How can I get a girlfriend?

[JD91]

Hi I'm new here. I was hoping maybe some women could give me some insight on why it is so difficult for me to find a girl and if I'm doing something wrong?

To begin with I'm 24 and a virgin. I also suffer with social anxiety. This has made it difficult at times for me to approach women or feel comfortable around them but I have always done my best never the less. I have tried online dating many times but with little result. I have also tried talking to women in various situations (women I've met through friends, women I met at parties and so on). The way I feel about it is that usually the conversations are going okay. Occassionally it has eventually lead to a date or at least hanging out at some social event. But from there on it's going nowhere. None of these women really seems to get that interested in me or feel anything for me.

Something I have noticed especially online is that once I mention my social anxiety women often either stop replying or seem to get 'colder' to eventually stop answering my messages. The same is true for when I have been completely honest about me being a virgin, which has happened a couple of times with people I talked to online that lived far away (so we couldn't meet up that quickly and ended up talking a lot instead and eventually entered the subject sex). I wanna be honest and upfront about myself but I don't know, maybe these are things that are big no-no's for a lot of women?

I don't feel like I have too high standards. It is important for me that it feels good personality wise but aside from that I don't care very much about things like location, age, race or looks. I think so many women are good looking in their own way.

I have in the past asked some girl friends what they think about me as a person to try & get an objective view on how people see me. These are some qualities they mentioned.

*Honest *Friendly *Funny *Intelligent *Mature *Good looking *Caring *Full of surprises (in a good way) *Messy (I'm not always so tidy hehe) *Polite *Respectful *You speak up when something ain't right *Best friend one could have *Bit quiet/shy at times *Excellent taste in music

I also have a mother, sister and some cousins that has talked about me being single more than once and finds it unbelievable I haven't been in a relationship yet. They seem to think I should have it really simple with the ladies based on how I am as a person. Even my former shrink once said she was very surprised I never been in a relationship. So according to other people and also how I see myself I don't really understand why the interest for me seems so low.

But I think the main problem here is that even if it would be accurate I have a nice personality which I'm not sure about, most people never get the chance to see it. I mean there's only so much you can show of yourself in a single conversation or on one date. So we are back to the problem that I seem to get turned down at an early point. I have also wondered if it could have something to do with my looks. I don't think I'm very attractive so maybe that could be another reason. I know many people say women are less shallow than men but I don't know if that's true. I think stereotypes are often incorrect, after all we are all unique individuals so I'm sure for many women looks are important too.

This is getting long so I will wrap it up. Anyways, it really saddens me to be so lonely and that no one seems to see me as the type of man they desire or want to be together with. Some days I just feel like there is no point trying anymore. I have been fine with being single for the most part earlier but now I'm soon turning 25 and I have to admit by now I really would want to find someone to love and be loved by. I don't know if I'm doing anything wrong and I hope maybe someone on here has some theory why I keep failing. I have tried to include as much information as possible but if there is anything else you need to know feel free to ask and I will share. Could it be something as simple as my social anxiety, my looks or my virgin status that is repelling women?

[cheeky&sexy]

I think your problem is that you're mentioning your social anxiety and that you're a virgin way too soon. Many girls will write you off in the initial stages of dating based on these facts alone. It sounds harsh but it's true. It's always in your best interests to keep personal details like that to yourself until you've spent a significant amount of time with a girl and really gotten to know them. Honestly, if you were to wait a couple of months until you know a girl really likes you to reveal these things, they wouldn't care and I doubt they would dump you unless they're heartless.

Also, don't waste time on girls that live far away. About the looks, whether you're conventionally attractive or unattractive it doesn't really matter, because people of all levels of attractiveness get into relationships. Maybe you should speak to some friends about which girls are in your league, in case you have been targeting girls above/below your league.

Don't feel bad about yourself because you've never been in a relationship. One of my best friends is 26 and has a lot going for her and has never been in a relationship. I didn't get into a relationship until I was 22 and was having similar thoughts that you're having, always wondering why I had so much going for me but no boyfriend. Even now that I've been single again for nearly a year and a half, I'm struggling to understand why I can't get a guy to want to be my boyfriend.

Girls love confidence and I'm sensing you're lacking in that area, which is understandable, I am too as are a lot of us. But try to fake it till you make it because confidence is sexy.

[JD91]

Hi, thank you very much for your reply.

Yes I think you might be correct. That's what I wondered myself at times. Unfortunately I don't really see how I can do things that much differently. The virgin thing I haven't mentioned unless the girl has brought up the subject and asked things like 'so how old were you when you lost your virginity?'. I suppose I could lie but I don't really want to do that and also I have a nagging suspicion it might be obvious once in bed I'm very inexperienced should we get there.

