It keeps affecting me

[Ellis1989]

Dear all,

I'd like to share my story for advice, a bird-view and just to release my thougts. I am so done with feeling pain.

In februari 2014 I met Jay. It was amazing, from the first moment we saw each other. I never had this before and I can say, I have some experience in relationships.
We dated for 6 months. It was amazing: we laughed, the sex was great and he was fully into me.
One day we were laying in bed. I don't know how the conversation started, but it came to the point if we were in a relationship or not. I thought we were, but he said: no we are not in a relationship, we have fun, that's all.
I was heartbroken. I left, felt horrible, heartbroken and used by the man I thought he was 'the one'.

1 week later he called me: he missed me and wanted to continue dating. I agreed.

2 months passed by (total 8 months), I was happy with him, but also a bit insecure. He told me he liked me, but he didn't know what he wanted.
The insecurity got worser and I needed clarification. I was madly in love. I asked him the next: all or nothing. The answer was nothing. I left in tears.

1 month later he called again: he missed me and wanted to meet up. As heartbroken and miserable I was, I agreed again. We had a great evening. But my heart broke when he said he slept already 'casually' with someone else. I asked me to stay over that night, but I took the taxi.
He didn't really contacted me after.

In December he sended me a long e-mail. He told me how much he missed the fun times. I told him I couldn't meet him: I was still in pain, I thought of him all the time and I just couldn't be friends with him. I asked him not to contact me. Everytime he did, I felt worser than before.
Because the point: the whole time he contacts me, he is sweet, charming and.. acting like he is into me.

I saw him by accident in february. He was sweet and charming again and overloaded me with messages, to leave me alone again after a few days texing me.

I was dissapointed, again. I told him to never contact me again. I explained all the feelings I felt and that I had difficulty to get over it.

I saw him again, by accident, one month ago. I don't know why, but I cried. I just couldn't help it. It was the most amazing 8 months of my life, and they were gone, distroyed and lost. I removed him after that from facebook. Facebook is just facebook, but my oh my, it's may (more then a year ago since I met him) and still.. I can't keep him out of my head.

I met a great man recently, who likes me and is really good to me. But I can't open up myself somehow to anyone.

I still love Jay and i'm affraid i always will. We are NC and.... you know what I'm gonna say. And still....... how can I forget Jay? I want to forget him so badly. But all the things he said, it feels so confusing. He was talking about a future with me. He said he had fear of connection, he said he never felt the way he felt for me, and the cruel thing is: the last time he saw me (one month ago) he said 'i will miss you when i'm with a boring girlfriend on the couch in the future'. Like, how can someone say that? After months of feeling heartbroken and still feeling sick of it? Is this a sick twisting game? I want to be confident, I want to think: just f off, but I can't. I just f can't. I think of him every moment, every day. I'm a sweet girl and I don't look bad, Jay is quiet arrogant and i'm sure he will not find a girl like me. This sounds stupid, but well....... it's what i think, or maybe just hope he will find that out one day.

I'm tired of this pain and putting my life and feelings on hold. I want to move on so badly for such a long time.

Maybe you have any advice? I will print it out.. to remind myself.

Love, Ellis

(i will post this as well in 'advice from a guy' if you guys don't mind)

[Vw_beetle]

Hi sweetheart.

I'm so sorry that you at going through this. I have a similar story. A guy I still like for more than 10 years. He likes me too but he doesn't want to be serious. He loves you but he's being untrue simply because he doesn't want to be serious and promise you anything. So you need to be firm. Cut him out of your life. He should not be able to reach. Change your number. He knows where you are. He lol never be that guy you can lean on. So move on. It won't be easy. But goodluck.

You never know I don't mean to give you hope but if you do that he may realize that he can't live without and he may come running to you with a proposal but this is very weak. Since he didn't man up. He won't in a million years. So throw away everything. If you need to move away do so. You can't have anything lying around that reminds you of him. Otherwise you cannot move on. When you think of him you need to snap out and think about sth else. Create an imaginary delete button. I do that. And just do sth else. Like call a friend go to the store get candy drive around. You can't think about him. Goodluck

- - - Updated - - -

I thought I replied. Here it is again:

He loves you but he's not being a man. He doesn't want to label it as a relationship cause you would expect him to propose sometime in the next few years. He's just a player who wants to have fun with no strings attached.

