How to reduce unnecessary worries?

[mhoi]

My boyfriend of 1 year and I have had some issues with texting/calling eachother too much. During the first 6 months of our relationship, we used to talk at least once a day.
But I constantly overtought his texts, and we both felt like we HAD to anwser calls and texts so we decided to have less contact, and tell each other about our day when we meet in person (we do see each other quite regularly). Sometimes we still talk on the phone when we have spare time.
Our relationship has been much better, we don't fight over text and are more relaxed when we're together.

But it does happen that I start to think that there's something wrong when we don't speak for two days or so.
I do know that he's just busy and that there's nothing wrong. But I don't know how to stop overthinking about WHY he isn't calling me. I feel bad because I feel controlling and needy.
I have talked to him about this, and he told me to just stop worrying so much and be more positive. But it seems like I can't stop worrying.
Any advice? Thanks in advance.

[basilandthyme]

So I'm assuming that when he doesn't call, you think that he doesn't care. Makes me wonder if there are unresolved issues within the relationship which make you think he doesn't care?

[mhoi]

I don't think there are unresolved issues.
I do have issues with low self esteem, and I do sometimes worry about literally everything.
I think I was so used to knowing where he is and what he's doing, that now when I have no idea where he is, I start worrying. I trust him and I don't worry about him cheating on me or lying to me, but I still feel controlling...

[eve.ashley]

in a healthy relationship people both text each other and talk at least once a day...

they just do it with ease, and at both of the people's convenience...

it's not normal not to talk to your bf for two days, at all...

anyone would be worried over that, as they should.

nobody can say how often should people text or speak, that is set by both people's convenience and circumstances they are in, but it's sure a lot more than once every two days...

i'm sorry but something is wrong with your relationship.

it's normal to be in the loop regarding where your partner is and what they are doing...

this is called intimacy and sharing your lives...

it's different entirely than smothering them or controlling them...

[Wakeup]

I don't think there are unresolved issues.
I do have issues with low self esteem, and I do sometimes worry about literally everything.
I think I was so used to knowing where he is and what he's doing, that now when I have no idea where he is, I start worrying. I trust him and I don't worry about him cheating on me or lying to me, but I still feel controlling...

What is wrong with you BOTH agreeing that a call (not text but a telephone call) once a day to discuss your day would be something that you both could manage? At the very least a short text saying good night to one another wouldn't be too much to ask.

I know when the hubby and I were courting we never went two days without touching base with one another. Sometimes our convos were long and detailed other times they were just, as I said, a touch base and a chance to say goodnight to one another.

I think we teach people how to treat us and if "saying don't worry so much" is not helping to "not worry too much" then you need to teach the other person what would make you "not worry too much."

There may not be "something wrong with your relationship" but rather what is being given to you in your relationship isn't enough... so, teach him what will be enough but don't be a demanding and insecure shrew about it. Asking for contact at least once a day when you've not seen one another isn't too much to ask.

[basilandthyme]

A few things now that I have more info:

What are you doing about your low self esteem? I hope you're doing counselling. For a relationship to be the best it can be, we also need to be the best we can be.

I agree with Wakeup that you probably need to have a conversation with him about wanting to talk with him daily.

I'm going to give a caveat to Eve's advice "in a healthy relationship people both text each other and talk at least once a day". Yes, it is nice to hear from our loved one daily. But I don't think that this is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. Some people don't need that amount of contact and if less contact suits them, that's great for them. But even for those who desire daily contact, it's not always practical. When my hubby's away, I want him to call if and when it's convenient rather than insist that he must make time to call me. It's important to be able to be confident on the days when there's no contact that all is OK. This goes back to having good self worth and confidence in the relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

I do agree with some of the others that I don't see why you two can't have a planned call at least once a day. I mean, it doesn't even have to be something all that long. Just a brief "Hello! How was your day? I love you!" kind of thing.

All the same, unless the absence starts to become more and more and he doesn't mind/care or make any effort, or there are other issues, I wouldn't worry. Honestly, I know exactly how you feel. I tend to do that stuff to myself as well, worrying too much over stuff I should just let go. I wish I could tell you there is some magic cure, but unfortunately there is not.

I know this sounds so much easier said than done (and, trust me, it is) but all you can really do is learn to better understand your own self. You just have to learn to grasp a better understanding of when you are worrying for legitimate reasons and when you are worrying yourself over trivial things. Or, for that matter, when you are worrying about something prematurely, before you really know there is anything to worry about.