As for the social anxiety mine is rather severe. I can function well with medications but some of them are very strong and I don't want to take them on a daily basis. So the problem is women can get the impression I don't have any issues on a date for instance but if we were to start seeing each other more she would soon meet a much more anxious and awkward version of me. The discrepancy between medicated vs unmedicated me is so big I feel I have to be honest about my problems and just hope someone is willing to give me a chance anyways. But as you say this is probably something that is likely to make women write me off. What a bummer.

Still good to hear I'm not the only one with these thoughts.

[cheeky&sexy]

No problem

Yeah I definitely don't think you should lie about the virginity thing, but I'd just avoid the conversation. I'm surprised that girls are asking you how old you were when you lost your virginity. At what point are they asking this question and how old are they? I'm 25 and I don't think I've asked a guy this question since I was 21 and it's not a question I ever intend to ask a guy until we were already in a relationship. I don't think my girl friends ask guys this question either. I would try to avoid talking about sex at all in the beginning, be more mysterious about it, which will actually work in your favour because you won't seem easy to get. If you sense they're trying to steer the conversation towards sex, take it back a notch before it gets there. They won't assume you're a virgin, they'll think you're a respectable guy. I'm sure if you keep talking to and meeting girls you will come across some that don't talk about sex so soon.

In terms of the social anxiety, don't freak out about it scaring women off. Just take it slowly for the first two months, see them only once or twice a week. I think that's pretty normal for the beginning weeks of dating. I think girls would definitely give you a chance, I just wouldn't mention it right away. For example, if you were seeing a girl once or twice a week for a month, do you think she would notice? As a female who falls hard and fast, after 3 dates I've made my mind up about you and if I like you, something like that wouldn't turn me away. Like I said earlier, everyone has some type of issue and I'm sure you will eventually find someone that can accept it, especially considering it's so common. You may find a lot of girls can relate to you. Don't give up yet

[JD91]

Yeah I'm a bit surprised myself. Well the question has come up a few times when talking with girls online from other cities and where we had been talking for maybe a month or so and not yet gotten around to meeting up in real life. One was 20 and another 22 but I even had one in her 30ies ask me that. It's funny I'm not the type of guy to talk a lot about sex and from my experiences it almost seems to trigger women to do it instead. They often initiate sex talk with me. Or maybe I just came across a type of women that are more likely to speak what's on their mind/are more perverted. I don't know. It hasn't happened with girls I've known in real life though.

So you really think a thing like my social anxiety wouldn't send you or other women running if there was feelings involved? You wouldn't feel mislead or disappointed if you had been in that situation and I hadn't told you and you had no idea I had issues? Hmm.. I always thought it's the best to be honest to avoid any disappointments or complications but then again it would probably be easier to get someone interested in me if I didn't mention it. Hard to tell what is the right or the best thing to do. Really appreciate your encouraging words and advices though, thanks

[cheeky&sexy]

I can't speak for all girls, but there's a lot worse things a guy could tell me than social anxiety or virginity. At least in my opinion, I don't have social anxiety so I don't know enough about it, but there are far worse things a guy could tell me. Like I said earlier, if you want a girlfriend you can spend time with I wouldn't waste time speaking to girls interstate. By meeting up with girls that live close to you, you can make plans with them soon after speaking and spend a lot of time with them before having to bring up these issues.

I'm not sure what the 'right thing' to do is, but one thing I've learned through dating is you have to put yourself first. By not putting your own needs first, you're unintentionally avoiding a relationship, which you say is what you really want. If what you're doing isn't working, you have to change your tactic up and see how that goes. I wouldn't feel mislead because I wouldn't expect a guy to tell me anything personal like that within the first month or two.. because it's none of my business. You might come across girls that get annoyed, but it's not their business either when you hardly know them. I'm sure a lot of the girls you're speaking with are hiding things too.

My friends who have the worst luck in dating are typically the ones that reveal too much about themselves too soon. They tell guys they haven't met they're a virgin, or they have this and that issue, tell them all their past dating history and I'm like what are you doing? Less is more when dating, at least in the beginning. Private information has to be earned, just like trust, respect, etc.

[JD91]

I think the thing is I'm personally very openminded and don't really care if people want to share some private information early on. It doesn't scare me off unless it's something extreme like 'oh hey I once killed one of my boyfriend' haha.

But I have given it some thought and you are probably right I should be less open right from the start and not tell women about the things I mentioned. As for online dating, I will agree dating in the same city has a lot of benefits. And I've tried to do that but it's not always so easy cause I don't know much people here and it's not a big place so there's a limited supply. So I think I will continue looking for dates both in my city and online. I'm not afraid of wasting time online, it's not like I must have a girlfriend within the next months, I just want to find a girl I really click with and if she lives elsewhere I'm fine with going there to see her.

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