (not said with malice... just sayin)

Talk to him, Mo. Getter done... Find out one way or the other and if he's not on board then stop the insanity. Stop going to church with him, stop cuddling with him, stop doing bonding rituals with him and just screw and if you can't do that, then cold turkey withdraw from him by going zero contact and not caving to him anymore.

[TheEvilJester]

I gotta be honest here, I'm not sure why you ever bother to continue seeing this guy at all. He sounds like a nutter-butter to me. If he is this weird and jealous when you are nothing more than friends with benefits, I can't imagine how much worse that would probably get if you became boyfriend and girlfriend. So, really my advice would be to end the relationship and do not look back.

But, it sounds like maybe you don't want to do that. So, if you insist on giving it a shot, then I'd basically mirror Wakeup's advice. Talk to the guy about what it is you want. Be assertive and firm, but fair. Do not play any games. Games are for children. (Except board games. Board games are awesome. :-P) If he cannot man up and agree to it, or it turns out that what you want and what he wants do not match up, then end it. If you both do want the same thing, and he is able to man up and stop these ridiculous games, then give it a shot and good luck to you both.

Personally, I don't think I'd even give the guy a chance if I were you, but that will have to be your decision. Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

He gets that jealous because he likely wants "more" just like she does but he's feeling just as afraid of looking stupid. If you notice in her opening post she mentions that she turned him down for more which set the pace for the bullshit that has followed.

She said:

He kinda wanted to date me but I screwed up.

[Boisdevie]

The OP should work out what she wants. Then tell the guy what she wants. And then see how he responds. It's called communication for ****s sake. Or you could try ****ing mind reading or spell casting. Jeez.

[Wakeup]

... lolzzz ...

[mojones1990]

The OP should work out what she wants. Then tell the guy what she wants. And then see how he responds. It's called communication for ****s sake. Or you could try ****ing mind reading or spell casting. Jeez.

Why didn't you take your own advice about the girl who didn't want a relationship and sent you that have a nice day message on fb and then you asked the forum what she meant by that message? For ****s sake you should have communicated with her and just asked or asked a magic 8 ball. Sheesh

[Wakeup]

Quit trying to deflect what you need to do away from yourself, Mo. Just do what You have to do and listen to the message instead of throwing things back when what is being said makes perfect sense to help you with your own dilemma.

Let us know what he says when you have your talk.

[eve.ashley]

there is a great scene in American sniper movie.

this tall, strapping American cowboy hick dude, who shoots animals for sport and rides in rodeo walks in on his wife screwing a guy.

he slaps a guy around, while she protests that the guy didn't know she was marreid, he yells that his clothes were there and lets the guy run away.

she then yells at him how she is cheating coz she is neglected, this conservative, uneducated guy, gullible enough to go to iraq and kill people for oil, thinking he is protecting America, does not attempt to punish his wife in any manner.

he doesn't yell at her, or try to push her around or physically abuse her.

he says, pack your things and get out...

later on he wonders with his buddy, who was there, btw the whole time, if his wife was right about being neglected.

now, my darling OP, there's a man.

is he a gay man, or a bi man, who sucks dick, (that conservative people would dread) or a mislead American patriot who put himself in a poison that he had to kill kids coz they are carrying bombs,(that i dread), this is irrelevant.

he is a man, with character and kindness, and he does not think anyone owes him anything, and if he is over with you he is over, he does not torture you.

why did i subject you to this story.

you made a mistake early in dating this guy, a mistake that could be you trying to sneak people on him, in which case he should have dumped you, or forgiven you, and that's that.

not all cheating is the same and there are times to dump a cheating person or times to forgive them

this could also be a mistake that due to miscommunication of where you guys were, exclusive or not, in which case he should given you another chance.

what he never should do, and what you never should let him, is punish you endlessly and treat you the way he does.

he is now constantly punishing you for the mistake you made, he doesn't want to treat you with respect, and give you the privileges of a gf, but he bitches and protests like a bf.

the guy is an immature creature, vindictive and loveless...

