Is he just messing with my heart?

[lovage143]

Ok, this is a long, complicated story so I will try to make it as short and to the point as possible. A few months ago I left a 3 year relationship and unexpectedly met someone at work. This was in the end of February. He had been casually dating another girl from work before this but once we hung out he stopped seeing her and was focused on me. He was somewhat distant with me though and like the third time we went out he dropped a bombshell on me. He had only been working at the store for like 6 months because he had moved up from FL so he told me that he was moving back in a month or so to finish school. We had only gone out a couple times so I was like, "ok, that's fine. Let's enjoy time with each other now and just keep in touch." But he was adamant about making a commitment to each other and trying long distance for the year while he finished his degree because he "didn't want to lose me." It all seemed a little crazy and super fast to me but we spent more time together and I decided to just take a chance and see where it goes. He seemed to really have a plan for his future and it included me and he's a sweet, fun, good lucking guy who likes commitment and security and shares many of the same interests and outlook on life as me so why not see where it goes.

He was hesitant about making moves to head back to FL until I agreed to make plans to visit so I could see him and meet his family and friends. So I took some time off from work and around the end of March he bought me a plan ticket for a week in the middle of May. So for the next month we spent almost every day together. I even had him over and cooked a big family dinner so he could meet everyone. Him and I also video chatted with his family once. During this time we got really close. We had been intimate physically and emotionally and we spent a lot of time laughing and having fun together. He told me very often how serious he is about me and how strong his feelings are. He told me that he knew in his heart that I am for him and he would do everything in his power to make our relationship work.

He had mentioned from the very beginning that he had only had one relationship and that it was very poor. He told me she was his first love but that they were very different from each other in an incompatible way and that they were together for a very long time but were not in love. And that it was hard for him to leave because she always made him feel bad about it and even though he didn't love her she still wanted him. He said he wanted something real because that experience was very swallow and not fulfilling for him.

Anyway, we spent lots of time together and I believed he left for FL in mid April. We spoke everyday, sometimes several times a day. Then towards the end of April my ex called me which he had done before and I would tell my current guy because I didn't want any secrets. The first time I told him when he was still around. We talked in person and he reacted very maturely about it which was nice. But this time when I told him he was very upset. He was cold to me but I let him know throughout the day that he was my priority and had nothing to worry about about. I apologized for answering and told him I would ignore his calls because they were only causing trouble because my ex was telling me he missed me and it was making my current guy doubt my feelings, i thought. Me and my guy texted throughout that night. he said he was at his friends place and I believed him to still be in FL. However he texted me at like 2 that night saying to call if i was up because he just got home. So i called and he was acting very odd and told me to look out my window so i did and he was outside my house, waved, and walked away into the night. I was obviously shocked and totally freaked out because he was supposed to be in FL. He wouldn't explain until the next day because I told him that he scared me and that that was unacceptable behavior. He explained he was visiting his father near by and planned on surprising me but that he got really upset when I told him about the phone call with the ex. I definitely did not agree with the behavior but I could understand his side too so I told him he needed to work on his communication if this was going to work. We never saw each other during "that visit." we only spoke about that over the phone.

I was shaken from and disappointed by that experience because I hadn't seen him act like that before. He always seemed pretty patient, understanding, and mature up until that point. He seemed like he was losing it a little because he was like, "i feel so strongly about you I just want to make sure you are serious too." meaning that i won't go back to my ex. So we moved on from that weird incident and things were going alright right up until about a week before I was supposed to leave for FL. There was one day I didn't hear from him at all and couldn't reach him all day which was unusual for him. He later said he was off surfing with friends and left his phone. And I was sensing distance from him. Something was off. Then one day I was feeling a little anxious so when he called I tried talking to him about it and he got very short and even kind of mean with me. He basically just didn't want to deal and any other time I was ever having a tough time he was so patient and loving. He even told me on multiple occassions to come to him for anything because he wanted me to be happy and taken care of. I did not like how he treated me so I just kind of backed off and gave him space. I kept things light when we spoke and decided to address it in person because the communication was off, I thought maybe due to being so far away from each other.

