need to get this off my chest

[mollie08]

i know before i even post this i will get some negative comments, but just need something outside my friends circle to get this off my chest and advice im feeling so low and lost right now and my heart is broken. please be gentle .
here goes.

i was in a 2 year realtionship (ended last march) with a man who left me after a drunken argument. he took all his belongings from our house, cut contact and basically left me to rot. he had health problems and i was more like his carer than partner.
i had a breakdown (lots of other things in my past too brought this on....eating disorders from my teens, a bad incident at work, past failed relationships and my son leaving home to join the forces before he was 17) and couldnt work for 5 weeks, was on antidepressants and seeing a councillor. i graduallly built myself back up thru so much hard work from me, family friends and work. by july i had built walls and was stronger than id ever been.
i met a man while on a weekend away at a festival. we spent 2 nights together and on the 3rd morning he told me he was married. id had such a good weekend i thought it would have been over as soon as we both went home. we live quite a number of miles away.(123)he gave me his number and said he would like to keep in touch, which we did, just as friends texts at first. then he asked if he could come and visit me, go for a walk and have a coffee. i agreed. the following week he turned up at my house, dressed in a suit (he has a high profile job) with flowers. we went for a walk, had coffee and i asked was he going back that day, he said he had brought some other clothes just incase i wanted him to stay. i said yes.
every week he came to stay, telling his W he was away with work at meetings, telling work he had meetings. and every week became riskier and riskier. he started telling me all about his family,(3 grown daughters) his friends,(he was quite a loner so not many apart from mutual with his W)and so many personal details about himself. he said after a few short weeks that he had found something in me he had never known. our sex life was amazing.our friendship was the back bone to us. his W was 7 years older, (hes 48). he told me how she was, told me very personal details about her, even went as far as to show me her and his 3 girls on a social site. he was the most loving king genuine man id ever known, and when he told me he had fallen in love with me, i was overwhelmed. he treat me like a princess. we would sit at nights at talk about our lives. i told him about my breakdown, and so many more things about my self, all personal, and emotional things id been thru. he understood me so well. we had a phone we used to keep in contact, a secret one that only i had the number. he had a work phone he used for everything else.
at christmas, he said it was the worst he had ever known, his W and parents had picked up on his down spirits too by now. he said he wanted to be here with me. 2 days after NYE, he came and told me he wanted to be with me. said he had made a plan. he was going to try and change jobs within his comapany, and he was going to tell his W he had met and fell in love with someone else. before he told her, he had a huge crumble and couldnt go thru with it. we talked it over and decieded to carry on as we were till he felt right. as i said before, the friendship part of us was the strength and we got thru it. he was really enjoying life with me, we talked of things we wanted to do, and all things he couldnt do with his W. she had many hangups which stopped her doing things a couple should do. her main interests were spending money and shopping. they were in major credit card debt. they had changed houses so many times as she wanted bigger and better each time. he told me 'our house' as he called here, home and where he lived was 'back there'. every week he drove back, he cried that he wanted to stay but felt trapped there. she organised his life, right down to the last dot. he hated it and said here he was free, he felt alive and he felt love.
one week he came, i told him it wasnt fair on 3 people, him her or me. over the months id told him to take what he had learned here, and forget me, to try again with her. he refused each time and told me there was no love there, and that here with me was where his heart was.
we sat most of the night and i told him he would have to choose. and if it wasnt me, he had to forget me and make his marriage work. he begged me not to write him off. we both sat in each others arms and cried. the next day i said he would have to choose by the end of the week, he agreed.i said we would still be friends untill he made his choice and carry on as normal. from very early on in the relationship he would phone for hours at a time, message constant on an ap called viber and move mountains to be with me. he bought me gifts, flowers, and treat me like his queen. i am not materialistic and he told me he hadnt even started spoiling me in the way i deserved. money, material objects were the last thing i wanted from him.
mid week, he messaged to tell me he was going to do the right thing. and half hour later, he messaged again to tell me he had told her he had met and fell in love with me. she out him out the next morning. he slept in his work office until the friday then he came home. the weekend was amazing, and we both cried when he had to go back for work on the monday. he slept in his office thru the week, and came home at weekends. it was starting to take toll on his health and he wasnt sleeping or eating properly. his EX W as he now called her agreed to sell the house as long as he did some work on it for the sale. he didnt come home for 11 days, did the jobs, and still stayed in the office. she had told him she agreed their marriage had broken down beyond repair and agreed on the split.
