Dating guy that doesn't seem to want sex or a relationship... What is his deal?!

[Wakeup]

... ...

That's too bad. If he does contact you for another date I'd be finding out what his intentions are for sure. If his issue is just time constraints then I wonder why he is seeking out woman to date at all when he's unable to nurture anything into something of substance .... what a twit. O.o

[cheeky&sexy]

Yeah well I'm not sure if you saw what I edited into my last post. But another consideration is that maybe he has some sexual hang up he doesn't want to tell me about, so is avoiding sex. Or he's in the closet or confused about his sexuality.

I don't know why he is seeking out women to date when his not interested in sex?

Oh well I'm just assuming it's not happening for now and I'll probably find out what the deal is this week!

[fukushima123]

Hello.
From what I've read, this sounds like a guy who has never considered being in a serious relationship much.
Either that or he over thinks things.

I dated a guy during both our early twenties and this sounds similar.
He started out really liking me and I didn't like him for three years and I started warming up to him after a couple years.
I had never had a boyfriend before it was quite new to me.
After confessing to him that I did like him, he almost immediately started distancing himself and that confused me to no end.
Some guys are just interested in the chase.
It sounds to me like this guy physically needs something, but he does not seek you out emotionally.
Maybe find out if he's a momma's boy.
Not that there's anything wrong with being one, but a lot of guys with mother's complex fail to commit because they want someone just like their mom and if you do not resemble their mother, they become doubtful.
It's normally some sort of similar emotional connection that they share with their mother that they seek from their g/f.
Not physical appearance.
I know it's weird.
It may be difficult because he doesn't even let you get close to him.

It sounds like everyone agrees generally that he just isn't serious whatever the reason is.
Something about this just sounds like hide and seek.

[cheeky&sexy]

Hi, thanks for your reply

I would think being 31 he would have considered wanting to settle down, but maybe not with me, as what seems to be clear to everyone here is he's not that serious about me. He said his last girlfriend he dated for a few years, they broke up over a year ago. I know he is an over thinker, I tend to date a lot of these and they do my head in!! He tells me he often can't sleep at night cause he can't stop thinking.

That's so weird about the guy you dated! I can't stand it when guys lose interest when the chase is over, and I'm wondering if that's what's happened with my guy.

You're right in saying he does not seek me out emotionally. He never tries to ask me any deep questions and he never leans on me or really confides much in me at all. He doesn't let me in, so I haven't opened up much to him either. It's so hard to get close to him, when every time we get closer he backs off. And we had a minor deeper conversation on our last date.. now he's MIA after we actually connected more on an emotional level.

He is a momma's boy haha his European and I'm sure she takes care of him at home. That's an interesting theory hmmm.

It is like hide and seek argh!! I'm coming to terms now that a relationship with him just probably isn't going to happen. Unless his just being a massive sook because his sick! Or just scared of commitment! I will have to talk to him this week and find out.

[Wakeup]

But another consideration is that maybe he has some sexual hang up he doesn't want to tell me about, so is avoiding sex.

I think that's not the case. You two are doing everything but intercourse so he's got no hang ups about "sex" you are having sex ~ you're just not having Intercourse/penetrative sex.

He may still be a virgin and he's saving penetration until marriage. ????? Something you'd have to ask him and hopefully he'd be honest to you about it.

[IndiReloaded]

An alternative POV:

You mention he comes from wealth. You have sex, but not intercourse. Have you considered he avoids intercourse b/c he doesn't want to risk a pregnancy with you? Some women try to snag rich husbands (or at least child support) this way.

Regarding his family, right or wrong, wealthy families tend to look for 'equals' as spouses for their children (whatever that means to them). This is not a reflection about you, btw, just an explanation for how some people think. This may be another reason for his avoiding an introduction.

[cheeky&sexy]

He may still be a virgin and he's saving penetration until marriage. ?????

I have considered this, but at 31 with his last relationship being a long one, I just don't see how this could be possible. However, his not the most confident guy, like I said earlier I have to take the lead and he seems borderline nervous/inexperienced. Like, when we're both naked I feel he is a little shy and intimidated, despite him being the better looking one. So there's still a slight chance this could be true.


IndiReloaded:

I see where you're coming from and am well aware of this. I've had a guy I had amazing chemistry with pass me up for another rich girl like himself. It sucks because my family actually do have money, but where we live just makes us look kinda poor, so I feel like this handicaps my dating life as people judge your wealth by your house. His family aren't that rich, his parents don't have professional careers, so I didn't think it would be a real issue as he is very down to earth. I think he knows I'm not a gold digger, as he is very open to me about his money, when he has none and when he has heaps, he likes to talk about his cash flow all the time even when I never ask about it?! People always tend to mistake me for a wealthy girl, just based on how I speak and carry myself, and I wear expensive clothes. So his parents would have no idea I wasn't as wealthy, until things came serious, but even then my parents have money. He was surprised when he came to my house, as they always are, but his come over a few times since. He knew I felt insecure about it and he made me feel comfortable. He's met my parents too and got along fine with them, my parents are very nice and well mannered too. Money aside, this guy is an outstanding athlete, one of the very best basketball players in the state and I am just an average girl. We've been dating nearly 4 months though and he came to my house sometime in the second month!! Why would he continue to lead me on for so long if this wealth factor was such an issue? Maybe it's just the whole package and he thinks he's too good for me, based on his money, looks and athleticism.

