Need Help Processing Her Motive of contacting me after she broke my heart.

[basilandthyme]

I gotta feel deep down that with her being a female she has gotta feel some regret.

How do you see gender and regret as being linked? I'm a woman and this comment rather odd.

[onthemend76]

How do you see gender and regret as being linked? I'm a woman and this comment rather odd.

I just meant that typically I would feel that a woman at her core would possibly cherish the feeling of being loved and shown affection despite this one's seemingly unwillingness to hold onto it. Hence maybe in her core she have some regret, hence again, her behavior. I would just think inherently as a woman what I was giving her interninternally she may have welcomed, but at her age maybe willing to risk me taking a hike.

[basilandthyme]

I think you're over estimating the value of being loved and cherished to a woman. Yes, it's important in a relationship, but it's only a part of the relationship. If the other parts aren't quite right, then no amount of love, care and attention of love will overcome that.

You could have treated her in the most amazing way, but if you weren't the guy for her, she won't regret moving on. Think about your own dating history - I'm sure you've dated girls and women who loved and treated you well but their interests, attitudes, etc etc weren't ones which quite gelled with you. And when you've let them go, you haven't regretted it. At least, this is how it was for me when I was dating. I've never once regretted breaking up with a man - even if he did love and cherish me - because there would have been other reasons why I chose to leave.

It takes far more than having a loving and kind partner to sustain a relationship and keep a person interested. There are so many other facets to our personalities which must also work together.

I know you're desperate to think that her actions are signs that she wants you back. And I understand that you really don't want to let her go. But please don't make the mistake of trying to predict what another person is thinking or feeling or why they are doing bizarre behaviour. Thing is, we'll never get it right and we'll just do our heads in while trying to figure it out. If someone doesn't let us into their mind, the only option we have is to take them at face value.

[fukushima123]

Onthemend76, in summary, sometimes our gut tells us that it's not a good match and it manifests in feeling clingy (also known as denial) when someone is not right for us because it hurts to fall in love with the wrong person and we know that we eventually will have to say goodbye.
I hope you take the time to distance yourself and find someone you really supremely click with.
It won't ever feel that way until you take that first step though.
If you prolong the inevitable, it will only get emotionally messy.

[onthemend76]

You ladies don't give a guy any hope! Lol. Made me cry myself to sleep. �� I am ok with everything. It's just like not kknowing what is in her mind is the hard part. Fyi, we had a lot of positive relationship traits. Other than me being a lap dog. I do understand and hear what you are saying though. I guess I like mysteries, and this is one that I am going to put on the shelf. Maybe I get to pick it back up at some point...maybe not. Thanks!

[TheEvilJester]

I don't think they meant to make it seem hopeless. LOL! They aren't saying anything all that different from what I was. It is entirely possible she just wasn't into you. I said as much. There isn't anything wrong with that. Sometimes two people may both be awesome people and may both treat each other very lovingly, but they may not be a match for other reasons. That being the case, breaking it off would be the right thing to do.

The thing is, if that is the case with her, she could have just been more honest with you, rather than just trying to give you this fluff excuse of not having enough time. When people say stuff like that, it is often because they think they are doing the nice thing and preserving somebody's feelings, when in reality they are just refusing them the closure they deserve and need and likely delaying their process to move on.

Still, you've basically move on and now it kinda seems like she is delving into creeper mode a bit. I mean, again, maybe just a coincidence, but it certainly didn't sound like she had any reason to be there. As the others have said, it doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back or she's come to regret her decision or anything like that. It could, but it is just as likely it does not. Bottom line, it shouldn't matter anyway. Sounds like somebody you don't need in your life if you ask me.

I know how you feel about the whole "unsolved mystery" type of feeling. I think most of us can understand that. It sucks, and it isn't fair for somebody to do that to you. Still, you have to just move on and remember that if somebody does something like that to you, that is their problem, not yours. The mystery may remain unsolved, but the moral of the story remains clear.... that person didn't deserve you as a friend/significant other/family member or whatever the particular case may be anyway.

[basilandthyme]

You ladies don't give a guy any hope! Lol. Made me cry myself to sleep. �� I am ok with everything. It's just like not kknowing what is in her mind is the hard part. Fyi, we had a lot of positive relationship traits. Other than me being a lap dog. I do understand and hear what you are saying though. I guess I like mysteries, and this is one that I am going to put on the shelf. Maybe I get to pick it back up at some point...maybe not. Thanks!

I'm truly sorry you're so confused about this. But from this woman's point of view, you're trying to find hope and have us support you in the whole "no means yes" scenario.

I wrote about this just the other day - how for a woman, having a man find hope in her "no" response is not only disrespectful but can be downright scary.....and possibly lead to date rape situations. It's unfortunate for most women that a few women do play games. Their game playing leads some other men to believe that our words and body language which shun a man are actually 'come ons'. That they want it and are somehow trying to manipulate the man into working for it.

