Funny Joke Thread ( version 2 ) silly, dirty, puns, whatever you like.

[lovebroken]

Since the other one will never get unlocked like the other threads SMH I'm remaking this up again because I enjoyed it.


A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

[megvoh]

lol I laughed at that 1 I like relationship funnies.

[dollhouse]

I'll give your thread a knock knock joke.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!

[lovebroken]

I find sexual innuendo ones funny lately sooooooooooooooooooooooo

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head...

[Jffs24]

A Mushroom walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender says "No way! We don't serve your kind here!"

The mushroom says "Ahh come on, I'm a Fungi!"


Q: Why did the Fungi leave the party?
A: There wasn't mushroom.

[megvoh]

Blonde jokes I am blonde too so it's all okay lol

Why did the blonde douche with Crest?
She heard it reduces cavities.


What did the blonde name her watch dogs?
Timex and Rolex.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, I slept with a Brazilian...
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

[lillylove123]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[dollhouse]

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

Where did the sheep go on vacation?
The baaaahamas

What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?
Me-ow!

[lovebroken]

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

[dollhouse]

What sound does a horny toad make?
RUB IT, RUB IT

[megvoh]

hahahahaha on ^^^^^^^^^ and liked the one above too

- - - Updated - - -

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

[Exeter19]

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

lmao i liked this one, lovebroken. i'll try to give you a joke off me another time.

[dollhouse]

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

[megvoh]

Count Dracula is out on the town. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting unsuspecting womens' necks. He is heading for home sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. "Mmmm", he thinks, "what's going on here ?"

A few yards further on and BANG - smacked on the back of the head again. He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd.. A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again.. He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now.

Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps "Who are you?" "Buffet, the vampire slayer."

[breathe123]

These are all greeeeeeeattt!!! I'll load you up soon, lovebroken :-]