Dating guy that doesn't seem to want sex or a relationship... What is his deal?!

[cheeky&sexy]

Hi guys,

Firstly please don't pre-judge me by my username haha, I made it a few years ago.

Ok so I am very confused with this guy I've been dating for 3.5 months, and I would really appreciate some male advice. The first month he was extremely interested, I saw him twice a week and he messaged me a lot every day. The past 2.5 months his been hot and cold with me, but he still consistently makes plans with me each week. Sometimes only once a week, but I'd say more often twice a week.

These are my concerns:

1. He has never tried to have sex with me. We've been doing everything but intercourse for what feels like forever now. The past month I feel he has avoided any situation where sex could occur. I haven't initiated because whenever I feel ready, he distances himself and then when I see him I don't feel comfortable doing it anymore.

2. He's been hot and cold in terms of his communication with me in between dates for the past 2 or so months. Some weeks he contacts me a LOT, then other weeks I'll barely hear from him. More and more frequently he leaves me hanging in text conversations, so I feel like I have to wait until he contacts me next. I've noticed he tends to pull away more after a really great date, or a really great couple of weeks, when it feels like things are progressing towards a relationship.

3. About 5 weeks ago my friend discovered he had reactivated his dating profile, but he deactivated it immediately after she viewed his profile. I decided not to mention it and he was clearly freaking out about it, as he messaged me first thing the next morning and really lifted his game the next 3 weeks.

4. He met my parents a while ago and it didn't appear to freak him out, it was all good. I still haven't met his parents (who he lives with) and he still keeps me separate from the rest of his life.

We are both shy and reserved people, so we've been moving slowly and never talk about any touchy subjects. I keep meaning to bring these things up but I chicken out. So this brings me to the present week.. We went on a dinner date Monday night and he seemed to be in a really sweet mood, we opened up more about our past and how shy we both were with the opposite sex growing up. I thought we were connecting and he didn't seem to want the date to end, it took a while to stop kissing and actually say goodbye. I could see that he was really into me. He messaged me Tuesday night and we exchanged a few texts before he left me hanging and I haven't heard from him since (it's Friday afternoon). Maybe I'm overreacting but I've been dating this guy 3.5 months and his gone MIA like this several times now after a great date! Every time I think his lost interest he ends up asking me out again, but every time I still freak out that maybe his disappearing for good.

I'm sure a conversation about everything will happen soon, but I'd really appreciate some male perspectives first because I have no idea how to approach this. I've really fallen for this guy but I just don't understand, he doesn't seem ready for sex or a relationship.. So what is he even doing with me?! Is he dating other girls and just using me until someone better comes along?

[basilandthyme]

Rather than wondering what he's doing with you, how about questioning why you're with him if he doesn't meet your needs. Dating is about finding Mr Right. And if you can't read or understand him, plus he's flaky, then he's not Mr Right.

A thing worth saving wouldn't leave you feeling so uneasy and confused.

[cheeky&sexy]

Thanks for your reply. I have only just started asking myself that question this week. It's difficult because while my post only focused on the negative aspects, in a lot of ways I do feel he is Mr Right, if we could get past this stage. The first few weeks just seemed so perfect that it's hard to believe he isn't Mr Right, when I thought he was. But you do make a good point, my needs are definitely not being met.

[basilandthyme]

Cheeky, any half decent bloke seems like Mr Right in those first few weeks It's when the attraction is fuelled with hormones and pheremones and general excitement. But it's a trick of the brain. What really counts is what you're left with after that stage dies down.

Does he know you want sex? Have you ever told him in the midst of fooling around "I want to fvck you so bad"? Not that this solves the problem of him being flaky.

[cheeky&sexy]

You're probably right haha

I haven't made it 100% obvious that I want sex, I haven't verbalised it. I've been meaning to tell him I want to have sex while we're fooling around for the past 4 weeks!! But he keeps wanting to meet in public places and his car has been getting fixed for a while now, so I haven't been able to invite him over, and there's no privacy at his place. Considering I have had to initiate every sexual thing that has occurred up until now, I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the idea that his been waiting for me to initiate sex. I've just never dated a guy like this and he makes me feel rejected, like I have to chase him for sex because he doesn't express his desire for it?! In his mind he could think he's being a gentlemen by waiting? I hope I'm not turning him off or boring him by NOT initiating sex, considering I've been wanting it for months. Maybe having sex would solve all our problems, may as well try it and then if it doesn't get better at least I got finally some action and then I can move on partly satisfied haha. I'd much rather have sex than not regardless of the outcome!

