A lovely but boring guy

[26mai]

Hi,
I've been dating a guy for a year and a half now. We've known each other for 5 years and ee're both in our early 30s.

He is a very handsome, very reliable guy, pretty serious though, very helpful, well-organized, he likes to plan things ahead, keeps things very orderly, so he has a lot of qualities that I appreciate. We can organize ourselves very well to solve daily problems around the house.

However, ever since I've started dating him I don’t recall learning much from him. I mean, of course, I learned to appreciate calm evenings and a warm and calm heart. But I am a different kind of person. I am an avid reader, I listen to a lot of music, I like to watch a lot of movies, I like learning a lot, I am currently planning my own business. I spend all my time doing something that improves my knowledge or enlightens my spirit. He likes browsing the internet, repairing things or just going to bed. We don’t have actually many hobbies in common.

I started getting bored of our life routine and now I suffer every day. Before him, I used to date a guy who taught me so many things and showed me so many amazing things in life and I miss that.

Is there a way to wake my boy up and make him understand ‘hey, life is short’, let’s do something amazing? Sometimes I feel like I should take a break from this relationship and find someone closer to my spirit. I've tried telling him that I feel pretty bored, but nothing changed. How long should I still wait?

[TheEvilJester]

I am sort of not sure I like the way you word that. You don't like the guy because he's "boring" or you "don't learn anything" from him? He's not your high school teacher (I mean... I hope not) or something like that, nor is he your personal comedian/actor/entertainer.

I could be wrong, but I don't think you MEAN this the way it sounds. What I think you basically mean is that you and he don't share enough in common, so you don't really do much together.

Granted, you shouldn't have to be a carbon copy of your significant other. You shouldn't necessarily have to, nor should you really want to do absolutely everything together. You need to sometimes be individuals as well....

However, you should have SOME things in common. There should be some things you both enjoy doing together. There should be some common ground/middle-ground. If you are really adventurous and want to travel and stuff like that, but he's a home-body and would prefer to just relax at home, that isn't likely to work out. You could try getting him involved in stuff and maybe he will find he enjoys it, but if you two are too radically different, then that IS a viable reason that you may not be the right match.

Please keep in mind, that doesn't make either of you wrong in any way. You are not wrong to want to travel and/or live an adventurous life, but he's also not wrong to prefer to just live a more relaxed life if that is what he likes. So, you should never approach it as though there is something wrong with him. That isn't fair to him, just as it wouldn't be fair to you if he acted like there was something wrong with you for wanting more adventure in life.

I will say this, eventually if you want to have any kind of real life, the adventurous nature will need to slow down. Life, unfortunately, gets in the way. The adventures may become fewer and farther between, but that doesn't have to mean they stop completely. So, if you two just don't seem to match up in this way.... that is a pretty important factor.

Good luck to you. I hope everything works out for you, whether that does wind up being with this fella, or if it is with somebody else.

[26mai]

Thanks for the replay. You are right, it sounded a bit rough. I am not blaming him for being how he is. I'd love to spend the rest of my life with this guy, he is the kindest person I've ever met.

BUT sometimes I don't know what to talk to him about. As I was saying, I love reading, I'd love to discuss arts, design, music, science, whatever. He is totally not into it and he doesn't have any hobbies (he never mentioned one and when I asked, he couldn't tell).

He gives me the impression he has no passion and no ambition in life. Everything is sufficient the way it is!

I am totally the opposite. And I fear that one day I will wake up and leave, because I will want more.

I don't want this to happen. I'd love to have a family with him and I don't know how to talk to him about this. How should I tell him what worries me without sounding like an awful person?

[Wakeup]

You will not change him. He's shown you who he is and you'd be very foolish to go ahead and marry someone who you have absolutely nothing in common with.

Dating is about finding out who you are fond of is who you can spend the rest of your life with. If you're complaining about things now, after only a year and a half what do you picture it like in five years with him?

[TheEvilJester]

Exactly. I mean, I get how you are feeling. If he is a great guy and the otherwise does not seem to be anything wrong with him, it can be hard to let go of that. You sort of can't help but doubt yourself and think "This is a good guy. Why would I leave that behind?" The thing is, somebody just being a good person isn't enough of a basis for a relationship.

If you have absolutely nothing in common and really don't share any common interests, what exactly do you talk about? How do you relate to one another? What do you do together?

Now, normally I would say maybe at least give it a shot and talk to him about it first. Maybe you two can kind of meet halfway. Maybe he'd be into being a little more adventurous if you help him through it. The thing is, you two sound like you are on such radically opposite ends of the spectrum that it seems unlikely you'd necessarily be able to find a middle ground that would truly make you both happy without making either of you feel like you were giving up something you couldn't live with giving up.

It is a shame, but at least be happy you have discovered this now. If you are both the decent people you sound to be, you'll both find somebody else who more so matches with your lifestyle and desires for the present and future, and you'll truly realize why it would have been a mistake to settle for a relationship just because he was a good guy.

Good luck to you.