I refuse to give my boyfriend oral pleasure! Am I a bad girlfriend?

[WildHeart1994]

We have been dating for 14 months, my boyfriend is a loving, smart, selfless, kind, sweet, considerate and gentle man. He's very shy about his needs and he gives far more than he receives. He certainly has a beautiful heart. He does everything in his power to make me happy and smile, I can honestly see him as my future husband and I try very hard to show him my love and appreciation.

During the 8th month stage of our relationship, we had a serious, yet gentle conversation about sexual activity and I was trying to get him to express his needs. He was nervous and breathing heavily. His voice was incredibly silent. He wanted to know my limits on sex. I told him that I want to save my virginity till marriage, I also told him that I hate oral (based on being abused by my previous bf, made me hate bjs).

My boyfriend (also a virgin) admitted that he would love to get his first blowjob from me and asked if there was anything that he can do to make the experience better for me. I told him about my previous bf and that it left me hating blowjobs permanently. He gave me a huge hug, kissed my forehead and apologised. He said that he would love a blowjob, but understands my situation and will never ask again. I asked if this was a deal breaker, he said no because he loves me for my heart and personality . We ended the conversation on deciding that we weren't ready to do anything sexual.

Next week is his birthday and I told him I can give him anything. He (in a very soft and nervous tone) told me that he wants to perform oral on my p****. He's aware that I don't like BJ's, but he said that wants to eat my p**** without expecting anything in return. Then again, he told me that he will only do it if I'm ready. This is something the he really wants to do, he said that making me squirm in pleasure will make him happy. I just feel incredibly guilty and I don't know what to do, I don't want to say no to him on this birthday, he'll be crushed

So am I bad girlfriend for not giving him oral sex? Should I go ahead with his birthday wish? If I feel uncomfortable at the last minute, how can I compromise the situation? If I say no, how should I tell him? Should I just suck it up and go down on him? I hate blowjobs but I really want to make him happy . Thank you

[basilandthyme]

If you have baggage from a previous relationship, it's up to you get past it and learn to have it not impact your new relationships. This is what counselling is for.

If you're unwilling to do the work to help get past an old relationship's issues, then perhaps you're not ready for a new relationship.

[eve.ashley]

you should never do anything sexual with your bf, that you do not want to a point it makes you uncomfortable.

so if it reminds you of abuse, do not push yourself to perform fellatio.

you should let your bf go down on you, since you have no traumatic experiences with that.

you can reciprocate the pleasure by giving your bf a handjob, if he doesn't mind one.

counseling is a really good idea as well, you should not be forever repulsed with BJ if it can be helped, but counseling takes time, and under no conditions and for no reason should you push yourself to perform a blow job, as long as it makes you feel uncomfortable or sad.

this does not make you a bad gf at all.

[Boisdevie]

Good. Bad. It doesn't matter. But what doesn't matter is that you have differing wants. So one of you will have to accept disappointment. I think this makes for a poor relationship.

And I find it quite frankly laughable that you're 'saving yourself' for marriage. So some sexual activity (like letting your ex BF put his dick in your mouth) is OK but other forms of sexual activity (letting a guy put his dick in a different hold) is somehow wrong.

[dickriculous]

If you have baggage from a previous relationship, it's up to you get past it and learn to have it not impact your new relationships.

I'm more concerned with this than I am with the blowjob issue. Big picture vs. detail.

I'm even more concerned that here you are, still weighed down with all this unresolved baggage from a previous relationship and yet you're talking about marrying this guy. This is mind boggling to me.

Anyway, have you told your bf that for him to eat your pussy would make you feel wracked with guilt since you won't reciprocate? Leaving him in the dark about this is only going to make things worse. Maybe if you talk about it you can come up with some other way you can pleasure him. In the meantime, definitely seek counseling for your previous baggage, at the very least it won't hurt and it may help you to sort all of this out.

[Wakeup]

Why, if your boyfriend was abusing you and (I'll assume skull fking you till you hated it) didn't you stop HIM before you developed this aversion to it. I think there is no excuse for that short of him raping you which if he did, I'd hope you'd have him charged and arrested.

