is our relationship over ?

[khal]

Hi All

I'm really suffering at the moment and would appreciate peoples' views and comments / advice on my situation. I feel so lost, cant sleep, can't eat, feel sick, can't concentrate at work or home.

I'll try to be brief and thank you in advance for any time you spending reading and responding.

About me; I'm 35, professional male, 1 son age 8. I have my own house and my son is with me 2/3 times per week and every other weekend. I have had several girlfirends and breakups in the past as well as having been married and divorced, so have been through some tough times, just cant ever remember it being this bad.

About her: 39, professional female, 2 daughters. She has her own house and girls all the time apart from the every other weekend that cooincides with mine. Like me she was married and since divorced.

We met as she was going through the final stages of her divorce, started slowly and grew to have a fantastic relationship. We have been together for 4 years - things weren't perfect, we argued sometimes but made up. Because of having separate houses and kids we did not live together or spend 24hrs a day together but both valued our individual space and freetime. While we did do stuff with the kids together at first (holidays, days out etc.) over time we found the kids each prefer doing other things so our time was generally me staying at hers when I was free in the week or every other weekend. Those every other weekends were generally fantastic; we would do so much together, mini-breaks, movies and food etc. We did have a brief split about a year ago (caused by me) which no doubt did have a lasting impact, although we got back together and had many brilliant times after.

Of late I guess we have been doing more stuff independently; e.g. school holidays next week and she's going off on holiday with her girls somewhere and I've booked something separate with my boy, but we both discuss and agree that that is fine and suits us both. We also have holiday as a 5 booked for the summer, so its not like we are not making plans and commitments.

Recent weekends together I have found myself kind of wanting to do other things and space for myself, e.g. to go gym, watch football etc. I guess we haven't been as close as in the past and I've found myself quite happy to be either on my own or just with my son. We still kept in contact on phone its just I sometimes found I just wanted to be in my own house on my own couch, rather than at hers.

2 weeks ago I was at hers and we had an argument, not heated or shouting but resulted in me leaving her house at around midnight to go home. We were kind of amicable I just told her I needed to get my head straight and couldn't sleep so didn't want to lie next to her keeping her awake with my tossing and turning.

Phoned her the day after and she said she needs some space to think about us; initially I wasn't too bothered as felt I needed that too, so a week goes by of talking on the phone but not seeing each other. I asked if I could come over to see her but she said no, and I kind of wasn't too bothered. I was busy with work and exercise etc.

At the weekend we had a concert booked and both ummed and arred about going but in the end went; I really wasn't sure if I wanted to but we went and had an OK night but it was strange. I felt distant from her and she clearly did from me. We both stayed at her house that night but slept back to back with no contact and I left very early in the morning. Again because I wanted to.

The day after that night I started to miss her alot, I thought alot about what I wanted and realised I had been taking her for granted a bit, didn't realise how lucky I was etc etc. While I cant change our living situation I realise I had let the spark slip a bit and was too busy doing things I wanted at the expense of making effort with her.

I basically told her this and said I wanted to make a go of it, but she has asked for time and space as she is not sure we have future. She is concerned by how comfortable we are doing our separate things, and while she agrees we are wonderful together when we are together (on our weekends etc.) she is not sure if this is enough for her in the long term. She says she cares for me very much, doesn't want to hurt me but just isn't sure what she wants and whether it is best for us to end now. She has metioned that she can see being 40 just round the corner and feels that if our relationship doesn't progress that she may end up being on her own and is thinking about 5-10 years from now when the kids are grown and flown.

Despite asking for space we have spoken each night on the phone for the past 3-4 days, generally going over the same ground with me explaining why I think we so good and her saying she's not sure about our future. I think I've pushed a bit hard and we've agreed that I will not phone her again, but she has said she will contact me when she wants to talk.

The signals Im getting tell me its over and she is just building up the armour to make that final step. She has said she is still genuinely thinking about what she wants; sometimes she says she is clear on what she wants (which I understand to be us ending) but then she speaks to me and thinks about all the good stuff and then isn't sure again.