the following weekend, he came home on the thursday as it was easter weekend. i was at work until fri afternoon. we spent friday night talking, having a drink and enjoying each others company. he told me she has said she wanted him back, he promised me he wouldnt go back as there was nothing to go back for, his life was with me and our future was here. we had made so many plans, dreams and everything seemed amazing. he was so positive and everytime i asked was he ok he would laugh and tell me he was the happiest man alive. we went out for a drink on sat night with my dad, it was really good. i had work on easter sunday and when i arrived back, he told me he had to go back. we ended up both getting frustrated and he left. he left the house key and a phone we used to keep in touch that id given him. he still had the first phone hed bought just after we met.
a couple of days later, after i messaged him on viber (on the first phone) he replied and called. he said he had put credit on the phone cos he needed to keep intouch. we ended up arguing on the phone and he came home, left work and didnt tell anyone where he was going.
we talked, he kissed me, held my hand and laid in the bed with me. told me he had to try again with her and i had to let him go. i didnt understand any of it, he got into a right mess and wasnt fit to drive. by this time, my worrld was shattered, i begged him not to leave me, that he knew where id been and what id gone thru and couldnt cope again. he was adamant that he was leaving me to go back to her. my world was ripped apart. i felt lower than anyother time in my life.
i emailed his W and told her everything of the last 8.5 months. every detail. in my head and heart, why should he have the right to go back, forget me and play happy families with a woman he was going back to for guilt and financial reasons. i was on the verge of ending it all, the only thing stopping me was my son and the effects on him and family friends. she replied my email. told me he was ill and she needed to help the "man she once loved, a long time ago". no mention of love. she also said he had to get strong again and what he did then was his choice. i replied to tell her i respected that and the email was not to be malicious, but to tell her i wasnt a cheap once a week sex affair. i needed her to know for my own sanity. the emails have been read and re-read numerous times, the last was may 29th april, 4th 2015. i wrote that there was always a place here for him if he regretted going back. and that id always love him unconditionally. its ripping me apart is she reading them, or is he reading them and realising he has made a mistake.
a week later, he phoned, then again the next day. i said i wasnt coping at all, and that i needed my friend back, and the man id planned a future with, how i was struggling at work, back on antidepressants and seeing the councillor again.
the morning after he messaged to say he would always love me, but he needed to get himself strong again. and i needed to do the same, but he would be back in touchas soon as he could. i replied to say he had broken me, and id given up.that i loved him not for his money, or what he could give me but because he was my everything. that was the 22nd april. the messages were on viber and my last message said 'seen.
each time i look on the viber app, his phone has been online...last online everyday. im fighting not to contact him, but its so hard. i desperatley need him to remember why he fell in love with me, why he left her and the future we have here. as i type now, viber is online. i know its not her with the phone, he told her he had gotten rid of it, plus times online are when she will be at work.
my heart is breaking, im alone, scared and i dont know how im going to manage with out him. ive lost my best friend, my lover and my soulmate. i pretend to my friends and family im ok as i dont want them to worry like they did last time (i reached manic crisis point) and i cant put them thru it again.
my son is away until christmas. im struggling so much to come to terms with it all. and i cant cope. everywhere in the house is ghosts of him, even walking my dog in places we walked is hard, and the sunset we both loved so much kills me. all my dreams, future plans with the man i love is gone. i cant let go, im trying the no contact in ther hope he comes back to me and the life we had together. im in so much pain and cant go 5 mins without thinking of him.
sorry its so long, i needed to get it off my chest. ive left so much out but can hardly type thru the tears.
he said he didnt blame me for emailing his W, he understood. he swore he still loved me and that he could never hate me.
he has never done this before, he swore that to me, said he had only had 3 partners in his life, one which was me. heve said that while he was there with her, he wouldnt cheat on me. he had recoiled each time she had even touched his arm, and that he was repulsed at the thought of her.
my friends have said ill find someone else, but how can i trust another man with my already fragile heart when all i want is him to come back to me. im existing here waititng for some kind of contact. he also told me despite saying he never would, looked me up on twitter.
its the festival again coming soon.
i know he wont be able to do anything, or go any where with out her being suspicious. and its ripping me to bits knowing, if she has forgiven him that she knew every single detail of out 8.5 months relationship. there will be so many reminders of me for him, and im dying thinking he has just walked away, left me in a heap on the floor and can forget what we had. between friday evening and sunday afternoon its all gone 180 and i cant get my head round it at all. we were so happy x