[bulrush]

First, not every guy will initiate PIV sex. In your post it sounds like he is doing all the work, and you are doing none of it. So it sounds like he is receiving the message that you clearly are not interested in him, but he keeps trying to rekindle interest.

Second, since he keeps thinking you are not that into him, he just doesn't want PIV sex in that context. So, it does make sense to me. He also might be religious and/or he's not ready for PIV sex.

So, in that context, it does make sense to me.

1. He might be giving you a lazy test, which you utterly failed but he's hoping you come around or,
2. He's religious and/or not ready for PIV sex.

[cheeky&sexy]

Hey, I appreciate your response, it is really interesting to hear that he may actually be thinking the same as I am. I realise I come off lazy in my OP, there's just SO much I could say but I don't want to write so much that people won't read it. I do initiate communication with him frequently as well, however because he leaves me hanging in text messages I usually wait for him to initiate the next time, rather than double messaging, which results in him initiating more. I admit he does initiate most dates, but I do sometimes too. I'm planning to message him soon because I'm considering what you're saying, and giving him the benefit of the doubt as he is busy and mentioned getting sick last time.

He is religious, but he only goes to church like 2 or 3 times a year to my knowledge. He doesn't seem like a 'no sex before marriage' type of guy, but he doesn't drink and seems to have good morals, so he could be a 'no sex before relationship' type of guy. If he's not ready for sex that's okay with me, I guess I'm just trying to figure out why he doesn't seem to want to move things forward, and I thought maybe it's the lack of sex.

What would you suggest I do, other than contact him, which I am about to do?

[Wakeup]

I suggest that you ask to meet him at his house so that you can establish whether or not he's married or otherwise committed. You have been seeing him on and off for three months with no commitment, no sex, no introduction to his friends or family and zero attempts at actually getting to know you as you live your life.

All that may not be anything to worry about but it may also be something you should be at least wondering about.

Does he always come to your part of town when he takes you out or have you been to where his hang-outs are at least some of the time?

Why has his car been out of service and he hasn't had it fixed immediately?
Does he ever have prime date night meets with you (like Saturdays or holidays) or are his dates always mid-week?

Sorry for all the questions but something sounds fishy in Denmark. I don't think he's thinking you're uninterested... I think if you're doing everything in the car but screw him (are you?) then he's quite fine without actual intercourse. Have you been doing sexual acts with him that don't include intercourse but oral/hands/etc?

How old are the two of you?

[cheeky&sexy]

I have met him at his house a few times, been inside twice, the last time was Valentines Day though which was a long time ago. He lives with his parents and grandpa, it's obvious by the house and his bedroom that no other girl is living with him. Both times I went to his house his parents weren't home and I feel like he avoids me meeting them, I have met his grandpa though. He is a professional basketball player, he knows I love and used to play, he knows I would come watch him play, but he never invites me to the games, which I suspect is because his family always goes. I'm concerned he thinks they won't approve of me and I'm trying to think of the reasons why; I'm not Catholic, we are a different race, I'm 6 years younger and still studying (his 31, I'm 25), his family is very wealthy and mine are middle class. I know it sounds bad his that age living at home but he has multiple investment properties and I think in his family they don't move out until marriage. He told me he broke up with his ex of many years because his family didn't like her, so I thought maybe his just scared about it.

He took his car to get fixed early last week and when we spoke on Tuesday about it he said they've serviced it but still can't work out why his car keeps beeping. I don't believe he's lying as since he hasn't had the car I met him at his place and he met me in his mum's car too.

In terms of prime date nights.. the first 2 months we had dates on just about every Saturday night and then 1 midweek. Since then I haven't seen him on the weekend, because the basketball season started up again and he tells me he has basketball stuff (games and coaching, which are his 2 jobs) on literally the entire weekend every weekend. He has a game most Saturday nights, which I know is true as this information is easily accessible online. His typically only free until 4pm most weekdays, which suits me as a uni student and I also work at 4, so it's kinda perfect but I can see may look suss. He brought me into his basketball world once recently though, we coached kids at his basketball camp together for a day.

We do everything else whenever we have the privacy, yes, oral and hands, and it's clear from these experiences he is very sexually attracted to me. We've been completely naked in my room twice when no one was home and did everything but sex. The first time I didn't want to have sex because he had been distant and I hadn't seen him in over a week.. so I felt like it'd be really desperate to initiate sex. The second time I was going to initiate sex but I chickened out. He seems kinda... well, innocent and I always have to take the lead... it's like he seems almost nervous I don't know if he is confident and ready for sex.

