My wife wants a divorce

[avii89]

I am not even sure where to start with this, it is probably one of the stranger stories that you will read on this forum - or perhaps even the strangest thing you have ever read or heard of. Where should I start...

Me and my wife lived together for 3 1/2 years before we got married, we have now been married for 6 months. We have had a good relationship – although last year in January she asked for some space as she was unsure about us, so I backed off and gave her space... she contacted me 3 weeks later and said that she missed me so much, we got back together and everything was great.

First, we went to the registry office (due to the fact that her mother is a Muslim) followed by going to the mosque. We then waited another 2 months and had our big church ceremony (which was a Christian blessing (her father is Irish - her mum is Sudanese, it is an interesting mix). The church ceremony was exactly 3 months ago.

About a month and a half ago she said she was unsure about us and if she is still attracted to me, she then took this back and said she didn't really mean it... so I brushed it off (how stupid was I?) and continued to act as though everything was ok. I smoke weed at weekends which she doesn't like – and apparently in between the time she told me this and now – I got worse and more distant toward her which has now resulted in her wanting a divorce. I have absolutely no problem stopping the weed – and working hard to resolve our issues, but I fear it is to late for this now.

Another reason behind this (beside me smoking weed and being distant, which I don't entirely agree with) is because she went to Sudan a month after our church ceremony and saw her cousin (who proposed to her when she was 16, over 10 years ago) and suddenly realized that she has strong feelings for him. Ever since she returned from Sudan she has been constantly messaging all her different cousins on whatsapp, calling them and talking in Arabic, and listening to Arabic music. I am quite convinced that she has been brainwashed.

What I don't understand is why she decided to marry me, and is now deciding to throw me away in SUCH a small amount of time. She doesn't even know her cousin very well, she has barely spent any time with him to develop any real feelings and I think that she is acting on pure impulse at the moment.

Let me point out that she was never particularly religious before this, and never practiced anything and would often drink wine as she returned from work.

As you can imagine, I am devastated - but at the same time I am very angry as well... and I think that she is handling this situation like a child, almost every person I have spoke to about this always asks: "how old is she?!"... well she is 26, and should be emotionally mature enough to know what she is doing.

She moved out of our place a week ago saying that she needed space, so this is exactly what I am giving her, and in this time has sent her friend over while I was at work to collect the majority of our things and put them into our car (which her dad gave us as a wedding gift). What makes this situation very hard is that she has just finished her job and is going to move to her parents, before starting her new job in a different city (this was always going to be the plan anyway, and I was going to move there with her after she has spent some time with her family).

She has agreed to go to relationship counselling, but she is being very vague because she has said that she will need to see how work is going before she can confirm if she will attend or not. If she doesn't I will go by myself to sort my head out.

I am pretty sure that in the long run she will see that she has made a big mistake... She is pursuing a career in England, as a lawyer... so there is no way she would be able to have a relationship with her cousin over in Sudan and maintain her career... she is living in a fantasy world in my opinion.

I wanted to add that she is actually a very intelligent woman, but I think that she is extremely confused right now. She wants to be closer to her mother, which would explain the sudden religious beliefs.

What do you make of this situation? It is really painful because we have spent the last 4 years sharing the same bed – I would wake up with her every morning... and now she is gone... it is killing me inside. I can't believe this is happening and I don't know if I should hold on any more – it might just result in more pain (as the first time she asked for space was already painful enough, now she is doing it again).

We have to be married for another 6 months (as its the law to be married for at least 1 year in the UK). So I think all I can do right now is give her space and focus on myself – while she tries to figure out what is going on in her mind – although right now she is very determined she wants a divorce.

[Wakeup]

She is pursuing a career in England, as a lawyer...

Would she have to have been married to a UK Citizen in order to be able to practice?

[basilandthyme]

I would guess that she married you for the right to work in the UK - but misses her home live and loves in Sudan.

Be careful to not be taken advantage of.

[avii89]

What you suspect adds to my thought that she is very confused.

She 100% already had a UK passport when I met her, her father is from the UK and she moved to england when she was 13 (13 years ago). There was no other reason for her to marry me other then the fact that she loved me - and wanted a family with me, she would always speak about how amazing our children would look and got excited about the fact that they might have green or blue eyes.

