Not Strong enough to leave a bad relationship

[kp15]

I have been seeing this guy for awhile about 4 years. The relationship has progressed a lot over a 4 years but it is not an exclusive relationship. I am in love with him but the feeling isn't mutual. I think he loves and cares about me a lot but he isn't in love with me. The major problem that I have with him is his relationship with his ex. They are not in an exclusive relationship but she wants is to work between them. About a year ago I asked him why does he keep her around and his response was "He doesn't want another man to benefit from the time that he invested in her." So basically I share him with another woman. We both know about each other but I know a lot more about her than she knows about me. She knows that me and him have fooled around in the past. She doesn't know the present status of our relationship. Me and him spend a whole lot of time together. I see him every single day, he spends the night with me at least 3 nights out of a week and he is really sweet. We do most of the things that a couple would do and plus some. However, I know that sometimes he does those things with her as well. Me and his ex are both seniors in college and will be graduating this semester. She goes to school about 2 hours away so he doesn't see her as often. When she is here for long periods of time they can't go three days without arguing. Most of the arguments are so severe that they won't make up for 2 weeks or longer. So I feel like after she graduates and comes home for good and they are around each other more, that that will end it for good because the arguments will be more frequent and that will end it for good.


One of the reasons that I stay in put up with it because I eventually want to be with him. I know that him and his ex will never work because of the history of dysfunction and the obvious incompatibility. I also don't want to leave because I feel like if I left, his ex wold automatically "win". It's like she would get to have him to herself which is all I ever wanted. At the same time, I want her to feel what I feel. I want her to feel what it is like to be pressed about another woman or to have to compete with another woman but I know if I told her, he wouldn't have anything else to do with me.

I am just really bothered because I know they will never work and so does he. Deep down I feel that she knows it as well. However, it hurts to see her name pop up on his phone. He isn't disrespectful enough to answer in front of me. However, this whole thing really breaks my heart. My heart really hurts.

What should I do? Should I wait until after she comes home to make a decision? Do you think that he will ever be with me? Should I tell her the situation? Any advice or insight that anybody has will be helpful

[Boisdevie]

Congratulations on wasting four years of your life.

[eve.ashley]

this is not about the other woman.

he is making you compete with another woman, and you are letting him.

he did not force you to stay in this very unfair and rude set up.

i think you should leave him, cut him completely out of your life and get therapy.

you have completely misdirected your anger at a woman that might be a decent person.

i am tempted to judge this guy, but i should not, for all i know he thinks you are completely OK with your arrangement, he is also not lying or deceiving anyone.

point being, it sounds sleazy the way he is pitting you against each other, but you both agreed to it.

why on earth would you stay with this guy, it's been four years he hasn't changed the set up and made the commitment you want.

i want her to feel bad, no honey.

you don't take revenge on you bad bf or his other girlfriend, that sounds a bit psychotic.

snap out of it.

take responsibility for agreeing to a non exclusive relationship, and if that is not a set up you really want, get out of it.

maybe the other woman knows less about you, because she doesn't ask about you and knows that she has nothing to do with you and her relationship is with the guy.

frankly, you need to take responsibility for your choices.

stop agreeing to a set up that is turning you mildly psychotic.

i think you also know all this, your title says it all.

please understand that you will never get better than this crappy set up unless you walk away and ask for more.

do not ask him for more, if he could give you more, in four years, it would come up.

start therapy, and find the strength you need.

leave the other woman alone, nobody is forcing him to date her.

[kp15]

this is not about the other woman.

he is making you compete with another woman, and you are letting him.

he did not force you to stay in this very unfair and rude set up.

i think you should leave him, cut him completely out of your life and get therapy.

you have completely misdirected your anger at a woman that might be a decent person.

i am tempted to judge this guy, but i should not, for all i know he thinks you are completely OK with your arrangement, he is also not lying or deceiving anyone.

point being, it sounds sleazy the way he is pitting you against each other, but you both agreed to it.

why on earth would you stay with this guy, it's been four years he hasn't changed the set up and made the commitment you want.

i want her to feel bad, no honey.

you don't take revenge on you bad bf or his other girlfriend, that sounds a bit psychotic.

snap out of it.

take responsibility for agreeing to a non exclusive relationship, and if that is not a set up you really want, get out of it.

maybe the other woman knows less about you, because she doesn't ask about you and knows that she has nothing to do with you and her relationship is with the guy.

frankly, you need to take responsibility for your choices.

stop agreeing to a set up that is turning you mildly psychotic.

i think you also know all this, your title says it all.

please understand that you will never get better than this crappy set up unless you walk away and ask for more.

do not ask him for more, if he could give you more, in four years, it would come up.

start therapy, and find the strength you need.

leave the other woman alone, nobody is forcing him to date her.

I just feel like if I leave, he is going to end up with her. & I don't want to see him with her. I know I don't sound very logical or mature but it's just the truth. I feel like I've put in a lot of work for him and I to have grown as much as we have. & if I leave I basically would be just throwing that away and letting another woman have what I worked for.

[eve.ashley]

I just feel like if I leave, he is going to end up with her. & I don't want to see him with her. I know I don't sound very logical or mature but it's just the truth. I feel like I've put in a lot of work for him and I to have grown as much as we have. & if I leave I basically would be just throwing that away and letting another woman have what I worked for.

honey, let her have him.

you are in a masochistic hold here...

there is a good, kind, loving man out there that will be with you and appreciate you.

let her have him, you deserve better than him, everyone does, her included.

also, again you are fixated on her.

this is super unhealthy.

forget about her, he is not meeting your needs after four years of chances.

DUMB THE BASTARD!

i'm sorry but this guy really wants his cake and to eat it.

he doesn't want to be single, or monogamous, or poly, or anything...

he seems to want to torture two women, who both clearly want monogamy, and play them against each other.

you do sound like a mature honest person, but very battered by a bad relationship.

please get out of it.

[Wakeup]

I just feel like if I leave, he is going to end up with her. & I don't want to see him with her. I know I don't sound very logical or mature but it's just the truth. I feel like I've put in a lot of work for him and I to have grown as much as we have. & if I leave I basically would be just throwing that away and letting another woman have what I worked for.

Then learn to share him and stop complaining about it. He's NOT going to give her up for you even if they argue more because I'd imagine that the volatility he has with her is half of what draws him to keep on with her.

You have zero self respect or love for yourself and yes, you should really consider getting some therapy to figure yourself out and to help you overcome whatever it is that makes you think that securing a man like him makes you a winner. Do you honestly think that if he breaks up with her for good that he wouldn't find a replacement for her shortly thereafter? He's not a monogamous man by nature so stop hoping you'll be the victor.

Non-monogamous men will not very likely become monogamous for anyone... not for any length of time anyway. If you can't be content being in his harem then get yourself out of it. Therapy will help you rehab from him no longer being in your life as well. (well, if you ever learn to realize that you'd never be able to trust a man like him so you're better off not being with a man like him that is) He is honest with you and by staying with him anyway, you've taught him that he can do anything with anyone and you'll not leave him. Sadly.