[woody]

wow. big sigh. dang woman, what a mess.... I'm sorry your hurting so badly there.
I'm not going to lecture on the whole, 'he's a married man' thing.
I'll leave that alone.

Let's focus on your heart shall we?
This is going to take some time and then it'll take more time. You will dwell and linger in spots, places the two of you went, out of the need to remember, to mourn. But, do yourself a favour. Try to find some new places to go. Put music on in your home that you and he did not listen to. This will not be easy and it won't work for long but it may offer you more than 5 minutes at time without thinking of him...
You have Seasons to get it together before your son comes back home so you have time.

There is no magic wand to tell you what the future is going to bring; but you must focus on your own health right now. Do not fall to pieces. No matter what happens remember this: If you don't work, nothing does. So get it together...

everything will be alright. Empower yourself.
I hope others can offer you more.

[Wakeup]

he was the most loving king genuine man id ever known,

You forgot that he was a liar, a cheater, a opportunist that took advantage of a woman without boundaries or self-esteem. Men like him prey on woman in your condition. Sadly, you find him loving, kind and genuine instead of the douche-bag that he really is.

he said he had brought some other clothes just incase i wanted him to stay. i said yes.

You knew he was married and you said "yes" anyway? Why would you do that to yourself? He's married. You should talk to your counsellor about why you would have such little regard for your emotional well being and so little empathy for his wife that you would allow him in you again. He's married... that means he should be OFF LIMITS to you and you should have told him to go fvck himself after he screwed you and THEN TOLD YOU he was married. In furture, before you bed a guy, make sure you know his status and it takes more then one night of meeting to know if he's lying to you or not if he tells you he's single.

. before he told her, he had a huge crumble and couldnt go thru with it.

Well, that was no surprise. 99.9% of the time they will NOT LEAVE THEIR SPOUSE for a fvck buddy... even if they say they will.

we talked it over and decieded to carry on as we were till he felt right.

Foolish of you. You should have ended it and told him when he has left his wife, if he ever actually intends to that he knows where to find you and if you're still single, you'll see him then. You have very littler self-love and zero personal boundaries. Please read this link and educate yourself so that you're never used like this again.

[url=http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html]Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish Them[/url]

i told him it wasnt fair on 3 people, him her or me. over the months id told him to take what he had learned here, and forget me, to try again with her. he refused each time and told me there was no love there, and that here with me was where his heart was.

Yet he still didn't leave her and begin a proper life with you. This guy is so full of shit it makes my head spin. I'm sorry you let him do that to you... say his pretty words without actions to back them up. You were a secret piece on the side that he fled to long enough to get laid, do some lip service to make you feel less guilt for screwing over his wife. A wife that he never would leave for you.

i emailed his W and told her everything of the last 8.5 months. every detail. in my head and heart, why should he have the right to go back, forget me and play happy families with a woman he was going back to for guilt and financial reasons.

Such a bunch of fvcking bullshit. Really? You willing fvcked a marred man for 8 months and then had the nerve to punish HIM for it? Punish her for it by telling her about it when you were instrumental in allowing it to happen. Wow! I never understood why the one who is enabling the cheater to cheat has to seek revenge. Had you told her after the first weekend when you fvcked him and didn't bother to find out that he was married then I would understand why you whould feel the need to tell her but to carry on like the chump you were with this chuckler and then out of revenge on him fvck her over is unconscionable IMO.

i wrote that there was always a place here for him if he regretted going back. and that id always love him unconditionally.

Please go back to counselling so that you learn to love yourself enough to not let married men back into your life. This guy is not to be put on the pedestal you have him on. You need help with your view on life and what is and what isn't in your own best interests. This man was married, you allowed him into your life when he was NOT YOURS to allow in. He's a cheater, a liar, a bullshitter who told you what you wanted to hear until he didn't want to be with you anymore... and back to the wife he would never leave you for once again. I'm sure you are not the only one he's been with on the side... only to go back to his LIFEmate.

He's likely on Viber with his new "mark" and is setting up meetings with her. He's too practiced in his "game" for you to be his one and only bit on the side. You won't believe that is all you were but even if he had feelings for you, that's all you were. As long as he remains with who he chose to marry, that's all you actually were. His wife was right when she said he was "ill" ... he has a sex addiction or he is addicted to cheating and stringing women with low self-worth along for his ride.

i said i wasnt coping at all, and that i needed my friend back, and the man id planned a future with, how i was struggling at work, back on antidepressants and seeing the councillor again.

How dare you say that to a married man who has chosen not to leave his wife for you? I HOPE you are discussing your obsession with this man with your therapist because you should be working on getting him out of your system.... not emailing him to be with you when he is still very much a married man. What is wrong with you that you don't GET that?

Take him down off the pedestal. Work on your personal boundaries so that you keep yourself away from married men who more times then not will NOT leave the one they chose to marry, so that you slap a man when you've been with him and you find out his married instead of inviting him in to cheat with you. If you work on you and what ails YOU, then you won't have to worry about not trusting men again because you'll have the respect of yourself to guide you to do what is right, instead of remaining in low self-worth and letting that dismal state guide you to do wrong like you did this time with the douche you're obsessed with.

I'm sorry you're hurting but sadly you have been the author of your own misfortune and you will continue to hurt for a long time if you don't do some self-reflection and admit to yourself that you are better off without him. If he did it with you he would do it on you and for fk sakes don't believe his lip service that he's only had three partners and that somehow makes him good. He's only had three partners and he's cheated on at least two of them. His wife with you and on you with his wife. pffft. Learn to love yourself more. Get busy realizing the truth instead of clinging to the fantasy and ignoring what you know is to truth... that being everything I've told you here in this post.

