My Boyfriend broke up with me due to my trust issues

[brunette11]

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years recently broke up with me because of my trust issues. My previous relationship was with my high school sweetheart who I dated for 6 years and the entire time he was cheating on me. Because of his cheating it has caused me to not trust guys which in return I didn't completely trust my boyfriend. He ended up breaking up with me about 2 months ago but we still talk everyday and he still tells me he loves me. He says that he wants to be with me but he can't be with the person I am right now and that if I can resolve my trust issues then we can resume our relationship. He tells me that he isn't talking to anyone else and that he is just focusing on himself and that I need to do the same. I am nervous though that maybe he doesn't want this and that maybe he is just telling me these things to not hurt my feelings. I have expressed my worries to him and he tells me that he isn't a bad guy and that every time I question his intentions I'm attacking his character and the person that he is. He is 28 years old and I'm 24. I just cant imagine him lying to me. I would think that a 28 year old would know what he wants and would be honest with me if it wasn't truly what he wanted. Please help me........idk if I should let go and trust him completely or if I should move on because he is lying to me.

[TheEvilJester]

First off, just because he is 28 doesn't automatically mean he knows what he wants, and it sure as Hell doesn't automatically mean he is honest. Some people go to their grave being a dishonest sack of crap 24/7/365.

HOWEVER.....

Has he ever done anything to give you reason not to trust him? Has he ever done anything to reinforce your trust issues, or has he given you only reasons to demonstrate that he deserves your trust?

You were with a guy for SIX YEARS only to find out he'd been cheating on your pretty much the whole time. Who the Hell would NOT have trust issues from that? It is understandable what you are going through. The thing is, as much as it hurts, and as difficult as it can be, you have to trust people again. Believe me, I know how hard that can be. I've been given very little reason to trust anybody in my life, and therefore I do not trust very easily.

The thing is, even though sometimes I wish I could flip a switch and just give up on people once and for all, something in me will not let me stop. I come back stronger than ever, and I try again. I hope some day that eventually winds up being worth it. Time will tell. But, take it from me, the alternative is much worse. I HAVE given up and just allowed my darkness to consume me in the past. Sometimes it seems like it would make life so much easier, but it really does not. It is horrible.

For your own sake, you need to deal with your trust issues and get better. If that means therapy, then please seek that out. Please listen when I say it is NOT weak to accept help when you need it, and it is NOT weak to need help. We all need help now and then, and it takes a strong person to admit when they need it.

Now, if he HAS given you reason not to trust him, then I would say the burden should be on him to prove his trustworthiness, not on you to look past it.

Either way, since you say it has been 2 1/2 years you've been with him, that means it obviously has to have been at least that long since your break-up with your cheating douche of an ex. That is way too long to allow yourself to be tortured with these trust issues. You owe it to yourself to move on, whatever it takes for that to happen.

Take it as a learning experience and let it help you to find the strength in yourself. You ARE strong. You just have to believe it yourself, and you have to live it. Good luck to you. You had a pretty crappy thing happen to you. Don't let it define your life. Be a survivor, not a victim.

[basilandthyme]

I'd take him at his word. He sounds like a good guy who's got really strong boundaries. He knows how he expects to be treated and is able to not accept anything less. Basically, he sounds like he's got his shit together.

That being said, I doubt that you can suddenly "decide" to trust someone. Thing is, your lack of trust is not because of what he's doing (unless there's something dodgy which you haven't told us) it's because of what's going on for you. You need to look at yourself and your past if you're to move forward.

Part of what you'll need to do is look at the past and figure out what you can learn from it. For example, were there warning signs that you didn't heed? If so, how could you use the knowledge you have to make better choices in the future?

I think that letting go and being able to trust also hinges on personal resilience. The knowledge that even if it all goes pear-shaped and you didn't see it coming, that you are strong and (after a time of grief) you will get through it and come out stronger.

A bit of counselling wouldn't go astray if you need support in this.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh, and Jester is right. Age has nothing to do with honesty. There are honest 18yos and lying 60yos It's about integrity, not age.

[shrikantji]

I stayed with my ex for so long even after he lost my trust. It was easily one of the most grueling times I've endured in my life. I'm now in a much healthier relationship and I'm quite surprised that this is how solidity and trust feel.
It's nice not having a panic attack every time I think he's lying or simply just being able to trust him whenever he goes out.

[TheEvilJester]

I think that is a good point by basil about some warning signs you may have missed from your douche of an ex. Mind you, that isn't meant to point the blame at you AT ALL. It's just that, chances are if somebody had been actively cheating on you for that long, there almost HAD to be some pretty obvious signs that things weren't okay that you missed. Don't get me wrong. I think most of us could understand that. When you are in what you thought was a good relationship, it can be hard not to look past otherwise obvious red flags because part of you wants to deny they are even there.

You do have to learn a good balance between when to think you are just worrying over nothing and when to think you are seeing obvious red flags. I wish I could say that is easy, but it isn't. It takes time and is a learning experience. In time, though, you start to learn to understand the difference better, and begin to also learn how better to handle it when you think the "red flags" you may be seeing are perhaps worth talking about. It may turn out there was nothing to worry about after all, may turn out to be things that can be fixed, or may wind up proving to you that the particular relationship isn't the right one for you after all. If you let yourself get stuck too much in one extreme (either trusting too freely or not trusting at all) you'll never learn that balance and be able to better recognize when somebody is sincere or when they are just toying with you.

Good luck, friend.