Am I letting my future desires ruin my current relationship

[chanellywelly]

Hi everyone I'm going to try and keep this as short and clear as possible. Some background information: Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, I am 23 & he is 27. He is my first relationship and he had one in the past but hadn't dated for a long time before me. From the beginning he wanted to take things slow as he had said he had been hurt in the past. This hurt has been very evident in our relationship at times. The first is when I asked him 3 months into dating if he wanted to become official & he said no he needed more time, I was hurt but could understand where he was coming from. Unfortunately, over the course of our relationship I feel that I have become jaded by his actions and where as I used to be very trusting before him, now I am not so much.

When we had been together 1 year and 1/2 one of his friends got married after knowing her partner for 4 months, at the time I didn't realise why it annoyed me but I eventually realised that it was because I wanted to marry him, it completely took me by surprise. I became very distant and very upset especially as 4 other couples who are his friends got engaged in a short space of time and in total they had only been together a max a year.

This lead to us having a discussion about where this relationship was going after I admitted that I would like to be engaged, I knew what he was going to say anyway which was he wasn't ready, he then which I appreciate was honest with me and said he saw us getting married in 5 years, that was a blow but I wouldn't want to force him into that situation so I kept quiet. The other issue was kids, I'm a children's nurse & I love kids in general, he said he didn't want kids until he was in his mid 30's, I was instantly sad because that was way too late for me, we compromised that I would be 28 and him 32. I thought I was happy with that, or so I thought.

For the last 5 months they have been hard, I have been struggling with my feelings for him, but I am unsure if it is because of my desire to get married and have kids is so strong that its affecting me enjoying the relationship as it currently is. In an argument I told him I didn't trust him that he would keep his word about marriage and kids. My boyfriend is very set in his ways, he says hell compromise but I just don't believe him, he gets so stressed if something doesn't happen as planned. He had asked me to move in with him, initially I accepted but then declined after our discussion as I saw no point in living together if he needs 5 years before marriage.

When I am with him, I'm happy and enjoy being with him, but when I am on my own I get very upset by the fact that it is always me in the relationship who has to wait until he is ready for the next step and that he is stringing me along. I then cancel dates as I am too upset. I have started to look at him differently, we are meant to be planning a trip to Thailand in October which he keeps asking about, I just push it to the side because I don't want to plan something so far in advance with him.

Initially I was ok with waiting for the next steps, but I think every now and again I'm not, I don't help by reading wedding forums etc but I can't help it. It especially doesn't help that I'm going to his friends wedding soon and they haven't been together very long either.

I guess my question is, do I still want this relationship and is the marriage issue and kids clouding my judgement so that I can't enjoy the present or is the relationship coming to an end?

Thanks for your help in advance.

[eve.ashley]

Hi everyone I'm going to try and keep this as short and clear as possible. Some background information: Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, I am 23 & he is 27. He is my first relationship and he had one in the past but hadn't dated for a long time before me. From the beginning he wanted to take things slow as he had said he had been hurt in the past. This hurt has been very evident in our relationship at times. The first is when I asked him 3 months into dating if he wanted to become official & he said no he needed more time, I was hurt but could understand where he was coming from. Unfortunately, over the course of our relationship I feel that I have become jaded by his actions and where as I used to be very trusting before him, now I am not so much.

When we had been together 1 year and 1/2 one of his friends got married after knowing her partner for 4 months, at the time I didn't realise why it annoyed me but I eventually realised that it was because I wanted to marry him, it completely took me by surprise. I became very distant and very upset especially as 4 other couples who are his friends got engaged in a short space of time and in total they had only been together a max a year.

This lead to us having a discussion about where this relationship was going after I admitted that I would like to be engaged, I knew what he was going to say anyway which was he wasn't ready, he then which I appreciate was honest with me and said he saw us getting married in 5 years, that was a blow but I wouldn't want to force him into that situation so I kept quiet. The other issue was kids, I'm a children's nurse & I love kids in general, he said he didn't want kids until he was in his mid 30's, I was instantly sad because that was way too late for me, we compromised that I would be 28 and him 32. I thought I was happy with that, or so I thought.

For the last 5 months they have been hard, I have been struggling with my feelings for him, but I am unsure if it is because of my desire to get married and have kids is so strong that its affecting me enjoying the relationship as it currently is. In an argument I told him I didn't trust him that he would keep his word about marriage and kids. My boyfriend is very set in his ways, he says hell compromise but I just don't believe him, he gets so stressed if something doesn't happen as planned. He had asked me to move in with him, initially I accepted but then declined after our discussion as I saw no point in living together if he needs 5 years before marriage.

When I am with him, I'm happy and enjoy being with him, but when I am on my own I get very upset by the fact that it is always me in the relationship who has to wait until he is ready for the next step and that he is stringing me along. I then cancel dates as I am too upset. I have started to look at him differently, we are meant to be planning a trip to Thailand in October which he keeps asking about, I just push it to the side because I don't want to plan something so far in advance with him.