UPDATE: I messaged him last night and he replied instantly with a long message, in which he said he was really sick.. but still sounds he has been well enough to do his regular schedule and socialise. His second message was long too and he seemed happy to hear from me. So then I asked him what he was doing this weekend (tomorrow is a public holiday so I know there's no basketball), and he said tomorrow he is busy with his mum's birthday and recovering cause he has basketball all day Sunday. At least he didn't lie and say he had basketball on the public holiday.. and I can understand him not wanting to get me sick.. but he didn't even ask what I was doing on the weekend or ask me any more questions. I sent him a short message back and I didn't really want to end the convo so soon so I asked if he got his car back yet... no response. I'm sure today he'll tell me he fell asleep but he was on Facebook chat for ages, so now I feel like I was just annoying him with my messaging. I'll cut him some slack for being sick and probably tired and grumpy.. but every single time a guy doesn't want to see me anymore, they fade me out by telling me they're sick for weeks.

[basilandthyme]

I do initiate communication with him frequently as well, however because he leaves me hanging in text messages I usually wait for him to initiate the next time, rather than double messaging, which results in him initiating more. I admit he does initiate most dates, but I do sometimes too. I'm planning to message him soon because I'm considering what you're saying, and giving him the benefit of the doubt as he is busy and mentioned getting sick last time.

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like you're planning on discussing this with him over messaging? Hon, if this is your primary method of communication, it's no surprise at all that communication is failing.

Important discussions need to be had face to face. Frankly, MOST discussions (even unimportant ones) need to be had face to face. Messaging does not a relationship make.

Wakeup is also onto something. I agree it's imperative that you rule out that he's hiding something. If he won't introduce you to his friends and family after all this time, something is up.

[cheeky&sexy]

Sorry I left that unclear, I would only talk about it face to face. That's why it's taken me so long, because I don't want to discuss it over messaging but I tend to chicken out in person.

You're right in that he is hiding something, I'm just not sure if it's innocent or what. Last week his guy friend kept trying to call him.. and eventually I was like 'maybe you should just call him back, it could be important'. So he did and the call wasn't on speaker but his friend was speaking so loud I could hear parts of the conversation. When the guy I'm seeing said he's got to go now because he's with a girl, the friend said "Are you with your girlfriend?" and he smiled, I think knowing I could hear, and goes "nah...", I mean we haven't had that convo so what else is he going to say? Then his guy friend got really intense and was all, "Why didn't you just tell me you were with your girlfriend?" and started firing all these questions at him aggressively like "how long have you been seeing this girl?" and i think something along the lines of, "we're meant to be mates why don't you tell me you have a girlfriend?" and he goes "I'm really frustrated now..." then said "you just look like an asshole" and was rambling on and on about something I couldn't hear. It was so strange and the guy I'm dating was just really unresponsive to his friend. I honestly think my mind tuned out at a certain point because I was scared of what I may actually hear. The guy I'm dating didn't look like he'd been caught out or anything.. and he always has his phone in my view so it doesn't seem like his hiding something. But ever since then I've been wondering if there is another girl that his friend was referring to, or if his friend was angry knowing his dating multiple girls, or if his friend is clueless, or if they've talked about me. It was just really weird, I don't know if it means anything :/

[Wakeup]

Well, if you're doing everything but intercourse then you're still having sex. I wonder if he'd even bother contacting you or seeing you if you were not giving him head?

I hate to say it but frankly, he doesn't sound all that "in love."

Why don't you just go to one of his games? Not bother telling him you're going and just show up and scout out who is also there to watch him? Take a girlfriend and observe.

He was home sick and he didn't even use his telephone to call you and whine? I don't know one husband or actual boyfriend that wouldn't milk an illness for sympathy/cuddles/home made chicken soupy... even the most manly man becomes 12 when he's not feeling well. lol

I say don't put all your eggs in his basket. He doesn't sound very promising as a LIFEmate. Imagine how childish he is if he's actually that dumb to tell you he left a WIFE because his parents didn't like her... WTF? I'd have not gone out with him again just because he'd admit to being that callous not to mention still being brought up by his parents at the age of 31. pffft.

Did you not find the fact that he'd do that to be off-putting?

