A little self sabotage

[jyeaa]

Hola senors y senoras. So whatever this is I'm feeling has been months in the making, and its gotten to the boiling point. I feel like I'm imploding. I was with a girl for about a year, things were great, if not a little clingy. We had our issues like any couple, but for the first time in my dating life those issues didn't shadow the good we had together.

We were together for about 7 months when I had to make a move for myself and move about 300 km south. I had these plans in the works since before we were together, and I told her when things began getting serious that I would be moving that August (2014). We carried on, and it was amazing. We chose to stay together when I left, because 300 km really isn't that bad – see each other on weekends, etc. It was okay for a few months, but when I went home for Christmas, it felt like the relationship was heavily strained.

She had asked me about a month before the holidays what I thought of moving in together down south. I was terrified. I'm 26 now and was 25 at that time. Maybe it shouldn't have been such a big deal, but I was so scared to make that kind of decision. I put it off and put it off until she began losing it. I could see a change in her persona – no more happy go lucky, it was all stress and strife, despite her attempts to hide it. This began wearing on me, as I could see scars she had given herself on her arm, and she refused to eat anything. I felt like I was ruining this girl because of my indecision. I began seeing her as an emotional albatross of sorts. A girl that needed constant validation from someone who truthfully had huge problems keeping himself together (me).

I went back south after the holidays, and at the end of January I decided I needed to end it. I was getting frustrated trying to pull her back to reality, and she was so hurt that I couldn't make up my mind, and the fact that I may not have wanted to live with her.

Now here we are 4 months later, after a break up that saw me coldly cut her out of my life. Something I regret enormously. I have been trying so hard every day since I broke up with her to keep myself composed, constantly telling myself I made the right decision. I can no longer keep it up. I want to speak with her so badly, but last time I tried (2.5 months ago) she told me she didn't want to speak.

I sent her an apology letter yesterday. The apology was for the way I behaved towards the end, and how cold I was during our break up. I am really scared of what will happen when that letter reaches her. I would love to try again with her, but am not trying to push for anything.

I truly am not sure why I posted this. I think I just needed to get it out.

If you have anything to say, any advice or criticism, please... tell me.

Thank you.

[blueyedgirl]

Oh sweety I feel so bad for you. I really think this girl had underlying problems with her mental health that had nothing to do with you. You walked away because you had to do it for you and you were her crutch sweety. And honestly its best if you stay apart until she deals with things in her life. Its had but sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is walk away.

[basilandthyme]

Long distance relationships certainly aren't for everyone. She gave it her best shot - but couldn't manage it. As for you not wanting her to move in with you, perhaps your gut was telling you that there were issues which would have made living together unpleasant?

Cutting her out of your life was actually the right thing to do. We can't begin to heal and move on when a person is still linked to us. Trying to stay friends just prolongs the agony.

Short of moving back home - or trying to reconcile and seeing if she still wants to come be with you - there's little that you can do now other than accept and try to move on.

[jyeaa]

Thank you. Its nice to hear that I may have made the right choice. And you're right, she wasn't mentally sound towards the end. But I'm heavily empathetic and I know how it feels to be left behind like that. Really hurts. That, and I know I was a huge factor in her unravelling. Breaks my heart. Regardless, thank you for the reply

[Wakeup]

Well, none of that negates the fact that you did the right thing. Staying and not really wanting to be there or staying and settling for less then you want until you couldn't stand it would have been cruel and selfish.

You've apologized and that's all anyone can do. Now... I just hope she doesn't think you are trying to reconcile and she contacts you with the wrong idea. You were lonely when you sent that without thought of down-the-line repercussions. I hope for both your sakes she just reads it and doesn't even respond to it.

Let it go and get on with being open in mind and heart enough to find someone who doesn't have self-harm issues.

[IndiReloaded]

You did the right thing. Wish that more young people had the strength to do what you did. Breakups aren't evil, especially if you can do it with some empathy.

Her mental issues are hers to deal with. You can be sympathetic/empathetic but in the end we all have to live our own lives, and choose what is best for us.

[TablesandChairs]

You can't be held accountable for her hurting herself, no doubt. I'm not saying she's this massively damaged person beyond repair; it's likely she's a girl who needs to be in close proximity to her partner. A lot of people unravel when it comes to long-distance relationships and even mentally sound people have a hard time with it. She'll find someone closer to home who can offer her the kind of commitment she needs. I have a big guilt complex too but between breaking up with her and leading her on when it was obvious you two were at different stages of readiness in terms of relationship progression - you chose the more decent option. There's seldom a nice way to break up with someone; even the nicest way hurts.