[mollie08]

thanks for the advice.
but no thanks for making me feel like the only woman EVER to have been in this position, and feel like what ive done is so evil and i should carry this around my neck for the rest of my life.
i didnt come here to feel persecuted either. yes, i did wrong by falling for a man who was someone elses, but if im the only woman ever to do this, then you can point the finger of blame.
i NEVER made him drive over a hundred miles a week to see me, i NEVER made him fall in love with me, and i was NEVER just a fvck.i also NEVER made him sit down and tell her. he had the choice to leave me at any time.
this man WAS genuine. and NO, i believe 100% he had never done this before. i was never just a woman he came to for sex or comfort. im no fool, i quieried his every word, and im not just some stupid woman who fell for a man who was a player. i suppose tho, as you dont know me or seen the man he was you will have your own opinions of our 'relationship'.
if you re-read what i wrote yesterday, he DID leave her, he told her, and his girls and his parents all about me. he had told work all about me, for months his friends knew too.i was never ever a dirty little secret. once he had finally told his W, she told him she realized the marriage was over years ago, she was just upset he had found a way out first. told him how she was going to leave him anyway at christmas and rent a flat with a daughter. his girls supported him, they knew the life he had with his W and said they didnt blame him for leaving her. his parents were overjoyed he had left her after having such a unhappy life. his W had threatned his mother a few years ago. his father was in full agrreance of him leaving. they said they wished he had done it years ago. they couldnt wait to meet the woman who had finally made their son happy
if i WAS just an affair or a fvuck to this man, WHY allow me to put photos on social media sites, which man in their right mind having an 'affair' allow the woman to even take photos never mind encourage the social media photos and state ' in a relationship'.? i knew every single detail of his 'other life, knew every detail of his work, it wasnt an affair, i t was a relationship.why would he give me his works number, his works phone mobile number, his email address, his home address, every personal detail. a player or an 'affair' does not do this. he told me personal details of his W, his daughters, everything. things you would share with a friend or partner, not an affair or just a woman you fvck once a week.
as he said, lived with a woman he didnt love and loved a woman he didnt live with. a woman who ruled his life, planned what they did to a dot. a woman who had run them up into so much debt due to her love of material objects. we would sit and talk for hours how unhappy he was with her. he hated ther house they lived in. how he felt here, no pressure, no stress, and he felt free. things we could do here compared to things he did there, dreams and plans we had together to travel, to live and be happy.
so he DID tell her, and DID leaver her.
im no way obsessed with this man?? to say i love him unconditionallly makes me obsessed? im a 39 year old woman, not a little girl infatuated by a pop star. hes also not on any pedestal.
the reason im seeing the councillor again is to help not fall back into the same pattern as last year.i reached crisis point and took me hard work to even step out of my front door.
last year i waved my 16 year old son off to join the forces.hes my only child. i watched a woman i supported die at my place of work. i had a bad relationship with a man who treat me like a doormat. my councillor is helping with those issues, plus issues from my teens, eating disorders, low self esteem and other things that i didnt deal with properly on my first set of councilling. im not some stupid woman, who believed and hung off his every word. and in all truth, if you knew me in real life, instead of an anonymous poster on a forum, you would never believe im the woman writing this.
i fell in love with this man, after months of him coming here, he helped me take the walls down, made me feel real again, became my best friend. dont think for a second im a lonely person and have no friends, and i needed this man. i didnt. but when a man treats you with as much respect, love and friendship as he did, tells you his hopes dreams fears, talks to you about his life and how unhappy he was, the friendship part of us was stronger than any sex, intimacy or anything else 'affair like'.
i didnt post on here for sympathy, or to be told ' there there, he loved you but it didnt work, nor did i post on here to look like a victim. i posted cos as this started, i needed to get it off my chest. and i was at such a low point yesterday, i stupidly poured my head and heart out to total strangers.

[dontaskme]

It doesn't matter whether this man told you the truth or lied to you, the point is he went back to his wife and family, and that is what you need to accept now. Your relationship with him is OVER. Concentrate on how to heal, take care of yourself and your son. This relationship wasn't ideal to begin with. He should have not started a relationship until he was divorced or at least legally separated. I have to believed Wake Up here that this guy played you for a fool. I'm sorry but it is what it is and you need to pick up the pieces of your life to get yourself together again.

[woody]

You'll be alright. Don't worry so much about getting a little ripped apart by certain members here; w.u tends to have a no holds bar approach sometimes but means well enough, pointy edges n'all.

Hey, your not the only person who's ever gotten into a situation like this and you won't be the last. I bet many relationships are products of starts like this. (not that i'm encouraging you to pursue) Just saying Your not wicked or bad or anything else in that realm. You've got heart and it fell for someone who also has heart. Sure, there may be underlying reasons as to why things escalated so but that's for no one else but you and him to figure out in which ever way you deem best.

Women tend to get up in arms when asked for advice regarding affairs; so do men, well, married men that is. But no one has any right to make you feel shitty about it. So don't let them. Just don't. You know how you felt with this man. You and only you.
I will say though, it does sound like he is rather fragile, as you are as well. Perhaps re gaining your strengths is the best choice at this time. The future will tell you more but try not to dwell too much. Your life must go on.

Again, everything will be alright.

[Wakeup]

thanks for the advice.
but no thanks for making me feel like the only woman EVER to have been in this position, and feel like what ive done is so evil and i should carry this around my neck for the rest of my life.