- - - Updated - - -

Just read your update after I posted... I'd be concerned that he has another BOYfriend. that was a rather odd and intense conversation for a simple "pal" to be having... conjecture I know but WTF?

On Edit: Sorry... just reread what you said and he left a girlfriend (not wife) because his parents didn't like her... not quite as bad as leaving a wife. O.o

[cheeky&sexy]

Just read your update after I posted... I'd be concerned that he has another BOYfriend. that was a rather odd and intense conversation for a simple "pal" to be having... conjecture I know but WTF?

Omg this is hilarious hahahaha! The guy did sound extremely defensive about it, it was crazy. After he hung up the phone I was like, 'that was intense...' and he agreed.

Well, I don't give him head all the time and he never asks for it. He gets it on average once every 2 weeks. He often initiates dates where he knows it's not going to happen, like meeting for lunch in a public place.

He plays at a state level, not national, so there's no way I could show up without him seeing me in the crowd and thinking I'm stalking him haha.

I would find the fact he broke up with his ex cause of his family off putting... if it wasn't for the fact that myself and my family DESPISE my brother's girlfriend! So I can kind of see the other side and I'm looking at that from perhaps a biased perspective. Plus he is extremely family oriented and is always spending time with his parents and sister.

You are correct in saying he doesn't seem all that "in love" and I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket. I only did that because it seemed he was doing that for the first month at least.. and now I'm in this situation.

Do you think it sounds like he is legit blowing me off? I mean it's after midday here and he still hasn't responded to a message with a question that I sent at 11pm last night.

I know I'm not selling any of his positive attributes, but he really is an amazing guy with a lot of qualities I look for in a partner. He is very affectionate, nice and quiet, modest, thoughtful, athletic, appears very honest and has an innocence about him. Plus his great with kids, I've seen his compassionate side when we coached together and that really made me fall for him. I thought he didn't care about Valentines Day but he ended up planning a really nice date and surprised me with all these presents. I'm willing to do pretty much whatever it takes to win this guy over and get things back on track.. because when they're good, he makes me so happy. Any suggestions would be appreciated as to how I could turn this around.

[Wakeup]

Then I suggest you have a chat with him when you are in his company and between the two of you figure out what his intentions are and if his schedule will open up any time soon because the time he gives you doesn't seem to be enough for you nor does his lack of keeping in touch. You can discus that too.

I would find the fact he broke up with his ex cause of his family off putting... if it wasn't for the fact that myself and my family DESPISE my brother's girlfriend! So I can kind of see the other side and I'm looking at that from perhaps a biased perspective.

The difference there though is your brother hasn't broken up with her just because you guys don't like her.

I guess I'd actually need to know if your bf's ex was treating him badly as well as his family not liking her before I can really judge him. Right now I'm just basing things on his apparent disregard for his own happiness just to keep his folks happy.

Good luck... Hope you have the convo with him soon because he seems rather indifferent most times only to keep your attention with some hook (like the Valentines thing). Have you had a discussion on "exclusivity" with him yet? I always say once you've seen their genitals and done SOMETHING with them then it's time to talk about giving up (seeing and doing things) other peoples gennies lol.

[cheeky&sexy]

Thanks, I don't even know if I'll be seeing him again to have the talk at this rate. No, we haven't discussed exclusivity or sex, every time I start to get comfortable enough to bring it up because we get closer, he pulls away and is pretty distant for at least a week. This time is the longest time his been distant with me though, his been pretty distant for 2 weeks now, despite having seen him once each week for short dates, so it's not looking good. He never went into detail about his ex and I haven't asked him about it, so I don't know.

So he finally replied to my message at 5.30 in the afternoon, just saying he still doesn't have a car (it's been nearly 2 weeks, come on!) and is still sick. He didn't ask me any questions for the second message in a row, so I just responded with something short, saying I hope he and his car are better soon haha. He didn't try to pick up the conversation and this was Saturday night, so he really doesn't seem to care what I'm up to. At this point, considering how we had a good date Monday and I heard from him Tuesday, I'm betting there's another girl. Call it women's intuition but I can just feel it, and so I'm not going to contact him unless he contacts me, which he probably will, but I also feel like it might be over. I mean we've been dating for over 3.5 months and he doesn't even seem to want to talk to me now?!

Or maybe he's just in the closet or confused about his sexuality.. or he has some sexual hang up he doesn't want to tell me about so he's avoiding sex.. alarm bells are starting to ring in my head!