Hi All
I'm really suffering at the moment and would appreciate peoples' views and comments / advice on my situation. I feel so lost, cant sleep, can't eat, feel sick, can't concentrate at work or home.
I'll try to be brief and thank you in advance for any time you spending reading and responding.
About me; I'm 35, professional male, 1 son age 8. I have my own house and my son is with me 2/3 times per week and every other weekend. I have had several girlfirends and breakups in the past as well as having been married and divorced, so have been through some tough times, just cant ever remember it being this bad.
About her: 39, professional female, 2 daughters. She has her own house and girls all the time apart from the every other weekend that cooincides with mine. Like me she was married and since divorced.
We met as she was going through the final stages of her divorce, started slowly and grew to have a fantastic relationship. We have been together for 4 years - things weren't perfect, we argued sometimes but made up. Because of having separate houses and kids we did not live together or spend 24hrs a day together but both valued our individual space and freetime. While we did do stuff with the kids together at first (holidays, days out etc.) over time we found the kids each prefer doing other things so our time was generally me staying at hers when I was free in the week or every other weekend. Those every other weekends were generally fantastic; we would do so much together, mini-breaks, movies and food etc. We did have a brief split about a year ago (caused by me) which no doubt did have a lasting impact, although we got back together and had many brilliant times after.
Of late I guess we have been doing more stuff independently; e.g. school holidays next week and she's going off on holiday with her girls somewhere and I've booked something separate with my boy, but we both discuss and agree that that is fine and suits us both. We also have holiday as a 5 booked for the summer, so its not like we are not making plans and commitments.
Recent weekends together I have found myself kind of wanting to do other things and space for myself, e.g. to go gym, watch football etc. I guess we haven't been as close as in the past and I've found myself quite happy to be either on my own or just with my son. We still kept in contact on phone its just I sometimes found I just wanted to be in my own house on my own couch, rather than at hers.
2 weeks ago I was at hers and we had an argument, not heated or shouting but resulted in me leaving her house at around midnight to go home. We were kind of amicable I just told her I needed to get my head straight and couldn't sleep so didn't want to lie next to her keeping her awake with my tossing and turning.
Phoned her the day after and she said she needs some space to think about us; initially I wasn't too bothered as felt I needed that too, so a week goes by of talking on the phone but not seeing each other. I asked if I could come over to see her but she said no, and I kind of wasn't too bothered. I was busy with work and exercise etc.
At the weekend we had a concert booked and both ummed and arred about going but in the end went; I really wasn't sure if I wanted to but we went and had an OK night but it was strange. I felt distant from her and she clearly did from me. We both stayed at her house that night but slept back to back with no contact and I left very early in the morning. Again because I wanted to.
The day after that night I started to miss her alot, I thought alot about what I wanted and realised I had been taking her for granted a bit, didn't realise how lucky I was etc etc. While I cant change our living situation I realise I had let the spark slip a bit and was too busy doing things I wanted at the expense of making effort with her.
I basically told her this and said I wanted to make a go of it, but she has asked for time and space as she is not sure we have future. She is concerned by how comfortable we are doing our separate things, and while she agrees we are wonderful together when we are together (on our weekends etc.) she is not sure if this is enough for her in the long term. She says she cares for me very much, doesn't want to hurt me but just isn't sure what she wants and whether it is best for us to end now. She has metioned that she can see being 40 just round the corner and feels that if our relationship doesn't progress that she may end up being on her own and is thinking about 5-10 years from now when the kids are grown and flown.
Despite asking for space we have spoken each night on the phone for the past 3-4 days, generally going over the same ground with me explaining why I think we so good and her saying she's not sure about our future. I think I've pushed a bit hard and we've agreed that I will not phone her again, but she has said she will contact me when she wants to talk.
The signals Im getting tell me its over and she is just building up the armour to make that final step. She has said she is still genuinely thinking about what she wants; sometimes she says she is clear on what she wants (which I understand to be us ending) but then she speaks to me and thinks about all the good stuff and then isn't sure again.
I'm confused as while initially I wasn't too bothered and almost welcomed the split it seems to have belated hit me like a freight train to the point I cant function. Any advice on this would be appreciated----- do you think its over for me too but I am just greiving for something we once had that is long gone? Why was I not bothered at first? (It wasn't like I thought oh she'll never leave me - I was at one point genuinely thinking I would be happier on my own)
I've promised her now to give her space and will honour the not calling, but man it is hard. I feel so sick. We have 4 days until she goes on holiday and she said she will ring me before she goes. She is then away for one week.
I will also be away with my son that week and want to have a really good time but am worried my holiday with him will be ruined by how I feel.....
What I would like I think is her to have her space, have her holiday, miss me and want to give it another go. What I fear is that the time and space is giving her the opportunity to steel herself to being on her own and the decision she will come to is that we will finish.
I apologise for the post but would greatly appreciate the views and input of anyone.