...Im a bit confused about my ex, and what I should do...

[OneNightOnly]

Hey all! A couple months back, I posted a thread about my ex...im almost ashamed to say that im still on the fence about all of this :/

So, we were together for over one year, we broke up because he moved(my mother didn't let me visit him because she feels that its his place to visit me, and he hasn't even gotten a job yet so he doesn't have money to see me) I haven't seen him in a year, we broke up officially around 9 months ago.

Ok. So, he still acts like we never broke up. He texts good morning, good night, I love you, I miss you, and even expects me to say these things back to him. I obviously dont, because I dont feel like it's appropriate, and I have said it straight up: "I will not say those things back to you because im not your girlfriend anymore." He tries to be slick and claim that friends say those things to each other all the time, but I sure dont text one of my friends "Goodnight, I love you" every single night before bed. And I never will. It honestly makes me uncomfortable.

The thing is, I have no negative feelings towards him, but the situation is just making me feel really weird. My mom asks about him all the time, asks if I talk to him(and acts really surprised oddly enough when I say that I haven't...It's almost as if she expects me to still be heavily involved in his life or something?), goes on and on about how much she liked him, etc...but I dunno...I just feel weird about it. I mean, I feel kinda stupid just walking away from a guy who didn't do anything to hurt me. But at the same time, I'm turning 18...I feel like I wanna be out there meeting different guys(not necessarily dating them, however...) whom I could be more compatible with. Like, I definitely do not believe in the concept of a soul mate, but I know in my next relationship I want more...I want to have more values in common, more hobbies in common. Like, I know there are sweet guys out there who I can talk about philosophical things with as well as silly things with at the same time. Someone who would love to travel with me, sit around and play video games with me, and who I can bond with on a deeper level...I guess Im looking for more of a mental connection? (And please, if my expectations are too high, let me know) Looking back on our relationship, yeah we had fun together(and made out a lot lol) but...I guess that was just it? My memory could be fuzzy or something lol

I feel like we're holding on to each other, and theres no point anymore. What to do? How can I get him to understand that I dont think we should get back together? (I've told him this before, but he wont listen, and I dont know what to do anymore)

[basilandthyme]

You need to be firm with your ex. Tell him that he's no longer your boyfriend. Tell him that his actions are making you uncomfortable and make it clear that he needs to stop. Tell him that if he can't respect your boundaries, you will cut him off. And if he won't stop doing this, you MUST cut him off. Block his phone number and block him on social media.

You are young and have a whole future ahead of meeting great new guys and having wonderful experiences. Your expectations aren't too high - your only fault is in not standing up to the disrespect of your ex.

[SueNami]

I know there are sweet guys out there who I can talk about philosophical things with as well as silly things with at the same time. Someone who would love to travel with me, sit around and play video games with me, and who I can bond with on a deeper level...I guess Im looking for more of a mental connection? (And please, if my expectations are too high, let me know)

I DO NOT think your expectations are too high. AND I think you will forever be unhappy if you settle for less... HOWEVER it is almost always necessary to compromise. So make sure you are never compromising on the things that make you happiest and most fulfilled.

[TheEvilJester]

You are young. It would be different if you were both adults with your own jobs, own homes, and you actually could travel back and forth to see each other. Right now, you are too young to have to do that. It is a shame that an otherwise good relationship would be broken up just by distance, but what can you do? It isn't like you could, and nor should you, move in together at this stage.

So, it is sad, and it is unfortunate, but you did the right thing. Quite frankly, it doesn't sound like he is a bad guy. I think it is nice that he feels like he can't quite let go of you. But, the fact of the matter is he has to let go, for his sake and for yours. If you haven't already done this, I would just have a talk with him. Just be honest. Nothing really came between you two. It isn't like he hurt you. There is nothing he did wrong that he could fix by changing, it is just that you are not yet ready for that level of commitment, and you are too young for a long distance relationship.

Hopefully you don't have to go the route of actually blocking him/changing your phone number/etc, but if he refuses to take the hint you may have to do just that.

Also, for the record....


You could have stopped at mentioning you want a guy to play video games with you. You could pretty much get any guy with a desire like that. LOL!

Good luck to you.