Not being the only PERSON in the world to do this shouldn't be a consideration. You have done this to yourself and now it's time to let it go, let him go, forgive yourself and finally realize that what you had with him was bullshit, smoke and mirrors that made it seem so great because there was absolutely NO distractions, responsibilities or anything to get in the way of your weekend ****fests. All you had was sex and good times. Nothing else got in the way. That's not real life... that's playing house and friends with benefits. So stop being a tit about it and start being a reasonable adult who can finally see that who she was in lust with (not love) was a cheating douche who took advantage of your poor sense of self esteem and then when you pushed to end the fantasy life, he bolted on you like a rabbit down it's own hole.

i didnt come here to feel persecuted either.

Yes you did. You even subconsciously told us you did by your very words of "I expect to get negative comments."

yes, i did wrong by falling for a man who was someone elses, but if im the only woman ever to do this, then you can point the finger of blame.

It doesn't matter what other people have done that is wrong... YOU doing it was wrong, it was not in YOUR best emotional interests more then anything and that's something you need to learn and be told about outright without the fluff because clearly you are pining for someone who you should not have even gotten involved with and if you had the personal boundaries in place, if you had good love of self then you would have told him to go away right after that weekend and you would not have kept on with him knowing very well that he was married and that you would more likely then not ended up crushed like you are now. You don't love yourself enough to even stay away from him and you keep trying to insinuate yourself into his life when he's clearly showed you in actions that he does not want you in his life the way you THINK you want/need him. His words mean nothing when his action contradict them.

i NEVER made him drive over a hundred miles a week to see me, i NEVER made him fall in love with me, and i was NEVER just a fvck.[/quote] No you didn't make him... you allowed him to and he may have been fond of you but you were no more then a ****. If you were more then that, then he would be with you now and she would be his ex wife.

i also NEVER made him sit down and tell her. he had the choice to leave me at any time.

Yea, but he didn't have to until he actually did leave you. That is when he felt he needed to because things were getting too real and he bounced on you.

this man WAS genuine.

This man is a cheating douche who told you what you wanted to hear and if he ever did leave his wife for you, he will do the same thing on you that he did on her eventually and every time he was out of your sight... you would be wondering where he actually was and who he was with.

and NO, i believe 100% he had never done this before. i was never just a woman he came to for sex or comfort.

That is exactly why he was with you. Like I said, even if he loved you it means nothing because when push came to shove... he chose his LIFEMATE over his weekend **** buddy.

im no fool,

You may not be unintelligent buy you are living a fantasy that suits your own agenda. You are also in denial and you are making a fool out of yourself by begging for him back.

i quieried his every word, and im not just some stupid woman who fell for a man who was a player.

sorry but read back your own Opening post as if you were not the silly woman who let a married man back into her life after finding out he wasn't single and you will see that you are exactly a naïve (if not stupid) woman who was played by a married man that bolted on you when push came to shove.

i suppose tho, as you dont know me or seen the man he was you will have your own opinions of our 'relationship'.

You are no different then the dozens of people that come here after being emotionally screwed over by a married sex partner. You all sound the same and you all lack personal boundaries and you all suffer from past dysfunction and/or codependent upbringing. Nothing new and you all end up hurt, lonely and without the man/woman who lusted after you and you confused that lust with love and admiration of you.

if you re-read what i wrote yesterday, he DID leave her, he told her, and his girls and his parents all about me. he had told work all about me, for months his friends knew too.i was never ever a dirty little secret. once he had finally told his W, she told him she realized the marriage was over years ago, she was just upset he had found a way out first. told him how she was going to leave him anyway at christmas and rent a flat with a daughter. his girls supported him, they knew the life he had with his W and said they didnt blame him for leaving her. his parents were overjoyed he had left her after having such a unhappy life. his W had threatned his mother a few years ago. his father was in full agrreance of him leaving. they said they wished he had done it years ago. they couldnt wait to meet the woman who had finally made their son happy

Please wake the fvck up. NONE of that matters because the bottom line is HE DID NOT LEAVE HER. The bottom line is: YOU are without him and he is an asshole that played the part but is "ill."

if i WAS just an affair or a fvuck to this man, WHY allow me to put photos on social media sites, which man in their right mind having an 'affair' allow the woman to even take photos never mind encourage the social media photos and state ' in a relationship'.? i knew every single detail of his 'other life, knew every detail of his work, it wasnt an affair, i t was a relationship.

As long as he was still married.... You were an affair and he was stringing you along. Once again: He may have been fond of you BUT HE WAS MARRIED AND THAT SHOULD BE YOUR CLUE AND YOUR GOOD SENSE SHOULD HAVE KICKED IN to tell you to stay the hell away from him before you became emotionally involved. You should have told him to call you when he left her and THEN CARRIED ON IN YOUR SO CALLED LOVE AFFAIR. Not done it while he was still married.

why would he give me his works number, his works phone mobile number, his email address, his home address, every personal detail. a player or an 'affair' does not do this. he told me personal details of his W, his daughters, everything. things you would share with a friend or partner, not an affair or just a woman you fvck once a week.

