Question about proposing.

[MarcTr]

I have been dating my GF for 4 years now. She has been married before and her Ex was a horrible person and got a 16 year old pregnant.

Because of this she has stated that she never wants to marry again.

I love her and really want to propose.

How do I approach this?

I am unsure of how to proceed.

[breathe123]

You could always go ahead & do what you want & be prepared for a no if she really meant never again but don't go in thinking she'll say no, make it special to her likes & very romantic. Good luck.

What did you have in mind to do, just curious?

[basilandthyme]

Please don't propose to a woman who doesn't want to be proposed to. You're making this all about your needs and not respecting what she wants for herself.

There are a number of reasons people don't marry

I have been married previously and won't ever marry again. It's not because he was an arsehole - it's because I've realised that I will never again make the promise of "till death do us part" because I know now that I have limitations on what behaviour I will accept. If a guy knew this about me and proposed anyway, I'd think poorly of him for asking me to commit to an institution which I no longer believe in. That being said, I'm very happy to live defacto and have been doing so with a wonderful man for over 20 years now.

As an alternative to the above, I've heard many people say "I never want to get married (again)" and then they find Mr/Ms Perfect and change their minds very quickly. Honestly, I've seen this happen more times than I could count. It could simply be that you're not the One.

However, if the reason she doesn't want marriage is truly because she is so damaged, then she has no business getting married again until she's done the counselling and hard work to face a new marriage with a positive attitude. What is she doing to get over her issues.

Lastly, Breathe says that if you do propose to make it romantic. I'd put the caveat that it should only be romantic if she's a romantic girl. Some girls cringe at romance and would much prefer a casual "hey, do you reckon we should get married?" And some other girls feel that marriage should be the result of a discussion of equals and not at the request of the man.

Tricky stuff is this marriage business.

[Resessions]

Ok, I'm going to say this on my own personal experience. I married a man that I didn't know at the time was an ass. After I divorced him I said hundreds of times that I wouldn't let another man get that close much less marry one. Now, I cannot say that because well... look where I'm talking to you at. How long ago was it that she told you she did not want to marry again? If that was recently, then I would definitely hold off on getting on one knee in front of her. If it was when you first met her or several years ago I would suggest getting her view on it now. (People do change their minds on things like that.) If she still has the same view then I would say it's time for you to consider yourself and what you want in life. Would you be ok continuing on in life as things are without resenting her if the two of you were to not get married? Or is marriage a deep value to you that you definitely want? Sorry if it isn't what you wanted to hear but I hope that it helps.

[basilandthyme]

Resessions raises a good point about the timing of when your girlfriend said didn't want to marry again. If it was years ago, she may well have changed her mind since then. If it was recently, then hold off till she gets herself sorted out.

[mariawalker]

It will take some time to change her mind. Be genuine with her. If she need moral support then give it.

[megvoh]

We say lots of things when hurt that can change later on, ask one of her siblings or best friends if that is how she really feels before doing anything.

[MarcTr]

I had a whole day planned out. She loves little romantic things. So, I thought I start before she even awoke. Its been a few years since she mentioned it but she was adamant at the time. I am Greek and as a culture, marriage is important. But not important enough to lose her. If it came down to it, I rather live with her forever then lose her with a "No" answer.

It may sound corny but I wouldn't know what to do without her (she's my first thought in the morning kind of thing).

[basilandthyme]

I really think you need to have a conversation before you propose. If you were to propose and she didn't want marriage, it would evidence how little you know or understand her.

[IndiReloaded]

Ah yes. I'm a veteran of the 20 year "am *I* crazy?" marriage/divorce experience, I also said I would never remarry...

People who marry once tend to make the leap again (hope dies last, I guess, lol). My guess is she has a reset button, it will just take time and love for you to find hers. If she is completely adamant about not remarrying you then you may need to consider the following:

1. She's not that into you (you'll have to face this if you are in the same boat a year from now).

2. She has some psych scarring from her last marriage, which would have to have been abusive to produce a strong allergy to marriage. Have her seek counselling in this case.

Overall, however, I simply advise continuing to woo her (make sure she *knows* you want to marry her), and patience.

- - - Updated - - -

We say lots of things when hurt that can change later on, ask one of her siblings or best friends if that is how she really feels before doing anything.

This^ is also good advice.

[MarcTr]

Thanks for the help. I am going to try and talk with her about it.