Pregnant wife had an affair

[Alexvw]

My wife of 5 years had an affair with a co-worker last year. She was already pregnant with my child at the time. I'm sure the baby is mine, because I discovered all of their chatlogs and pieced together a timeline. We also have a 2 year old son.

I found their conversations by accident, which started off fairly innocent, flirtatious, but turned raunchy pretty quickly. They started meeting at and outside of work, for coffee and sex respectively. She went away for several 'business trips', leaving me and our kid alone at home, pretending all the while like nothing was going on.

I have told her many times during our relationship, even last year: You can get away with pretty much anything with me, except cheating. It's just a dealbreaker for me. Always has been, and I thought it always would be. But we have one kid, and another on the way. We have a house. We have a life. And that gives my heart pause.

But she knew what she was getting into. She knew what would happen if I found out. She knew it every time she told him how much she was looking forward to next time. While she was scheming to get away. While I texted her how her meetings were going while she was in a hotelroom with him.

She says she's sorry. Far as I can tell, she broke it off. He's almost 20 years her senior, a superior at her work (different department) and his wife doesn't know.

We started therapy two days after I found out, at my insistance. We've had bad sessions and good ones, terrible weeks and week weeks where I remembered the woman I loved. But now, she's just not that woman to me anymore.
Every videogame I bought without telling her, I had to feel for months during arguments. Every cigarette I smoked was one I would regret for weeks. And because she has always demanded absolute honesty from me, I automatically assumed that is what she was. So honesty was a huge part of the idea I've always had of her. And this idea is now shaken to its core.

I believe she won't do it again, and that she is truly remorseful. But every time I hear her phone ring, I feel it. Every time we're watching TV and cheating or even just sex comes up, I feel it. I don't picture her and I, or me with someone else, I picture her and him.

And I think that's because I read every word they ever exchanged on chat. That being pregnant was perfect, because they wouldn't need a condom. How she should shave her pussy. How much she loved his taste, and how deep he got. What positions they should try once her belly gets bigger. How she felt something other than lust. And it's tearing me apart. I can never look at her the same again.

But I cannot be this guy. A man that walks out on a 30 week pregnant wife and a son. How could I live with myself? But then, how can I cope if I stay?

I don't think I love her anymore. Or if I do, it's just not the same. I find my eyes straying when she's not around, and glazing over when she is. We have moments of happiness, but their conversations and imagery of what happened flash before my eyes as soon as I get comfortable. My heart tells me the love is gone. But is that all there is? Is it worth staying behind after all that's happened? What the hell do I do?

Any advice is appreciated.

[khal]

tough one dude; really feel for you. From sounds of things I think you've had it with her but still feel a loyalty to the family (of she is part). My view would be that if you don't end it now or next week or in a years time or 5 years time it will end at some point as too much water has gone under the bridge - unless you can eventually see you forgiving her completely and falling in love again; and by forgiving her completely that means you can never ever bring it up in an argument or use it as an excuse for your behaviour at some point in the future.

You've not said much about how she feels; what is her take on it all?

[Wakeup]

First off: Regardless of what I say next, I am sorry you're hurting and that she allowed this to take place.

But she knew what she was getting into. She knew what would happen if I found out.

Apparently she didn't expect you to leave because she took a chance on your "deal breaker" being all talk and no action. Here you are, still with her and being tortured by your own imagination.

I think if you're not going to leave then you should get your own personal therapy to help you work through this and to help you get the images out of your thoughts. There is absolutely no sense staying there in this marriage in the current state you are in. Both of you are suffering and if you can't forgive and learn to put it in the past (where it belongs if you're not going to divorce) then you should get some individual help along with your marriage counselling. It may not help you to cleanse your mind or it may. If nothing else, hopefully it will give you the strength to leave if you can't let it lie and move on from it instead of staying in a codependent hell of yours and hers making.

Is she still working with this asshole she had the affair with?

[Vw_beetle]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story. You have helped me understand why forgiven can be so difficult.

I'm very sorry that you had to find out that way.

I'm really inexperienced and wouldn't know what to do however I would like to share few points that might help.

There are few things I might have misunderstood. Is she still seeing this guy? Is it over? Are you sure the kid is yours?

Ok let's say it's over. Consider the time we are living in. Thouhh it's not correct to say this but our values have changed. So many people around us are doing wrong things. Could it be possible that it was just lust and that she got curious but then she ended it. If this is the case do try to forgive her. Maybe her friends dared her or pressured her. Our time just really sucks. And it's not fair that she did it to someone as faithful as you.

B. Would you consider taking a break after she delivers? Rent a different apartment but close enough so your kid can come over. Test yourself and she'll be doing the same and see if love still exits. If it does then you can try to forgive her and move on. I completely understand when you say who is calling her- when her phone rings. If not just break up.

About therapy. Please stop. Hasn't it been a month yet. Your just stressing eAch other out. She's in the worst condition: pregnant. Obviously she cares enough that she's going through it. And besides you have learned enough. Don't you think?

This is not easy for you. I can feel your struggle as you describe it. It's reay great of you that you don't want to leave your kid and a pregnant lady. You be tried your best. Now try taking a break after she delivers and see what happens.

I hope everything will work out great.

One question: isn't it gross to have s with a pregnant woman. That guy is gross.

Here's another thing that popped up: she knew him way before she knew you, right? So I'm assuming it's just lust, curiosity, some sort of pressure, or thing that happened which you could try to forget. Life is not fair but try to see the circumstances. We are not in the 16 th c where people are honest and faithful. Unfortunately.

Good luck. I hope everything works out.

[smackie9]

If you can repair what was ailing in your marriage, which led her to cheat, then you have a chance. If she is using her pregnancy as leverage for you to stay, you are best to consider separating. It's too early to tell which direction you need to take. Relationships are always a risk. She may or may not find herself cheating again or your doubts consume you too much, life with her is too unbearable. You are just going to have to play this out.

- - - Updated - - -

We are not in the 16 th c where people are honest and faithful. Unfortunately.

People cheated, had affairs just as much then as they do now. It's part of being human. If you know your history, many political, religious, famous, and royal figures cheated on their spouses. It's nothing new to our species.