Are you really that desperate? Why do you keep trying to make what you had with him more then what it was? The bottom line is: Even if he loved you. He did not leave his wife for you. He is a cheater, he is ill, He is with his wife, you are not with him, you lower yourself by begging for a married man's reinvestment in you. You're not well. You need the professional help you are getting and I truly hope that you are with a therapist that is proficient in what ails you.

as he said, lived with a woman he didnt love and loved a woman he didnt live with. a woman who ruled his life, planned what they did to a dot. a woman who had run them up into so much debt due to her love of material objects.

Well, he must have like it for after all: He knew he had a sure thing with you but he chose to stay and try and make it work with her so you do the math.

we would sit and talk for hours how unhappy he was with her. he hated ther house they lived in.

You do know that most married people put down the spouse at home to the person they are cheating with, right? Seems it helps to justify what they are doing to both themselves and the one who they are cheating with.

how he felt here, no pressure, no stress, and he felt free. things we could do here compared to things he did there, dreams and plans we had together to travel, to live and be happy.

All fantasy and part of the "no outside influence, responsibilities, life getting in the way. It's all grand until life gets in the way.

so he DID tell her, and DID leaver her.

Funny, he's not with you now though, is he?

im no way obsessed with this man?? to say i love him unconditionallly makes me obsessed?

No. Calling and emailing and begging him and coming here and lamenting about how wonderful he was (when he's a cheating arse who couldn't give up the status quo when push came to shove) and wanting him back when you know hes married and wanting to NOT end his marriage is what makes you obsessed.

im a 39 year old woman, not a little girl infatuated by a pop star. hes also not on any pedestal.
the reason im seeing the councillor again is to help not fall back into the same pattern as last year.i reached crisis point and took me hard work to even step out of my front door.

I'm actually sorry that you let this happen to you. You are not yet well enough to be dating at all or having sex with men you just met that night because this is what has happened to you for going out too soon. You were too vulnerable and you happily let a married man come to your house for the weekend. Anyone who is well and ready to date again would not have done that.

last year i waved my 16 year old son off to join the forces.hes my only child. i watched a woman i supported die at my place of work. i had a bad relationship with a man who treat me like a doormat. my councillor is helping with those issues, plus issues from my teens, eating disorders, low self esteem and other things that i didnt deal with properly on my first set of councilling. im not some stupid woman, who believed and hung off his every word.

I'm sorry, but yes you are because if you were not then you wouldn't have allowed him into your life after he confessed to you that he was married. This is not like he lied to you and courted you as a single man... he confessed yet you still allowed him to continue with you. That is not what strong, emotionally healthy people allow in their life.

and in all truth, if you knew me in real life, instead of an anonymous poster on a forum, you would never believe im the woman writing this.

I'm not sure what that has got to do with anything. You are the woman writing this and everything I'm saying to you is the truth. Sorry... but it just is.

i fell in love with this man, after months of him coming here,

See that's the thing. If you had stopped him from coming there once you knew he was married, you would not have fallen in love/lust with him and you'd not be feeling the way you do right now that you've been cut off from your addiction to him.

he helped me take the walls down, made me feel real again, became my best friend. dont think for a second im a lonely person and have no friends, and i needed this man. i didnt. but when a man treats you with as much respect, love and friendship as he did, tells you his hopes dreams fears, talks to you about his life and how unhappy he was, the friendship part of us was stronger than any sex, intimacy or anything else 'affair like'.

Well, he sure gave it all up now didn't he.

i didnt post on here for sympathy, or to be told ' there there, he loved you but it didnt work, nor did i post on here to look like a victim. i posted cos as this started, i needed to get it off my chest. and i was at such a low point yesterday, i stupidly poured my head and heart out to total strangers.

You should be glad you did because you're not a victim. You are the author of your own misfortune (by continuing on with him after you knew he was married) and hopefully, if you're as healed at you think you are, then you will take what you're being given here, process it, come to realize that he's not the epitome of virtue and love you're making him out to be and the its NEVER a good idea to get involved with a man that is NOT AVAILABLE to get involved with. You'll do the work you need to do to hone your personal boundaries, to love yourself, to get over your past and when you're smarter and you can actually look after your own best interests... then and only then will you attempt to be with another man. If you dont' do the work you need to do to look after yourself then you will keep getting with men and are not good to get with... just like the last two men you chose.

I don't say any of this to be a bitch. I say it because it is what you need to hear and to help you get over the asshole who took you on his ride and left you like you are just so that he had some reprieve from his own codependent hell that he has now chosen to remain in.

[mollie08]

in which part of any of this say i was begging him back?? ive not made any contact since the 22nd april.