I'm confused as while initially I wasn't too bothered and almost welcomed the split it seems to have belated hit me like a freight train to the point I cant function. Any advice on this would be appreciated----- do you think its over for me too but I am just greiving for something we once had that is long gone? Why was I not bothered at first? (It wasn't like I thought oh she'll never leave me - I was at one point genuinely thinking I would be happier on my own)

I've promised her now to give her space and will honour the not calling, but man it is hard. I feel so sick. We have 4 days until she goes on holiday and she said she will ring me before she goes. She is then away for one week.

I will also be away with my son that week and want to have a really good time but am worried my holiday with him will be ruined by how I feel.....

What I would like I think is her to have her space, have her holiday, miss me and want to give it another go. What I fear is that the time and space is giving her the opportunity to steel herself to being on her own and the decision she will come to is that we will finish.

I apologise for the post but would greatly appreciate the views and input of anyone.

[TablesandChairs]

You've been together for 4 years and the thing that stood out to me the most (from your post) is the recurring 'space' thing. If it was me, I'd have expected more after 4 years - to blend the homes/families and your lives in general...otherwise what you're doing is essentially dating. And 4 years is a long time to just 'date' - I get why it would take longer when separate homes/kids are involved but again, 4 years is a while...no wonder things fizzled. You're both living separate lives so I'm wondering whether this is the right relationship for either of you. In her shoes, with the big '4-0' approaching, I too would be reassessing things and wanting something a bit more committed. Eventually having a talk about the future wouldn't go astray.

[dontaskme]

Your situation is not unusual. There are a lot of divorced couples living with their children and owning their homes and for different reasons, cannot blend the families together. Blending families is not as easy as packing your bags and children, then moving into one house together and expect to live happily ever after. There is the individual and family dynamics that you need to consider and surely, it is a lot harder than what other people think. Sure, living together is the ideal, and should be the end goal, but when you have kids, sometimes you need to set aside what you want and prioritize what is necessary at the time.

In your situation, since you have separate homes, you need to make time to see each other as much as you can, do more activities whether kids are involved or not and communicate openly. At your age and her age, sure it's nice to have some free time to do some other stuff on your own but don't make it a habit because it does create a wedge between the two of you.

Give her the space and time she needs to think, don't call her until she calls you. The time and space should not steer her away from you unless she is definitely done with the relationship, then no amount of talking, begging, nor space or time can change her mind. If she is willing to work on what you have, then the two of you will have to agree on a compromise that will be suitable for both of you and your children, in terms of spending more time together or living together.

One thing you have to remember though, do not sacrifice your needs and the needs of your child for her. Find a common ground that will work out for everybody, including your children.

[Wakeup]

Put the focus on you son and making sure that he has a good time and fun memories with his dad and keep your mind off of her and what will be.

Consider you and her ended and the holiday is the beginning of you and your son against the world. If you think of her while you're way... consider how much you'll have to do to make a life with her and really, is she who you would want to actually do all that for and to be as a married couple with or are you simply feeling a tad of withdrawl from the addiction of having her in your life? (which is quite normal and very temporary as you rehab from her)

[khal]

Hi All

I really appreciate your input.

More I think about the more I realise I was probably quite selfish with my time, turning down her suggestions for stuff to do things I wanted etc.

Is it common to be kind of indifferent and wanting space, i.e. even when she first discussed us splitting up I wasn't that bothered as I was enjoying time on my own and just busy doing my thing..... but then a week or so after first discussions this horrible feeling hits me like a bus, and I feel sick, cant sleep, cant eat.....

I think I still love her and want her back, so many good memories, not sure how I got to the position of pushing her away.... maybe taking her granted?

I just feel now that if I could do anything to get her to give it another go I would; I want to convince her to give us another chance.

Also feel so confused with this space while she thinks about things. I feel rotten but part of me is saying 'right, its over, pick yourself and get over her'.... but until I know for definite I cant do that, I don't want to push her as I want to give her the space she has asked for.

I'm so confused and hurt so much. Does this get any easier?

[basilandthyme]

The taking space thing makes no sense to me in this context. Thing is, due to your priorities, she's already had lots of space. She won't miss you because she became used to you not being around. Nothing much has changed except there are no expectations of making contact.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this is just temporary grief for you. If being with her was truly so important to you, you would have been there. She would have been a high priority for you. But the fact that she wasn't probably means that she wasn't The One for you.