A couple of days later his phone service disabled his calls because they said they hadn't received payment so he messaged me on a messaging app and we communicated like that until the night before I was supposed to leave. I knew something was wrong and I didn't feel comfortable going unless we talked on the phone. We started to and then he abruptly ended the conversation and never called back. The next morning while leaving for work I got a notification that his ex had started following me on instagram. I thought she was in FL too and it all seemed so weird. I texted him asking why is she doing that and he sent me a text back saying that with everything that has happened he doesn't think we are ready for this. This was Sunday morning and I was supposed to be heading to the airport for a 6 am flight on monday. He told me he'd call later to talk and since I realized there was way more to the story I told him no need to talk wish you the best and do whatever makes you happy. I was sick of the games and guessing. But a little later that day his "ex" commented on a picture of a drawing I had given him that was on my instagram and said "thanks for the drawing you gave my husband" and tagged him in the comment. He then blocked me from his phone and instagram.

This all happened this past sunday. It is now Saturday and I had't heard anything until last night when his MOTHER texted me saying she wanted to explain what's been happening. She called me today and explained that the two had actually gotten married 5 years ago when he was only 19. They are both from the Dominican republic but he was already a citizen living in FL and she wasn't. His mother did not want them to get married but he said it's what he wanted. His mother ended up having to house the two of them and she said she never liked the girl. She was very spoiled and expected everything to be handed to her and she never spoke to anyone in the family. Which is what he had told me of her as well. After about 4 months he told his mom he wanted a divorce because he didn't love this girl. His mother went to the Dominican republic to talk to the girls's parents and they basically said he agreed to marry her so they would need to take care of her and she wanted citizenship. So she lived with them for a year until his mother said she couldn't handle it anymore. And the girl was unhappy anyway because he didn't love her and never wanted to touch her or be sexual with her. She had family in CT so she moved up here. The whole story isn't totally clear to me but for some reason he eventually went up to live with her. His mother made it sound like there was always a lot of guilt and the girl's arents involved in his decisions. Sooo when I met him while he was living up here he was living with this girl in this crazy situation and actually lied to me for the last month and has been in CT. He actually went back to FL this past Sunday when I was supposed to go with him. His mother told me that he cared about me but was scared to tell me and she didn't think it was right so she reached out. And she said the reason things got crazy on Saturday and I never finished my phone conversation with him was because he had all his bags packed for FL and the girl found my drawing that I gave him and he told her about me. Now his mom tells me he is staying down there looking for a job and that she wants to take him to therapy because he's been in this very manipulative relationship with this girl and her parents. And she said he still cannot finalize the divorce until 2016 because he feels so guilted by his wife's family to get her citizenship. It's a very weird situation because even though they are married it sounds like they have not truly had a relationship for a very long time. And even though he definitely was not honest in explaining his situation everything he had said about this girl and the dynamic of the relationship is true based on what his mother also told me.

I finally spoke to him after speaking with his mom. He apologized profusely and said what he did was unforgivable. He also said that he loved me so much and that all he wanted was to be with me but that he messed up and was now paying the price. He said he wish he could go back and do everything right. I feel for his situation because he got caught up in something really unfortunate and he just wants to be happy and move on with his life and have good relationships but obviously trust is really broken between us. Neither of us are trying to pursue a relationship obviously but I am still so in love with him. I still think about us together I think about how much I miss being close to him and everything I wanted to share and experience with him. And even more than that I truly love him unconditionally as a person. I want to see him grow, get out of this situation, move on and be happy. I know no matter what I need to move on from this but in the back of my mind I wonder if things could ever work between us in the future. He still claims he loves me so strongly that he never thought he could feel this way for someone and that his heart will always be mine no matter what happens in our lives. He said he's not trying to get me back but maintains that i am the only one who will ever have his heart.

What should I believe and how do I begin to heal from this? I still desire him so strongly and want to love him and care for him and have adventures with him and grow and share my life with him. I am out of my mind for feeling this way? I know I will not form a relationship now because I deserve better but I can't just turn off my feelings for him and I almost hope we'll end up together somehow as crazy as it sounds.

Sorry this was so long. It's really been a drama and a half. I'm just needing some outside perspective. I appreciate any feedback. Thank you ❤

[TablesandChairs]

If he loves you as much as he claims, he'd move to where you are, he'd put all your doubts to rest - with your permission, he might decide to stay married to his 'wife' until her citizenship clears up if that's what he feels he owed her/her family but he should make it clear that their relationship is on paper only. OR he could just divorce her because at some point, living your own life is more important that some fake marriage for citizenship purposes.