You need to remove all of his things. Like throw them away. You should not be reminded of him constantly. If you have to move to another country do so. But you need to forget him. Good luck.

[Wakeup]

You've not gotten over him yet because you dwell in your obsession of him instead of doing the mental work you should do to get over him and to the stage of indifference to him.

Here is how you will stop hurting and actually be open in mind and heart to be with someone new and not use them as a human bandaid to help you stop hurting. (don't be using men to get over some self-interested douche bag)

Stop clinging to your hope and dreams and wishes that he'd suddenly change and want you in a monogamous and committed manner. You always take him back so he always contacts you when it suits him and then you willingly lay with him once again which brings out your lust and infatuation to the point that you're addicted to the experience once again.

You need to take him down off the admiration platform you currently have him on. He is a self-serving player and opportunist who played on your vulnerability and addiction to him EVEN after knowing that you loved him when he did not love you. He would make a lousy LIFEmate. He's too selfish and self-important to give up his ability to take advantage of willing, low self-esteemed women who let men who have clearly told them that he doesn't want what they want but he'll keep taking as long as you're giving.

You aren't over him at all simply because you haven't accepted the truth. You haven't forgiven yourself for your own culpability in this and you've not done the mental work you need to do to stop dwelling in your thoughts of him. Once you start purposely changing the subject of him from your thoughts when he pops into your mind, once you accept he's never been a good man or partner, once you rehab from your sexual addiction to him, once you go cold turkey withdrawl by blocking and deleting him and so you don't anticipate his contact.. You will be on your way to that blissful stage of indifference to him.

Start by realizing he would never have been a decent good man to you. Decent and good men don't keep coming back to take advantage of women they know are in love with them when they don't love them back.

- - - Updated - - -

P.S. Even when he contacted you he told you "he missed the fun times" but he NEVER asked you to be in a monogamous committed relationship with you, did he?

Forgive yourself for taking him back in the same manner that you parted in. If you learn from this then you'll also heal much quicker because you'll stop viewing yourself as a victim and rather take responsibility for what you allowed.

You'll be fine, once you accept the truth of the matter.

[Vw_beetle]

wow. hats off for wakeup.. I actually learned something from you.. thank you for your point of view. I never looked at it this way...

[TablesandChairs]

Ah, the mind-f*ck guy. One of the worst. They're incredibly charming, funny and seemingly so into you that you think 'of course he wants more! of course he wants a relationship!'. They usually have impeccable manners to the point that they make every other guy you've dated seem like a dud. In my experience, these guys are at no shortage of female attention - even if they're not amazingly good-looking, their charm, humour and other qualities put them at the top of the pecking order. And, upon realising this - they realise they don't need to settle down just yet.

I totally understand that you probably feel stupid for falling in love while he fell in 'fun' - but you didn't misread the signs, they were there...but his underlying motives were very different to yours. A guy I dated was much the same and I realised that there was very limited genuineness behind everything he said/did. Any guy that can make you feel like the queen of his world one day...and just a 'friends with benefits' the next...is an emotional chameleon best avoided.

So, basically - you're not alone. Wake-up's advice is great; he will never give you what you want...he's only capable of giving you a bit of fun here and there, but you're well past that stage. And as mentioned previously - he's a bit of an arsehole, too. You don't play games with someone you know loves you just because you're bored and they happened to enter into your thoughts. You'll get past it, believe me - it's a bit like being under some kind of spell but it lifts and you start seeing things clearly.

[Ellis1989]

Thank you very much, all of you. Thank you for the time. You guys are great, really.
I will def. read this over as much as I need to recover. And yes.. it's a lesson learned.

I wish you all the very best, and I hope to help some other people out on this forum.

Bless you all!