I once ended things with a man before they truly got started. I believe he thought my refusals to see him were a game which he needed to play. From my angle, it got quite concerning because I could not have been more clear in my words.

Credit to you for NOT chasing her like this man did to me. I'm glad you're staying away. But truly, please think further about how you're trying to find a "Yes" in what is clearly a "no" situation.

If she approaches you with "I'm so sorry, I made a mistake - can we try again?" - then you will have a Yes and some reason to hope.

[fukushima123]

I think you are just emotionally not ready to take the kind of advice that is suggestive of you two parting ways.
I am just going on what you've posted about her attitude towards the relationship and there doesn't seem to be any hope.
Maybe you see something we don't though so if you think there's hope, then there's hope.
In love, we all choose when to fight and when to wave the white flag so if you choose to fight, I wish you the best of luck.
In my experience though, you sacrifice a lot if only one person is doing the fighting and that can cause other areas of your life to suffer (like work or relationships).
You decide if she is worth the sacrifice.

[onthemend76]

Thank you for your feedback. I really am not confused or sitting waiting on the phone to ring from her. I have actually been on a,few dates and have a very interesting same age lady that I am talking to and seeing. It is going pretty good. I am to the point now with this one that it is just curiosity as what her actions meant. Maybe she is to late if there were any regrets on her part. I am not just saying this girl is it no matter what and I cannt go on with my life or anything like that. Initially I was i admit, but no contact has helped me. is there a part of me that wished she would let me know....you bet. If it don't happen. Oh well. I have many things to be thankful for. Y saved some dignity as well by not chasing someone who didn't want me and threw me away. Learn, and move on.

[TheEvilJester]

Exactly the attitude you want/need to have. I don't think there is anything wrong with initially having the attitude of wanting to fight for a relationship. Why would you just roll over and give up so easily on something you thought was/could be a good thing?

I also don't think there is anything wrong with you still sort of feeling like you wish you had answers and/or feeling like you still wish things could have worked out with you two. Unless she was a God awfully horrible person to you, why would you NOT have some part of you that wishes things could have worked out? Obviously there must have been some good times that made it seem worth progressing far enough to consider yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. But, she's made it very clear she is no longer interested in continuing the relationship.

Do yourself a favor and don't try to interpret every little thing she does. Let me preface this to say I would most likely guess her actions are NOT a sign that she still wants to be with you. However, let's pretend for a minute that they ARE. My opinion on that is.... who cares? IF she wants you back, let her grow up and talk to you about it. IF her somewhat weird actions lately are secretly a sign that she wants you back, THAT sure as Heck ain't the way you should go about getting back with somebody. If that is the case, instead she should grow up and just talk to you.

So, in my opinion, unless she comes to you and says she wants to give it another shot, I'd interpret any further actions like this (if they do happen) as her being a jealous/obsessed psycho. Mind you, it's probably an extreme exaggeration, but it will help you put things in perspective. After all, why would you want to take somebody back who would act like that? IF she did want you back, she was the one who broke it off with you, so she should be the one to develop some courage and ask, not you.

Chances are, though, that her "no" is still a "no" as basil put it. Frankly, it sounds like she's doing you a favor anyway. Find somebody who will appreciate you and actually have time to commit to you.

[basilandthyme]

Jester has pretty much nailed it here. The behaviour of this woman is displaying is a red flag. You really don't want this in your life. Give yourself the time you need to grieve the relationship. But don't stay there too long. Be kind to yourself and keep your future options open.

For what it's worth, I must confess to travelling to the area of a guy who I no longer wanted to be with. I wasn't actually stalking. I didn't hang around, I didn't see him. It was more about driving past the end of his street. Or his suburb. Or driving near where he worked. It was something to do with the process of letting go, but I honestly can't tell you why I did it. Seems quite nutty when I look back on it now.

[TheEvilJester]

I think we all have those moments. It is almost like temporary insanity. We almost can't explain why we do/did it or what the heck we expected it to accomplish, but sometimes you just cannot help yourself. Maybe it is sort of like your mind and body's way of trying to "test the waters," so to speak. Like, you almost want to wind up seeing them from afar, or at the very least, connect yourself back to something that held memories of them for you (like driving past the end of his street in basil's example above).

It's kind of like you want to prove to yourself that you are ready to move on, that you can see the person, or see something that holds memories of them for you, and it will no longer hurt, and/or no longer cause you to have second thoughts about whether you made the right decision. That, or maybe you just feel it will prove to you yourself that you have moved on. That, right or wrong, that relationship has ended, and that is okay.

We humans are strange creatures sometimes. Some of us perhaps stranger than others *COUGH*like me *COUGH* LOL! But, sometimes our subconscious knows just what we need even when we may not know it ourselves.