Actually, two months ago she thought she might be pregnant, and was very disappointed when she found out that she wasn't which further adds to my confusion. This total situation is a complete mind****

She has been in 3 other long-term relationships before me (in england) which is why this whole cousin thing seems even more bizarre, I honestly do not think that she knows what she is doing right now.

She has never lived in sudan, she has only ever gone there for 1 or 2 weeks with years spaced apart between this.

Let me stress, she is a very westernized woman, and just likes the idea of being more cultural to be closer to her mother.

I remember when we got married, people would always comment that she had "done well" as I am reasonably good looking guy (don't want to sound big headed, but friends always tell me I could have done better). But it isn't all about looks, I love her with all my heart and really hope that she soon realizes what a big mistake she is making.

Another factor is that she doesn't believe I am right of her anymore because I do not believe in the Muslim religion... which is actually not true, I just believe that anything is possible and I am open to anything, I do not subscribe myself to anything specific. She has always known this, I don't understand why this is suddenly an issue.

I am thinking that at the moment - space is key, she needs to figure out what she wants.

She has told me she will always love me, but she isn't IN love with me anymore... yet she slept with me after she told me all this and she wanted a divorce... so clearly she is still attracted to me (regardless of what she says).

Over the past month she has given me completely mixed signals, kissing me every morning and saying I love you, wanting to go out together etc., and she said that it wasn't fair on me anymore, so she went to stay at her friends house (I haven't seen her since the 18th of April)

[Wakeup]

She sounds disturbed. (if not mentally screws up, she sounds very conniving)

If one of the reasons that she left you is because (in her mind) she thought you didn't believe in the Muslim religion then Why TF did she marry you? Why didn't she just leave you instead.

She married you for some kind of benefit to her... figure that out and you'll have your answer. You give her a lot of credit for what she has SAID to you that gave you the impression that she loved you. What had she done in actions (other then sex) that showed you that she did?

[IndiReloaded]

Go read the book Love Must be Tough.

Also, I agree w the others that she seems to have married you for motivations beyond love. Are you wealthy?

[avii89]

I am starting to think that she is a psychopath, and that she has some sort of serious mental health issues. She is so determined to get a divorce and completely refuses to go to counseling, she just wants out of this asap without any consideration to how I feel.

I am not that wealthy, when we met I was fresh out of university and she would pay for things etc. so it all started out very genuine, she just really liked me and I really liked her.

I do have a good job now though (and when we got married) so I have been financially supporting her but that is ok, it isn't the end of the world.

Her motivation to marry me I think stems from the fact that her parents were constantly pressuring her into doing it, saying that we could not live together etc. unless we are married, so I think that is the reason. She says "I thought I was sure" and "there was always this little niggling feeling that something wasn't quite right"

Update: She has now said she would try and make it to the counseling, mainly because I said I refuse to go to the mosque or sign anything on saturday unless she comes to counseling first.

I am hoping the counselor will help her realise that she is rushing into this. The ONLY way this could ever work out is if she goes to many counseling sessions and a psychiatrist, otherwise there is no point anymore... saying that hurts but honestly, this situation has gone completely out of control.

[Wakeup]

Best you let her go before you accumulate assets together and she ends up with half (or more) all the while just there and tolerating you.

What is the sense in counselling at this point when you know that she has nothing invested, emotionally wise, in you? You'd do better to go see a lawyer to find out your rights (perhaps you can just have the marriage annulled?) and then to go to your own counselling (if need be) to help you to heal and come to terms with all of this.

Good luck. See that lawyer because something just isn't right here.

[avii89]

The thing is, I know that she did love me. I know that by the way she was with me, doing little things here and there and showing a lot of affection, and she also showed me that she really needed me in her life. However, I did notice a change in her in the last two months prior to her announcing she wanted a divorce... and this is when she stopped being in love with me.

And I don't think I was being very honest earlier, I did smoke an excessive amount of weed (at the weekends, which is when we spent most of our time together), weed makes me very anxious, paranoid and anti-social... so in a way, this is my fault. It broke our communication.

