Is my husband or me?

[Grace8706]

Hello everyone, this is my first post and I am really seeking some needed advice. My husband and I have been married for about eight months and have had a lot of trouble with conflict. To give some background without boring you, I am eight years older than him and we got married after dating just a short time. We both just felt it was right. However, with a few months, a pattern established itself. He is a wonderful, loving husband most of the time. Then I do, or don't do something he wants, and he turns almost mean. As in he says he hates me, doesn't want to support me, doesn't want to be seen with me, that I'm dumb and stupid, etc. it is such a change from the man who just a day earlier said he was so happy to have married me and that I was the perfect wife for him.

The latest incident has me baffled. We recently moved to a new city in order find jobs as we both lost them. I found a job quickly and have been working for several months. He has struggled on the other hand so I am solely supporting us right now. Yesterday he asked me to lie to my work and pretend to be sick so I could go look for jobs with him. (I have already missed a week this month due to the flu) He threatened that this would prove how much I loved him. If I went, I didn't love him. Well, I told him that I was not going to lie and that I wanted to go to work, not because I didn't love him, but because it is what I felt was right. He grew very angry and stated that he wasn't going to support me ever again, that I didn't love him, and that he was not going to use any of his money for me, just him. And that I had to take care of myself.
Logic tells me that he is just angry and that he will get over this in a few days like he usually does. He has been far more angry and has threatened to leave me during earlier incidents. After a few days, he then comes back and says how wonderful I am and that he has never loved anyone as much as me.

Well, there is most of the story. Sorry it's long, but what do I do?

[Wakeup]

... Again I have to ask: What does love have to do with it?

The fact is that he is abusive, immature, paranoid, controlling, disrespectful, spiteful, unable to be logical and only loves you when he feels you're totally devoted to him. I suspect that he would meet the majority of the criteria to be considered Boarderline Personality Disordered. Google it and see if he matches most of the symptoms.

Anyway... neither here nor there. What is relevant is that you get away from him before your own self-worth is whittled down to zero and you therefore feel you are trapped and couldn't possibly be independent and be able to live happily and financially secure.

If you're not just a troll then get yourself away from him, get your own personal therapy (because obviously there is something missing in you to get so involved so quickly with someone you don't even know to the point of isolating yourself for/with him) and then instead of just leaving him on the first signs of his abusive of you, you need to come to strangers to ask them what you should do. ANYONE who had a good sense of self-worth, self-respect and love of self would immediately know what to do (leave him) without getting the answer from a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Let us know what your plans are to get out once you've made them by finding an affordable place for you to live and then you've found the good sense to leave.

[eve.ashley]

Hello everyone, this is my first post and I am really seeking some needed advice. My husband and I have been married for about eight months and have had a lot of trouble with conflict. To give some background without boring you, I am eight years older than him and we got married after dating just a short time. We both just felt it was right. However, with a few months, a pattern established itself. He is a wonderful, loving husband most of the time. Then I do, or don't do something he wants, and he turns almost mean. As in he says he hates me, doesn't want to support me, doesn't want to be seen with me, that I'm dumb and stupid, etc. it is such a change from the man who just a day earlier said he was so happy to have married me and that I was the perfect wife for him.

The latest incident has me baffled. We recently moved to a new city in order find jobs as we both lost them. I found a job quickly and have been working for several months. He has struggled on the other hand so I am solely supporting us right now. Yesterday he asked me to lie to my work and pretend to be sick so I could go look for jobs with him. (I have already missed a week this month due to the flu) He threatened that this would prove how much I loved him. If I went, I didn't love him. Well, I told him that I was not going to lie and that I wanted to go to work, not because I didn't love him, but because it is what I felt was right. He grew very angry and stated that he wasn't going to support me ever again, that I didn't love him, and that he was not going to use any of his money for me, just him. And that I had to take care of myself.
Logic tells me that he is just angry and that he will get over this in a few days like he usually does. He has been far more angry and has threatened to leave me during earlier incidents. After a few days, he then comes back and says how wonderful I am and that he has never loved anyone as much as me.

Well, there is most of the story. Sorry it's long, but what do I do?

your husband is controlling, abusive, and manipulative.

you should get as far away from his as possible.

you should also start therapy to see why is his behaviour even remotely acceptable for you.

why did you stay with him even 8 months...

all of us really can benefit from therapy. nothing bad can come out of it.

[basilandthyme]

Sweetie, he says he hates you and doesn't want to support you. Grant him his wish for a divorce. I know he takes it back eventually, but I'm firm in the belief that people say what they think.

Be thankful that you're employed and can support yourself.....and just leave him to figure out his own life.