QUOTE
I'm actually sorry that you let this happen to you. You are not yet well enough to be dating at all or having sex with men you just met that night because this is what has happened to you for going out too soon. You were too vulnerable and you happily let a married man come to your house for the weekend. Anyone who is well and ready to date again would not have done that.
QUOTE

how dare you tell and tell me im not well, you make me sound like a deranged fvucking idiot. yeah, i did expect negative comments, but not to be treat or made to feel like im a leper, or the most evil woman ever born.
i had a realtionship with a man who was married. im not the only one.and i sure as hell was no fvckbuddy.
you must have it so perfect, and yeah, you did say it to be a bitch. or maybe your life is really sad and lonely all you have is to sit behind your laptop having time to sit and actually put what i wrote in quotations, making light of someone who came here to offload, not to be led to the fvucking gallows.
maybe you have done the same as me, or had it done to you to be so judgemental of a person you dont even know in reality.maybe this is one way to vent your anger. you think im fvucked up? you need to take a step back from my life and look at your own.
id hate to be a friend of yours in real life or a family member with a problem cos you would probably load the gun and tell them to pull it
your a keyboard warrior, and will probably jump on and keyboard maim the next woman who comes her to ' pour her heart out'

[basilandthyme]

I'm so sorry he lied to you upfront. This whole thing would never had happened if he'd been respectful to his wife and not commenced sleeping with you under false pretences.

That being said, you wouldn't be going through heatbreak at present had you told him "**** you, liar" after he told you he was married.

Thing is, your post reads like you see yourself as being wronged - and yes, you totally were wronged in those first two days. But after that? You were as much to blame in this as him. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Acknowledge that after finding out the truth, you chose to continue with him despite knowing from the outset that he lied to you.

I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying it because acknowledging our part in a disaster (as opposed to being hurt and feeling helpless and blaming someone else) is the way to get over it.

[Wakeup]

in which part of any of this say i was begging him back?? ive not made any contact since the 22nd april.

QUOTE
I'm actually sorry that you let this happen to you. You are not yet well enough to be dating at all or having sex with men you just met that night because this is what has happened to you for going out too soon. You were too vulnerable and you happily let a married man come to your house for the weekend. Anyone who is well and ready to date again would not have done that.
QUOTE

how dare you tell and tell me im not well, you make me sound like a deranged fvucking idiot. yeah, i did expect negative comments, but not to be treat or made to feel like im a leper, or the most evil woman ever born.
i had a realtionship with a man who was married. im not the only one.and i sure as hell was no fvckbuddy.
you must have it so perfect, and yeah, you did say it to be a bitch. or maybe your life is really sad and lonely all you have is to sit behind your laptop having time to sit and actually put what i wrote in quotations, making light of someone who came here to offload, not to be led to the fvucking gallows.
maybe you have done the same as me, or had it done to you to be so judgemental of a person you dont even know in reality.maybe this is one way to vent your anger. you think im fvucked up? you need to take a step back from my life and look at your own.
id hate to be a friend of yours in real life or a family member with a problem cos you would probably load the gun and tell them to pull it
your a keyboard warrior, and will probably jump on and keyboard maim the next woman who comes her to ' pour her heart out'

Get the help you need so that you don't keep making the mistakes you've made ALL of your life by choosing the wrong men. You came here to hear exactly what I told you. You want to be punished because you know that you were very foolish to continue on with a man that was not free to be yours. You now need to forgive yourself for being so cruel to YOU and start to do the mental work you need to do to STOP thinking about him instead of making your memories your best friend. Change the subject of him from your mind, don't dwell there in your reverie. He is a loser and you are sounding more and more like one the more you defend yourself and try to deflect the attention from yourself onto me instead of acknowledging that you were the author of your own misfortune.

Basil is right... he didn't disclose to you that first night that he was married but you didn't ask either, did you? Or did you and he lied right to your face in order to get laid?

You are a victim of your childhood and it shows so please continue on in your therapy so that you can hopefully come to terms with that and let it go as well.

Don't hurt for someone like him... he's fluff. Hurt for your inner child, nurture her and make up for the lack of that during your childhood, form good personal boundaries for her and be the best you that you can be for her.

Believe that you are worthy of having a good man that is not a codependent, married mess (like the one that you pine over) so that you pick a good man that is not a married codependent mess. You won't do it but you'd do well to stop stalking Vibe, block and delete him from all means of contact and get on with getting over the bastard.

[basilandthyme]

Basil is right... he didn't disclose to you that first night that he was married but you didn't ask either, did you? Or did you and he lied right to your face in order to get laid?

To be fair, I probably wouldn't ask a guy if he was married or otherwise committed in the same situation. I'd assume (incorrectly in this case) that he was single and available.

[Wakeup]

To be fair, I probably wouldn't ask a guy if he was married or otherwise committed in the same situation. I'd assume (incorrectly in this case) that he was single and available.

I probably wouldn't have asked either if all I wanted was a jump but I wouldn't assume he was single. If I wasn't seeing him ever again, I likely wouldn't care. If he confessed afterwards then I'd realize and he would confirm to me what a piece of shit he was, I'd tell him and I'd certainly not see him again. You (the general you) disappear on guys like that, you don't pin your life and hopes on them.