Anyway Instead of taking action you punish the new man/boy? in your life. Someone who, in your own words, is "loving, smart, selfless, kind, sweet, considerate and gentle man?"

If you think about it. Do you really think (not trust enough) a man that is sweet, considerate, gentle, selfless and smart would not stop the session if you were to find yourself uncomfortable?

Work on your aversion to this because it may not be an issue now but it will be in the near future when he gets you addicted to going down on you and you don't reciprocate.

You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything but I'm still curious as to what you did about the ex who made you hate it so much.

[lovebroken]

He wouldn't expect it to be mind blowing, so you don't need to worry how great it will be, or that he will be disappointed in your performance, since he's never had one before and knows you are shy about it anyhow. You could attempt it once for a special gift for him like he asked and if it turns out miserable for all involved well, he won't be asking for another anytime soon, so that will solve that situation for you. It's up to you what you will and won't do in the end, he probably knows this so no amount of guilt from him will change that, you decide for you regardless.

[WildHeart1994]

Thank you everyone for your advice . I'm sorry if I sound like a selfish brat because that wasn't my intention. My ex-boyfriend was my first boyfriend. I went through a stage in my life where I felt seriously neglected by friends and family. My ex-boyfriend was the only one to show attention and love.

But he was crazy about sex and I told him that I want to save sex till marriage, my ex was annoyed and kept pressuring me. At that point of time, I felt neglected by everyone and my ex would leave me if I find some way to please me. So I sucked it up and gave him blowjobs.

The experience wasn't good, he was rough and inconsiderate, grabbing my face while trying to pump himself in as far as I can. He slaps my face whenever I didn't provide enough suction. I just closed my eyes and hopped that it will be quick. I wanted him to finish on a towel but he went straight to my throat :-(. This went on for 5 months and he was being more inconsiderate. I thought that only 10 minutes of pain is worth the price to pay to keep a relationship.

He treated me alright overall, but treated me like a worthless piece of s*** during his BJ's. He broke up with me because I still refuse to have sex, he started to tell his friends about my terrible blowjob performances. A couple of his friends often walk pass me on my street, sometimes mimicking the phrase "worthless s***" :-(. So that's the story of my ex-boyfriend.

My current boyfriend is different and I want to please him, but I can't get that stuff out of my head. The slapping, the smell, the choking, the taste, the gagging, the vomiting, the pressure and the fact that "I suck" according to my ex :-(. I like the idea of giving him a handjob. Maybe I just need to be comfortable around him sexually? I don't know? :-(.

[eve.ashley]

Thank you everyone for your advice . I'm sorry if I sound like a selfish brat because that wasn't my intention. My ex-boyfriend was my first boyfriend. I went through a stage in my life where I felt seriously neglected by friends and family. My ex-boyfriend was the only one to show attention and love.

But he was crazy about sex and I told him that I want to save sex till marriage, my ex was annoyed and kept pressuring me. At that point of time, I felt neglected by everyone and my ex would leave me if I find some way to please me. So I sucked it up and gave him blowjobs.

The experience wasn't good, he was rough and inconsiderate, grabbing my face while trying to pump himself in as far as I can. He slaps my face whenever I didn't provide enough suction. I just closed my eyes and hopped that it will be quick. I wanted him to finish on a towel but he went straight to my throat :-(. This went on for 5 months and he was being more inconsiderate. I thought that only 10 minutes of pain is worth the price to pay to keep a relationship.

He treated me alright overall, but treated me like a worthless piece of s*** during his BJ's. He broke up with me because I still refuse to have sex, he started to tell his friends about my terrible blowjob performances. A couple of his friends often walk pass me on my street, sometimes mimicking the phrase "worthless s***" :-(. So that's the story of my ex-boyfriend.