Instead, he's making a lot of excuses, he's going backward, acting weirdly, confusing the crap out of you and at the end of the day - he's with her, not you. Anyone can declare their love verbally; not everyone can back it up. In other words, where there's a will, there's a way. He chose to lie and deceive, basically setting you up for failure and toying with your heart. You were honest with him and I think you'd have forgiven him HAD he fessed up and done things right...but he's a baby who lets his mother do the talking.

[lovage143]

Thank you for your response. I tend to make a lot of excuses for the people I love and I forgive way too easily. Every word or action on his part always leaves me with more questions. He told me the other night that he was going to call the following day and tell me everything and that he was heart broken and missed me. After everything I wasn't expecting much from him because he clearly has deep issues and has proven he is a coward but I'm giving him this option to clear his conscience and sure enough he never called. I'm not sure if he really cares but just cannot bring himself to tell the whole truth to me or if he is just incapable of real love and just telling me what he thinks I want to hear without realizing how it would affect me. Either way he definitely has major issues and I will go insane trying to figure him out. If he really cared about and loved me he would want to set things right with me. I am very understanding and easy to talk to. I have no intention of judging or chastising him for his actions if he choises to tell me. I'm only offering to listen as a step toward him unburdening himself of all these very heavy lies and so he can change his life for the better. But it's his life and he's got to want and work towards changing for himself. I will not contact him and when and if he ever chooses to talk I will listen but I don't expect much of anything from this guy at this point.

[lovage143]

Also, based on what his mother told me (because I still haven't heard his version and probably never will) he is now in FL with his mom and family. He left his wife here in CT where I live and she's only like 20 minutes from where I live. And he is about to enroll in school down there and probably also wants distance between him and his wife which would explain why he doesn't want to live up here. He had all along been making plans with me to move somewhere after he graduated and we even talked about me possibly getting a place with him down there for the year he was still in school. That's how serious I was about this guy! he was talking, marriage, kids, forever with me but he may just be a complete liar. I don't know what his end game truly was and probably never will.

It is just so hard for me to turn off my feelings for someone. I'm a very sensitive, honest, and expressive person and it is hard for me to even understand that there are people out there who are just complete liars and users. I tend to believe in the good in people and it usually leaves me hurt. But then I forgive because I think everyone is hurt or woundedin some way and just doing the best they have learned or know how to love and be loved and i don't want to hold resentment in my heart. On the flip side I am very hard on myself.

I like that I am loving and forgiving but I want to change my ways and not find myself in situations where people take advantage of me. And not to sound conceited but I'm a very attractive woman with a beautiful face and a very womanly body (fit with curves, big butt and big chest) so I get a lot of male attention and male friends who fail for my looks and gentle nature. I have numerous outside perspectives who mention that my looks are a major factor in my problems with men. I have tried to deny it and dont see myself as being particularly beautiful. Yes, I see myself as attractive but it is others who tell me that I am blind to my own charms and that men are always after me. So yes, it does draw people towards me and is something I am not fully comfortable with. I'm also a talented artist and dancer so i have a lot of creative and seductive outlets that attract people to me and I'm not always entirely sure if they are motivated just by external beauty and lust or something deeper. I usually think it's something deeper but maybe I'm naive. Like because I have a big heart I draw in people needing to be healed. So obviously I have some major hangups of my own and self esteem and confidence issues which is probably why I find myself in situations like this with people like him but I don't know how to change. I just want to be loved, accepted, and respected for who i am just like anyone else and I have so much love to give.

[Wakeup]

I think you should take him at face value which is: He's a lying, married man
instead of keeping him in your mind as the fantasy you've created about him. He's an ass clown who strung you along for his ride while having zero intentions of ever leaving the woman he chose to marry.

His mother is an enabling twat who also helped her son to string you along as they cheerily chatted to you over Skype as if you were the only one in his life.

Please do yourself a favor and get the therapy you need to help you to put this man in the slot that he should be in (cheating/liar/manipulator) and out of the slot you've put him in (unconditional lover of awesome magnitude).

He is a lying, cheating, opportunist who is now with a woman so that she can get her US Citizenship. What a piece of shit you admire so much.