[fukushima123]

The reason why you feel weird is also because he obviously isn't taking your feelings seriously.
I think putting your foot down is the general consensus here.
Make the summer a good one and try to meet different people

[basilandthyme]

Jester, she's already told him but apparently he won't listen...hence my far more direct approach. I wouldn't suggest going in so hard if conversations had not already been had

I think that game playing in the dating world has done more harm than good. There seems to be some kind of expectation for women to play 'hard to get' so that the guys will keenly chase. The unfortunate side effect being that some men can't figure out the difference between a woman who plays games and a woman who actually means "no".

Despite never having played games in the past (If I want a guy, he will be in no doubt) I have been chased by a man who I've firmly said "no" to. I find it disrespectful and intimidating. I can only assume that this man thought I was playing games.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, you could be right, basil. Not that she should HAVE to, but it does seem like she needs to take a bit more firm of an approach with him. I mean, it may be possible the conversation could still be firm but friendly. I guess that depends whether or not she's already tried that approach and how much. I may just be misinterpreting, but it doesn't necessarily sound like she's had a discussion with him to just say something to the effect of "Look, what we had was great, but I am just not ready to become that serious and I need to move on." Perhaps this is just the way I personally interpreted it, but I kind of got the impression it was more just a "Well, we live too far away now so we'll have to break it off" kind of thing. If that is the case, I could understand why he'd try to be persistent, and he certainly shouldn't be blamed for trying to keep together a relationship he thought was going well.

All that said, she has tried to be nice about it and he isn't taking the hint. So, yeah, time to be a little more firm, or perhaps even start to be not quite so nice. A shame if you have to go that route, but if he's not getting it, maybe he needs the wake up call.

[OneNightOnly]

Thank you guys I'm not a firm type of person, so its difficult for me to put my foot down sometimes, but I know what I have to.

He was my first bf, and he was good to me, so I'm terrified to let go completely...but I know that I can, and that I have to. I'm just scared that I'll meet nothing but jerks...and I'll regret ever letting him go, but I know that I want more. I'm not looking for a soulmate, not looking for a perfect guy, and I'm more than willing to compromise. But its like, all around me, girls and women complain that all men are jerks...and that scares me, because I don't want to end up like that. But at the same time, I know I want more...I'm just really scared...

I'll keep you guys posted

[basilandthyme]

OneNightOnly, there are many, many wonderful guys out there. Especially at your age when they haven't yet been snapped up.

I too have known women who say that all men are jerks. But these women all had one thing in common - they kept choosing jerks which the rest of us wouldn't touch with a 40ft pole. And truth be told, most of these women were also people who you don't miss when they're not around.

If you have a strong sense of self and don't settle for someone who treats you badly, you won't end up with a jerk. Sure, it may take a few dates to figure out that a guy is a jerk - but as long as you move on when you see it, you'll be fine.

[TheEvilJester]

He was your first boyfriend, and that will always be special. Under the circumstances you describe, you have a very unique and unusual situation. That is, a very amicable breakup. In your case, it sounds like there were no hurt feelings, no arguments, no spat, nothing huge and terrible that ended the relationship. It just ended up not being the right fit. If it turns out that is really just due to the distance now that you aren't geographically close, who knows? Maybe fate will eventually bring you back together. If it turns out that the distance was just a convenient excuse to end a relationship where there wasn't necessarily anything wrong, but you two just weren't the right match, then consider it a rare stroke of luck. You got to end the relationship without the usual explosion and hurt feelings of a relationship coming to an end. Even when breakups are amicable, it is rare that they are this amicable.

Now, hopefully he can take the hint and move on as well. As it seems the general consensus has agreed here, you may need to start to be a little more firm, but hopefully that will be all it takes to get him to realize it is time for you both to move on.

Really, I don't think it is entirely such a bad thing that he has been so persistent. If he thought you two were a great match, why would he NOT try to fight for that? But, you've made it clear that you need to move on, so eventually he needs to understand that and do the same. So, though I don't think it is such a bad thing that he gave it a shot, at the same time he needs to realize when it is the time to realize it isn't going to happen so he can let you both move on.

Hopefully he does that without you having to get to a point where you are pushed too far to be nice about it anymore.

And, yes, there are plenty of good people out there. It may be hard to believe sometimes. Heck, I know I am currently at a state where I am not so sure anymore. But, they ARE out there, and eventually you will find a guy with whom you truly do click. Somebody with whom you can see a future. For now, you are young. No need to worry about it too much now. Good luck to you.