[mollie08]

where in my first post did i say the first time we met i slept with him? we were at a music festival, we SPENT 2 nights watching bands, in a group of people, not 2 nights sleeping together, the morning he told me he was married, we had met up for breakfast, not woke up together. that is when he gave me his number, and told me he would love to come to where i live to see me. and as ive stated numerous times, the friendship part of us was the strong part of the relationship.he came to my town to see me as friends, we walked, talked and he stayed that night.that was a week later.

a VICTIM of my CHILDHOOD?? and a lack of what? i grew up in a loving family unit, my parents are still together.im not some stupid woman who sits and mopes over things i have been thru in my teens. i have a very successful job, i own my own home,and i support myself. having an eating disorder in my teens, as many other young women/men have suffered, does not make me a victim.
and if you read properly in my post, the counselling NOT therapy is thru work. to help deal with my only son, who is 18 and on deployment to the gulf, a woman i watched die horrifically at work that i didnt deal with properly at the time,plus a couple of other issues.
the way you have replied to me makes it sound like you think im some kind of weak woman,a total idiot and someone who is gonna sit and read your writings to me as if you have know me all your life and think you have the right to disect my every word, post and bully me while sat behind your computer. i had a friendship/relationship with a married man, not kill anyone.
just because i posted here and wrote what i did does not give you the right to rip me to pieces, to judge me, my life, my childhood or anything else. your hands must be so clean to be able to point the finger at me, or as i said had what i did done to you. i can imagine you sat there fuming and blowing smoke typing your replies to me.
like i said, step back and look at your own life before trying to slate mine. and if your life is so perfect, you have never done ANYTHING wrong, EVER, never made a mistake, or found yourself in a position that made you feel crap, go ahead.
this is called the loveforum, i posted in the broken hearts section, not the ' please rip my life to pieces cos ive done something wrong..that i OPENLY admit to and am not the only woman EVER to do this' section.

thank you to everyone else who has posted, some good advice and help without nastiness and the need to rip me to pieces.

[dontaskme]

No one in their right mind would agree that you were the victim here. You made a mistake, take the responsibility to own it.

Yeah woman, I feel bad for you but you played a big role in this whole mess. You could have emphatize to how the wife felt to have a cheating husband. You also had numerous opportunity to walk away but you didn't.

Where I am sitting on the other side, this man used you and lied to you, period. Anyway, none of that matters now. Accept it for what it is and start picking up the broken pieces. Gather yourself and start healing so you can move on. Take this as a lesson learned and avoid making the same mistake in the future.

Do not listen anymore to any married man (no matter how many sad stories they tell you or how pathetic they make their life sound like) and be specially watchful for those who prey on vulnerable women.

[Wakeup]

Well, you're even more mixed up then I thought you were if you DIDN'T have sex with him. At least having had sex with him would have been some kind of reason why you would be SOOO not thinking of your own best interests to carry on with this nut-job who SOOO doesn't like or love his wife but chose her over you anyway.

Grow your own self-worth and quit trying to change your story every time you post. Grow your own self-worth and (as dontaskme says) take responsibility for your own dismal state of emotional disrepair over him.

You have childhood issues. People who have eating disorders, self-harm, have low self worth had issues when they were doing those things. Please stop trying to justify. You know what I'm saying. It's getting to the point where I think that neither any of us (through straight shooting or over-the-top enabling) will ever break your wall of denial. I even wonder what kind of success your therapist/counsellor is having and if you haven't been discussing this mess you got yourself into with him/her then I highly suggest you start in your next session.

Whether or not you change your story or clarify after the fact it STILL doesn't change the fact that you didn't look after your own best interests and when you carried on with a married man without making a point to be introduced to his wife if all it started out as is friendship, then you allowed yourself to ROMANTICALLY bond to someone who was NOT FREE TO BE ROMANTICALLY BONDED TO. That's called an emotional affair just to enlighten you and it's still an affair.

Stop justifying and start taking responsibility for the way you treated YOURSELF.

Take your own actions into account and stop trying to deflect your piss poor behaviour to yourself back to me... This thread is about you and where you went wrong and what you can do to correct your current state of emotional breakdown. You'll never start to feel happy again if you don't admit your own culpability to yourself, forgive yourself and then learn to look after your heart better.

You might also stop justifying what you did to yourself by saying that you're not the only woman who has done this. What possible comfort do you get from being in a group of women that has ****ed ver their own emotional well being by carrying on with a married man? It doesn't matter that you're not the only one. It does matter that like the others that didn't have their own best interests in mind when they lay with a cheater... you all ended up "shredded" from it.

Why do you think you keep picking men that are not good for you? What is in you that you need to be trying to change the person you fall for into who you want them to be rather then finding someone who is exactly who you want them to be and is actually free to be yours. Are you afraid to commit to someone who is actually available to be yours so you pick those that never really will be, those that physically, mentally or in the case emotionally abuse you?

What do you think is going on there?