Trust me, I've lived with this stuff my whole life. I know that isn't easy. I'm sorry. I wish I had more helpful advice, but beyond working with a therapist, there really isn't much you can do to improve this other than to just learn to better deal with it. I've also learned that I'm likely never going to be able to stop myself from having these ridiculous worries over nothing, so the trick is realizing rationally that I am worrying over nothing, or over-worrying about something that isn't as big a deal as I am making it. You sort of start to learn a better balance of what is a reasonable concern so you only actually speak up to the person if your concerns are legit, and learn to just let it go if it isn't. You will likely still drive yourself a little bit crazy with it, but it gets easier to deal with when you learn to better identify/realize when your concerns are overblown, and when they are legit.

Bottom line, though, the thing that will help the most is seeing the proof that you were worried for no reason. If you give it time, hopefully you and your fella will settle into a rhythm that makes you both happy, and that will make you feel better because you will see that you were worrying for no reason.

Good luck to you. I sort of feel for you, being as I share this problem myself. I know what a struggle it is to go through life like this, having a hard time knowing when you are blowing things out of proportion, or when you can trust yourself that you concerns are legit.

[mhoi]

Thank you all very much for your replies.

I have been seeing a therapist for my low self esteem and some other issues.
My boyfriend is someone who doesn't worry about small stuff. He won't panic if there's no obvious reason to do so.
I admire him for being so optimistic, but on the other hand it does happen that he just can't understand how I can live with all those worries and insecurities in my head.

Maybe I should also try to let go of my 'ego' - not wanting to be the first to contact him.
I certainly am not always the one to call, he does call from time to time. And if I call him, he would be happy to hear from me.
But my mind still goes 'I would just bother him if I call', 'he would get tired of me if I am the one to call again', 'if he would want to speak to me, he would call. I won't call him today'. I hate thinking like this.

TheEvilJester, thank you very much, it's reassuring to hear that I'm not alone in this struggle with overthinking and worrying.
I think me and my boyfriend are still trying to find the right rhythm for the both of us.
We used to text A LOT, but the arguments we had because of misunderstanding a text message were ridiculous. Maybe we wanted to fix those problems too drastically...

[Wakeup]

Texting sucks the big one because the messages can be so easily misunderstood. (which you've found out )

Have a conversation with him about touching base once a day (at least) by phone when you're not going to be in each other's company and see if he's on board with that. Hopefully that's a nice compromise that will satisfy the both of you.

[TheEvilJester]

I am glad to hear that you are getting the help you need. I never got therapy myself and I came out fine (you know.... relatively, LOL!) but I probably could have done so much better, and gotten there so much sooner if I had. I would never suggest my method to anybody suffering through the same stuff I did.

I think you are definitely on the right track, though. You need to learn when to tell that little voice in your head to shut up. You certainly should just go ahead and be the first to call your boyfriend now and then. He's your boyfriend. Not only should that be okay, it should almost be expected. People aren't going to dislike you because you actually genuinely want to talk to them. I mean, maybe if you constantly call/text/e-mail/whatever them 24/7 and expect them always to answer, then sure maybe they'd get sick of you. But, it is entirely reasonable to want to talk to your peeps now and then, even more so for your significant other.

Honestly, I mean as funny as this sounds, I think a lot of learning to deal with the stuff people like us have to deal with can be summed up as "learning when to listen to the voices and when to tell them to shut up." You can't listen when they try to tell you things like "This person will get sick of you if you keep calling them," or "That person is never going to like you" or things like that. On the other hand, I always listen when they say things like "You're friend seems down, you should ask if they need to talk," or "LET'S BURN THINGS!" or "STAB THAT STRANGER!" or "I LIKE PUPPIES!" (LOL! Okay, so I must clarify that I am kidding. I don't hear actual voices. ....SHUT UP! I'm not going to tell them that, I don't want them to think I'm actually insane. :-P )

Anyway, back to being serious for a moment....

There's also nothing wrong with you asking for what you want. In other words, if you'd like to talk to your fella at least once a day, just ask if that would be okay. In fact, don't even approach the subject with him as though you think you two don't talk enough. Just make it a real casual sort of "You know, I miss when we don't talk every day. Would you mind if we have at least a daily phone call? It doesn't have to be anything super long, but I'd love just hearing your voice once a day."

There's really nothing wrong with that, and that way you don't approach it like "Why don't we talk enough?" you just approach it in a way to show that you would like to talk more, but you don't necessarily consider it too much of a concern when you don't.

Good luck to you in your continued struggles. Like I said dealing with issues like you and I do is never easy, but it is worth the fight. We are survivors, dagnabbit!