I HATE the fact Boyfriend was previously engaged!

[Petalsparkles]

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of advice here.

I am in a fantastic relationship with a wonderful man. We have been together for 7 months or so, and I truly believe he is the one for me.
We are late 20's/ early 30's.

Last year he told me that he has been engaged before. They were together 5-6 years and thought that marriage is what they "should do"' . He (and his friends) have told me that the relationship was very messy and they cancelled the wedding 2 times. They bought a house together and then split. No contact since.
This was over three years ago now, and I absolutely believe he holds no feeling for her.
However,


Heres the thing though. I HATE IT!

5 days out of 7 the thought of her (and them) consumes me. I struggle to breath and eat, and I dream about her and I often think to myself "I CANT DO THIS!"

He has asked me to move in with him, (to the house they shared) and I SO want to, but I don't feel as if I can until I get all this sorted in my head!

I honestly don't know what to do to get out of this mindset.

I expressed when he first told me about it, that I did not like it, That it I am disappointed that he has done all these things (that we all hope to do only once) with somebody else.,
He does not know that it is as big of a problem for me that it is.
I feel it to be unfair to talk to him about it, that it is my insecurity/crazyness, not his!
I don't want him to feel that he is not doing enough to re assure me/ comfort me etc, because that is not the case.


I'm not even sure what the feeling are. Jealousy? feeling threatened? I don't know!

Words of wisdom please!
xx

[basilandthyme]

You're right to keep this one to yourself. Too many of us make the mistake of putting all our personal crazy stuff on our partner.

I can only give you my personal experience. Having been married, divorced and now with a partner of 20+ years, I can only reassure you that the things I did in my past had zero meaning to me when I started dating again.

Thing is, you might be wary that he shared engagement with her and not you. But if you marry him, this will be something he's only done with you. And marriage is bigger than engagement. And then you have a baby and a baby is bigger than marriage.

Each new thing you do with him will be something he hasn't done with anyone else. Heck, even if you ended up with a guy who's been married and had kids, making a new life with you is still new and exciting for him.

Think about it from the angle of sex. You've had sex before him, yes? Does this take the shine away from the sexual experiences you have with the new guy? Of course it doesn't. It's still wonderful.

If we can't reassure you, get some counselling. A counsellor can teach you how to deal with these panicky thoughts. You don't want to stuff up a good opportunity due to personal demons.

[Petalsparkles]

Thanks so much for your reply . Intellectually, and rationally, I do KNOW these things, I just don't FEEL them!

[TablesandChairs]

This is a bit mental - you know it and I know it. Change or be doomed to a life with cats.

Seriously - you guys met at a point in life when BOTH of you have had previous lives...which is normal. Did you expect a 30 year old virgin? It's great he's had experiences and it likely has made him a better partner. My partner was married some years before me and I couldn't care less. It's not like I'm sitting here with a living room full of his old wedding photos - it's a part of his past of his history that seldom gets mentioned.

Fixating on things that happened before you even met your partner is a recipe for disaster. If you want a ring - retract the craziness, get some counselling...because no one, male or female, wants to commit to an obsessive person.

[Wakeup]

First off, you have only been dating him for 7 month so moving in with him should be something that you'd not even consider just yet. You barely know this man so take moving in together off the table for now.

Secondly and your dilemma: I suggest you read this and do the mental work, the mind over matter that you need to do to stop resenting him for his past.

You have retrograde jealousy and its going to put an emotional wedge between you and this man if you can't let go of this useless resentment.

[url=http://www.retroactivejealousy.com/what-is-rj/]What is Retroactive Jealousy? - Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy[/url]

If something this superficial is "consuming you" to the point where you are unable to eat then you would do well to get yourself some personal therapy to help you to get your mind over this matter if the following suggestion doesn't get you on your way to exorcising this from your system. At your age anyone you get with is going to have a relationship and sexual history so you best work on your self to get past this THING that haunts you.

You can start by reading up on what ails you and by doing some aversion therapy wherein when you are obsessive-compulsive thinking about her/them you doing something unpleasant to help you change your thoughts to the point that you avert your thoughts automatically and without much thought.

Put an elastic band on your wrist and every time you get silly with yourself and start obsessing on this, you pull that elastic band and immediately change your thoughts to a pleasant memory of YOU and Him.

[TheEvilJester]

I think the first thing you need to know is that it isn't WRONG per se that you feel this way. You can't help how you feel. In this case, though, it would be wrong to act on it. The better way to word it is you shouldn't feel this way.

He did nothing wrong now or in his past. Furthermore, you cannot fault somebody for their past (within reason, of course). It doesn't mean anything that he was previously engaged to some other woman. He's not anymore, and that is likely for a very good reason. He is with you now.

The problem here is you obviously intellectually know all this. So, unfortunately, I'm not sure this is much advice any of us can necessarily offer. For example, our advice would be to let it go as she is in his past and you are obviously now more important to him. You obviously know that already, though, and can't quite shake the feeling.

I would agree with what others have said. I think this is one situation where you don't want to share your feelings with him, at least not too much. You don't want to put that on him, because that is unfair. What is he supposed to do? It isn't like he can go back in time and not get engaged to her. He did nothing wrong, so you do not want to treat him like he did. It would be best to figure out how to get past it. Honestly, what may help to that effect most of all is just time. Hopefully if you give it some time, you will be able to forget it and move on.

People make mistakes in their past. Those mistakes can often be in the people you allow close to you. But she is his EX, and she is his ex for a reason.... likely a lot of reasons. You are his girlfriend now. He's moving forward with you and not anybody else.

Good luck to you.