bf's controlling father

[mangosago]

Hi everyone,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, the majority of it has been long distance. Recently we've started talking about marriage, and I was getting ready to quit my job and move countries to be with him. But I've started noticing he has a really controlling father, the red flags came up when his father gave him a deadline for us to get engaged, wanting everyone to live in the same house (which I don't feel comfortable with either). The latest drama was my bf's father forcing him to give nearly 80% of his monthly pay to him for "safekeeping", despite promising my bf that he would not try to control his finances just a month ago. My Bf's 26 and can manage his own finances perfectly well.

All this made me wonder what my life would be like marrying my bf. We are Asian, and he comes from a very traditional Asian family where the head of the family has the final say on everything, and women are disrespected. My bf has tried to talk to his father, to set boundaries, but his father just won't change. I know that if his father tries to make me do something I am not comfortable with, I will refuse and fight for my own rights. But my bf is unwilling to stand by my side. He told me he feels that he needs to listen to his parents as a form of respect, and can't go against them to protect my needs.

Him not agreeing to stand with me as a team to properly talk to his parents about my concerns hurts me a lot. I want to fight for this relationship as I truly love him, but I'm getting to the point of wanting to give up.

Am I thinking too much into the future worrying about something that hasn't happened yet? Am I going overboard with trying to make sure I will not be controlled by his family?

It just feels so sad to know that the main reason behind our potential breakup is his father, I'm at a loss.

[basilandthyme]

Mangosago, as sad as this is, be thankful that you're seeing it now. And it's not going to change. If you marry him, it must be with the knowledge that you will be forced to endure the patriarchal family set up which currently exists....and without complaint.

I think the only woman who would be happy in this family dynamic would be one who was also raised like this and doesn't question it.

Short of him moving to your country, I can't see a solution.

[TablesandChairs]

Looking ahead to the future is not being 'paranoid', it's being sensible. When people ignore red flags, they end up in crappy relationships, full of regret.

What you're seeing is what you stand to get into: a traditional family set-up where your partner is controlled by his parental unit and where your voice/needs/concerns are muted.

I would have a discussion with him outlining your expectations and what you will/will not tolerate.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with the others. You are NOT being overly-cautious in thinking of the future. If you get married, obviously the hope is that it is for the last time, meaning the goal is to be with that person and happy for the rest of your life. So, you should NEVER enter into that without thinking about all of that.

So, you are very right to be concerned about that. My instinct would be to say that your boyfriend needs to grow up and stop letting his father control his life. The thing is, maybe that is the culture for where he lives. Maybe that is just the way they do things. I may think that is wrong, but it isn't my room to judge if that is what their culture feels is right. So, if your boyfriend is fine with that and does not wish to change, it wouldn't necessarily be right of you to try to force him.....

However, that is NOT your culture, so it is also not right of anybody to force that upon you. Maybe in his culture it is okay to treat women that way, but you are not okay with that, nor should you have to be. So, if his father cannot respect your differences and not try to force his ways upon you, and your boyfriend won't stand behind you and have your back, then I'd say that he is not your match.

That would be very unfortunate and sad. It would be a shame for something like that to ruin what was otherwise a great relationship, but trust me, it is much better to realize that and end it now rather than to think you can just make it okay and find out later that it just won't work. If there were some middle-ground you could both agree upon, that would be fine. But, you should never compromise your values just for a relationship. If you would need to do that in order for a relationship to work, then it isn't the right relationship for you.

Now, if that isn't necessarily their culture (or it WAS, but is antiquated and most people no longer follow it) but his father is still that way, then that is a bit of a different story. Then, for his own damn sake he needs to grow up and be a man..... but that still doesn't change the fact that you shouldn't wait around for that to happen. So, as sad as it may be, as unfortunate as it may be, unless there is any chance of this changing, your best bet is to move on.

Good luck to you. I hope you wind up with a guy who gives you everything you want/need out of a relationship, whether that winds up being him or not.

[Wakeup]

You haven't been back since your original post. What has been going through your mind since you wrote that thread and have come to see that everyone (so far, including me) who has read it agrees that you'd be making a mistake to marry this man.

Your gut is warning you so don't ignore it.

My advice. Don't waste anymore time online with this man after you break up with him. Clean sever so that you can get over the disappointment of finding out that he does not have the strength to go against his father and that you will be that "disrespected female" you talk of if you are to join this man and his family in marriage.

[mangosago]

Hi everyone, thanks for your suggestions and replies. We're actually from the same country (Taiwan), we met in Australia when studying but then had to be in separate countries because of work. Back in the day it is normal for families in Taiwan for the father to make all decisions, but now many families have changed to be more accommodating to what the younger generation prefers. My bf's father is just particularly stubborn, and won't listen to anyone's suggestions.

my bf's tried talking to him and it doesn't work, but my bf cares alot about his family, and being in a different country I don't get to see their father/son dynamic other than what he tells me. But like everyone has mentioned, maybe he doesn't really stand up for himself enough because he is bought up that way and doesn't want all the family conflict. (I do know he has a habit of just giving up on things when he gets too tired of arguing) The easy way out is for him to move far away from home and problem solved but he's not financially ready to do that yet.

I've decided to have one last proper talk with him this week. We've been fighting through fb text messages and that's probably not good either. I'm going to outline what I would like in a marriage, and then see what he wants. Maybe we'll find a middle ground, maybe we won't. If not then like everyone had suggested, time to cut ties.
We do have a great relationship other than this current issue and cutting it will be painful. But I should be ok

Edit: Hitting myself over the head for taking 3 years to start noticing red flags

[TheEvilJester]

Don't beat yourself up too much. Sometimes things don't seem such a big deal until we really start to think about everything as a whole. I would venture to guess the level of just how controlling your boyfriend's father is wasn't necessarily as evident to you until things started getting more serious. In all likelihood, it probably didn't come up right away. Not to mention, when you are in what seems to be a good relationship, you often find yourself letting go of what you think are "little things."

Don't get me wrong, that CAN be very good. Absolutely nobody is perfect, so you definitely don't want to nitpick a person or you'll never wind up with anybody because you'll always find some fault. Unfortunately, though, sometimes you ignore what you think are little things, only to later realize maybe they aren't such little things after all.... or there are just too many "little things" and the sum of them becomes too big.

Sometimes things seem like the sort of thing over which you shouldn't end a relationship.... until you really sit down and look at the bigger picture. So, bottom line, don't feel too bad about yourself that you've been with him 3 years and didn't notice the red flags before. Just be happy it isn't 5 years, 6 years, 8 years, etc. Be happy, as well, that you are realizing them before you got married.

Now, maybe you two can actually learn to make it work somehow. Heck, if and when you two move out to live with each other, he won't be around his father practically 24/7 anymore. Still, if he cannot or will not become a man in his own right and continues to always let his father control him, then that will probably never change, and will probably become a bigger and bigger problem for you.

Good luck. Again, I hope everything works out for you, whether that means you wind up with this fella, or whether it means you eventually find somebody else.