failed first date? (again)

[TornadoJ]

There is a woman I met online (already back in January). We had some quiet fun conversations. One day she stated the following:
"I'm fed up of virtual communication. I'm trying to focus on real life interaction. It is much more human and rewarding... so if you would like to keep in touch we have to get offline...I.e. Have live interaction..Even if it's just friendship."
So, we exchanged phone numbers and set up a date, but she cancelled a few hours before. Then there were other attempts to meet but it didn't work because of several other reasons (one time I was sick, another time she was sick, work reasons, ....). However, we kept calling regularly. About two weeks ago I called her and after some small talk I asked her about this "real life interaction". She suddenly became nervous and confused, said the word "dilemma"... She ended by saying "I'll call you back tomorrow or the day after and tell you". She didn't call but a week later she send me the following "I have not forgotten..I owe u a drink ( or was that u?) and an explanation ( that's me for sure)... Are you free today?"

That day I couldn't make it, but we met the next evening.
She was like I knew her from the online and phone conversations: a very friendly, humorous and intelligent person and besides that she was dressed like .... attractive (stupidly I didn't realize this during the meeting).

It started quiet good, but it became less while the date progressed (see the paragraph "Problems with first dates"). At the end of the date I asked her to have another meeting and she said "we'll see" (she mentioned that she didn't had any plans yet for the upcoming (long) weekend). However, I'm afraid that this "we'll see" just means "No".
And I didn't got an explanation (like she said in the text message)

What I did after this meeting as follow-up:
1. shortly after the meeting I asked her by text "Did you arrive safely at home?" + reply back
2. tried to call her a couple of days later to speak (and arrange a new meeting), but I got the answering machine and left a message. No reply until now.

It's been a week ago now. (I'm often slow in these matters)
Do I I still have a chance with her? And what should I do for this? Or I should accept that it will become nothing (again)? (and that I'm just wasting my time by typing here....)
I'm thinking to communicate quite soon again since next week I'm traveling for work outside of the country, which makes it more difficult to communicate.

I see the following possible now:
She asked me a question about the nightlife in my city and she mentioned movies several times during our phone conversations. In two weeks there are several movie showings in open-air. Maybe too ask her for such movie evening and at the same time show nightlife in my city.

Problems with my first dates:
I keep failing them...
A sticking point for me is that they happen too boring; talking about jobs and hobbies, etc. (it's almost like a job interview), but I can't build up attraction/connection which leads to a next step...
Also I'm not leading/initiating the progress of the date.
I don't emit nervousness, but I don't behave as smooth, cheerful as normal.

[basilandthyme]

OK, the problem is that you find it boring talking about jobs and hobbies. But the whole point of these conversations is to find common ground which you can then explore further and more in depth during your relationship. Hopes, dreams, hobbies, interests, ethics, politics, travel, whatever - there are SOOO MANY positive things to talk about. But if you can't summon any enthusiasm to discuss things each of you find enjoyable, then a next date isn't going to happen. She'll just think you're boring.

[TornadoJ]

Hi basilandthyme,

Thanks for your reply. I'll clarify myself a bit. Basically it's not boring to talk about jobs, travels, interests, hobbies, etc., but I said so because if we stay to long inside a series of such questions it doesn't go anywhere.
However, I know and I really want to make a deeper connection on these subjects (I can give several examples of topics which I could have elaborated), but I didn't get to dig deeper into one of these subjects and make a connection.

What happened several times is the following: we talk about a certain subject, small pause, maybe I want to talk more about it, but then she starts talking about a next subject. At such moments I felt like I'm faced with a machine gun which fires questions. Spontaneity destroyed.

When I further analyze it:
I'm not physically stressed (no shaking hands, sweating or so) but verbally stressed, which makes it so that I don't talk enough or better.

I even had the idea, (maybe weird idea) to have a kind of mocked date. But to do this in front of a mirror?

About this last case:
What do you people think about the following:
Call her and say in the middle of the conversation "sorry, I was stressed last week".
But say this in a rather ridiculous way to make it sound clear that I'm laughing a bit with the situation.
"He C, it's fine that we finally met, but I know you find my rather boring. I wasn't very spontaneous that evening…. (stressful day at work…)"

[basilandthyme]

Hang on, you're making out like this date fail was all your fault. Perhaps it was her? Perhaps she can't stick to a conversation? Hey, perhaps she's single for a very good reason.

That being said, it's OK to return to a conversation if it's deviated away. This happens even with long term friends! Say "ahhh we got side tracked. Going back to the previous conversation on X, I wanted to add....."

Anyway, let this one go. But if you *really* have to give it another shot, you MUST be positive. None of these lame excuses about being tired or stressed. Honestly, they pretty much translate to "Loser". Say "I'd really like to see you again. There are so many topics we skimmed which I'd like to delve into with you"

[TornadoJ]

Thanks again for your feedback.

Yes, I do blame myself in this matter (and not her), because it's not the first time such situation happened.
Most likely she is way more experienced in this dating-game as I am.

My main goal here was to get a female perspective if it's feasible (with this one or in general) to attempt to re-contact the woman.

[basilandthyme]

OK, well I am female and my advice in the above post still stands. Personally, I wouldn't bother. But if you must do it, then No Excuses, No Apologies. Be positive in your approach with her or don't bother.