Let her go. Move on and find someone who's so excellent that you want to make them priority without question.

[Vic.t788]

It sounds like you started out with a really good base for a relationship- friendship. Unfortunately though when friendships become relationships and we become comfortable, that effort we put into maintaining the friendship becomes less and less. we take the other for granted and dont realise until we've lost/loosing them. It's also a common unconscious habit that when we feel neglected or turned away we will do the same back..which causes the gap between two people to become ever-widening.

I have an experiment for you.. Next time you see each other, hug. Like really hug. Not a pussy "hi" hug or a "you're making my internal organs cry" hug, but a genuine "I love you" hug. Don't talk, and make sure it's 30secs or more as a MINIMUM! Hug until you go past that awkward feeling, until you both relax and connect. Hold her until you feel her warmth, smell her smell, and try not to think too much.
If she pulls away at first, try to (gently!) get her to stay with you, or simply ask her if you can just hug.
You'll know deep in your gut when you pull away finally whether you each still feel for the other. And if that answer is no then you will still feel better for it. Physical time away from our loved ones is more than just an intellectual or emotional hurt- hugging in particular (for more than 30secs) releases the hormone oxytocin, the bonding chemical- if you ever had a bond, now is certainly the time to find it.

In the end we are human. And nothing will ever amount to or replace the connection we can feel with another through such simple un-complicated touch.

[khal]

Hi All

Thanks so much for contributing your views and thoughts. It really is appreciated just to be able to vent and bounce stuff off others,


After a couple of days of no contact I texted her yesterday, not long or over-emotional but just to tell her:

I miss her, finding this hard, and to reiterate my position on things that I love her and want to make us work, acknowledging that I had been slacking and taken her for granted, but not to see that as a reflection of my feelings for her and us. Also reiterated that I want her to take the time to make the right decision.


She replied along lines of:

She feels really bad, doesn't like hurting me and clear on where I stand. She says I've done nothing wrong and that she genuinely needs the time of the natural break of our respective holidays with our kids to think about what she wants from our relationship and will call me tonight.


I replied to say that I would love to speak with her and just re-emphasised my understanding of her position and the need for space



Last night I also went over to some friends for an hour and briefly talked about it.

After so many days of feeling the worst I have ever felt, honestly like I couldn't continue, couldn;t eat, sleep, work anything. Total utter despair. Those texts and a brief chat with my friends and I felt better last night and ate and slept for the first time in days.

I've woke this morning still feeling very very sad, my gut still aches and I feel dizzy and disconnected form the world but still better than before.

I have a few things planned for this weekend (my son is with his mum) so going for a beer with the boys, arranged to meet some school friends. Have also just been generally reaching out to make contact with old friends that I have perhaps lost touch with. I know I have a good support network around me and I certainly won't be bored, just genuinely miss her and want her..... I think.

Its so funny because before this all blew up I was kind of OK making my own plans, booking holidays just me and my son, even to the point that I was planning this saturday night out (she goes away on sunday) with my friends and planning not to see her... but now we are where we are I would quite happily cancel my plans with friends to see her - guess its a case of always wnating what you haven't got!!! At one point she had asked me to take her to the airport and while I said yes my initial thought was "oh well there goes my sunday"!

Do you think this is a case of delayed grief / missing what we once had or do I genuinely love her - how much of my feelings of missing her now are driven my a general sadness and loss that the relationship we once had is over?

Im so confused; don't feel I can really prepare for moving on and grieving until I know for definite its over, but don't want to push her as think its important for both of us to get to the right answer.

I can remember quite a few times when we together recently thinking I would rather be doing something else, at the time that is how I felt, but when I look back now I think "you fool, how could you have felt like that? If you had made more of an effort then you wouldn;t feel as bad as you do now and you would still be together...."

Has anyone else been in this place of being kind of indifferent to a relationship, only to regret it massively once you find its gone - is that genuine love that complacency has let slip away or is that grieving for the loss of something that you once had but lost a long time ago?