I cheated - now we're 9 months in...

[OfficialTG]

I've been dating my gf for almost a year now. we're both in college and are in our early 20s.

She is amazing and I think I'm in this for the long haul.

I got caught cheating two months in - she decided to stay with me after I vowed to gain her trust again.

She suffers from anxiety, and sometimes it'll take over her mindset and suddenly she starts making me feel guilty about my mistake.

9 months after I got caught, nothing has changed. Not only does she have these anxiety attacks at times, but I also feel like her respect for me has diminished.

I feel as though I tried to make up for my mistake by making sure I'm always around (I pretty much live with her) and avoiding getting too impassioned when she does something out of line.

she says she trusts me and that she wants to be with me long term (she's very in love with me) but I also think she's gotten very comfortable given my desperate attempt at gaining her trust.

last night she told me something that really bothered me. She was reminiscing about the early days of our relationship and how "together" I seemed. And how now I appear more human. I wasn't sure how to take that and in a way I thought that comment was an indictment on how comfortable she is with me, but also that she no longer sees me as someone to be revered and respected.

I want this relationship to work, but I can't think of a way to build respect and trust.

I really don't know what to do here and I need guidance. I just feel like I'm not the shiny new car I used to be and I think it has a lot to do with how I handled the aftermath of being caught cheating.

[bamisepeters]

Once u kno wat the problem is u r nt farm d solution... Stop cheating, trust isnt easy to gain once lost... Put her in ur shoes too... She will trust u again but stop cheating bcos it might b d day she wl b convinced of trusting u that u wl b caught again.

[fukushima123]

Someone telling you that you seem more human is never a bad thing.
It just means she no longer puts you on a pedestal.
On the bright side, all relationships get to a point where two people see the more human side of each other and hopefully they no longer put each other on a pedestal because it can get in the way of having a balanced relationship.
I think you are just afraid that she is keeping a closer eye on you and isn't going to be as easy to fool now.
Hopefully that is not suggestive of you thinking of cheating on her again.
Your relationship has changed.
Figure out how it has changed (maybe go to therapy) and if this is a relationship you both see yourselves in.

[basilandthyme]

Well you can't be that shiny new car forever! At some stage, that car becomes a beloved old vehicle which never lets us down. She's simply taken off her rose coloured glasses and sees you for who you are.

I'm concerned about the anxiety issues and her still raising the issue of her cheating. At some stage, she must let this go. Or let the relationship go. But for her to continue in this way is not healthy for either of you.

I honestly feel that it's time you have the discussion about moving past it. Thing is, each time she raises the issue and you reassure her, you're giving positive feedback for her behaviour. So she will keep doing it. It's time she learns how to either let go of the issue or to self soothe.

Is she seeing a therapist for her anxiety issues? If not, she should be. We all owe it to ourselves and our partners to be in the best emotional place we can be in a relationship.

[Wakeup]

Yes, its time she stopped getting positive reinforcement from you when she brings up your cheating. Don't entertain her insecurity but rather tell her kindly but matter of factly that you and she can't keep having the same type of conversation. That you're with her, and that if she wants the relationship to remain then it's time to let it go and get on with being happy together in trust and security. You might want to remind her that you have told her previously that you will not be making choices like you did in the past, that you've learned your lesson and you have boundaries in place that you will not cross... then change the subject.

FYI: The honeymoon stage always peters out and the new relationship energy is replaced by calm and serenity, fondness and love (not lust). At this point in your relationship, if you want it to last, it's important that you keep your seduction up, your flirting going on and you do things together that are fun and will stimulate the mind because if you just take each other for granted and do nothing but watch t.v. then you will notice that you're even feeling far less then no longer shiny and new.

When is the last time the two of you did something fun and spontaneous?

[TablesandChairs]

It's not an uncommon reaction to cheating - insecurity, doubt, anger. As nice as it would be to be able to put all that in the past and do the whole 'clean slate' thing, in reality - most people have lingering doubt that manifests in various ways; they might get nasty, pull away, test boundaries etc. When trust is broken, something pretty damaging occurs - even if the aim is to 'forgive and forget'.

You need to explain the following:

a) you cheated and you're 100% aware of how wrong it was and that you will not, under any circumstances, repeat that behaviour.

But also

b) for the relationship to work, you can't be on the back-foot forever. Without a genuine attempt to move on, the relationship is more or less doomed to fail. No, you're not a shiny new toy - you're human and you've tried to make up for mistakes. If that's not enough, that's okay - she can leave you, as many people do when they've been cheated on. But if she decides to stay, she needs to work to make it work.

[megvoh]

She forgave you but can't forget about it, maybe always waiting for it to happen again? What do you mean by " you got caught cheating"? did she see you cheating on her?

[romanticguy]

Tough spot, dude. I'm in a similar situation. I didn't physically cheat but hid that I was hanging out with my ex, trying to maintain a friendship with her. No sex or anything, but still definitely a betrayal of trust. And it left open the possibility in her mind that I did screw around.

I'm definitely paying the price for it now. At least she's trying to get past it and deals with it better each time something reminds her of what happened.

I feel that same sense of a loss of something in the relationship when it comes to how we look at each other and especially how she looks at me. It's really sad to me because the passion and love we shared until recently was one of those things you hope you can maintain for a lifetime together. It seems like such a letdown now and the future looks so different. I know it's my fault and I don't really have much room to complain, but I'm just letting you know how I feel about that sense of loss. I love her and hope to rebuild that trust someday.

Good luck, brother.