he can forgive you, and treat you with respect or leave you, this torture FWB in which you clearly want more and so does he, but his fragile ego gets the best of him, and he keeps on punishing you for a mistake you made in the past, this is outrageous.

get away from that guy and look for a guy such as the guy in American sniper or my bf.

these are real men with manly characters, and strong, kind hearts, he is an unstable, vindictive little boy, who shouldn't be dating at all, until he sorts his shit out.

please, take it from someone who has lived her life and loved and had a broken heart....and is with someone now, who knows that love should not be a sado maso hold.

this guy of yours is not a keeper.

some people on here can be quite annoying, because they aim not to share their experience and insight into the topics, (which they, often times, do not have), but to insult and annoy OP and troll useful advice givers, nevermind them, focus on productive member of the forum

P.S. eviljester makes a great point, did you even mess up, coz unless there is specific talk of exclusivity some people will assume they are allowed to date other people until they have sex with one, or even after. people are different....

this guy sounds super judgmental and chronically butthurt, looking for the slightest excuse to be miserable, hurt and unhappy and make the person trying to love him feel she is responsible for his shit.

in any case, whether you messed up or it was just a matter of poor communication, DUMP HIM ON HIS ARSE!

- - - Updated - - -

Well I'm not too sure now. Sunday he kept asking me to spend the night then he looked into my phone saw that my gut friend wanted me to come over and asked if I was going to see him. I said I might, then he asked if I was going to spend the night with him and I said I might but probably not, to which he said well you can come back and spend the night if you want. I said no I'm just going to go then I left.*


I didn't hear from all week which was weird. Finally called him yesterday . Finally talked to him and he tells me he doesn't want me to get attached. What the heck? Why in the world would he think that when he did all that stuff from the first post that I mentioned (kept asking to see me, getting upset about other guys, etc.)? Like it just doesn't make sense lol, so much so that I think he's lying because he knows that he's attached and doesn't think I want what he wants. Really how does he not want me to get attached when HE was doing all that stuff? Then he says "yea I just feel bad using you for sex", again what in the world? You just use me for sex but I go home two hours away, but you ask for me to come back that same night just for sex? Want to hold me in your arms as you fall asleep because it was just sex? Being almost clingy because it's just sex? Correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like he did too much for it to be just sex. Then I say how are you using me if we're both on the same page on what we do and don't want?

Then here comes the kicker, he said well there's someone else. I said oh when did you meet her, he said in December (we met in November). So I ask so was she out of town last weekend or something? Because remember before I even got a chance to let him know when I was coming back he called me at 3:30 that afternoon saying he wanted me to come up there, stayed there until 4 pm the next day, then he asked me to come over again only a few hours later then calls me again to come back spend the night, then wants to go to church the next morning, and tells me he's trying to work on spending more time together, tells me to do my work there so that I can spend the night. Any who he says the other girl conveniently to a wedding that weekend. Then I asked why didn't he ask her over the week before when he was feeling down instead of me to which he replies "oh I think she was busy", again how convenient. I asked, "you think how do you not know?" The person you supposedly want is conveniently busy so you ask your booty call instead of waiting for the girl you want? I know he has a best gf then why not ask her next instead of your fwb? Again I think he's just lying.

Also where was this girl the week before then when I spent the night the Saturday, Sunday, and he wanted me to come back that Monday and then begged to see me again days later? Then I mentioned the other guy that I had a date with a few weeks ago then he proceeds to ask me, "have you had sex with him? Did you blow him, did you kiss him?" If you really have this girl then what do you care?*

I really do think he's lying. I know it seems crazy lol but I really do. I think he got hurt, chalked it up in his head that I don't want him and now he's trying to push me away and make me feel bad. Really based off my other post did that seem like a girl who was getting attached? Lol Even you mentioned how my behavior came off a certain way. Also I feel like if you truly had someone else you wouldn't care what your fwb is doing. I don't know I could definitely be wrong but I really do think he's lying.

he could be lying, or not, but he IS torturing you. love does not hurt and is not torture, and who the fuk does he think he is going through a fuk buddies phone.
fuk buddies do not touch each others phones, sane people know that.

what an arse....