My current boyfriend is different and I want to please him, but I can't get that stuff out of my head. The slapping, the smell, the choking, the taste, the gagging, the vomiting, the pressure and the fact that "I suck" according to my ex :-(. I like the idea of giving him a handjob. Maybe I just need to be comfortable around him sexually? I don't know? :-(.

you don't sound like a brat at all.

your ex, however should be in jail and his friends are sexually harassing you as well.

you should go to the police.

these people should not get away with this.

domestic abuse is a crime punishable by law, rape is, as well as sexual harassment.
you are not at fault for being abused.

you did not provoke the abuse, agree to, it neither is your failing to leave equal to asking for it.

only very unintelligent, primitive, malicious people think like that.

the only people responsible for the abuse, who provoke the abuse, and cause it are people who abused you and still are abusing you.

you will need time ans therapy to understand this.

go and report them all to the police and find a good therapist.

i am glad you have a healthy decent man in your life now, that will prove life saving, but you also need therapy, you have suffered very serious, prolonged abuse.

(i sure hope he is healthy and decent)

do not give your bf a BJ until you are well enough not to think of it as trigger for the trauma.

(something that reminds you of the abuse)

if that never happens, never engage in BJ again, that will not be the end of the world, there is so many other things to do.

i cannot stress this enough: YOU HAVE NOT CAUSED THE ABUSE TO HAPPEN, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID OR SAID. THE ONLY PERSON WHO ARE GUILTY FOR YOUR ABUSE IS PEOPLE WHO HAVE ABUSED YOU.

narcissistic abusers and their minions have a way of making women think they share the responsibility for the abuse happening, that they have somehow caused it or triggered it.

this is simply not true and it speaks to their warped cognition, you need to remember what you knew before he preyed on you and locked you into the circle of abuse, that nothing causes rape other than rapists and any man physically targeting a woman is worthless piece of shit.

that you cannot provoke abuse, or agree to it.

if you never knew these things you will need help to learn them, if you knew them you will need help to remember what you knew.

therapy is necessary and so is a healthy bf.

hopefully you have one, and should look for the other ASAP.

[TiffanyLum]

Why are you so scared of blowing him? There's nothing much to it really

Keep it simple, short and sweet. Make it fun. Use chocolate if you can't stand the taste of his penis. Get creative!

There are a tonne of ways to get pass this problem with a very simplistic solution.

Alternatively, you could tell him before the blowjob that you didn't brush your teeth for a week. See if he still wants it

[Bellexxx]

Naahhh, honey your not bad. If he's real gentlemen and a considerate person. No need to ask. If he will respect your decision then tell him prankly. That your still not ready to give your everything to him. Unless you'll get married. There's no harm in trying, but if he's true to you, then he will understand you.

[pcmaster]

I think this guy wont break up with you if you wont please him, so you have nothing to worry about. Thing about sex is that it have to be enjoyable for both and even if he just goes down on you Im sure he will enjoy it. Make sure you shave or wax it clean before sex.

[Wakeup]

You may not be at fault for being abused the FIRST time he did it. You are, however quite responsible for staying in the relationship and allowing him to continue to do it to you. If you have him charged with "domestic abuse" that does not change the fact that you allowed this situation to continue after the first horrible time he did it to you instead of leaving him and finding someone less "mad."

There is NO help in making you a "victim" when you were actually volunteering when you stayed and continue to allow him. You must work on your love of self, your sense of self worth, your confidence and your personal boundaries so that you don't allow someone else to take advantage of you, to manipulate you into doing things you're not comfortable with the way this ex of yours had done.

You cannot report someone for rape when you opened your mouth to accommodate him. If you had said no, refused but he forced himself into you, then YES... you could have him charged with rape.

DO get yourself therapy to help you come to terms with your low self-esteem, to help you hone your personal boundaries so that you won't settle to be with someone who does not respect your boundaries and you will leave them instead of being threatened to be left if you don't succumb to their over-the-top proclivities.

Work on your boundaries and really think about getting therapy to help you with getting to love of self and confidence to know that guys that threaten to leave you if you don't do what they say are better off being left to go.

[pcmaster]

Shes a young girl - they often do what they dont like because guys want/like it. It takes some growing up to realize "Why are Im doing it?" She didnt wanted to lose a guy it was her first BF.

[dollhouse]

If you cheated on him, you'd be a bad girlfriend, but not giving him head doesn't make you a bad girlfriend. If you don't like a specific sexual act he shouldn't try to force you into it.