If I don't hear from him in the next couple of days I'll send him a message asking how he is feeling. He is sick after all, he might think I don't really care and we have been dating almost 4 months, so if the case is he is just sooking and feeling sorry for himself cause of his 'man flu', it's worth sending one more message. But it doesn't change the fact that for whatever reason he doesn't want to make me his girlfriend, maybe he is embarrassed by me.. sigh.

[IndiReloaded]

I've always been of the opinion that a man who is truly interested in a lady will hustle for her. Consider that an entitled mindset might go beyond someone's material means.

It sounds like the wealth disparity may indeed be an issue. It sounds like you are keenly aware of the issue, so I don't have much more to add except it is like any preference: if it is already an issue when dating, it won't likely improve with time.

My advice is to let this guy go, since he's not working that hard to keep you. Find someone who wants and loves who you are, not what you have.

[cheeky&sexy]

I honestly don't believe it has been an issue with this guy, besides me being nervous and embarrassed the first time he came over. However, I can see that he might think if things were to become serious in the future that it could become an issue. I don't believe it would even be his issue personally. But maybe he thinks it would be an issue for his parents and he doesn't want to go through another relationship where he feels his parents won't approve. Maybe he feels he has been protecting me by not introducing us, his parents sound very strong willed and intimidating. It sucks because I know the wealth disparity is not as much as it appears from the outside, I know the lengths my parents would go to as well. But I will never get the chance to explain all of this, because he's far too nice to tell me if this is the reason.

Oh well there's nothing I can do, I can't control it, and your last line is the sad truth I have to accept. I will still ask him how his feeling as a last attempt, if I don't hear in the next couple of days, but after that I'll be done if he doesn't step up. It's just so strange to think that our last date could be the last time I ever see him. He was so sweet, so into me and really didn't want to leave.

[IndiReloaded]

Money aside, this guy is an outstanding athlete, one of the very best basketball players in the state and I am just an average girl.

I found your bolded statement above, along with your other comments about his family, a bit disturbing. Which made me realize your posts are not really about this guy.

I think one of the hardest lessons for young women to learn is that *you get what you ask for in life*.

Have confidence is yourself, who you are and where you are going in life. You are young, and bright with a lot to offer. Instead of focussing on whether you are "good enough" (for the right boy, job, neighbourhood), focus on the kind of person you want to be and the kind of contribution you will make in your life. Then make choices that will get you what you want. This will help you develop confidence and, by extension, will help you attract the kind of partner you deserve. Along with many other worthy things in life.

Good luck.

[cheeky&sexy]

Thank you for the advice, you're right in that I am lacking in confidence and I seek confidence from external sources (like guys) rather than internally. I need to work on it!

UPDATE: He actually messaged me tonight.. I'm pretty surprised. He sounds like he has just been feeling sorry for himself for being sick! But I'm not going to be naive.

[cheeky&sexy]

Lol, so it seems I have just been paranoid as he is feeling better now and asked me out for both Thursday and Friday. All this stress over lack of communication! This has taught me a lot about the importance of communication haha. Thanks again all!

[Wakeup]

Speaking about "communication."

Are you going to have a discussion with him about when he'll be ready to introduce you to his world? Or, are you just going to keep coasting until your angst ridden again due to his apathy which will continue on until he makes you feel content again with a bit more of his company?

I think its great that he's asked to see you again (as you obviously do) but when he slacks off again you'll be wondering everything that you came here wondering about once again... IF you don't have some sort of discussion about what it is YOU want... Not so much about what it is he isn't giving you. Subtle but important difference. How can he give you what you want if he thinks you're content with what you're getting?

I ask: Why oh why are so many woman afraid to ask for what they want and so they continue on in the same way they came here to get answers on just because he has graced them with his company once more? O.o (not saying you're going to do that, cheeky. Just sayin.)

[cheeky&sexy]

You're right, it has been a pattern with him, some weeks he's hot and I'm content, and other weeks he's cold and slacks off. So I know if we don't have a conversation soon, I'll probably be in the same situation again, as this cycle has repeated about 4 times now. I see what you're saying and I'm aware that I need to tell him what my needs are and that I do want a relationship, rather than coasting and risking another more forward girl getting him first. The problem is just the timing doesn't seem ideal.. because what I want is commitment, but I don't think I'm going to get that with how things are at the moment. I want things to be at their peak again, or at least good, so that I feel more confident I'll get a positive outcome when having this conversation. Every time I am ready to have 'the talk', he goes distant! It's like he knows exactly the right moments to pull back, which shows me his not ready for commitment yet. I'm willing to wait a bit longer for him to come around, but I won't wait too long. I'll initiate the talk soon when I'm feeling comfortable. In the mean time, I'm trying to think of baby steps to improve our lines of communication (eg. talking on the phone more).

I'm thinking of leading in soon with a talk about sex, as that's been the major elephant in the room for a long time. Starting with a sex talk might be an easier lead in to a talk about commitment, without me asking for commitment on the spot. If I can get him to come over Friday, and everything but sex happens again, I'm definitely going to bring it up in a gentle way and just explain that I want the timing to be right for sex etc. And then judging from his response about sex, I'll probably have a better idea on his thoughts on commitment.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm thinking of leading in soon with a talk about sex, as that's been the major elephant in the room for a long time. Starting with a sex talk might be an easier lead in to a talk about commitment, without me asking for commitment on the spot.

Why is it that some women think that sex is always the answer to snagging a man?

I'm going to tag-team/preempt WU on this. Sex is NOT your main issue, so stop hiding behind it.

Ask him outright if he wants to be your committed BF and, if so, tell him you'd like to do the things this entails like meeting his parents, your respective friends, etc. If he balks at this, then you don't need to waste your time about sex b/c "he just isn't that into you".