Repeating for your benefit so that you see this more logically with your brain instead of through your lust and romantic eyes:

He is a lying, cheating, opportunist who is now with a woman so that she can get her US Citizenship. What a piece of shit you admire so much.

[lovage143]

Thank you for that! He is a liar and I definitely need therapy. I'm very overwhelmed and feeling like I need time away from work to sort my head out because not only am I dealing with this but I have my own issues with anxiety that I need help with. But I can't afford not to work. I work full time and the benefits of the company I work for not only do not cover mental but has a $3,500 yearly deductible. The employees voted nation wide for this package and probably picked it just because insurance is only $30 a month but obviously sucks and isn't helpful when someone is actually sick and needs help. Do you know of any resources I can explore to get the help I need? I'm trying to hold it together but I'm so tempted to tell my work I need more time off because I'm not in a good way right now. I'm trying very hard to focus on the positive and work on my art because I know I have a lot going for me. I'm just so emotional I obsess over things and it takes over my mind.

[Wakeup]

Thank you for that! He is a liar and I definitely need therapy. I'm very overwhelmed and feeling like I need time away from work to sort my head out because not only am I dealing with this but I have my own issues with anxiety that I need help with. But I can't afford not to work. I work full time and the benefits of the company I work for not only do not cover mental but has a $3,500 yearly deductible. The employees voted nation wide for this package and probably picked it just because insurance is only $30 a month but obviously sucks and isn't helpful when someone is actually sick and needs help. Do you know of any resources I can explore to get the help I need? I'm trying to hold it together but I'm so tempted to tell my work I need more time off because I'm not in a good way right now. I'm trying very hard to focus on the positive and work on my art because I know I have a lot going for me. I'm just so emotional I obsess over things and it takes over my mind.

I would suggest you go to your family doctor and tell him about your anxiety in general. There are very mild meds that will help you with that and your doc will be able to direct you to resources that may be more affordable to you or even free.

You will immediately start to feel better, more in control of your own decisions and emotions the minute you block him from reaching you. You wouldn't want anything further with him anyway... how would you ever trust him or his family even since they seem to enable his sociopathic activities for goodness sakes and then are so codependent that they justify his piss poor actions to YOU, who he manipulated. So, block and delete him, go to your doctor, get your anxiety under control in general and then set your mind to getting HIM OUT OF it by changing the subject every time he pops into your head.

If it helps you to start getting to the stage of indifference to him then contact him and his mother one more time to tell them to keep the hell away from you... what they both did is unconscionable , unforgivable and may Karma show them the error of their ways while a heard of fleas infest their armpits
and then block and delete them from your life forever.

[lovage143]

Wakeup, thank you so much for taking the time to read this whole saga! Haha and continuing to offer advice. I do have an annual doctor's visit coming up which is covered so I will talk to her and discuss my options for mental health care although I admit I'm not really into the whole medication idea. I'd rather treat through talk therapy, diet, exercise, conscious breathing, music, art, etc.

And as far as this little lying twerp I really do need to do everything I can to just erase him from my mind because he never has had a real conversation with me about everything and keeps saying how much he loves me. And I don't understand it because he's not saying it to be with me. I told him his actions say otherwise and I'd really rather he just admit I don't mean shit to him. And he never actually adresses anything about what actually happened which would show some kind of actual respect he just says how much he cares and that he's sorry and it's unforgivable. His mom said he was back in FL but by the way he is still acting so secretive I have suspicions he is still in CT with his wife. I probably wouldn't get an honest answer but do you think I should just call him up and ask if he's still here and how much his wife knows about where I live and/or work? Or just let it rest? At this point I just feel like with him anything can happen and I don't want to be shocked if I run into them somewhere or if this girl decides to come find me one day. Or if he decides to get jealous again and randomly shows up when he's supposedly 3,000 miles away.

[Wakeup]

As I mentioned: I think you should go zero contact and if in the off chance you run into him/them/her then just ignore them and get on with your life as if he was never in it. Don't talk to him anymore and don't expect him to ever apologize or explain. He's a selfish asshole who mis-represented himself and then had his mother cover his ass for him (thereby enabling his sociopathic actions). If He "randomly shows up" you don't have to answer the door or his call. You can call the police if he's harassing you though.

I doubt she'll cause you any bother. After all, she won't want anything interfering with her ability to get her citizenship.