When we first broke-up, I was smoking weed every single day excessively, and before we got back together I promised her that I would never smoke again... then I gradually went back to it and ended up doing it every weekend, so this is why she doesn't believe me anymore... and she thinks its part of who I am.

This time, even if we do not end up back together... I really need to stop doing it, otherwise I will end up miserable, alone and unhappy... this whole thing has made me think in a different way about it and I am more determined then ever to just stop it.

Not saying weed is bad for everyone, its just bad for me - as it affects me in a very negative way compared to other people that do it.

My previous posts were quite angry toward her, so I don't think I painted a proper picture for you.

The counseling was actually extremely helpful, it opened up my eyes and really got her talking and provided a lot of closure. She cried so much in the session which made me realize that she is not a bad person, and that she does feel very bad about what she is doing to me, right now she just doesn't see a way of us being together in the future though.

[IndiReloaded]

Your story is terribly sad, but don't let emotions get in the way of the fact that, when the dust settles, you must protect yourself and your future. Ten years from now, she's gone, you are with a wife and have children who truly love you, you will be glad you did.

[basilandthyme]

Ah, the weed and your out of control emotions. "In a way" this is your fault? Ya think?!! This is one very valid reason for her walking away from you. Your behaviour would very much have contributed to the end of the marriage.

Regarding the counsellor, he/she will start the session by asking you both if you want to work on the marriage. If your wife replies "no", then the counsellor will not advise her further. It's not the counsellor's place to tell a person that they are rushing the decision. And yes, I've been there and done that.

My advice is to work on yourself to be the best you can be. Yes, this woman has chosen to walk away from you - and for good reason. But get yourself sorted out so that you can start new relationships being a solid person.

[avii89]

I totally agree with you, while I shouldn't entirely blame myself, I do need to focus on what I did and how I contributed to making this happen.

Our relationship was the longest that she ever had, and obviously the most serious... so there is a chance we could get back together, but I have let her down.

All the bad things I have said about her above are a direct result of what I did, I need to focus on that if I ever want to see her again.

This will be a good opportunity to focus on myself and improving, she will be staying at her parents house in the countryside and will inevitably start to miss me over the next 3 months. What I got from the counseling is that she will always love me, and that she cares a lot about me... which was comforting and made me cope with this situation a whole lot better.

We actually left things on a very good note at the end of the counseling session, we went for dinner and spoke about the good times in our relationship (and she said as whole, our relationship was really good), we also spoke about work and how our friends are doing. I then took her to the train-station and we hugged goodbye.

We can't get a divorce for another 6 months so there is time to change things for the better... Don't get me wrong, I know that I need to be prepared for the end. But I am going to have a damn good try anyway... I did marry her after all and that isn't something you just let go of.

[Wakeup]

But she knew you smoked weed on the weekends BEFORE she married you so why did she marry you only to want a divorce so soon afterwards? Something is STILL fishy in Denmark.

[IndiReloaded]

We can't get a divorce for another 6 months so there is time to change things for the better... Don't get me wrong, I know that I need to be prepared for the end. But I am going to have a damn good try anyway... I did marry her after all and that isn't something you just let go of.

You are absolutely right not to just give up on marriage. However, too many also stay in zombie marriages for the wrong reasons. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em. Do what you must so that when you do what is needful you can know you did your very best.

I can't recommend strongly enough 2 resources for you: Love Must Be Tough, and the 180 for breakups. Read them, yesterday, and apply the principals. They *might* save your marriage, but they will definitely help to make your divorce more civilized.

[avii89]

But she knew you smoked weed on the weekends BEFORE she married you so why did she marry you only to want a divorce so soon afterwards? Something is STILL fishy in Denmark.

She thought that things would get better if we get married, it was wishful thinking on her part. I got a bit to comfortable and just continued to do the same as always, even though she had made it clear for quite a long time that she needs me to stop.

I can't really say anything other then I was taking her for granted and this was very very foolish of me.

Just ordered love must be tough.

One thing that I can hold on to: The last time I smoked weed, was with her. I can tell her that in a few months.