Initially I was ok with waiting for the next steps, but I think every now and again I'm not, I don't help by reading wedding forums etc but I can't help it. It especially doesn't help that I'm going to his friends wedding soon and they haven't been together very long either.

I guess my question is, do I still want this relationship and is the marriage issue and kids clouding my judgement so that I can't enjoy the present or is the relationship coming to an end?

Thanks for your help in advance.

i'm sorry to have to say this, but things do not look good in your relationship.
no matter how hurt he has been in the past, in two years that should have dissipated enough to start trusting you.

unless people are 16, any avoiding of marriage past one years anniversary is a sing of that person not really wanting to commit to you.

i'm sorry and i hope i am wrong, but you are not it for him. you are not the one...

maybe he wants you to be, but you aren't.

he is waiting for someone else... he is hurting you and preventing you from meeting a man who will think you are absolutely fabulous and want to grow old with you...

i could be wrong about your bf though, coz you have some issues of your own that could make him go on the defensive and act this way....

why are you in such hurry to be a mother at 23?

what's the rush?

also, why wouldn't you want to live with your bf?

it's much more intimate and fun than just dating??

so, yes you're ideas of how things should be, preventing you from enjoying your life as it is now..

but

this could also be your reaction to his lack of commitment and warmth, and loving interaction (no matter how set in your ways, a loving relationship will change you, as it should)

so i cannot tell who started this, and why you are mismatched, but the fact remains you are...

as painful as a break up would be now, it would provide you with a chance to meet someone who you will enjoy being with and who wants you and similar thighs you want...

sorry, i know it's not easy to hear this...

[basilandthyme]

Chanelly, you don't trust him to keep his word. If you can't trust a person, then the relationship isn't worth saving.

[chanellywelly]

Thank you for your advice but to clarify I don't want a baby at 23 but I don't want to start trying at 28 either. I no longer wanted to move in with him because we had different views on what living together meant. For me it means after a year or 2 you look at getting engaged. If he sees us married in 5 years then there's no rush for me to take that step and move in now.

He talks about marriage and kids all the time but I have asked that we no longer discuss it so that I can find it easier to put it to the back of my mind.

[eve.ashley]

Thank you for your advice but to clarify I don't want a baby at 23 but I don't want to start trying at 28 either. I no longer wanted to move in with him because we had different views on what living together meant. For me it means after a year or 2 you look at getting engaged. If he sees us married in 5 years then there's no rush for me to take that step and move in now.

He talks about marriage and kids all the time but I have asked that we no longer discuss it so that I can find it easier to put it to the back of my mind.

it seems that it's not you. you views on what constitutes a relationship seem healthy, and you want that wiht him...

again, i'm sorry, i hate to be the bearer of bad news.

(i have known loss and broken heart)

but this man is wasting your time...

give yourself a chance to morn him and get over him, so you can make room for someone who wants everything you do, and he wants it with you...

[dontaskme]

He wants what you want, your timelines are just different. It's really up to you what you're willing to compromise with this guy.

[Wakeup]

I agree with "dontaskme" You have the same goals it's just that the timelines are different. I commend you for not moving in with him because I have a feeling that had you, he would have absolutely no reason to commit to marriage when he is getting everything but the legal obligations(s) while living together.

I lived with my husband of 38 years for three years before we got married but we both had come to an agreement/compromise that we both could live with prior to making the co-habitation a reality. It certainly wasn't ALL what he wanted or ALL that I wanted but it was calmly and seriously negotiated until we found a solution that worked out very well for the BOTH of us.

Can you talk to him again after you've come up with a solution that isn't exactly what you want but what might very well be good with him too? If he won't budge then I guess you have some serious self-reflecting to do in order to come to a conclusion about waiting and giving him what he wants or leaving now because he's not willing to give you anything you seem to need.

[SDelight]

In my opinion on this matter it doesn't seem completely a gone case. He does seem to envision a future with you but maybe yes you are a bit clouded at the moment. We shouldn't compare our relationship first of all to other people. Those people could be having a different connection all together, and who knows if those marriages would last in the first place. They seem to be rushing (my opinion not judging). I think take a step back and enjoy his company. He has not left you, despite the fact that you're going nuts so that's a good sign. He will work through with it, but give it time. See where it goes for a year and enjoy the company and enjoy him. If he is hurt let him get over it with you being by his side and supporting him and the love will flourish. Give it time.

[Resessions]

After reading your post I just want to tell you that if I were you I wouldn't put a whole lot of faith in an engagement when two people have only been together a few months. I say this because I married my ex-husband less than a year after I met him. We didn't even make it to our second anniversary. However, the two of you definitely have different time lines on how you want your lives to plan out. 28 could be a little late to start "trying" to have children especially if you are wanting more than one. I'm sure you're aware that it could take time for you to get pregnant once much less twice or more. If I were in your shoes I would definitely take the time to consider whether investing your time in him is worth it to you. Two years is a while to not at least being open to marriage sooner than five years up the road.

[Wakeup]

28 is NOT too old to start having a family. In this day and age the majority of people aren't even having their first one by 30 do to post secondary education and career establishing.